Bored of Eternity
by xx-twilight7-xx
Summary: The Cullens, including Bella, are bored out of their minds. There are too many random things to describe. How much fun can you get up to with the Wii, toothbrushes, llamas, evil Jasper, fake blood and much more? Canon Pairings. Extreme OOC
1. Help me and the chicken

**Chapter One: Help me please... and the Chicken**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, sad face. **

**A/N: Hey I thought I'd try writing a fanfic that is supposed to be humouress, insane and completely wacked out. Most of the chapter ideas are things that I have thought of or have actually done.**

**Please take into account that the first ten chapters of this story are not as good as the rest of the story. Please stick it out to the later chapters. **

**Warning: This Fanfic is extremely OOC.**

**JPOV**

"LIFE IS BRILLIANT!" I yelled as I defeated another bad guy on my game. It was all going well until I heard Alice call me from downstairs.

"Jasper! Come here please. I need your help!" DAMN IT!

"What do you want?"

"SHOPPING!"

"Oh... oh no!"

"Yes... I'm bored. Plus there's a big coachroach staring me down in the kitchen. Help me win!"

"I'm fine."

"You're not!"

Man I feel thirsty... where is a deer when you need it? Damn stupid no deer coming near houses thingo. I have to find my food. I love chasing after them. It makes me feel very manly.. and vampirey... A MANLY MANPIRE!

"Jazzie... please!" Alice called again at the highest decibel imaginable.

"I'm coming. Hold your horses!'

"I can't. Rover wants to gallop away!"

"You don't actually have horses do you?"

"Erh... no?"

One day I'm going to block out the sun. So we can go wherever we want. Hawaii baby!

"Uhh. Time to face the music. Literally." I placed my game controller down. "Why me? I was onto level 67 of 'ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRES!' and I had almost killed my last victim!"

"Another time!" Alice yelled.

I went downstairs to the music of BARBIE GIRL by AQUA.

"Jasper you walk perfectly in tone with that song!"

"I"M NOT GAY!"

"I know... tee hee." Alice always listens to that song when Emmett isn't home. There was that incident a few years ago. We had to get a cage!

"I'll be back last victim! Count on it!"

"Sure sure! He'll be back around 10pm! You're talking to a game Jasper!"

"You're wearing shoes!"

"So...? Talking to a game is weird."

"And wearing shoes isn't?"

"No!."

"Okay then." Cue evil laugh!

**APOV**

"What to wear. What to wear," I said aloud. "I have no freaking clothes. This is why I have to go shopping!"I need some soothing music. WOOH BARBIE GIRL! It's been in my head this past week. Edward really must hate having the ability to read minds.

It was funny once because we convinced the school counsellor that Edward was schizophrenic and he hears many 'voices'. Let me tell you... it didn't really end up that well. The counsellor's office was 'mysteriously' burnt down. Edward on a rage equals scary... and slightly amusing.

"Everyone's hunting! I know... Jasper isn't!" Haha I will make Jasper come with me shopping. Last time we had a blast, literally.

Who would have thought that when you mixed skittles with coal and light it, it would explode? I mean, honestly!

"Jasper! Come here please. I need your help!" DAMN IT!

"What do you want?"

"SHOPPING!"

"Oh... oh no!"

"Yes... I'm bored. Plus there's a big coachroach staring me down in the kitchen. Help me win!"

"I'm fine."

"You're not!"

After much arguing and hurrying up we were in the car... well Jasper was in the boot.

"Note to self: Remove that vampire game and hide it in the sock drawer." I muttered.

"NO!" Came Jasper's muffled plea.

"Why not hunny?"

"The socks will eat me when I try and retrieve it!"

"Even better!"

My plan had been to tackle Jasper when he was looking for the coachroach and tie him up. That part of the plan was successful. As did the rest, which involved chucking him into the boot. "He'll live!"

I hit the acceleration pedal and the car sped out of the drive way.

"I have speed baby. SPEED!" The wind ruffled up my hair but I didn't pay attention. My one main goal was to get to the Mall and make Jasper my slave. From store to store... dragging him around. It's not easy being a girl.

"Aha... an idea! Jasper if you do not co operate I have a wide selection of plus size clothes that Emmett uses to play dress ups. You shall be subject to a makeover if you don't' come willingly.

"OH GOD NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

"Yes... my slave. Then follow me!"

"Like a sheep!"

"Good Jasper."

"We're here!" I shouted and I got out of the driver's seat, fixed my hair then after ten minutes let Jasper out of the boot and untied him.

"Finally.. thought I was gonna run out of air!"

"Jasper you're a vampire we don't breathe." Oops an old lady heard us.

"Kids these days doing drugs and thinking they're vampires. Tut tut," she said. I let out a breath.

"Now where to first? Tough decision. Any ideas Jasper?"

"Well American Eagle, Valley Girl, Jay Jays, Hot Topic, A&F or Victoria Secret?"

"Good selection. I like your style. We have a lot of time but the mall closes eventually. Dang people and sleeping. Unless we break in?"

"Alice not after last time."

"Look it was when they JUST installed those store alarms years back."

"So...?"

3 HOURS, 15 SHOPPING BAGS, ALICE AND A JASPER PILED WITH BAGAS LATER:

**JPOV **

"_OMG!_ We still have Hot Topic and Jay Jays to go... will this torture never end?"

"NOPE!"

"DAMN IT THEN! If I don't make it out alive tell Emmett and Edward they can have my Wii and games but they better make a shrine dedicated to me... or I'll haunt them."

"Will do. Ready for some fun, Jaspie?"

"Erh... what kind?"

"Follow me and keep up!"

Why are we entering a fast food outlet? We don't eat human food. Well Emmett does but he's Emmett, enough said. We're vampires, we have dignity to maintain.

Alice glided gracefully to the counter. What is she playing at?

"I would like lots and lots of chicken. All the kinds you have. Crispy, popcorn, original, wicked wings, fillet, hot and spicy, strips. You name it I want it. Enough to fill around 15 of those Buckets you have. Make it snappy. I am hungry!"

Alice ordered the boy at the counter. I love it when she bosses humans around its' just so sexy... S

I believe in miracles. Where you from? You sexy thing.

**APOV**

Jasper turned to me. I couldn't see him through all of my bags that he is holding.

"What are you doing love? We don't eat THIS sort of food." he spoke fast so no one else could hear.

"You'll see. It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be a flush Hint hint,"

"Erh... can't wait!"

"I know. I feel you're excitement!"

"How can you? I'm the one with the empathy gift."

"Meh. I wish this juvenile human would hurry up. Chicken smells bad."

"I know!"

"That would be 153.75 dollars please!" The teenager said. Do I detect a hint of flirting?

AHH me need soap to wash my ears out with. I quickly paid the boy 200 dollars and smiled.

"Keep the change," I turned to Jasper, "Little help here dearest. I'm struggling here. Go to my baby and dump the shopping bags."

"Will do!"

"Meet me at the toilets down the end of the Mall."

Five minutes past when Jasper came running back huffing and catching his breath.

"Okay we have 5 minutes. When I say go, go I... where are you going Jasper?"

Jasper turned to me with a guilty face. "You said go..." Ah stupid husband.

"I didn't mean yet. When I say go, NOT YET, go into the Men's toilet and block each with the various types of chicken. If we don't use the toilets, neither do they!"

I should make a list of ways to use fast food. Alice the almighty fast food thinker.

"GO!"

The plan was to fill up all the toilets with chicken to block them so no one can use the public toilets. "In goes the chicken, chicken, chicken, in goes the chicken, mwahahah!" I can make a tune out of this."

"I'd hate to be the Janitor that cleans these out. " Gee I really should stop talking to myself. Instead I communicated to Jasper and told him to go outside and wait for me. I finished as soon as I started due to vampire speeding. Jasper was already outside waiting.

"Done?" I asked.

"Done," he replied.

**JPOV**

"I love Alice and her wild ideas. It gives me motivation for my evil plans," I muttered to myself in the guys bathroom.

"Edward would love to hang out in here!" I chuckled to myself.

Who knew chicken floats? I certainly didn't but that's because I'm a vampire.

"Plus you'd have to be wacked out to test if fried chicken from KFC floats."

"You are wacked out Jasper!" Alice chimed as she spoke with vampire speed from the ladies bathroom.

"That's what they all say."

"Who are they?" Alice asked.

"No one!"

"WHO?"

"I learnt that you learn something new every day!"

"I don't care. Meet me outside. I'm almost done!" Alice sighed.

I finished up and exited the men's bathroom.

"What is she doing in there?" I said to myself. Never mind... she just SKIPPED out of there. "Done?" She asked.

"Done."

"Woooh.. we managed to not get caught! Excellent work Jasper!"

"Calm down Alice. We still have to drive home."

As we pulled up at the house we noticed Edward's Volvo, Emmett's Jeep and Carlisle's Mercedes were back in the garage.

"The rest of the family is back. Bella's back also."

"Just fine and dandy! I then heard noises from upstairs.

"OMG MY GAME!"

"Shhh Jasper!"

"They better not have erased my score!"

**APOV**

Ahh that went down well. Literally.

"Okay lets' go in. Edward is already laughing!"

"They better not have erased my score!" Jasper repeated.

"Shut up Jasper. What about me? Your wife!"

"Yeah but they can't erase you!" With that he ran inside.

I was met with Edward laughing. He can read mine and Jasper's thoughts and just found out what we did IN BED! Nah just the chicken incident.

"You did WHAT? Oh my God Alice that is like brilliant if I do say so myself. That is so funny. Even though I'm the sensible one... or am I," Edward said mysteriously. He admires my work. I mean who wouldn't? I am lovable. I decided to take light in this situation and polish my knuckles to look gangsta. "What did she do?" Ah Emmett wouldn't you like to know.

"Well put it this way... no one is going to use the public toilets for a while at the mall or eat chicken again." I said. Let him piece together what happened.

"HAHAHAHAHA. You flooded the toilets with chicken? Ah man I should have been there. Why wasn't I?"

"You were hunting idiot." Edward added

"Oh that's right!" Emmett said.

"I did manage to get a lot of clothes though. Jasper could you bring my bags in." I said.

Rose's eyes lit up at the mention of clothes. Bella averted her eyes to the ground. Jasper's back stiffened suddenly when I asked him to retrieve my bags though. Why was that?

**JPOV**

"Oh no, Oh no, Oh no. This is just a tad bad. I was too distracted with what was in that Victoria's Secret bag that I didn't put the bags in the car."

I'M A MANLY MAN! It wasn't my fault that bags intrigue me. Ah I will pay for this I know. Oh Alice told me to dump them in her baby... she didn't say her 'car' so technically I didn't do anything wrong. So, her 'baby' is now the concrete I guess.

"Alice is going to kill me or worse... make me over!"

I better face her wrath. My wrath is more EVIL though. I slowly turned up the driveway again. _What do I say? What do I say?_

"I need some calming herbal tea. "

I headed back into the lounge room where the family was sitting.

Alice smiled at me but her smile faltered when she saw I returned bag less. Did I detect a hint of anger?

"Oh there you... where are my clothes honey?" Alice spoke to me. Um this could be tricky.

"I.. er... dumped them."

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" Oh she's angry.

"You told me to." Where's a stick? I'm gonna have to fight her off.

"I TOLD YOU TO DUMP THEM... IN THE CAR!"

I ran.

'Come back here Jasper. I think it's time to play Dress-Ups!"

O.o she has that sarcastic ring to her voice.

"I'm in for it now. Run legs run!"

"You're not going to escape me!"

"I need new legs!"

**A/N: As of August 2010 I will go through the first 15 chapters of Bored of Eternity so that it lives up to the humour that's evident in the later chapters. The chapters do get better. **


	2. Duels, Stars and a mailman

**Chapter Two: Duels, Stars and a Mailman**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned the Cullen Family. I would actually do all these weird things I make them do in my Chapters.**

**EPOV**

I hate it when the weather is sunny. I can't bear to be away from my Bella. Oh great. The sun is rising and it is making my skin glisten like a diamond. I shall avenge the sun when it least expects it.

_Look at me. I'm a star! Wanna see me sparkle_. What is Emmett doing? His thoughts are that of a child but then again. It makes sense. Seeing as he does have a brain like that of a 5 year old.

I turn the corner and see Emmett parading around the front in a black Dracula cape. Over-rated on the vampire attire if you ask me. Suddenly he stops. Haha he has seen me but too late.

"Gee Emmie; you could be a great ballet performer. Become a STAR!" I walked to the veranda. How did I fit into this family? A shopaholic sister, emotional brother, self-absorbed sister and then another brother that is deluded and childlike. Is anyone sane around here?

I'm going to have to go to my bedroom and put on some loud classical music. Emmett's thoughts were disturbing me. _Guess who's back, back again, I am back in black. I'm a happy little vegemite. I vant to suck your blood!_

**EmPOV**

Well, well. Isn't Edward the grouchy one, being separated from Bella. Haha I wonder how many times she is going to fall. I should go and stalk her. COMEDY. Too bad I can't eat popcorn... or can I?

"EDWARD...COME HERE!" I am so bored. I have decided to tease him. In a flash Edward was coming down the stairs. "WHAT!"

"Well... I was getting to thinking... I wish Bella was here today. Humans hurting themselves, especially Bella, make me laugh so." Let's see his reaction to that. "Oh you little..." Edward growled and pounced. _Oh aren't we a mountain lion._

"Leave her out of this! Just because you are bored, doesn't mean Bella can be the source of your amusement. Go back to being a vampire in the front yard! You're not wanted or loved!" Edward yelled. Oh my jay, he is angry.

Time to start this party. FUN FUN FUN. "I challenge you to... a duel..." Mwahaha I'm going to win big time. I can see the headlines now.

**EPOV**

A duel? This is not the medieval times. We are in 2008! He wasn't even around then.

"What kind of drugs did you find in Carlisle's cabinet today?" What doesn't he find?

"It was heroin... but that's beside the point. I challenge you to three duels! Winner gets to be a STAR!" Emmett said. What the hell is with him and stars? Hmm I'll just check my schedule, nope nothing to do. "Okay but we get an audience. I don't want you to cheat!"

_Me cheat? When do I ever cheat? _"How about every time we play SNAP? Esme won't let us play that anymore because of last time." We're supposed to have an excellent memory but alas, Emmett is no ordinary vampire.

"How was I supposed to know that a King does not match with a two? They're both rectangular in shape. As for the table, it was metal... if Esme wanted to keep that table she should have gotten it made out of stronger material. I did her a favour anyway."

"I'll go get everyone. Can't trust you to. Think about some rules or something." This should keep him at bay for a few minutes.

**EmPOV**

What should the first duel be? Something random. I am the king of random. No one can beat me. I shall stick to my title forever, Emmett the King of Random. Stick... stick? Haha that's it! GLUE FIGHT!

At least we have enough glue. Alice went out and bought some as she made a collage of pictures of clothes she is going to have Bella wear.

I can hear everyone coming. Quick act normal. Oh I'm going to go and sit down on the floor in the middle looking innocent. That always works.

**CPOV**

Breath in... and out. I have a normal family... duels in the house are normal. Ahh who am I kidding. We aren't normal. We're bloody vampires. Why is Emmett in the middle of the room? He's drawing attention to himself. Who cares, its Emmett. "Time for the rules," I told Edward.

**EPOV**

I laid out the rules, "Emmett, there are going to be rules. One, no cheating." _I DO NOT CHEAT_ "I'm not saying you do cheat but just no cheating. Two, it has to be in the lounge room so it can't get out of hand and third, after we're done, be normal." _I like normal. It has the letter 'm' in it. _Stupid Emmett.

"And no wrecking the house!" Esme butted in

"Haha Glue fight!" Emmett yelled and charged at me. The next minute I ended up on the floor with glue all over my face. Urgh this will take a while to get off.

"Is that how you want to play?" I grabbed a glue stick and tackled him. Mwahaha I can be violent too! From where I was, which was on the floor I might add, I could see Alice and Jasper laughing. Alice looked like she was about to collapse. Is this amusing for her? I'll show her amusing.

"EDWARD, why did you do that?" Alice yelled. Payback... oh no. Run. She has glue! The little pixie has glue!

"This is supposed to be MY fun!" Emmett said. He curled up into a ball in the furthest corner and rocked back and forth repeating, "I am fun, hehe, I am fun, hehe." Poor little Emmie. His fun duels have been ruined. Let's shatter his hopes and dreams as well. I whisper my plan to Alice.

"Perfect. I'll get a piece of paper." Alice replied.

**APOV**

Where is that paper? Oh yes, Jasper and I used it last night for that thing we did in bed. Ah that was fun. Oh right, paper. Here's a sheet and now to go on an epic adventure for a texta.

It's been five minutes and I've finally located a texta and wrote on the piece of paper. Time to hand it to Edward to do the dirty work. Emmett is going to be heartbroken. Excellent.

I walked in the lounge room to find Emmett had moved from the left corner to the right corner and Edward standing on his head 10 feet away. Rosalie and Carlisle had left the room whilst I was gone. Can't handle the glue eh? As I walked from the doorway, Edward came to me and I gave him to piece of paper. "Be subtle my friend." I warned him.

Edward went over to Emmett and clapped his hand on Emmett's back. _SUBTLE MY BUTT EDWARD_! I thought to myself. "Put it there old pal. Let's move onto the second duel."

Emmett's eyes sparkled when he heard this. Oh no... time to write up my will even though I most likely won't die.

"Highlighter FIGHT!" Emmett charged again at Edward and pulled a highlighter from out of nowhere. Whoa! He is fast.

**EmPOV**

Yes. Even though Edward won last round by default, I will win this round. Believe in the Stars and they provide you with power! "You are going down. Literally!" I yelled at Edward and we pounded through the floor. Oops Esme is going to kill me. Good satisfaction though. Edward hadn't even had the chance to fight back.

"Emmett you are the weirdest person ever!" Edward told me. "Thank you." I took every second of this moment for granted and decided to bow to the audience, though Esme was looking at me like I was breakfast, lunch, dinner and even dessert. Oh my.

The next second I felt a highlighter go up over my face. Oh he did not. I snapped my fingers do go with the saying. I couldn't help it. I'm cool!

By the end of the hour, Edward looked like the man from the moon. He was blue. Big improvement. He can be the moon and I can be the star! Yah! I was looking rather green. Must have been all the cookies I ate last night.

"Esme, could you announce the winner? We are biased." Edward asked his mother. Oh suck up so he won't have to fix the stupid hole in the floor.

"The winner is... drum roll Jasper... EMMETT!" Oh yes it's me. Ah ha. "Take that Edward. I win I win." _I love gloating. Gloat Gloat Gloat. _"Breath Emmett, we're tied at one all. The decider match. You could still lose." I won't lose... i have Star Power.

"I want to decide the next duel, I want to decide!" Gee I never saw this coming. Edward is actually whining. Strangely he looks so adorable like that. "Fine but I bet it won't be original like mine are."

"Oh you want to bet?" Edward asked. "Oh yes I do." I replied.

"$500 that my duel idea is original." Oh playing hard boy eh? "Fine." I retorted. "Well what is it?"

"Sticky tape fight!" Oh that is original. Damn it. I owe him $500. "Oh Emmie he's got you there."Esme laughed. Damn mother and agreeing with a mummy's boy.

"I shall win this fight!" I lunged at Edward but missed. Let's make that 2 holes in the floor. _Don't look at Esme_, I thought to myself.

Edward randomly placed a piece of sticky tape in my hair. "Edward wins." Alice cried out. How had he won? It was one piece of sticky tape! This is not fair!

"Why does he win? I am the master, King of Random. HE DOES NOT WIN!" I was not a happy chappy but I will be tonight when I get into my Dracula costume again.

"Because he placed a piece of sticky tape in your hair." Alice replied. I turned around frantically while trying to rip it out of my hair, when a piece of paper fell from behind me. Hmm... paper can now fly? Interesting.

I picked it up and read it. Oh my God. It does not say that! On the piece of paper it said, 'I AM NOT A STAR!' Was this stuck to my back? "I AM A STAR!" I yelled and started sobbing.

"Stars don't cry!" Edward said. _I hate you Edward. I hope you're reading my thoughts._

"I NEED TO GO TO MY QUIET PLACE!" I yelled and with that I stormed out of the Lounge Room and the house.

"Wait!" Esme called. "There are two holes in the floor with your name on it and not to mention your size." _You have Star Power, You can be a Star, You can be anything you want._

"You have to greet the mailman on your way out. Jasper can't do it. Not after last week." Esme called again.

"Oh my gosh, it was that one time. I'm sorry that he smelt like a dog and I was hungry. Forgive me!" Jasper replied to his mother.

I didn't hear anymore after that. I was too far away.

_STAR POWER_

**A/N: Did you like this chapter? Please review if you did. Let me know your favourite line or something. As of August 2010 this has been edited.**** Special things to my friend, Rachael. We actually did have a sticky tape fight that lasted at least half of our math lesson. Also to those reviewers who told me what Abercrombie and Fitch was. Thanks!**


	3. Airport Fun! Yah

**Chapter Three: Airport Fun!**

**A/N: Do I have to say this? Twilight, characters and related themes belong to the one and only Stephenie Meyer. I just decided for them to go to an airport to have some fun!**

**Thanks to everyone that has reviewed and added this story or me to their favourites and alerts. **

**EPOV**

I think someone should tell me again why we are at an airport at midnight... and without Bella?

Turning around I noticed my family. Alice and Jasper were occupying two seats in the corner, Rosalie was doing her nails, like always and Emmett was nowhere to be seen. That could be a problem.

"Hey Edward!" Emmett yelled. Well at least he is somewhere to be seen. But... oh god... he was driving a Security Buggy with two Security Guards after him. Can he ever be normal? Where did he find that vehicle? I don't even want to know.

"Get back here Emmett or you won't be allowed back in our bedroom again until let me think... the day you die naturally... which is NEVER!" Rosalie yelled at Emmett.

_Whoa someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. I like it. _Emmett's thoughts never cease to amaze me. "Sorry honey, can't stop. Police are on my tail." Emmett drove by where we were and winked. Oh he is so in for it now!

I wish Bella was here. She would be able to keep me occupied with her smile and blushing. Where are thou Bella? "Alice, why are we at an airport when we aren't getting on a plane?" I asked. It's not like we have anywhere to go anymore. We've been everywhere in the world.

"Edward, where is your sense of fun? We came for amusement. Being immortal gets boring so we need something to pass the timmmeeeeeeeee." Alice dragged the word and got up. "I'm going to find something ... GIFT SHOP AHOY!" With that, Alice ran from the waiting area leaving Jasper behind. _Oh great. I'm going to find something fun to do_. Jasper thought.

**EmPOV**

I feel the wind in my hair. Dancing everywhere. This way that way. I love airports. I'm glad we decided to come here.

I spotted the next best thing in the corner of my eye and I veered my buggy into the corridor that had another buggy! Woot Woot. I wonder if I can drive two at the same time? Only one way to find out. Grand Theft Auto in an airport!

"Get back here young man. Step away from the buggies now!" A security guard called out to me. "Don't make me use my taser." _Let him try. And who is he calling young? I'm old enough to be his grandfather,_ I thought. Vampires cannot be taken down... well... besides being ripped to shreds and being burnt.

I can drive two buggies. Look at me ma! I'm succeeding. "Oh My God this is a dream come true." I yelled. I should seriously work at an airport... That gives me an idea!

Time to dump this evidence and get myself a new attire. I'm going to love doing this. Too bad Bella isn't here.

**EPOV**

I am simply going to die! The last thirty minutes have dragged on with Bella and I have nothing to do. Alice and Jasper had disappeared to the gift shop and it was just me and Rosalie... wait... Rosalie just left. It was now me left in the waiting area.

"Welcome home Sally. Did you have fun at your cousins?" a man asked his daughter.

I could hear them from across the room with my super dooper vampire hearing. I turned and saw they were exiting Terminal 4.

I WANT MY BELLA! Stupid midnight. Relax Edward. You can't help it that she went to see her mother in Phoenix. You want her to be happy.

Why should I have to sit here and listen and watch people reunite? It's not fair on me. Grr.

I have an idea. I'll have to be quick. If I get caught... it won't end up well.

I am feeling particularly selfish. Once the coast was clear I went around to each Terminal entrance and changed the numbers so that the humans will get them mixed up and either catch the wrong plane or not meet their family or friends. If I can't have Bella then they can't have their loved ones either.

I feel incredibly selfish but at the same time content. Terminal 1 became 10, 2 became 9, 3 became 8 and so on that they were back-to-front. I watched with satisfaction as a couple walked into the terminal with the number 10, but were really going into Terminal 1. MWAHAHA I have never felt so evil! I think Emmett is rubbing off on me. I'm glad I'm the one with the mindreading ability. Emmett will never let me forget what I did.

Meh, I'll come back here tomorrow and see if the numbers are still the same. If they aren't, I'll change them back. Might as well into the airport cafeteria and pretend to be human by ordering some disgusting 'food'. I wonder where everyone else is. I can hear Alice's thoughts. '_Oh my jay. I just have to buy this spoon! It's pink!' _I chuckled to myself.

**JPOV**

I had followed my wife into the airport gift shop. _This could take a little while._ I thought. I might as well occupy myself with something to pass the time. This gift shop seemed pretty big. What did these people think?

That everyone would shop here on their way to and from their destination? All it really holds is spoons, soft toys and various average souvenirs. I want to meet someone who has actually bought something from here.

"Oh my jay. I just have to buy this spoon! It's pink!" I heard my wife yell. Alice doesn't count. She will buy anything that moves and doesn't move.

It was then that I noticed it. It was on display in the middle of various bouncy balls. The most slender, silver and sexy slinky I have seen in my all my life. I just have to have it.

I ran to the slinky and picked it up. It felt so soft... so smooth. "Alice we are so getting this!" I told my wife. "Whatever Jasper. I've just discovered badges."

Whilst playing with the slinky a song came into my head and I whispered it aloud, _"It's slinky, it's slinky. What a wonderful toy. It's slinky, it's slinky. Both for a girl and a boy." _When I got out of my daze, I noticed Alice had left the gift shop. Oh no. Where has she got to know? I bought the slinky and slinked out of the gift shop in search for Alice.

**RPOV**

Gee even I'm feeling a little bored and I never get bored. Everyone has gone off in different places of this drabby airport and I'm left to amuse myself. I am never letting Emmett back into our room after he ditched me for a stupid buggy.

I have decided to find something to occupy my time. But what could I do? I couldn't do any old thing as I don't lower my standards to grand theft buggy auto, slinkiness and switching numbers.

That was when I saw my inspiration. A lady applying lipstick using one of those mirrors that plague the whole airport. An idea struck me. I turned around and my blonde hair swirled in my haste. I needed red lipstick and fast. Emmett is going to be so proud of me for doing something outrageous. He's not the only one in this marriage that has wits. I can make him sob by locking him out of the bedroom for five minutes!

Lucky I had a new lipstick that I had just bought yesterday. Desperate times call for desperate measures as that old time saying goes. I started in the left wing and made my way through the whole airport. Every mirror that I found, I wrote ROSALIE all over it in huge letters. Trust me... there are a lot of mirrors in this stupid human place. It took me 20 minutes. Even with my sexy vampire speed.

Once I had finished I felt proud. On the way I had passed Edward in the cafeteria, Jasper searching for Alice, Emmett going into an Authorised Personnel Only Room and Alice in the Baggage Compartment. Wait... what is Alice doing in there? She didn't go in a plane.

**APOV **

_Well this truly needs a makeover._ Who designed this airport? I swear that this Baggage Compartment came from one of the various designers that I hate. Ooh I have the urge to redecorate.

"Let's have a looksee." I said to myself as I peered into a suitcase waiting to depart on the next plane.

"NO NO NO NO NO!" That colour shirt does not match with those pants. What was that person thinking. Was he drunk?" I smelt the clothes. They smelt faintly of alcohol. Super vampire smell!

I could be a sniffer dog... well... sniffer vampire with fashion sense.

It took me half an hour but I had finally managed to rearrange everyone's luggage to match and placed various things into the suitcases. They won't mind. If they knew it was me, they would thank me and let me design their houses with fashionable décor that matched!

_I am a genius._ I better get back to the gift shop... there are ORANGE SPOONS that need to be bought!

**EmPOV**

Well... I should be a spy! A STAR SPY! Successfully sneaking into the Authorised Personnel Only Room to scab a Security Guard uniform had been a piece of cake. Actually... there was cake in there too. I dumped it into the spare shoes. That would teach the humans for eating cake when there are irritable grizzlies to eat... well drink!

I decided to take into action my recent plan! My plan to pose as a Security Guard. Hehe I get to boss around humans and make them walk through a shiny box that detects shiny things... and... EXPLOSIVE THINGS.

I wonder where they hide the explosive things they take away from the nasty people planning to bomb the area? Oh I'm too lazy to go look for them. Things these days seem to take bloody effort.

That's when I saw my target. A middle aged man all by himself. I decided that he was concealing drugs so I ran over to him.

"Halt in the name of the... thingo... that keeps getting me into trouble when it isn't even my fault if I broke the White House Window... It was ten years ago!"

Oh my god. This is hilarious. The poor man was so scared he fell over. He and Bella should so totally meet up and have a falling competition. This is priceless. I wish I had my camera but I don't want to use it after what Jasper used it for last year...uh!

Hmm... it's getting early. I wonder where everyone is. Let's end this parade.

"MAN YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D!" I yelled and ran from the scene. Outside in the parking lot I noticed the rest of the family at Edward's stupid shiny Volvo.

Jasper obsessing with a slinky, Edward sulking in the front seat, but at the same time looking pleased, Rosalie applying lipstick that looked like it had been used greatly and an Alice with 786 different spoons!

I hopped in the car. "STEP ON IT!" I ordered Edward.

**I hope you liked this chapter. Can anyone guess what movie some ideas for this chapter came from? Thank you for reading and I hope that you review me your favourite line or part. As of August 2010 this chapter has been edited. **


	4. Dare or well dare

**Chapter Four: Dare or ... well... Dare**

**A/N: Since the last chapter I still don't own Twilight. **

**BPOV**

I never thought I could actually get bored when I was laying with Edward on his unnecessarily large bed. Half of the holidays had flown by as I spent most of my time with Edward, but now I feel BORED. Why was that? I think I may have some disease! I need to occupy myself with something fun. Edward has sensed my restlessness and before he could speak I yelled, "I AM SURPRISINGLY BORED!".

Only five seconds had past Edward's door burst open to reveal Emmett in a Little Red Riding Hood costume. '_Hmm... improvement from what he was wearing yesterday,'_ I shuddered at the thought.

"Did I hear someone say that they were bored? I'm bored too. Let's go be penguins in the Lounge Room. I wanna be rubbery and wet."

I started laughing. Emmett had managed to sound mildly suss but at the same time motivational.

An light bulb went off on my brain, literally. "OW!" I proclaimed.

"HAHAHA," Emmett laughed so hard that he fell to the floor, or rather through the floor. "You always make me laugh Bella. Entertainment." Edward growled.

The light bulb must have done something to me though, I had just thought of an idea.

"Dare or Dare!" I said. Mwahaha I would love to see how this day ended up.

"I don't know if that is a good idea Bella."Edward said. Oh shut up Edward.

"It's a brilliant idea and YOU, Edward are going to play as well. If you don't then I shall be forced to throw something at you ... like a rubbish bin!" I replied.

"Ooh... kinky,"

"Emmett, you shut up this instant. Or I will be forced to tell Edward about what you did last summer!" That poor kid at that carnival is probably still scarred. Never let him loose where fairy floss is available.

"Oh god no... I'll go get the rest of the family." With that, Emmett skipped out of the room. He's getting into character all right.

Once everyone had sat down, which took a whole 30 seconds. I stood in front of them in silence. Let's see how long they can sit there while waiting for me to start talking.

Ten minutes past and I had had enough. I bent my knees and ran my finger past all of the family members while narrowing my eyes.

"Bella, sweetie, are you okay?" Esme asked concerned. "We shall play Dare or Dare!" I suddenly yelled.

"Excellent," Alice said whilst doing that Mr. Burns hand thing that resembles evilness. "Hey I was going to do that!" I told her. "Who's playing?"

Everyone had chosen to play so we all sat down in a circle in the Lounge Room after we pried Jasper away from the Hannah Montana Dance Along game on the Nintendo Wii.

"Who is going first?" Carlisle asked. "Bella should, it was her idea." Rosalie retorted.

Someone didn't get enough sleep last night.

Edward growled. There was no rubbish bin in this room. "Yah I get to go first. Success. Monkey. Purple Dishwasher." I was glad.

"Oh my jay. I am so picking Bella's. Okay Dare or dare Bella." Alice asked me.

"That is such a hard decision. I'm going to have to go Dare," I said with a hint of sarcasm.

"Hehe you have to convince Charlie that you are pregnant."

OMG she did not just say that. Bad little pixie. Bad. Bad. Charlie is going to kill me and Edward but at least it saves me throwing a bin at Edward. "Fine I'll do it." Edward looked taken aback. I don't want to tell Charlie about us getting married at the end of Senior Year but I'll tell him that I'm pregnant for a dare.

"Okay let's roll." and with that I ran out of the house. Edward and I reached my house in a matter of minutes due to his stupid fast speeding. One day I would actually love to see him swerve the Volvo or even crash... but not with me inside it, unless I was a vampire off course.

"Charlie, you home?" I asked when I let myself and Edward in. I told Eddie to wait in the car but he never listens plus he insists that he is there when I tell Charlie that I am 'pregnant'.

"I'm in the kitchen Bells." Let's get this over with. I was suddenly feeling nauseated.

"Dad, I have something to tell you." I walked into the kitchen until I could see him.

"What is it Bells? Are you feeling okay? Did HE do something to you?" Charlie looked over at Edward. "No dad. EDWARD didn't do anything... well he did but he didn't hurt me." Charlie looked confused. "Dad... I don't know how to tell you this but... but... I'm... pregnant."

Charlie just stood there. After a minute I waved my hand in front of his face. "Dad?"

Charlie had collapsed to the floor. "Edward, is he going to be okay? I was concerned.

"Sure Bella. Alice just said that Charlie will regain consciousness in two minutes." When did he speak to Alice? "When did Alice call you?"

"I didn't." Alice said. OMG where did she come from? "I've been here the whole time. Listening in on your conversation like a spy!"

We headed back to Edward's house from mine once Charlie awoke and I explained to him that I wasn't really pregnant. This was a night that Charlie would never forget. Mwahahaha that gave me an idea. Once we all settled back to our positions, I asked,

"So Edward, dare... or ... dare?"

**EPOV**

What has my Bella got in store for me? I'm just lucky that it's her picking my dare and not someone else though the annoying thing is that I CAN'T READ HER BLOODY MIND to find out what she is thinking of.

"Dare" I replied hesitantly. What have I gotten myself into? Bella has that evil look in her eye and it's scaring me but at the same time tempting me.

"Well, darling Edward. Seeing as you are the one that got me pregnant, next time we'll have to take better precaution. I dare you to go into Wal-Mart and buy all the condoms they have in the store and you have to be served by a female cashier."

Oh my god. What? I have to do what? _Haha Edward take it as practice my dear little brother. _Emmett thought. Oh shut up Emmet. _Edward it's fine. You won't die. I can see the future! Y_eah maybe I won't die but I'll never be able to go to that particular Wal-Mart again for another 100 years.

We drove down to the nearest Wal-Mart that was in Port Angeles. Bella and the family waited in the parking lot in my Volvo, Emmett's Jeep and Carlisle's Mercedes. Man, how could Carlisle let me suffer? I was his first born... if you get what I mean.

"I took my time finding the Personal Health Aisle, trying not to draw attention with myself. Though it was going to be hard when I have to fill up a whole trolley full of boxes of condoms. They have an extended variety I might add!

_'OMG he is gorgeous. I wonder if he is single.'_ I turned to see a young teenage girl at the top of the aisle. _'Oh crap... he's noticed me. Make it look like I'm doing something and not stalking him.'_

Oh great can this get any worse? I grabbed the first box. This is going to take a while.

_'He's being a gentlemen and buying condoms. How sweet. I guess he isn't single after all...unless.'_ That girl was starting to get on my nerves.

I didn't want to spend more time in here then necessary.

I reached out and shoved the whole row of them into the trolley in one second flat.

_'Hang on... he just took all of them. That means he must be a player or has an active imagination with his girlfriend. I opt for the first idea. _' Sheesh can this girl stop.

I hurried to a free check out with a female cashier. Thank god I didn't have to wait in line at least.

Hurry up I thought to the checkout chick. I was sick of getting dirty looks thrown my way. I am a gentleman. I WAS BORN IN 1901 FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

Finally she had finished. I throw the money on the counter and ran out of the shop with the trolley to find my family literally rolling on the ground laughing their heads off. They are so going down, first with...

"Alice, dare or dare?"

**APOV**

I know Mr. Gentlemen was going to pick me. He'd made up his mind that he was going to when he was at the checkout. I'm so glad that he suffered but picking me was utterly mean. I didn't do anything nasty to him... besides 38 years ago when I was extremely bored and decided to use his CD collection to build a small castle big enough for the bunny I had at the time.

I sighed. "Dare. It's not like I have a choose Edward."

"Mwahaha!" Did Edward just laugh evilly? Oh my god! What is he turning into? "I dare you to go into your favourite shop, look around and then pretend to grab an invisible dress and attempt to pay for it." He did not just say to pretend to buy a dress from American Eagle? The horror, shame, THE HUMANITY! "Whyyyyy?" I whined. "This sucks bad!" I got up and went to the garage to get my car.

The drive to the mall was quiet besides Emmett in his Jeep behind me singing out of tune, **99 bottles of blood on the wall. **He sings it every car trip. I think he has some mental disorder or something because no vampire behaves like that... scrap that... even no human behaves like that!

I parked my baby in the reserved spot I have at the mall. Yes... I have a reserved spot because I'm special! Storming into American Eagle I quickly scoured the shop. There were 2 cashiers and 7 people in the shop. Great! I am going to look a fool. Looking a fool is Emmett's job.

The back left of the store was less occupied so I headed over there and quickly 'grabbed' the 'dress' I decided to pick out. Sarcastic tone there. Walking to the counter I already felt embarrassed and I stood there waiting for the lady to notice me. Really I'm not that small!

"How may I help you Alice?" The cashier said. Yes they know my name. I shop here nearly every day. "I... I would like to buy this dress" I replied. "What dress?" I sighed and 'held' up the 'dress'.

"This dress." Lara started laughing. "Alice, are you okay? There is no dress."

"Look can I just pay for this 'dress' please?" Lara tried to contain herself from laughing.

"Okay. That would be 100 dollars please." I payed her and then fled the store.

Once I reached the others I didn't waste time. "Carlisle, dare or dare?"

**CPOV**

I knew this day will come. Alice looked like she was about to kill Edward. Emmett was finishing off **99 bottles of blood**. He was down to 7. I am actually surprised that he can count down from 99.

"Dare," I said confidently. They wouldn't dare be too cruel to their father. If they did I'd whoop their arse.

"Carlisle. You will be paged to go to work in 10 minutes to do a shift for half an hour. During that time you will have to crabwalk down the Hospital Corridors. You are not allowed to walk on your two feet once from the time you enter the Hospital." my daughter said.

Shit she was angry from her dare. Alice and angry mixed together tastes very bad. I cannot believe that she is making me CRABWALK! I haven't crab walked in my life... besides that one time with Esme.

Emmett started laughing. "Oh my god Alice that is brilliant!" I hope he explodes from too much laughter and not enough oxygen even though he doesn't really need oxygen. He'd probably forget that he doesn't anyway. "Are you serious Alice?" I asked. "Deadly serious."

"HAHAHAHAHA get it... deadly... and we're dead. Anyone else get it?" Emmet asked. Why did I ever change him?

'BEEP.' My pager went off. Time to face the music... well patients.

At the Hospital door I got into the crab position. I hated my children right now.

I crab walked inside the waiting area to the desk. "Don't ask Morag. It is a dare I'm sorry." I told the lady at the desk. "It's okay Dr. Cullen. That position suits you well." She giggled.

OMG do I have to put up with that? I'm so glad right now that I don't have Edward's mindreading ability but I looked outside and saw him laughing. Maybe I wish I had his ability. He knows what she is thinking.

After my shift I walked through my front door to find the family laughing at me besides my darling wife. I suppose it was a LITTLE funny."Do you guys know what I had to suffer through? I had nurses and doctors coming up and asking me if I had taken drugs from the storage supplies!"

Emmett doubled over laughing creating yet another hole in the floor.

"So Emmett, dare or dare?" I asked. I have got something up my sleeve for him.

**A/N: I had to split this chapter up into twp. Next chapter will feature Emmett's, Rosalie's, Esme's and Jasper's Dare. If you have any ideas of what I could do for their dares then feel free to contact via email, review or message me on fanfiction Thank you everyone for reviewing, hitting and adding me to your favourites and alerts. As of August 2010, this chapter has been edited. **


	5. Let the Dares Continue

**Chapter five: The Dares continue**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Twilight.**

**I'd like to thank **_Hawktalon(dot)of(dot)Windclan_** for coming up with Rosalie and Emmett's dare.**

**By the way, sorry if Emmett's dare doesn't make any s**_**e**_**nse cause he's a vampire. Just play along.**

**EmPOV**

_Ooh yah it's my turn_. I had wandered upstairs into Carlisle's medicine cabinet...again. Skipping down the stairs is fun too. It makes me feel PRETTY! In the living room I saw Edward shaking his head. He had heard my thoughts but it doesn't matter because I'm PRETTY!

"I choose Dare. I don't like Truth," I said. "Emmett... you can't choose bloody truth. The game is called dare or DARE. You have to choose dare." Bella muttered but I heard her because I have pretty vampire hearing.

"Why the hell is your hair down to your shoulders!" Rosalie yelled. **(A/N: I know he's a vampire but it is Emmett so let's pretend he's weird [actually no pretending needed] and can grow his hair because of the side effects of the drugs he took.) **Finally someone had noticed my new hairdo. "I ventured into Carlisle's cabinet because I was bored."

"Again... I might add. Last time you did that you thought you were a star." Edward growled.

"I AM A STAR! STOP TRYING TO HURT MY FEELINGS!"

"Emmett has feelings?" Bella asked.

"Okay, that's enough. On with Emmett's dare. I will deal with his punishment for violating my medicine cabinet later. We DO have eternity." Carlisle interrupted. "Emmett, I dare you to seduce that Mike Newton that keeps going after Bella." Strict, vampire father say what? I never thought Carlisle would actually think of something like that. He's so old fashioned though at least he gets action from Esme..._ haha Edward you repressed vampire._

"OMG I get to play gay? This is so exciting! I've always wanted to see what it is like being gay!"

"I feel so sorry for you Rosalie." Alice laughed. "Oh I know. Why did I marry him?"

"And why did I change him?" Carlisle added randomly. Why is this pick on Emmett moment? I have feelings! "You can seduce Mike over the phone as we do not trust you to PRETEND to be gay." Edward said. _At least I get action. Hear that Edward. I could put those condoms to use. _Edward growled in response to my thought.

I was hell pumped for my dare and I mean pumped. Upstairs I found a pair of Rose's pumps and decided to put them on to get in the mood! Man, I should wear these more often. They're comfy.

I dialled Mike's number and I cleared my throat.

"Hello Mike man speaking." Mike man. Ego there boy. Keep it down.

"Heyya Mikey. What you up to?" I love my girly voice... and these shoes!

"Nothing much babe. Who is this?"

"It's Emmett Cullen."

"What? Why are you ringing?"

"Cause I wanted to tell ya something important."

"What is it Cullen?"

"Oh you, you can call me Emmie anytime. I was wondering if you were still seeing Jessica?"

"Kinda...why?"

"Dump her for me... I need a man like you." Geez I am so good at this. STAR POWER!

"Um... what the hell?"

"You know you want to Mikey. Just tell me. I won't tell. Don't deny it."

"Okay... I love you Emmie." OMG he just said that? He is so gay. I'm scared. MUMMY!

"Talk to you soon Mikey. By the way, I'm wearing red pumps. Thought you might want to know." I hung up and sat there. Everyone around me was laughing.

"HAHAHAAHAHAA. MIKE NEWTON IS GAY!" I yelled. Wait till the whole school hears about this!

"I caught the whole conversation on record." Alice said. OMG texting time to people. Text, text, text, text. Hehehe. Text sort of rhymes with sex. I can rhyme.

"Come on Emmett. Choose the next person." Edward said.

"Okay... Rose baby... dare or dare?"

**RPOV**

"Dare." I smiled. Seduce him and he won't give me a bad dare... if he does!

Emmett sat there thinking for a while. He is actually thinking? My husband cleared his throat before starting to speak.

"Rose, baby, I dare you to rip up that red satin favourite dress of yours."

OMFG he did not just dare me to do that! That is my favourite dress of all time. I wore it to our last wedding because I HATE the colour white. It does not go with my hair.

"WHAT? ARE YOU FRICKEN KIDDING ME EMMETT?"

"Ah no dear. It's your dare that I chose for you. Anyway that dress makes you just a little... fat."

"WHAT? I am not fat! I happen to love that dress!" I whined. "That's the point babe. That's what makes it a dare."

He has a sick mind. What kind of husband is he? Deranged? Deluded? Mental? ALL THREE and calling me FAT. I only drink the blood of animals with lean meat.

"You are NEVER touching me again after this!" He pouted. Mwahaha.

I stormed up to our... make that my... bedroom and got out my favourite dress and brought it down to the lounge room for witnesses to see me actually rip it because they won't believe ME.

"This is so mean of you Emmett." I said just before I realised Emmett wasn't even in the room but he would have heard me anyway but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't.

I turned away so my back faced my family... and Bella.

RIPPPPPPPP. Sobbing dry tears, I continued to rip up my dress until it was in 48 pieces.

Alice came up and hugged me but I shrugged her off. "Emmett will pay. Where is he?"

Suddenly I heard music from upstairs. Untouched by The Veronicas and then Emmett's booming voice.

_I feel so untouched and I want you so much_

_that I just can't resist you._

_It's not enough to say that I miss you._

_I feel so untouched right now, need you so much somehow_

_I can't forget you._

_Goin' crazy from the moment I met you._

That song suited Emmett well. Untouched. He's going to stay untouched for quite some time. I smiled to myself as I can picture his face now. Now to dare someone.

Only Jasper or Esme left. I didn't want to be mean to Esme. She would make me pay for it later.

"Jasper do you pick dare or dare?"

**JPOV**

Rosalie was angry. I could sense her emotions. That's my gift. Yah. Though I was going to pay for Rosalie's anger.

"Dare. I choose dare." Like I have a choose. Rosalie's emotions changed from anger to mischievous. Why did my 'biological' sister choose me? What did I do? I just want to go and play Wii Play and kill all of those evil colourful tanks.

"I dare you... to walk through the mall dragging your 'pet' rock, Rockmunchy, on a leash. From one end to the other." She smiled evilly at me. Ooh bad, bad Rose.

"Can Slinky come too?" I asked. He better be able to. It's hard to hide that thing. Always slinking away. "Whatever. Here's Rockmunchy." Rosalie handed me a relatively large, noticeable rock with a piece of chain tied around it so that it was sure not to come off.

I groaned. How is Alice letting Rose do this to me? Alice started laughing. Great a vision of me at the mall. I can see the humiliation now. Alice better stop laughing soon or she will be missing some clothes. I have full access to her closet. Mwahaha. That's right. I just laughed evilly.

We all drove to the mall in 3 cars. I like the number 3. It's an odd number. My dare was to walk from one side of the mall to another with 'Rockmunchy'. The width of the mall was bloody 400 metres! I walked slowly to the door of Just Jeans. I had to walk from here all the way to the entrance of the Pet Shop four hundred metres away whilst dragging a pet rock.

I sighed and started to walk. Every single human turned and looked at me as I walked by. Lauren and Jessica snickered as I walked by. _Shut up you stupid girls_. I'm feeling peckish and I'll gladly eat you. For the remainder of the walked I tried to ignore the fact that I was dragging a rock weighing a kilogram on a leash.

After five embarrassing minutes I was outside the door of the Pet Shop. I turned to pick up Rockmunchy when I noticed that he was gone.

"NOOOO!" I cried. For some stupid reason I had grown accustomed to my little tagalong. I run the in the direction that I had walked until I found my pet rock outside the Coffee Club... with slinky! WTF? Bad slinky and bad Rocky.

"I love you guys," I told my PRECIOUS items as I picked them up. Getting another few looks I raced back to the car.

"What took you so long Jasper? Found a hole and crawled in it?" Emmett laughed. He's the one talking about holes. He might as well be in one because Rose isn't letting him back in the bedroom.

"Shut up. I lost Rockmunchy and had to go back for him."

Listening to my family laugh the whole way home got irritating so I petted my pets. Mwahah I said pet twice in 3 words.

I then realised that the only person left to dare was Esme. NOO it's so hard giving her a dare. She's the sweet, soft mother of the family. Stupid family and leaving me in this condition. Don't they know that if I'm feeling depressed then I can make them feel depressed also?

Walking through the Front door I said, "...Esme, dare or... dare?

**EsPOV**

My innocent little Jasper was the one stuck with picking my dare. I feel sorry for him but at the same time I want to laugh at him. He looks so cute when he is angry. It is taking most of my self determination not to go and pinch his cheeks like a little tubby baby.

"I have decided to go with dare." I finally replied. Jasper shifted whilst thinking for a moment.

Mwahaha now I've made him think. Too bad Emmett doesn't...make that can't think.

Every once in a while Jasper would open his mouth but quickly shut it again.

"Come on we don't have all day." Rose stated. "We have all day... and all eternity. Yah I figured that out today. Claps for me!" Emmett was the only one clapping for himself figuring out that we can't really die unless we're burnt. OMG Emmett. I have a retarded son!

"Esme... I dare you to ... go and smash that coffee table in the REC room." Jasper sighed.

Oh my gosh. He did not just tell me to go and wreck my own house? I hate it when the boys indulge in wrestling matches and fights that destroy my walls, floors, furniture and surprisingly, ceiling.

Emmett yelled out, "Oooooohhhh Jasper you're going to get served for this."

"Emmett if you don't stop being dumb, we're going to have to lock you up in another room." Alice said.

I'm going to have to wreck my coffee table aren't I? Better get it over and done with I suppose.

Slowly, I walked over to my glass coffee table. It was decorated with flourishing flower patterns. Damn it!

In one second flat I had raised my hand, turned my head and brought my hand back down at vampire speed.

SMASH

I turned to see my table in a million pieces. The room was silent. Bella was protected in Edward's arms from fraying pieces of shattering glass. Alice had her head buried in Jasper's chest and Rose and Carlisle were standing still. Wait for it... 3... 2... 1...

"MWAHAHAHA that was the best comedy I had ever seen!" Emmett laughed.

"EMMETT!" Rose, Alice and I yelled at the same time. He'd better start running.

With that I charged for Emmett and he started running out the back door.

He isn't going to get away. Mad Esme in action with vampire speed combined with the incentive to destroy my stupid son was a force to be reckoned with.

**A/N: You guys know what to do :) I posted this chapter especially for everyone. Sorry about not writing a chapter yesterday. I needed a little break and I had to figure out Jasper and Esme's dares. Esme was hard to think up. She's just so nice to be mean to her. It took me forever to even write her dare out.****Thank you to all the regular reviewers and the new reviewers. It makes me happy opening my emails in the morning. Great start to the day.****Next chapter features Emmett doing more embarrassing and extremely stupid things. As of August 2010 this chapter has been edited.**


	6. Emmett's Little Shopping Trip

**Chapter Six: Emmett's little Shopping Trip**

**A/N: I still do not own Twilight. I'll tell everyone when I do, which will be never. The amazing Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of Twilight.**

**This chapter was inspired when I was in Woolworths myself.**

**I only have 44 reviews and I wanted 50! Let's aim for 55 this time. That's only 11! PLZ**

**Special mention to .**

**I am against strongly against Animal Cruelty but I just had to add it in as it was an injoke with friends.**

**I think I made Emmett a little more sane in this chapter though he does have random outbursts.**

EsPOV

Oh no oh no oh no. My poor Bella. We have run out of human food. I was going to make her a special little breakfast as well to celebrate her being in our family for a year.

Without her, my little Eddie would have been so lonely and pouting around the house. I cannot stand his pouting. It reminds me of Emmett when he doesn't get his way and one Emmett is enough in this family.

I have an idea! Emmett is going to suffer for laughing at me when I had to destroy my coffee table.

"EMMETT! GET YOUR BUTT DOWNSTAIRS NOW!" I yelled. This is going to be pure joy and it's only phase one of his punishment.

My stupid son bounded down the stairs of our house shaking the foundations. I swear...if he breaks this house I shall have to kill him fully. "Honey I'm home." Emmett yelled.

"KITCHEN NOW EMMETT." I feel sorry for his parents that had the privilege of looking after him when he was human.

I turned to face him. "Emmett, there is no human food in the house. As PART of your punishment you have to go down to the supermarket and buy APPROPRIATE human food for Bella."

"HOORAY! I GET TO DO THINGS FOR MY FAVOURITE HUMAN!" He isn't supposed to be excited about this but then again, it was Emmett and he is unnaturally weird.

"I'm only giving you one hour Emmett. Try and finish something on time for once."

"I always finish things I set out to do!" He replied. Oh no he does not.

"Remember that time when you had a week to finish building a barn in Alaska? You gave up after 3 days and you'd only got up one wall!"

"I shall not give up! I shall complete this mission! I will not let you down!" Emmett had now decided to think he was part of the Army sent on a daring mission. My God.

"Just go Emmett. You have your credit card."

"Actually... I lost it. You see... I had to use it for..." I didn't let him continue.

"Fine then. Do you have any money on you?" Why did I ask? I already knew he didn't.

"Long story. I was at the park and was bored and needed amusement so I decided to see how high I could pile the notes. A gust of wind came and blew them everywhere and I was too bothered to collect them. It takes effort. Besides it was only 1000 dollars." Stupid stupid stupid vampire.

I gave him a spare credit card. With Emmett around you need spares of everything.

He dashed upstairs and came back down in a minute in an army attire. I shook my head as he left.

Why couldn't I have another normal son like Edward and Jasper? Scrap that... I could hear the other two fighting downstairs over who's turn it was on the Play Station. I need a normal, relaxed and normal family. Did I mention normal?

EmPOV

I wonder what Bella likes to eat? My personal favourite is grizzly bear but I don't think that bears are sold in supermarkets. Or do they? I shall show everyone that Emmett Cullen can be responsible...mwahahaha. Damn I've been around Alice too long. Or have I?

Pulling into the supermarket carpark I noticed women pushing these contraptions with a baby in the front and 'food' in the bigger hole bit. I need to get me one of them.

At the entrance I spotted a whole colony of the contraptions. All the humans were pushing one but seeing as I am a strong vampire with strength, Yeah Baby, I'm going to push 3!

I decided to go down every aisle. You never know what you might find...neither do I.

Pushing these trollies get fair annoying with effort. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. I pushed my trollies and then zoomed down the aisle because I am cool. Feeling the breeze.

"WOOP WOOP WOOP!" I yelled. Man who thought human shopping was fun and I haven't even done any shopping yet.

Aisle Two had cooking needs. Or so the sign says but you can never believe the signs. They lie!

After careful consideration I grabbed flour and SUGAR! I wonder if Bella can get hypo off of this stuff? The word even makes me high. Hahah Jasper is going to have a field day!

Making it through aisles three and four that for some all-known reason had rainbown sprinkles, brooms and various greeh vegetables, that made no sense as they were not red, I finally made it to Aisle Five.

"Man I want to live in this aisle! It has everything!" I proclaimed. Well... it did.

I found the most perfect barbie doll that I am going to name Rosalita after Rosalie. She comes with a brush and I'm going to brush her hair everyday.

Spreads and canned items also plagued this aisle. You can get nearly anything in a can! Beef, beans, tuna, pork, veal...cheese? I'm so getting some.

I threw a can into one of my trollies but then I figured out that it had a dent in it. Those bastards...can't even keep a can in shape. After going through the rest of the stupid baked bean cans, in which they mysteriously all had dents in them just after I threw them in the trolley, I gave up. **(A/n: Haha Emmett is the one making the dents when he throws them! Oblivious much?)**

Upon finding the spreads I found NUTELLA!

"Edward should so try this. He needs more nuts!" I said to myself.

God some of this human food smells quite nice. I grabbed a jar of vegemite. Strong, delectable. I shall try this tonight.

I turned and found myself in heaven. The Pet aisle. Running down I knocked various dog and cat food boxes and tins into a trolley. Flea collars? Those dogs down at La Push could use some of these and I will buy a few and mail the collars to them.

Man shopping is hard work! I still have two aisles to go! Bella better be happy or I shall have to tell her what Edward did last night whilst Bella was sleeping... dun dun dunnnnnn!

FROZEN AISLE!! Can you believe that you can actually buy crumbed fish in the shape of little fishies? I am so getting that and naming all the fishies and start my own fish army.

"ATTACK OF THE FISHIES!" I yelled and received stares from random humans. "STOP STARING AT ME LIKE I'M A VAMPIRE!" I yelled again. Oops... don't think I was supposed to give our secret away...but it doesn't look like they took me seriously... why was that? I can be serious!

Oh my god. Finally the last aisle. The hygiene aisle. Wonder what foods are in this aisle?

"OMG DRUGS!! DRUGS ARE SOLD HERE!" Yummy.

I better buy some to stock up on Carlisle's drugs as I keep pinching them... he doesn't suspect me... wait he does. He's banned me from his study room because of it. Better buy my own as well.

God I love drugs!

Walking towards the checkout with 2 and a half trolleys full of 'food' I remembered the "Deli" as Bella calls it. That thingo that sells meat...I wonder if there's bear?

At the Deli I asked, "Do you have any chicken?" Chicken was the first thing that came to my HUGE mind.

"Yes sir. We sell many varieties of chicken. Schnitzel, diced, crumbed or breast."

Damn it. Why is there so many different types? Why can't you just have one type?

"I'll have some of the chicken breast. " I answered.** (A/N: We all know why Emmett chose that.)**

"Sir, how many grams of it?"

"God how am I supposed to know. I don't even eat THIS sort of meat. Any amount!" Bella better eat this shit.

Well now, I have finally successfully mastered human shopping.In...in... 1 hour and 19 minutes. DAMN.

After paying for ALL the food I headed outside the entrance where I noticed a dead possum. (A/N: Say no to Animal Cruelty.) Bella can have it for dinner! Possum on a stick! After retrieving it I again noticed women pushing young humans in the front of their trolley. I want a young human to play with!

I noticed a trolley with a child in it...being suspsicious I lifted the child out of the trolley and placed him in one of my trolleys. Rosalie would love me for bringing her home a child!

"STOP THATS MY CHILD! GIVE ME BACK MY CHILD." Ooh the mother noticeld me.

Half an hour later I had wound up at the Police Station. Damn It. Stupid mother and wanting her child back! I was held there until someone came to bail me out...yet again. I got to ring Carlisle.

"Hello...Carlisle?"

"Yes Emmett we all know why you rung? YOU STOLE A BLOODY CHILD?"

"It looked cute!" It really did. Why isn't anyone satisfied with me?

"Emmett...don't you have any brains? Obviously not though."

"It's not my FAULT"

"It kind of is Emmett. You will have to stay there for the night so that it sinks in that Stealing a child is bad...very bad."

"Damn it... what's Bella going to have for dinner then?"

"Esme has gone to the shop for her."

"But I picked out dinner for her!!" I whined.

"Emmett...POSSUM ON A STICK. WTF?" Carlisle yelled.

"What? It tasted okay."

"You tasted it?"

"Well...licked it."

"Geez Emmett. Goodnight." Carlisle just hung up on me. Why me? I'm the favourite!

**Everyone knows what to do when they've finished reading this chapter. REVIEW hehe.**

**Today is the last day of my holidays so if you want me to update more whilst balancing Term 3 of year 10 then review me with motivation. I may only write a chapter every 3 to 7 days but I will continue updating regularly. There is always Maths to write out some ideas and chapters.**

**BTW does anyone have any ideas for what I could do for chapters? **

**How do you all feel about a food fight? Review or PM with ideas.**

**Sorry if the Possum on a stick offended everyone. As I said at the beginning on the chapter, I am strongly against animal cruelty but this was a harmless injoke with my friends.**

**Also, what is a beta reader? They intrigue me!**


	7. Pass the Salt

**Chapter 7: Pass the Salt **

**A/N: I am extremely happy. Lots of people must have liked chapter 6. Opening my inbox during History and seeing 28 emails of reviews, favourites and alerts... and one myspace comment was amazing. I felt so happy! Thank you everyone who said Food Fight. **

**Here is chapter 7 whilst juggling 4 projects, Maths homework and CHEESE!**

**And if anyone noticed, I didn't end up filling in the special mention in the A/N from the last chapter. It was for _Briiittx xhc _for keeping me amused at 2am in the morning.**

**BTW I still do not own Twilight. Man I wish I did though. Edward would be all mine!**

CPOV

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new family. What is with us? Man did I do anything to anger God... besides being a vampire of course. But... meh. I like cheese even though I can't eat.

All this stress is making me age... hyperthetically.

The litle ragga muffins have come home from school. I shall hear some noises soon enough from their fighting and arguing. Bloody hell!

Better fill out those reports about the man I couldn't save today... that wasn't his spleen I pulled out... a man can learn from his mistakes can't he?

APOV

This outfit is so ten minutes ago. Ahhh I have to go and change or I shall just scream and if I don't Emmett will make fun of me in exactly one minute because he thinks its soooooooooooo funny.

Looking over my shoulder I could see Jasper tense up. There is so much lust in this room. Edward really is repressed. Man get a room!

"HAHA Alice. You haven't changed for a whole 8 hours. How do you feel?" What the hell Emmett? He's acting like a physcologist. He shouldn't be giving out advice, he should be receiving it. Emmett can not get away with laughing at me because of my clothes.

"Well you're wearing the same clothes that you wore yesterday Emmett." Does

he have any COMMON sense? "Hey, I slept in these clothes and I forgot to change."

"Emmett we are vampires. We can't sleep."

"Oh... that's right. Because we're invisible and don't need sleep!" My god how can he think we sleep?

I shall have to settle this little tiff. Esme had brouht some food from the supermarket the other day after Emmett's misfortunate child snatching. Fleeing the Lounge Room, I went into the kitchen and grabbed the first thing I laid my hands on... yoghurt... excellent. Waltzing back into the Lounge Room and walked so that I was behind Emmett and tipped yoghurt all over his head.

Priceless. I love this family sometimes. Amusement. The look Emmett's face is so hilarious. He looks like monkey crossed with a giraffe. Don't know how I came up with that but meh. It works for me.

Next thing I know I have tomato sauce dumped over me. AHHHHHH its red. Red suits Rose not me. Emmett the little rascal.

"FOOD FIGHT!" I yelled. Everyone stared at me like I had gone nuts. "What can't I be random too? Emmett gets to have all the fun!" Geez now I'm turning into him. So help me god.

"You want a piece of me?" I yelled. Pixie-girl in action. I'm a black belt.

"Man I love that song! I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17. Don't matter if I step on the scene or sneak away to th..."

"Emmett.. it's Britney Spears! Dude you have issues!" Jasper said. Shit he's singing that? Must have found those new drugs Carlisle bought home to study. Damn him.

EmPOV

The ants going marching one by one hooray, hooray. This has to be the best fight... but only because I'm involved. I feel loved. Turning on my feet... I HAVE FEET... I noticed a container with 'Peanut Butter' written on the side. Whoa what is that? It smells yummy if I must say so myself. Let's have a looksie.

Picking up the container and lifting it to my noise I was captivated. I could get HIGH off of this stuff. I love getting HIGH. Man who invented the word HIGH? I want to go and give that human a HIGH-FIVE.

Sitting in the corner to get away from the fight, I continued to sniff this devine human food. _This smells better than Rosalie's hair. _OMG don't tell her I thought that Edward.

This food fight needs to be more fun! I love fun!! Hehe I'm high. I know exactly what it needs and I can sense it about three miles from here.

EPOV

Is everyone hyper or something? Their actions and thoughts are scaring me. Mummy!

Tuning into everyone's thoughts, besides Bella's because she just had to be difficult, I shuddered.

_'Mwahaha. I just evil laughed. I didn't know human food could be so fun... Mwahaha_.' Alice and her flamboyency has gone to her brain. If someone doesn't stop her then the floor certainly will.

_'This whipped cream is actually doing wonders for my complexion. Oh my gosh I should buy some of this human crap they call food. Let's see what else we've got.' _Wow that is so unlike Rosalie. I watched as she rolled around on the floor in a mixture of... of... cream, cheesecake, flour, sauce and yoghurt. That is disgusting.

_'Slinky and Rocky should come down and join in on the fun. I shall go get them. Lalalalala._' Jasper just skipped out of the room. Weird. This family needs counselling.

_'If I ate a clown, would it taste funny?_' WTF Emmett? Clowns.. those things are evil. Bad bad memories.

Of course I couldn't hear Bella's thoughts. That left Carlisle's and Esme's to snoop on.

_'You are my little flowers. My proper children. I shall name you all squishy and you shall be my squishy._' Esme has now resorted to flowers as kids. We must be evil. Mwahaha. Oh no I did not just evil laugh.

_'This new drug is peculiar. I wonder what it tastes like? Eww that takes disgusting. How can Emmett down them? Weird son of mine.'_ At least Carlisle is partially sensible... besides the fact that he just tried drugs.

EmPOV

Wow that was a run and a half but I don't mind because I run at the speed of light... or almost.

This thing is heavy. I decided to take the easy way out instead of opening the door so I thought I will be special and decided to make a hole in the Lounge Room wall from outside.

Easy access. Only making the house more accessible.

Time to make my contibution to this food fight of the century.

"FOOD FIGHT!" I yelled and waited impatiently for everyone to pay me some attention. I love attention. Once I had their attention I threw in my bit.

Guess what it was... well if it is a FOOD fight I decided to be cool and throw a live deer.

"Emmett thats a freaking LIVE DEER!!" Edward and Jasper yelled.

"I was just trying to be cool. Stop hurting my feelings and lowering my self esteem. I'm going back to getting HIGH off of Peanut Butter.

I moved to the corner where I left my treasured possession. _I love you Peanut Butter._

EsPOV\

I had finished up with my flowers and I was washing my hands in the sink upstairs when I heard a noise.

What is all the commotion downstairs? It sounds like someone is dying... metaphorically speaking... besides Bella.

"You know, I may go down and check on the horrifying mess the children have most likely made," I said to Carlisle.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," He replied. Ooh... it must be bad. Stupid Emmett. I always blame him before I even know the situation. Emmett is just so blameable and it ends up being him anyway.

I may not be able to tell the future but I am a mother and I know my children off-by heart with their personalities and interests. I could run off a list now... but I won't because I love my house and it is in the process of getting wrecked.

Taking my time to walk down the stairs I noticed that a few of my paintings had fallen off of their respected place on the wall. I had spent hours painting those! What the hell? Oh em gee. I walked into the Lounge Room to find it a complete mess. There was bits and pieces of human food scattered EVERYWHERE, 5 vampires, 1 human and... and ... a live deer?

Rosalie and Alice were at each other's throats with whipped cream, Edward and Jasper were rolling on the floor in... is that Sultana Bran Cereal?, Emmett was in the corner facing the wall getting high off of peanut butter, a deer was near my couch with a suspicious look on it's face and Bella was in the middle snacking on popcorn that had split all over my polished wood floor!

Oh no they do not... why did I become a part of this family? Emmett never grows up!He's what...80 or so?** (A/N: I forget when he got changed, what is it really?)**

Time for Vampire Mother Esme to take control...

"EMMETT CLEAN IT UP!" Mwahaha another form of payback. Still have not found another coffee table to replace my beloved other one.

"Why me? I didn't make ALL the mess!"

"Well the deer you threw made up practically the rest of it... so in truth... you are to be blamed for most besides the cream and cereal. GET THE DEER AWAY FROM MY COUCH!"

If that deer decides it is hungry and chews on my couch I... I... I shall eat it!

"Have this cleaned up in 10 minutes or you shall spend a night in the corner... ALONE... no barbie doll... peanut butter or shoes! Why are you inhaling peanut butter anyway?" It isn't going to make him smarter.

"I like the smell of it! Smells like peanuts and butter," Emmett replied

"That's cause it's peanut and butter combined idiot," Rosalie said. Damn straight girl.

I turned on my heel and left the Lounge Room to go and tend to my beautiful flowers.

Let's hope I come back and Emmett isn't stuck to the ceiling like last time I left him to clean up.

Can that boy do anything right?

**Everyone knows what to do! I cannot believe I have 1320 hits, 62 reviews, 14 faves and 17 alerts. You people sure made me motivated. Emmett loves you all... and drugs.**

**I was hoping for 55 reviews but I got 57! Lets aim for 70-80! YAH!**

**I know know what a beta reader is. Thank you to those who informed and told me.**

**I'm ditching school tomorrow due to an Athletics Carnival and so I could stay up late to finish this chapter for all my faithful readers.**

**Please review or I shall have to get Emmett to steal you whlst you're shopping... even though he loves you all!**


	8. Ode to Math Class

**Chaper Eight: Ode to Maths Class**

**A/N: Mention to **_Hawktalon.of.Windclan_** for coming up with the idea of this chapter.**

**I wish I owned Twilight but alas I do not. Only 2 more days till Breaking Dawn! **

**Rachael and I are in the same Maths Class and together we do the weirdest things in them.**

**The things the characters do in the chapter are some things that Rachael and I have actually done. Minus the whiteout... well Rach stole mine but meh. **

**Sorry for the late update! So sorry but now my History project is complete!**

**Thank you everyone for the reviews for the last chapter and previous chapters.**

**I love rambling on in these A/Ns. On with this chapter.**

BPOV

This day would have to be one of the worst so far. Do you know how annoying Mike gets? He's supposed to be GAY and in English he was so full of it. Wonders will never cease.

Sitting here in Trigonometry I had zoned out from Mr Varner's lecture on something that involved triangles.

Jessica keeps blabbering to me about her date the other night with a MYSTERIOUS man she met at a Night Club. Why is she talking to me? Can she talk about anything besides guys, gossip and work? Not that I understand her anyway with all that girly bimbo language. Urghh... I shall kill her when I'm a vampire. One little human won't matter. I did say I'll throw in a couple of humans so Jasper could win that bet on me. So technically, I'm keeping my promise.

I decided that I'd better do something to ease my boredom or I would seriously have to get up and start dancing in the middle of the room. No matter what I came up with, I couldn't find something to do until... mwahahahaaha. I am going to stack up all of the things in my pencil case and see how high I can make them all balance. Then if they come crashing down... I'll blame it all on Jessica... for some reason.

Pulling various stationery items out of my pencil case, I looked around suspiciously. Noone was watching me... besides that Eric person. I shuddered. GLUE... Ahaha that shall be the foundation of my building! What next? A ruler. I can make a tune out of this. Rubber goes on ruler, sharpener goes on rubber, scissor goes on sharpener, whiteout goes on scissors, pen goes on...

... and it all comes crashing down!! Mwahahaha. AHHH!!

"Bella, what are you doing in my classroom?" Mr Varner asked me. Oh crap, embarrassment. Stop blushing you moron Bella.

BRRINNNNNGGGGGGG **(A/N: Can't do bell noises)**

BAHAHAAHA the bell rang... to the Stupid Shiny Volvo!! Success... Man I love cheese!

EPOV

_Math math math. Everyone loves math. _Wow that was a random thought and a half. Who loves math? It is the worst subject ever! Bella isn't with me... neither is anyone else that I socialise with. I hate math... I hate Alegbra... now cheese... that's another story.

Hmmm... I dug through my school bag and pulled out a bag of ... skittles. WTF? I am a vampire. I do not eat skittles. I eat blood...drink blood.

"Cullen has skittles. ATTACK!" I turned and had Tyler come at me so I dropped the bag and ran at a stupid human pace, to the corner and huddled, staring at the scene before me. OMG it is skittles. Little balls of sugary substances with a fruit flavour. I am so scared.

To get my mind off of this horrifying encounter I decided to again tune into my families thoughts.

I know what you're thinking. Mwaha. That sound's suss and creepy. God I'm weird.

_1+1 is 2. 2+2 is 4. 4+4 is ... 8? Oh my jay it is eight! I learnt something today! Yay I feel extremely special. STAR POWER!! I am not the weakest link. Now... 8+8 is... 15? Damn it. That doesn't sound right. When I become president... I shall change it so 8+8 will be 15. Don't mess with me. _

Wow... Emmett is truly dumb. Haha he wants to be president. You need to graduate from Primary School dear brother. Ah time to fly.

_I haven't changed my outfit in four hours. This is a tragedy and I do not have many new clothes because a certain someone, coughjaspercough, dumped my 15 BAGS!! I still need payback for that._

_Why is this teacher not teaching us anything useful? Who in their right mind is going to use Advanced Calculus in their lives? _**(A/N: Haven't done calculus yet so I just made Advanced up cause I can. Mwahah.)**__ Alice needs a life! Her thoughts are always around shopping... I'm going to book her into Shoppers Anonymous. Whatever that is...

I decided to check into Jasper's thoughts. That boy can be weird at times.

_I believe in miracles, where you from. You sexy thing. I believe in miracles, since you came alone. You Sexy Thing. _That is disturbing!! Ah it must be about Alice but I stopped listening. Too much information. Gee TMI!

This is depressing. I need to occupy my time more. I spotted something in the corner of my eye. A MEXICAN HAT! Source of amusement. I know this is beyond my standards but desperate times call for desperate measures. Gah!

Finding space in the room that was clear was surpisingly easy. I placed the hat down and started to remember the tune. Then I started to dance around the hat. I didn't know the lyrics so I just hummed the tune and everyone turned to stare. What? They've never seen a VAMPIRE do the mexican hat before? Imbeciles! But that didn't stop me and I kept on doing it until the bell decided to finally ring.

RPOV

Why does math have to be boring. You'd think that it may get a little more interesting as you have to go over high school again and again. But it doesn't. Stupid maths just has to be about numbers and I do not like numbers. At least I have Alice to keep me sane through the seemingly endless hours of Calculus that we are REQUIRED to do each week.

I don't think I have learnt anything of value from taking the same course 5 times, besides the fact that mathboring. I cannot think of anything else to occupy myself. This lesson I had filed my nails, re-organised my stationery into colour-coded, refreshed myself in the bathroom, filed the notes in my folder... oh and did the work set for the lesson. Alice was in the same position as me, bored with nothing to do... unless.

Again, I'm going to have to think up something to amuse me and make Emmett proud. Not that I'm letting him into the bedroom yet. I'm just going to tease him some more. It has been two months since he called me fat and made me rip up my dress! Two looonnnng months for him, two peaceful quiet months for me. Ahhh relaxation.

Looking around the classroom I saw students frantically trying to finish the work before the bell. Rubbers, pencils, rulers, pens and whiteout flooded the desks. Whiteout... that gave me the best idea. Well... not the best but exceptionally good I think.

Gracefully I walked past each desk and quietly 'borrowed' everyone's whiteouts so that I had 19 of them within the space of 2 minutes. Whoa! I'm devious... Mwahahaha. DAMN IT ALICE!!

I turned around to find Alice doing something else that I could not see from the position I was sitting in.

The bell went five minutes later, signalling the end of school for another day. No-one had actually asked for their whiteout back. That's because the beautiful Rosalie has took it. No-one would confront me about it. Walking out of the room I smiled to myself.

I had gotten all of the whiteouts and stashed them in the substitute's pencilcase and had covered it in whiteout. Ooh I am an evil vampire... in the second most gorgeous dress that I own... well actually the MOST now seeing as I had to destory the most gorgeous one that I had.

Emmett shall still get more payback. From Esme, Edward and I!

EmPOV

Jasper and I are in the same Math class cause we're sooo cool. Math Buddies we are. Stupid math is compulsory at the school so we HAVE to do it because compulsory means "HAVE TO!" So this is why Jasper and I are in General Maths. I don't know why Jasper is though, he said it is because I cannot be trusted by myself in Maths... or any class because I'm weird, distruptive, loud, strong, dumb, random and stupid. What kind of a list is that? A personal 'List Emmett's imperfections to make him sad'?

This Mr. Towel kinda teacher is just rambling on about some sort of math thing that involves a line in between two numbers. I don't even know his name so I call him Mr. Towel because towels are sooo fluffy and soft! I love towels... and lots of stuff.

I need to amuse myself and fast... otherwises I shall have to do something drastic. Trust me.. Emmett Cullen being drastic isn't fun... well for you anyway because I love being ME!! I decided then and there... I had nowhere else to decide... that I shall get into an argument with good old.. hehe old... Jasper next to me.

"JASPER, forks beat spoon's ass!" I yelled... and the class stared at me. They're all against me and the forks! Kill them all.. IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU!

Jasper just kept gawking at me... I know I'm so totally hot.

"NO WAY MAN! SPOONS OWN THE FORKS!" Wow Jasper is arguing with me in math. That's a first.. probably because we don't really argue in math. I just argue with myself in my head. I hear voices!

"FORKS!" Jasper shall not beat me.

"SPOONS!"

"FORKS!"

"SPOONS!" Jasper stop retaliating and copying me! I stood up with a fork. Do not ask where I got the fork from. I shall NEVER reveal my secrets! Mwhahaha.

"Jasper Hale! Emmett Cullen! What do you boys think you are playing at? Spoons and Forks? Are you five?" Mr. Towel asked.

"I AM NOT 5. I AM 80 SOMETHING. DAMN I FORGET!" I yelled. Wow secret blurting alert.

Jasper had just turned to me and gave me the evil stare. _If looks could kill... b_ut haha sucker, I'm already dead!

"Emmett Cullen. Now you are making up your age! Go to the head master's office immediately. No ducking off to the oval and scaring the Year 7s AGAIN!" Mr Towel ordered.

"Emmett... How about we compromise?" Jasper asked. Ohh big word.. what does it mean?

"Aha... maybe..." Ooh let him find his way outa that one.

"How about we combine our Spoons and Forks forces and together become the SPORKS?" Jasper suggested. Wow pretty good idea.

"SPORKS SHALL PREVAIL!" I yelled and with that I ran out of the room to the head master's office. But first, to stop by the oval to see my young buddy Kevin.

APOV

Well here I am again. The same as yesterday, in Calculus with Rosalie and this lovely textbook... sarcastic tone inserted there. WOW I'm beginning to feel how bored Emmett gets and that is scary. I feel the most weirdest urge coming on. Must... fight... it! I needed to occupy myself from this sensation. So I decided to to a few extra math problems. IT'S NOT HELPING!

I turned to Rose for support and distration when I found that she was out of her seat and walking across the room pretty suspiciously. Ooh sudden flash to the future there. HAHA she isn't going to do that is she? Obviously she is if I had a flashforward. Wow new word there. Don't think I've ever heard of it. Gosh I'm so cool!! Literally with my temperature and everything.

In another attempt to distract myself I suddenly remembered that I hadn't changed my outfit for four hours straight. Ahh the humanity! I shall have to do something about that when I get home... or now... I vote now... no I can't... resist the temptation.

Oh stuff the resisting. Let me at the CHEEZELS!! I cannot believe that I am actually wanting to eat these. How the hell did they find themselves in my Tote Bag? Most likely Bella put them there because she did not have enough space in her bag. Damn her. She's turned me to the evil side.

Shall... kill! OH GOD EDWARD NOT LITERALLY... TAKE A FREAKING JOKE... SPASM ATTACK THOUGHT OF THE MOMENT!

I had to hide myself from Rose's eyes so I turned so that my back was facing her and devoured the whole freaking bag of cheezels! Shit... I think I have a problem. I'm going to have to cough them back up. Why am I eating these? They don't even taste good! Oh my jay! Help me!

They're soooo good though. You know that didn't even make sense. I said they didn't taste good but then I said that they are so good. Man... I'm crazy. The bell is about to go in 5 seconds. Better stash the evidence.

With that the EMPTY cheezel wrapper ended up in my bag as I fled from the room. Bad bad Alice. You are a disgrace to vampires that do not EAT human food.

**Well there you have it. Another chapter. Everyone knows what to do when they've finished reading it. Yah chapter 7 bought the reviews up to 78! Let's see if we can get between 85-90!**

**Second week of school is over. Yay. Only 8 more weeks until the holidays. Damn. Shout out to **_Briiittx xhc_ ** for the sake of shouting out to someone.**

**Hehe I was listening to 'You Sexy Thing' by Hot Chocolate so I decided to add it.**

**Emmett has gotten Jasper to join in on the kidnapping so you'd better review.**

**I don't like History Projects. They suck.**


	9. Drugs, Toilets and a headache!

**Chapter 9: Drugs, Toilets and a headache!**

**Well... how is everyone? Did you all like Breaking Dawn or what you have read so far? (If you are reading it or even haven't started.) I personally liked it... well most bits... I got over the hypocritical part of BD and loved the book. **

**This chapter is dedicated to **_Briiittx xhc_** for coming up with the idea with me over MSN and my own personal experience in having a MASSIVE headache. Rachael was there to witness it.**

**Thanks for the painkillers/drugs Rach! Wooh another dedication to**_ Lady Saruman_** too. One of my Fanfiction Besties!**

**Ah and sorry for the delay on this chapter. I'm actually in the car right now on my laptop typing this just for you.**

BPOV

It's a Saturday! And you know you know what that means? EDWARD!! WOOH!! PARTY TIME!! The whole day with just Edward, and quite possibly the rest of the Cullen clan w ill hang around. One litle pixie vampire especially. CoughAliceCough. She loves getting in the way. Mwahah I can picture that.

Deciding it was time to get out of bed, I sat up, rather fast I might add. I'm going to be an excellent vampire... with super speed. Wait, hold that thought.

"AHHH PAINFUL HEADACHE!" I said. I'm... not... going... to... make... it. Need... painkillers. Where's Edward? By now he would have ordered me to lie down and shutup.

That's when I noticed a postit note stuck to my forehead. Wow, was Edward taking something when he posted a note on my HEAD?

Ripping it off carefully I flipped it to read it.

_Bella, love._

_I had to leave for a while to help Esme stop Emmett_

_from burning down the house in attempt to bake_

_peanut butter cookies. _

_I'll be back around noon at the latest._

Be safe, Edward. **(A/N: I do not have the font that Edward uses. So I've used a random one. Does anyone know what actual font Edward uses?)**

Well now I know where he is. Why did he sign it though? Of course I know its him. Who else would have written it? Obviously not Mike or someone. Mike doesn't have that perfect handwritting, a childish brother called Emmett or watches me sleep. Actually. I wouldn't put it past Mike to actually watch me sleep.

Urgh, mental image there. Wait, it's replaced again with the throbbing pain of my head. I stumbled out of my bedroom to the bathroom to have a few human moments.

After I had showered, dressed, brushed my hair and teeth, my headache was still there! It's a persistant little thing. Time to call in the big guns... dru.. I mean painkillers. Well I call them DRUGS because it's such a funny word. But you never guess what... there's no freaking drugs in the house! They're all gone!

Stumbling down the stairs, I hit something hard and cold.

"Bella are you okay?" Ahh that sweet velvet voice. How I missed it.

"I'm fine... just a headache."

"No its not. Let's get you to Carlisle right away." Gah stupid vampire and overreactions.

"Let's just go to the supermarket. I only need a couple of panadols."

"NO I prefer to be on the safe side." With that he picked me up, ran me to his stupid shiny Volvo and layed me across the backseat.

The whole way to the Cullen mansion, I sulked. Edward was driving at a speed of almost three times the limit. Seriously. He won't get me panadol but he'll drive like a maniac. This is seriously demented and wacko.

At the house, Edward ran inside the front door with me. "Carlisle! Bella is sick! Come and attend to her."

_OVERREACTION much!?_

CPOV

This has had to be one of the best days of my life so far. I've finished my thirty-fifth novel, this time under the name of Charles Culken. I really do have no life... well actually... to be precise... I have MANY many lives because I'm invinsible. Emmett is rubbing off on me.

We need to put him in that cage again for another year or so. It got fairly ugly thirty years ago. An Ice Age would have been less devasting and scary. Although, we may need to update the locks. They're just a tad outdated by a couple of decades.

Hmmm... time to turn back to my studies that only I am allowed to know of. Oh and Edward because he can read minds. But meh, it's protected by various codes, keys and those insanely cool swipey cards. That movie _Get Smart_ copied my cool locking mechanism. Lots of doors, password protected, to stop people from accessing my secret files and belongings. CoughEmmettCough.

Half an hour later I have finally resurfaced from my secret location with my secret information.

Sitting down, I began to finally complete my findings.

"...and the meaning of life is..." I was interupted.

"CARLISLE! BELLA IS SICK! COME AND ATTEND TO HER!" Oh blast.

Damn freaking Edward. Curse him to the internal flames of hell. It has taken me over three hundred years to figure out the meaning of life, seeing as I've lived the average life over countless times.

I was soooo close!! I'm getting a little annoyed with Edward and Emmett lately. One is an overprotective fool and the other is a deranged, food sniffing baboon.

GAH it's going to take me another hundred or so years to get to where I am now... well where I was thanks to Edward, the stupid vampire. I shall ring his vampire neck until the moon turns blue and then I shall claim victory over the meaning of life. MWAHAHAHA!

I sighed and walked downstairs to the Lounge Room where Edward had layed Bella down on the couch. Sheesh. I wonder if he'll still be that protective once Bella is one of us. No doubt he will still.

"What's the matter Edward?" I asked.

"It's Bella. She's ill!" I saw Bella sigh. I feel your pain girl.

"It's just a bad headache. HUMANS get them Edward. Woop de doo." Bella retorted.

"Just precautions." Edward replied.

After analysing Bella due to Edward's orders, I said, "It is only a headache. Just as Bella said. All she needs is a couple of painkillers. I'll go up to my medicine cabinet and get some. Edward make yourself useful and get Bella a glass of water."

Once upstairs I went and unlocked my cabinet and feeled inside looking for panadol.

"Funny. The whole cabinet is empty." OMC Emmett did not take them all did he? The cabinet is supposed to be locked. Maybe I ought to move it to my secret vault.

"EMMETT. GIVE THE DRUGS BACK AND I'LL LET YOU LIVE." I yelled.

EmPOV

Why am I not allowed any fun in this house? It's not fair! It's my house too. I keep getting treated like a child. First I was not allowed to bake peanut butter cookies! How am I supposed to know that you don't put plastic bowls in the oven? It doesn't say not to in the CookBook. All I wanted to do was to combine the delicious peanut butter with those circular biscuit thingos that Bella seems to like. They smell alright too.

It was like science. Experiments. Then I wasn't allowed to play on the swingset out the back.

Why do we even have a swingset? That's a question I want to know the answer of.

I really need to amuse myself. _I NEED DRUGS!_ Lucky Edward left to go to Bella's house to collect her. He won't be able to hear my thoughts and Alice is out shopping so she won't be able to see my thoughts.

"WOOP WOOP!" Creeping into Carlisle's study I noticed that no one was present... besides me. But I'm not just anybody. I'm Emmett Cullen, Strong Super Vampire with Strength.

Going over to the All Mighty Medicine Cabinet, I pulled out the spare key to it. Why I have a key you ask? Well I like drugs. So I need a key to the Drug Cabinet.

"BAHAHAHA!" World Domination starts with DRUGS... and HUMAN HIGH-FIVES.

Grabbing all the precious drug supplements I ran to the Bathroom which holds... dun dun dun... A TOILET!

I have found a reason for toilets in this house. FLUSHING DRUGS!! They cannot ruin my fun now!

"One drug for the toilet... one drug for Emmett."

"Another drug for the toilet.. two drugs for Emmett."

"One and a half drugs for the toilet... fifteen drugs for Emmett."

I can share! Me and the Toilet are the best of friends. I should make a scrapbook, showing our times together. I shall add it to the list. Now... on with the drug sharing.

"Two drugs for the toilet... seventeen dru..." I was interupted.

"EMMETT. GIVE THE DRUGS BACK AND I'LL LET YOU LIVE!" I heard Carlisle yell and the next second I heard footsteps coming my way. Have to hide the evidence.

Wow. I just shoved the rest of the drugs in my mouth. It tastes fun! Wooh.

The bathroom door barged open then. Dang. I really thought I locked it. Oh wait... nope. I was too busy eating DRUGS.

"Emmett. Back to the cage. IMMEDIATELY!" Carlisle yelled. No No No.

"NOOOOO NOT THE CAGE. ANYTHING BUT THAT CAGE! THE RATS HATE ME!! ARGH!!" I screamed. "Rose protect the peanut butter while I'm gone!"

"Gah. Like hell I will. It can be protected... IN THE BIN!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," I shouted.

**Well everyone knows what to do... I think. Did anyone like chapter 8? I didn't get as many reviews as the previous chapters have... or was it because Breaking Dawn was out in the US and people were reading that instead? I feel like feedback. Ask me any questions and whatnot or review with your favourite line from this chapter or any. Or your favourite colour, number etc. Hows the weather? Damn I'm weird. Hope you liked the chappie.**

**If you do not review **_Klutzygirl34_** has bound up Emmett and shall not release his craziness unless you do review me. Let's all work together (for the sake of Emmett) to get to over 100 reviews. Wow Let's even aspire to reach 110 reviews. Even just a one word review...**


	10. Couch Army Collecting

**Chapter Ten: Couch Army Collecting**

**Wow… I feel so happy that people liked the last chapter. This is chapter 10! I am now into the double digits!! WOOH… Special thanks to Rachael, my chips and chicken nugget craving buddy. Wednesday was great! Shout out to **_Briiittx xhc_ **for deciding on this idea for me as I have three ideas for chapters and this one made it for chapter 10! **_Briiitx xhc_… **you better be asleep!! Also mentioning **_Lady Saruman_** for coming up with Jasper's evil little plan!**

**I'm typing this A/N out in C4 during Drama… should be thinking of an idea for my Short Film but meh... you people can come first.**

JPOV

You would think that everyone in the class had already done photosynthesis before. It's so simple and easy. Plant needs sunlight to live and chlorophyll is added to make the leaves GREEN. There you have it. I don't see why we've spent the last two weeks on it.

I need to do something wacky and exhilarating. To top it off, no one will suspect me because I am the almighty quiet one in the family and practically the quietest in the school. It's because I'm so emotional isn't it? I knew that that would be the reason... this is so depressing. Awh!

Well Lunch is next period and that was in 10 minutes. A master plan came into my head then. Just enough time to complete it and be at the Cafeteria to get a tray of food that I will not even touch. Well.. I actually want to try the mystery meat... see how it is. It may even be racoon. Wow... I wanna try a racoon one day. Exotic!! Me likie.

I asked the teacher if I could go to the bathroom and she said yes. I knew she would. She has some crush on me. I think I'm just going to stick with my Alice, and Slinky and Rockmunchy as pets.

Running at Vampire Speed, I was two kilometres from the school in around thirty seconds. I HAVE SPEED! It took me five minutes to set up my plan.

Why do my plans always involve blowing up things? Skittles, chicken and now this? Wow I have a problem. Is there a mental issue for blowing stuff up? Like a pyromaniac lighting fires? I'm going to call it the Jaspermaniac. Just cause I want to feel loved more than Emmett. Not that that can't be easily achieved. MWAHAHA!

It was kinda hard to set it up though as Slinky kept getting in the way and then slinking away when I told him to stay put and Rockmunchy weighed down the rope! I had to put them in pen that I made just then cause I'm cool.

I made it to the cafeteria a minute after Lunch Period had started. Smiling, I waited for my devious plan. A few minutes left of Lunch a loud bang was heard two kilometres away from the school. Anything related to me? Wink wink nudge nudge.

Suddenly Emmett jumped out of his seat and curled up on the floor rocking.

"IT'S A METEOR. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! NOOOO THE HORROR!! SAVE YOURSELVES!!" He yelled... actually, to be frank, he screamed like a girl.

"EMMETT. GET UP NOW!" Rosalie yelled. Immediately he obeyed. Like a dog... Man he is sooo whipped and on a leash.

Emmett looked up. "I'M ALIVE!!" Stopping abruptly he noticed the whole cafeteria staring at me.

He turned his head and saw Bella laughing at him.

"STOP LOOKING AT ME SWAN!" He shouted to Bella. **(A/N: Couldn't resist quoting Billy Madison. It fits in perfectly as Bella's last name.)**

The bell protruded a second later and students started filing out of the cafeteria.

"Gee Emmett. Did you really think that it was a meteor? If it was we would have been dead." Edward stated.

_MWAHAHAHA how come no one at the school wonders who did it?_ I thought.

"Excellent work Jasper," Edward replied to my thought. Aha. Damn. MONKEY!

EmPOV

Well... I feel unbelievably and inhumanly bored. I think I may have a mental problem... Jasper's little evil plan was fun! Even though I didn't know that it wasn't real. I really did think it was a meteor coming to kill us all!!

How was I supposed to know that we would usually get more warning then that... and if the meteor had already hit we would have all been squashed like little buggies that fly into the windshield of my car... I NAME THEM ALL!

Jasper was trying to scare the living daylights out of me... wow... kind of ironic about 'LIVING" daylights as I'm not really living... or am I. It is high time that I got my revenge on everyone and the world. The world especially seeing as it never ends. It's just a circle!

So I shall put a stop to it's neverendingness by making the world... A RECTANGLE!! O.o let's see it get out of that!

I plan to do something exciting and amusing!! Good shall come out of my fun this afternoon. Though to be fair... I always think good comes out of everything I do... I don't know why the others always beg to differ. I mean they literally beg! Are they dogs? I like puppies... they're soo fluffy!! Damn now I want a puppy to pet and this time I won't eat it like the last one... and I won't let Jasper eat it like he did to the last puppy I had the time before the puppy that I ate and then the one that mysteriously ran away. OMG that was confusing. I can't keep track of all the puppies I've had. **(A/N: Again... still against Animal Cruelty)**

Then I thought of something. YES EDWARD. I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING!! On the way back from school... I noticed something. On nearly every front lawn I saw old furniture and supposed 'old rubbishy crap' that people didn't want anymore.

That doesn't mean vampires don't want it. I'M GOING TO COLLECT COUCHES!! There's a spot where I can stash them until there is enough for my very own Couch Army! To defeat the world with old, dusty couches of DOOM!

Running to the Garage, I remembered my keys. Ah shit. I want my couches! This is not fair!

"Mummy... why isn't life fair?" I quietly asked, not expecting an answer.

"It's because you're Emmett, dear." Esme yelled back. Well... that explains it... ... HEY!!

Finally I was on the road with a Moving Van. Man, I'm going to look sooo cool rocking up in front of people's houses, stealing their couches and then driving away again. I shall evil laugh like a maniac really really loudly whilst driving away too.

I skidded the Van to a halt outside the first house I saw with a black leather couch... still in mint condition if I may say so myself. Minus the... erh... cushion missing, white paint on the back and claw marks on the arm bit of it.

This big, black couch shall be the leader of all the couches. Making sure none of the others step out of line and rip the material out of each other. Picking it up with one hand, wooh I'm strong, I noticed the blinds of the curtains moving. O.o want to see a bit of my charm them eh? All you gotta do is ask. Ask baby ask!

I put the Leader of the Army into the the Vann and went back to the front lawn in my sexy walk... dun dun dun dun... WOOH! Positioning myself, I breathed in... and didn't release cause I didn't HAVE to. Mwahaha. Taking a step forward, I thrust out my chest and bobbed my head!

I am a pigeon!! Doing the Pigeon Walk!! Lalalala... Repeating the process of walking like a pigeon and throwing my head and chest out, I crossed the lawn of the random stranger's house 48 times before I heard footsteps coming to the front door.

Better run so they don't come out and harass me for more because I'm too god damn irrestistable.

After another 3 couch snatchings... I found something that like totally caught my eye near a couch.

GUYLINER!! Eyeliner for Guys! OMG this colour will so totally go with my complexion and make me even more pretty, sexy and irrestistable. Man I'm soooo HOT!! Rose is going to be begging me to come back into the bedroom.

As I was walking onto another lawn that had a moldy green coloured couch, the front door of the house burst open to reveal an old man limping down the pork stiairs... Oh My God... HE'S GONNA KILL ME WITH HIS OLDINESS!!

"Get off my lawn you young whipper snapper!" He yelled whilst shaking his walking stick in the air.

"I'm just here for your old couch. Please don't kill me!!" I can't die. I have so many things I want to do... Celebrate Emmett Cullen day when I take over the world, fuse peanut butter and cheese together and rotate the sun mechanism so that the world will not be sunny in the way that it is now! That was just the start of the list!

"That is not my couch!" He retorted. Old man is feisty.. I like it! Wait... who's couch was it then? "It's the GYPSIES!!" He yelled and hobbled inside his door. Man, he's weirder than me! That's saying something seeing as I'm the king of all weirdness things.

The next house I had a question that I really wanted asking. The question confuses me so and I really want to know what it's asking. I've spent the last week straight trying to solve it but I JUST CAN'T. IT WON'T LET ME! IT HATES ME! WHY?!

After stolling the red fluffy couch into the van I skipped to the front door and knocked on the door.

A little cute five year old girl answered the door. Awh I wanted to keep her. Rose would love that. This time I couldnt' see the mother so I may be able to get away with it unlike last time.

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked. I want to know what it meant!

Without waiting for a reply I launched straight into it,

"If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring does? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?"** (A/N: That took me 5 minutes to type out and make sure it was spelt write and everything. I eventually got what it was asking after reading it 20 times last night. See if you get it too.)**

The little girl looked scared and then ran away from me and slammed the door.

"NO!! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!!" Ah the agony! Oh... come on.

I give up on the question... for now. After stopping at fifteen other couch pit stops I decided to head home. I was getting tired. MWAHAHA tired. I had accumulated 31 couches in total and I'm so excited to start my Army!

At home I stocked all of my beautiful couches in the secret location that only I can find when suddenly Alice burst in. WHAT?!

"Emmett, have you seen that new spectacular designer top I bought yesterday?" I wasn't going to tell her that I used it for that thing that shall remain unmentionable.

"What? How did you get into my secret location?"

"It's the garage Emmett. There isn't nothing secret about it."

"YOU SPY!" I yelled.

Five minutes later, Alice had sent Rosalie down. I perked up thinking that I may have been saved to the bedroom.

"Hey Rose baby. We have a Couch Army to guard us from anyone entering our bedroom whilst we are... busy."

"Emmett. For the last time. NO I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU!" Rose stormed off.

"It's okay my precious couches! Time for battle training. PAIR UP. LEADER YOU'RE WITH ME!"

**Now seeing as I'm ditching Drama for you guys… review me for my thought for getting a chapter out for you… did that make sense? I'M HUNGRY!! **

**Let's all go eat something…Thank you everyone in advance for reviewing and I shall reply to them all!! .. and yes, Rachael. Mwahaha you sent me ten reviews for the last chapter… what drugs were you taking Sunday night?**

**Hey Emma, EYE EYE!!**

**Preview of chapter eleven: **_"Emmett! Put that kid back where it belongs. We're in a hurry!"_


	11. Scavenger Hunt Mayem

**Chapter Eleven: Scavenger Hunt Mayhem**

**I'm back again. Did you all miss my INSANEAGE this past week? I keep forgetting the Disclaimer so here it is: I don't own Twilight and characters associated :(**

**I do accept Anonymous reviews. Even if you don't have an account on FanFiction you can still review. I currently have 9 FREAKING PROJECTS... so please review me because I'm putting them aside just to get this out for you faithful readers. So sorry for not updating. This chatper is the longest so far... so hope it helps to make it up to you all.**

**I would like to mention Rachael for giving me this idea, Briiittx xhc for helping me organise the Hunt, Lady Saruman for threatening me with Pandas for 7 hours to finish chapter 10 and to all those who reviewed last chapter. **

**In order: **_Lady Saruman_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_appriates_**, **_briiittx xhc_**, **_this.hostage.stuff.is.fun_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy,_ _Hawktalon. Of. Windclan_, _Rachael (for giving me 35 reviews!! Each under about 5 different names!)_ and _Naomi_

EPOV

You know... nothing interesting has happened this week. Unless you count Emmett eating absolutely everything in the fridge, running stark naked down the street and pretending he was a bird by making bird calls... his exact words, _"To see the little birdies chirp and twitch their tails."_

Satudays are becoming boring. Things get old and non-interesting. Yet again we need some fun!

Pacing in my bedroom...(it has a bed.Wooh!) I suddenly had the urge to drink coke...WTF? I don't drink... besides Animal Blood. But that's different... it's not made purposely for humans..

I need to quench my thirst. In a... a human way! Starting from my room, I went on a hunt down to the kitchen to scavenge some coke! We better have some or I'll just cry... metaphorically... or will I?

Wooh. I have an idea to pass the time away. It's been about a year now. Time for our annual SCAVENGER HUNT!! Dun dun dun.

"Excellent idea my repressed brother!" Alice yelled from the Living Room, "I'll round up the herd!"

"Alice... I'm not a cow! I'm a sheep. Bahhhhh.!" Emmett yelled from the roof... roof?

Yet again... the Cullen Clan and my beautiful Bella were seated in the Lounge Room awaiting my grand old plan of Mass Destruction!

"You know what we haven't had in a while?" I asked the family. "Freaking KIT-KATS!" Emmett screamed. "Emmett no. You had some this morning." Literally.. he is the weirdest vampire ever known. He ate an Original Kitkat, a Caramel Kit-Kat, Cookies and Cream Kit-Kat, Cookie Dough Kit-Kat, a Strawberry Kit-Kat and a Mint Kit-Kat. How many does he want?

"We haven't had... dun dun dun... OUR ANNUAL SCAVENGER HUNT!" I shouted.

"Oh yeah. Bring back the Hunt! I feel in the mood to go a-stealing stuff." Emmett stood up excitedly and knocked over the chair. "I didn't do it!" _Mwhahhaha but I did. Though they'll never know.. cause they're all blind. Edward I DIDN'T do it!_

"Moving on," Carlisle said. "WOOH let's have the Scavenger Hunt. This family needs it bad!"

_Stuff the family, I wanna make a really random list of things and then make them find them all. Hehe. _Hidden agenda there father dearest.

"Yes, hunting time hunting time! I want to bag myself a few deers!" Jasper jumped with glee and ran outside the front door.

"Ah Jasper. We're talking about a SCAVENGER hunt here!" Esme called after him. I heard Jazz's thoughts in my head just then. Song lyrics.

_Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? W hy does it always rain on me? Even when the sun is shining, I can't avoid the lightning. _AHAHA its funny cause it is raining outside!

Once Jasper came inside Carlisle started the order. "First off. The rules. One, there is no set time in which to complete the hunt. Two, ALL items and proof of activities are to be done and collected before returning home. Three, you have to do the hunt at human pace. Four, the team is to return together before you're declared 'finished'. Five, no direct and/or deliberate sabotage of the other team. Finally, six. Clothes ARE to be WORN... tht means YOU Emmett Cullen!"

"What did I do now?" Emmett whined. "Nothing... yet. It's what you did LAST time. Just precautions." Esme replied. "I'm going to my room for now!" He cried.

"AHEM!" Rosalie coughed, "You're STILL not allowed." Emmett huffed and sat in the corner.

Carlisle came back into the room with a list of items and activities for the hunt and called for silence. Taking a big unnecessary breathe he started reading.

"The items which are to be found are: A coconut from an actual coconut tree, a coachman, tiara, a live salmon, working security camera, welcome mat, a brown fluffy Llama, KFC neon sign, FOUR street signs, a mini-van and a mailbox." Wow Carlie baby sure went all out. (**A/N: Haha Edward called Carlisle 'Carlie Baby')**

"And the photos and activities you have to get are: A photo with a policeman, play hopscotch in Aisle 4 of the supermarket with a PERMANENT texta, a photo with a random person, sing The 'Final Countdown' by Queen in the section where all the clocks are in a hardware store as they are all about to strike 10pm. A photo of the other team without them knowing, do the Macarena in public, a photo of a strikingly good washing machine, phone number of someone you don't know, photo of one of your team members in an embarrassing situation and another team member running blindfolded through the mall."

_Oh golly gosh. I cannot wait!! This is going to be spectacular!! Bring on the washing machine! Baby... it can wash my clothes ALL the time. Wink Wink Washing Machine. _Gah! I shuddered. Emmett is planning to seduce a washing machine? How does that even work? Hang on... I don't wanna know. "AHH stop with the mental images Emmett!" I needed to distract myself from his...rather...disturbing thoughts.

"What about the teams Carlisle?" Bella asked. "I don't think I should partake in the hunt. My tendency to fall will only result in my team taking me to the Hospital. I do not want to weigh them down." I have to agree with my Bella there. She cannot get hurt... again.

"But... BUT who am I going to laugh at? I count on you to provide me with amusement." Emmett sulked. My response was simple... ... ... I growled.

"Moving on boys..." Carlisle interupted. _My god I need normal children. I may have to go and bite some more... hmmm I wonder..._ "I have decided on the teams. On one we will have Emmett, Jasper and Edward and on the other we have Rose, Alice and Esme. Men against women!"

RPOV

Well now. We are slooo going to own the boys. I mean... girls can multitask!! **(A/N: We so can. I full) on made cookies whilst talking on the phone and washing up. Try measuring out flour, beating the mixture etc. Yes Emma I was talking to you on the phone!)**

"Hahaha this is going to be easy man. Feel the wrath of Emmett Cullen. I'm going to win!"

Emmett yelled. Oh no he ain't. I'm so sure of it that I'm going to make a deal that will never go his way. "Emmett... if you, Jasper and Edward win. I will let you back into the bedroom." I battered my eyes. He isn't going to win.

"Time to head off. No one is allowed back until you have all items and proof of activities." Carlisle shouted. "COME ON GIRLS... LET'S GET CRACKING!" Esme shouted enthusiastically.

"Who said crack? Where's crack? I want CRACK!" Emmett came running back searching around the room. "No one has crack Emmett!" Alice yelled. Emmett pouted and fled back out the front door.

"Okay HUDDLE! What the boys probably haven't figured out is that we can get and do at least a third of the things on the Hunt List in the supermarket." Esme said slyly.

"Ah cunning mother. I like your style." Alice added. "Why thank you my dear. I practice on your father." Oh my god. What? "TMI mother dearest." I butted it.

"TALLY HO EVERYONE. TO WALMART" Alice cried. _Excellent,_ I thought whilst doing the Mr. Burns hand thing.

We arrived at Walmart in 30 minutes flat from Esme's fast driving. Surprised me really. I've hardly seen her drive... let alone at this speed! We could actually do quite a few things here. It was 9:52pm.

"To the Clock section!" Alice cried again.** (A/N: No idea if Walmart has one. Never been in one as I live in Australia. Our equivalent is KMART)**

You know... this is quite fun! We are so going to pwn the boys that I can see it now... or Alice can at least... cause she tells the future... I have my ravishing looks and Esme has her cunningness.

We managed to get a photo of a good looking washing machine, welcome mat, a tiara which I'm wearing, a mailbox, a photo of a random person and now to get a phone number of someone we do not know... which is hard considering the small town we live in!

"Rose... unsuspecting adolescent guy at two oclock." Alice whispered to me. I turned and surveyed the situation. "Mission accepted. I'm going in!" I replied and seductively started walking over to the teenager.

"Hey stud! Can I ask you for something?" I asked, batting my eyelashes. He's just mere putty in my porcelain hands. "Ah... w...wh...what do you want from me? He stuttered.

"I was wondering if I could have your phone number... for future references." I said pulling up my leg. "S...sure." He wrote it down on my ankle. I started to walk away but then turned around and winked. Alice and Esme were ROFLTAO (Rolling on floor laughing their ass' off.)

Next we decided to play hopscotch. It was 10:30pm and Walmart was soon going to close at 11pm.

We grabbed a pink permanent texta to Alice's request from the stationery aisle and hurried to Aisle 4 which was annoyingly located at the other side of the store.

Esme hastingly drew the hopscotch squares. We didn't have much time before someone would come around to clean the floors. After drawing 10 squares, Esme stopped and we each started to play. I went first as Alice took the photo as evidence on our adventure.

We heard movement, due to our vampire hearing, coming towards the aisle. DAMN. We forgot that shops nowadays had security cameras. Stupid advancing technology and leading to Global Warming of the Earth and the Polarcaps melting with rising sealevels. GAH!

Alice, Esme and I quickly fled out of Walmart without getting caught.

"Solid effort girlies. HIGH-FIVE!" Esme laughed. Is our mother high on something? I've never seen her like this... well i have once but ... don't go there.

"AH but we forgot to get a working security camera!" Alice said. Esme smiled in response and started fishing into her handbag. "You girls may have forgotten but I didn't." Esme pulled out security camera. "I swiped it from Aisle 10 whilst you two were getting a welcome mat."

"Hurray Esme. The boys are going to die! Metaphorically speaking!" Alice jumped up and down.

"Time to steal street signs ladies." I reminded them.

CPOV

It has been around an hour and a half since the two teams have left. The house is relatively QUIET!! Can you believe it? Neither can I? WOOH I am so doing my happy dance. It hasn't been this quiet since when we first moved here and everyone was unpacking and scoping the surroundings out.

"Carlisle how long do you think they will be gone for?" Bella asked me. We were in the Lounge Room chilling out basking in freedom... oh that and watching Funniest Home Videos.

"Hopefully NEVER!" I replied. MWHAHAHAAH.

"MWAHAHA" Bella said. Dang girl. Same wave-length we have going.

"I think I may go get something to eat." Bella left the room to go to the Kitchen. I wish Bella was my daughter... well she practically is but I wish it was just me, her and Esme sometimes. She's soo much normaler than Emmett. Everyone's more normal than Emmett though. Though being vampires isn't considered normal... but meh. We're still people too! We have feelings!

I decided to see how Bella was doing, if she had managed to not hurt herself or the objects in the kitchen. Instead I found myself watching her see how many skittles she can fit in her mouth.

When did we buy skittles? God I take it back about Bella being relatively normal. She just spat them out all over the floor! "WOOH look a rainbow!" Bella pointed to the skittles and giggled.

Oh my... "Do you want to play a cardgame Bella?" I asked. OMG I sooo wanna play SNAP!

"HELL YEAH! SNAP!" Bella said. Again... same wavelength... she truly is a perfect daughter. Cue sigh.

After a few minutes we had found a pack of cards... they had Mountain Lion patterns on the back of them. Hehehe lion. Now I was dealing them out carefully after taking out the Jokers. I don't like their joking demeanour. Gah to them and mocking me!

We played for 24 minutes and already I was winning. Wooh man I love playing SNAP though no one ever wants to anymore. It's like they just gave up on the old fashioned card playing. I don't even know if we had cards in my days. If so it was just leaves with etchings on them like the Hobos outside the house play with. Though one is missing as of recent... JASPER!!

Just then we were down to our last few cards each when Bella snapped and won the majority of the pile. NOOO! "I was winning. The pain. The horror." I sulked and laid down on the ground.

"Awh Carlisle got owned by a girl thats a few hundred years younger. How do you feel?" Bella taunted. "I feel depressed," I stated, "We better go set up our desks, notes and laptops to look business like for the Scavenger Hunt when the teams arrive home."

"Alrighty... race you to the stairs. At human pace!" Bella laughed.

EmPOV

Love is in the air... dun dun. Actually there is no love... just oxygen. Oxygen in the air... dun dun. Wow I am soo creative. Oh and my team is sooo going to win the Scavenger Hunt. We were going smoothly and quickly. Edward even said that I'm going reasonable... despite the fact that I ate the Welcome Mat and we had to go back inside and get another one. Gee... it looked like wheat... How am I supposed to know that it was straw woven together? I don't do that stuff. It DID taste alright though.

Man I'm physced. We had found about a dozen things... or a Baker's dozen. We just came out of the shop after taking a photo of a fetching Washing Machine. Argh how it looked good. All white and sparkly... like me. I sparkle too! We would get along like a house on fire. Too bad Edward won't let me yoink the beauty and put her in the trunk. She'll fit. I'll make her... like TETRIS!

But he said no. His words exactly, "Emmett we're not freaking taking a Washing Machine home because you think that it's sparkly and the ultimate sex WASHING machine. Damn you. Leave my Silver Shiny Volvo in one piece!" Yep... so harsh words. Though, little does he know that I am returning back tomorrow to buy... well steal... that machine and placing it with my army of couches. One's army can never be big enough!

And now we decided to steal the four street signs needed seeing as we're always driving past them. I was still sulking from being dragged away from that beauty as I didn't have Jasper to socialise with. He was outside running with the Llama that we had 'found'. God I love Llamas.. They're so fluffy and fluffy. Mwahahah I want to ride one soon. Why is Jasper trusted with an animal? It has blood in it! I think. Though who could eat it? Well.. I could but meh. Hahaha we Grand Theft Llamaed. Ah man I'm soo writing this night down in my diary. The good times... the good times.

Edward pulled over on a curb. "Emmett. You grab the street sign 100 metres to your left. I'll get the two that are to the right and Jasper is out getting the sign to the North of us at the top of the street. Now behave and actually GRAB the sign. Don't stare at it... or anything for that matter." Edward laid down the rules. Haha laid. He needs someone to lay the rules to him if you get what I mean. Wink wink Nudge nudge. "Oh shut up Emmett. You can talk! All thoughts and no action in two months... WOW!! OMG!" Stupid sarcastic shiny volvo owner.

It has taken me about a minute to walk down to the sign. Well I'm sorry if there was a VERY green blade of grass! It was just sooo green. Heheh it now resides in my pocket where it shall stay forever! ... until my pants go through that sexy, shiny Washing Machine that I will get one day.

I had reached the sign and taken it down when I heard a little voice. "Big scary man. Why are you taking down the street sign?" It was a little girl in a pink frilly nightie. Awh cute. Rose would want it! "I'm the technician. Testing street lights for their... street worthyness?" I replied. YES to see if they can live up the the street standards.

"Where do you live?" I asked. "I don't talk to strangers Mr. Man." She replied. Awh again cuter. Rose. Wants. Her! "Don't worry. You and me won't be strangers for much longer. Do you like peanut butter and cheese? You better!" I leapt and grabbed her in my grasp. WOOH even if we lose... which we won't. Rose will let me back! I bought her a present. GUM... oh and the cute little girl.

Hearing car brakes, I turned and saw. "Emmett! Put that kid back where it belongs. We're in a hurry!" Edward yelled from the drivers seat of the Volvo.

"Oh Blast!" I shouted, placed the kid on the ground and ran to the passenger seat. Remember where she lives, I thought. I have the street sign to remind me! You'll never get away my pretty!

EsPOV

We are close to finishing... we are close to finishing. Rose, Alice and I were doing our happy dance as we had completed our last activity on the List. Stealing the four street signs!! Dun dun. WE are going to kick arse! Yes... I swore. But totally worth it! Carlisle is going to be proud of his wife. I'm even going to cook a celebration dinner! And then Emmett and Bella can eat it all!

It was just me and Alice in the car. Rose had ridden the Llama home about 10 minutes ago. Can you believe we actually found one at the Zoo? Neither can I? But... WE DID! This has to be the best night of my life... besides last week with Carlisle when the rest were hunting. It involved apples, rope and cinnamon!

I could see the lights beaming from the house about a few hundred metres away. That's what vampire sight can do! I see the bright light! Time to speed things up. I sped up to 130km/h on the gas pedal down the driveway and skidded to a halt.

"EVERYONE ACTION STATIONS!" I ordered. Mother shouting mother orders.

Alice and I gathered the items from the boot of the car and ran inside to see Rose with the Llama feeding it lettuce... eh? Do llamas eat lettuce? (A/N: Do they? They do now!)

We hurried to where Carlisle and Bella had set up a desk with a laptop, pieces of BLANK paper, pens and a pink paperclip that Alice was now wearing as a hair clip.

"O.o stylish gurl!" I said to her. "I know right. I'm a genius!" My daughter replied.

"Well you're whole team is here first so we might as well go through the items and photos for evidence." Carlisle said. Breaking up our girl chat. Stupid OLD vampire husband!

We had just finished going through the items and photos when Edward burst into the front door.

"Never fear mummy dear! Edward is here!" That boy has problems. I fell ashamed. Need. To. Cook.

Finally, after Emmett had sulked to Carlisle about the Washing Machine he saw, Carlisle announced the winner!

"And the winner is...ALICE, ESME AND ROSALIE!" We won!

"WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON WE WON!" Rose shouted doing our happy dance on the table!

"Awh... come on!" Emmett sulked.

"Looks like you're out of the room still darling husband of mine!" Rose taunted.

**A/N: How did you like this chapter? Would you have rathered Emmett, Jasper and Edward win? I know the ending was rushed. I had to post for you people and I also have to do history speech. Give me motivation. I have 9 assignments due in 3 weeks at the most!**

**Tell me in a review... hehe. I shall give you cookies and skittles if you do. I make great cookies don't I Rach? YOURS!! If that doesn't appease you then if you review I shall reply back giving you the Chapter Title and a few more quotes from chapter 12.**

**Hehe sorry about my A/N interuption at the start of Rose's POV. Just had to add it. I'm a ltitle high on skittles. Review or face**_ Klutzygirl34's_** and my TASCVA and TASCKA!**

**Preview for Chapter 12: **_"Alice, why am I covered in feathers?"_

**Mwahaha had to add some BD quote mixed in there.**


	12. Party weirdly?

**Chapter Twelve: Party...weirdly?**

**A/N: Well... well. I'm back again. Another week passed. Only 4 weeks left to the holidays and only 7 projects left to do as I had 2 due this week. This chapter is a little weird... most chapters are, but I love being random. Thank you everyone for reviewing, reading, alerting, faves and hits. Disclaimer: Dang I wish I owned the rights for the Twilight Saga but sadly I don't. Thus then Edward would be mine! ALL MINE!**

**It means quite a bit to me that people around the world enjoy my story.**

**I have a couple of questions... how do you become a beta reader and would you suggest me to get one to help me with 'Bored of Eternity'?**

**Thank you again for everyone who's been reviewing like every chapter and those who reviewed last chapter. In order: **_Lady Saruman_**, **_twilightxfanx_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_Hawktalon.of.Windclan_**, **_Terrie_**, **_Lydia_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Rachael_** (long review there evil monkey), **_this.hostage.stuff.is.fun_**, **_briiittx xhc,__Fitzy-Loves-Footy_** and **_Fang (Amanda)._

**EDIT: SORRY ABOUT REPLACING CHAPTER 12. I MADE A MISTAKE IN EMMETT'S NAME. THANKS TO LADY SARUMAN FOR TELLING ME!**

APOV

Hehe it's a Monday morning and we're all at home! YES! Dun dun dun, we all ditched school because we felt like it. Oh that and it's sunny but pish posh... we're still ditching! You know we really need to lighten the house up.

It's a little borrriiiinnnnggg... and I can't go out and shop, the internet is down, the television has no signal my mobile has no battery and Emmett stole the charger! _I feel like Bella... bad luck! _Edward... take a joke! I was only kidding... or was I? Oh... he's a mindreader. You gotta watch out for them.

We need to do something. Gee why does all of our days have to be spent like this? I WANT TO GO OUT AND BUY MORE PENCILS! You can never have enough pencils! There are sooo many kinds, colours and designs. My mouth is drooling over thinking about them. God I want pencils.

Hang on... give me a moment. Vision alert!...

...

Oh my jay. That looks like fun and it'll keep me occupied for this afternoon at least. Now to tell of my evil plan. Actually, it's Jasper's idea that he is going to share with us in a minute. Thus the vision of him making up his mind. I love him so. He's the quiet and random one. You also have to watch out for them as well as the mindreaders.

Everyone gathered in the Living Room. "Is there a reason why we keep meeting in the Living Room a lot?" Carlisle asked me. "Three times in like 12 chapters!" **(A/N: God I'm weird.)**

Wow... that was true. _Carlisle is picking up on something there,_ I thought. Must look into that. Maybe we should meet in the Garage next time?

"Moving on. Jasper here has something he would like to share," I interuppted.

"I do?" Jasper whispered to me. "Yes you're idea to keep us from being immensly immobile and bored today,' I replied.

"Oh right. MY EVIL PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION!" Jasper yelled. Oh what? ?He has a plan for World Domination? The rest of the family stared at Jasper with their mouths wide open so that I could see their relatively sharp teeth. "Not that plan Jasper. The OTHER plan!" I told him.

"Oh... my plan to get rid of the sun!" He yelled again. "Nope!" I replied.

"Stealing all the mailboxes? Running with cows? Eating the all the Skittle Factories? Melting the PolarCaps?" I shook my head to every one of them. How many does he have?

Before he could open his mouth, releasing more evil plots, I yelled. "THE PLAN TO HAVE A WEIRD AND RANDOM PARTY!" "Hehe that one. You could have told me." Jasper smiled sheepishly. "Meh. I wanted to hear all the plan. Time to get on with the party! Now... I have all your costumes upstairs in my closet." I said. "That wasn't ALL of my plans," Jasper muttered to himself. Wow... I have an evil husband. Me like.

I rushed upstairs to my closet and grabbed all the outfits. **(A/N: All outfits mentioned are on my profile. Check them out. They're so random.)** Lucky that weird costume catalogue came a couple of months ago. I knew this stuff would come in handy.

"EVERYONE. STAY WHERE YOU ARE AND I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR COSTUMES ONE BY ONE." I ordered my family. Everyone followed. No one messes with Alice when she's organising clothes.

"Emmett you get to be something that you've wanted to be for a few days now. Too bad though seeing as you'll never be one but at least you can dress as one." I said pulling out a certain costume.

"OMFG A LLAMA COSTUME! I am soo wearing this every single day for the rest of my life! My dreams are coming true. To the bedroom!" Emmett shouted. I swear he is weird

"Ahem" Rose coughed, "No bedroom mister.' Yep... he's still not allowed in. It's soo funny. I laugh every morning as he attempts to sneak in and dress up in black like a spy humming the Mission Impossible theme.

Finally I had given everyone but Edward, their costumes. Everyone probably thinks I'm on drugs for what I had chosen for the family. Bella is going to be a flamingo, she went bright red when I said that. I don't know why but everyone shall BOW DOWN TO MY WRATH!

Jasper is going to be a toothbrush... the whole family cracked up laughing at Jasper, who in turn shouted ,"Damn you all! Wait until my plot to build the tallest tower comes true! Then we'll see who's laughing!" I honestly don't get how that is supposed to work but meh. I don't care, as long as Jasper is mine! Back off... young turtle!

I am going to be a lemon. Don't ask me why though. Emmett said it is because I'm sour and bitter but I'm not. Rose is the one that acts most like the lemon. I just love the costume cause it's bright yellow and reminds me of my beautiful Porshe. Rose's costume is a mini-dress made out of skittle wrappers. I found it on Ebay and sooo had to buy it. I mean... skittle wrappers! Carlisle is a giant playing card due to his love of SNAP. He was over the moon when I pulled it out of my hat... yes a hat. He started dancing around me singing, "I LOVE ALICE, I LOVE ALICE, SNAP, SNAP, SNAP!" Of course, everyone laughed, besides Emmett. He joined in on Carlisle's schnennigans.

Esme's would have to be the gorgeous costume out of the lot and the most normal one. It was a fairy costume. Don't ask me why, but it seems so un-Esme like that I had to see what she would be like in it. Carlisle would thank me though. I can already see what he is planning to do tonight... mental image... need soap to wash my brain!

This just left Edward's. Do you know how many times I had to recite the 'Happy Little Vegemite' song in my head? Gosh it's soo hard. I'm going to need to shop for 2 days straight to calm me.

IT'S BEEN 5 HOURS SINCE I HAVE SHOPPED!

"Edward are you ready for the grand release of your costume?" I asked. "Just hand it over Alice." Edward said in a monotone. I lifted the costume out from under the blanket.

"HOLY COW! I WANT ONE!" Emmett cried. Edward just stood there with a _WTF_ expression on

his face. "Alice... it's freaking Dracular costume. What the hell?" Edward asked.

"Awh don't be made Eddie. I think it will suit you. The magenta will bring out the topaz in your eyes. Plus, it's so cool cause it is ironic because we're VAMPIRES! Oh and you have to wear the fangs." I stated

Edward didn't say anything. He just grabbed the costume and walked upstairs. EXCELLENT! Cue evil laugh. MWAHAHA.

Now to let the party begin. Lucky the Living Room had been cleared due to the family getting changed. This little family party will substitute for my not shopping. REVENGE of the card!

JPOV

Stupid everyone and their stupid making me stupid tell my stupid evil plans to take over the world. Stupid! On the other hand... I think my wife is doing some hard drugs. Quite possibly due to the fact that she hasn't shopped in a few hours and even though Carlisle has put a child proof lock onto his Medicine Cabinet, that only works for Emmett, Alice can still get in there.

Hell... Emmett can get in there too but he's weird and can't seem to get past the Lock even though he could just break the freaking lock off or rip the cabinet open with his brute strength. But it's Emmett... so Carlisle knew it would work.

Now back to the that weird party. I'm so excited. Though this toothbrush outfit is just a tad random and I find it... kinky. God I need a new life. Maybe a few hundred kilometres below the Earth's Crust?

"Everyone! Downstairs now! Party is beginning soon!" Time to face the music... literally. Alice has the Surround Sounds going at an almighty decibel, but alas, she can still project her voice louder than the volume of music.

I walked into the Living Room... again, and started laughing myself senseless. Partly because everyone's emotions are getting to me and the way the family looked. Edward was extremely funny in his Vampire attire. _Gee Edward, hate to exaggerate,_ I thought. He just stared at me and then I turned to see Emmett parade into the room. Picture a big and bulky Emmett prance into the room in a fluffy, white, Llama suit... this will never ever get old. Scratch the moving below to Earth, he's gonna be wearing that EVERY day. Can't... miss... laughing... at... him!

Alice stopped laughing and her face changed to that of a serious nature. "Okay, I cannot go shopping due to certain unforeseen obstacles, coughEmmettcough, so we're having this random party. Who wants to play a game?"

There was a chorus of "YES'!" and then one certain voice, "SNAP!" which came from Carlisle.

This is gonna be fun fun fun fun fun. Getting into the mood. "Carlisle, we're not playing SNAP. Maybe later but first we're going to play with the Pinata. I had it made with very durable materials so it wouldn't break straight away due to our ultimate strength," Alice said.

Emmett sighed and then he randomly burst out to me, "I'm gonna pound you like yesterday's beef!"

Wow... "Oh really? You don't intimidate me," I replied. "Oh don't I?" Emmett said...with a hint of seduceiveness. (A/N: Don't think thats an actual word.) Oh god... that isn't going to work.

"DUDE, YOU'RE IN A FLUFFY LLAMA SUIT FOR STARTERS!" I sprang back.

"You can talk... Mr. Toothbrush." He replied. Shattered sense of not being loved. "Stop hurting my feelings!" I cried and the next second I felt myself being raised into the air. "Emmett, what the hell? Jasper IS NOT THE PINATA! Put him down and step away," Esme ordered us and Emmett dropped me. It was kind of hard to defy your mother in a freaking fairy outfit.

Bella was laughing hysterically in the corner at us. "What are you laughing at?' Alice asked her.

"Its... it's just SO funny. I'm sitting here watching a Llama l... lift a giant Toothbrush. I mean... come on." She replied. Oh she thinks this is funny does she? I have enough strength now to control my bloodlust for five minutes as I picked her up and spun her around the room and then dropped her back on the couch. Score: 1 for Jasper, 0 for Bloodlust. Take that!

Then all we heard was Bella shouting, "Alice why am I covered in feathers?" Bella was now covered in pink and black feathers over her flamingo costume. "Because... this is a weird party and you NEED feathers on you. Now STAY STILL!" Alice ordered. Bossy wife again... multiple personalities. Geez I like it when she does that.

After an hour and a half of random games, Bella and Edward had gone to the kitchen so Bella could have some dinner. This party is going to drag on into the night the way it's going but no one really seemed to mind. It's quite fun. Esme actually won with pinata. Man, she's got strength and aim. Good mother. Remind me to never get on her bad side. Gotta watch out for Esme.

"Time for the model runway! You have to model off your costumes for the family!" Alice told everyone. We all had to agree. She has this glint in her eyes that tells me that if we don't, we may not be here tomorrow.

EmPOV

Modelling time? O.o I'm soo exciting. I can show off my excellent moves on the CatWalk. Emmett the Llama will never be forgotten after tonight... because I'll be wearing the costume continuously.

"Everyone. Decide what order you'll be going in!" Alice yelled again. Maybe I shouldn't have stolen her mobile charger, credit card, wallet and car keys. But it's so fun thtough. I was making an abstract minature structure out of them. The car keys were on the top of the pile.

"I WANT TO GO LAST SO EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER ME!" I yelled. "Emmett, it's just a tad to hard to not remember you when you're so big and do the most weirdest things," Rose replied back to me. Awh she replied back to me... maybe...just maybe, I'll be allowed back into the bedroom again! **(A/N: Should Rose let him back in the bedroom in the next chapter?) **The order had been decided finally. I was getting a little impatient and had to find some marshmallows to eat because Rose's dress was making me hungry but we have no skittles. Insert pouting face here.

The order of walking on the long strip of stage... WE HAVE A STAGE IN OUR LIVING ROOM!... was Bells, Jazzy, Eddie, Rose baby, Carlisle, Esme, Alice and then the almighty me.

Alice started to play some random model music and I could feel a vibe coming on... Emmett's vibe! You know what would help me right now? DRUGS!! Though I cannot gain access to the Medicine Cabinet... stupid stupid lock!

Bella was up first and she almost fell like 4 times before Edward caught her each time. I wish I had some popcorn. I laughed loudly at Jasper's and Edward's turns were up. A freaking toothbrush and vampire! Though I must get meself one of those vampire attires... it reminds me of the day we had the duels... ah good times. I'M SOO HIGH ON HIGHNESS!

Rose came on in that short skittle dress! My god... I had to wolf whistle... and she gave me a glare... then winked! SCORE! I'm soo in soon. I got up and started doing my happpy dance and missed Carlisle's and Esme's modelling but I that didn't bother me cause I did not want to see my mother and father on the runway strutting their stuff... or did I? I would prefer peanut butter and a washing machine.

After Alice did professional walking down the walk it was my turn! I was going to make my walk insane and weird! For this is a weird party! I hopped onto the stage and prepared myself. A few stretches and flexes. I am soo going to beat them all! Even if this isn't a competition.

You know what I just figured out? I freaking want some cheese! Now for my debut.

I hopped out into the spotlight...spotlight? I started my walk with the Egyptian walk, then the monkey walk, chicken walk came next and then I did a handstand! That was only on the way out to the end. I had everyone speechless... except for Bella because she was laughing. That's right everyone. BOW DOWN TO MY WRATH THIS TIME! On the way back I flexed my muscles even though I was wearing a llama suit, I neighed like a horsie and galloped back. God I am soo cool that I'm cold. Ending my walk with a "BAHHHHHHHHH!" like a sheep.

Everyone was quite for five minutes. Still speechless? Oh Emmett McCarty Cullen is the ultimate sex bomb! That reminds me. I wanna sing. "SEX BOMB SEX BOMB YOU'RE MY SEX BOMB!"

That seemed to snap everyone back to the world of living. Hahaha... world of living We can't technically 'live' again.

"Again... nice... erh walk Emmett. Let's just dance the night away." Alice suggested whilst turning up the music louder.

CPOV

Today seems to have been blindingly eventful. This party is all Alice's fault... well party Jasper's seeing as he had the idea. My family has just seem to have gotten worse then what it was yesterday. Jasper has now made it to the ranks of insanely evil. Now that makes it to a shopaholic, repressed, stupid, stuck-up, insanely evil, blushing and beautiful family. Guess who the beautiful is? ESME!!

Though I have to hand it to Alice, I like what Esme is wearing. Hint Hint.

I'm upset that we didn't get to play SNAP!! I was soo looking forward to it. No one wants to play with me. It's just not fair! It's getting close to 11pm now and we're dancing to the LOUD music. At least there are no neighbours around to complain. Jasper would possibly eat them if he did but he actually touched Bella tonight. Major breakthrough. I feel proud... though he is still evil!

On much more pressing matters, what the hell am I going to do with Emmett. He really does need to go into a mental facility. He's actually pretending to be a Llama now. My, he has such a problem. I always complain but I can't help it. He's just TOO weird. I've had to child proof the Medicine Cabinet. Maybe I should...

Oh shit! Alice has now put 'Barbie Girl' on. We... must... tie... Emmett... down. He isn't supposed to hear this song again after LAST time. He thought he was Ken and started seducing Rose, who looks like Barbie. Rosalie got offended but they... erh... quickly... got over their little tiff. If you get what I'm trying to say. I can't bear his singing again. This is an outrage!

MPOV (yes Mike)

Gosh I wish I had Bella as mine. Otherwise we would be occupying my room at this present moment and I wouldn't be bored. Who could be bored with Bella? Oh the possibilities are endless. I have a plan! I knew that Bella would be over at Cullen's again. Stupid Edward and his stupid hogging of Bella. SHE"S MINE! I feel the need for some stalking time. I am not a stalker just the best admirer of all.

Just because I have mutiple photos of Bella, a lock of her hair from when she first moved here, a pair of her underwear, a tissue she used when she was crying one day and a letter addressed to her from her mother does not mean that I am a stalker! Just deeply passionate about the ONE of my life.

I'm going to go to the Cullen's house now and watch her through the windows! I grabbed my car keys and skipped to the front door. "Mum I'm going to stalk Bella!" I yelled. "Okay, be back before sunrise," she replied. It takes 14 minutes, 38 seconds and 50 miliseconds to get to the start of the Cullen's driveway. I timed it the first time I stalked Bella here. Amazingly I have never really gotten caught **(A/N: Thats cause Edward is at Bella's when Mike 'visits' the Cullen's house.)** but Bella is never there. I just usually spend the night watching Rosalie and Emmett doing stuff in their bedroom. God that Rosalie chick is also hot.

This time I'm in luck. The whole Cullen family is here... dressed in weird costumes. Bella is in a sexy flamingo outfit. I'd LOVE to see what's under that. Rose had the shortest dress on made out of skittle wrappers... KINKY! Gosh. Alice was a lemon! I'd love to lemon her and the mother... WOW skimpy fairy! Only the girls were in what appears to be the Living Room until the Cullen men walk in.

I checked out all the guys. Jasper by far is the best looking. A toothbrush... eh?... I'd love for him to brush me clean. Just as I thought that thought, Cullen looked at the direction I was at. He's dressed as a vampire? Wow... manly! I better disappear quickly before he spotls me.

Running down the driveway I heard Cullen chuckling. Damn him. He'd better not be doing anything to Bella.

**A/N: You see that '**_submit a review_**' box just below?... click it and brighten up my day! Send some insane quote or joke or something that I could use for future chapters. **

**Oh and I need to ask... does anyone have any ideas for upcoming chapters? I was thinking a lovely trip to the Zoo for chapter 13? Anyone have any ideas for chapter 14 after I do chapter 13? Omg haha and I wanted to see if you can review your own story cause I was bored... and it let me! Haha how funny is that? I'm not going to review myself again tho. It's all up to you my faithful readers. Pictures of costumes are on profile! Please have a look at them.**

**Okay and another question: Should Rose let Emmett back into the bedroom soon?**

**Oh yes... review me and I'll reply back with the chapter title and two other quotes!**

**Preview for Chapter 13: **_"The bats are actually more intelligent."_


	13. Bats, Bears and Bananas

**Chapter Thirteen: Bats, Bears and Bananas**

**A/N: I have come to the conclusion that I am severely random and insane. Does anyone else agree with me? It is now down to 5 projects. I'm feeling a little more lighter now.**

**I am now a Beta Reader! Does anyone want me to Beta their story? Just send me a PM or review or even an email. I don't mind.**

**My insane Maths Buddy, Rachael would like to say a message: **

**Disclaimer: I OWN TWILIGHT! Just joking. I really don't own the Twilight Saga. **

**I also don't own the Children's show: Planet Sketch.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. In order: **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Lady Saruman_** (x7), **_kdscutie_**, **_briiittx xhc_**, **_Rachael_**__(spleen)_,_ **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_and this.hostage.stuff.is.fun_

**JPOV**

For once in my life, I am the one that is bored. It's usually Alice, Bella or Emmett. Sometimes all three as they seem to have linked minds. It's a conspiracy I tell you! They're after me too. Now it seems that they're on my tail and making me bored! I think boredness is a disease that we Cullens have. You know how many things I have done today to not be bored?

Well... I fulfilled my evil plan of taking over the grass in our backyard. They now bow down to me. I also watered the plants because Esme ordered me to. Otherwise I wouldn't get my pocket money and I want to buy this new bucket and spade duo set to make sandcastles with DIRT over the grass. Mwahahaha. Doing times tables isn't fun anymore. I learnt that ten times ten is a hundred. Which ruined my evil plan number 684. I always thought it equaled ninety eight.

Though I am absolute brizilience. Who was the one to subconsiously think up the idea about the costume part? ME!! Though during the process I let out a few of my top secret world domination plans which are secrets from everyone... save me and Edward because he reads minds because he thinks he is all that.

Hang on... another idea. You know where we haven't been for a while? THE ZOO! Not since 5 years ago when I had that little... accident involving the kangaroos and that person who feeds them. Don't go there. I'll never speak of it again.

Instead I called up the Cullen children as Carlisle and Esme left a little while ago on a picnic as romantic couples. Romantic Picnic my butt... Carlisle just wanted to seem like a normal man taking his normal wife out for a normal romantic lunch without his weird and wacky children. It's cloudy today but not raining.

"Alice! Emmett! Bella! Rose! Eddie poo!" I yelled out. After thirty seconds they came running into the bedroom which happens to be Alice's and mine. Much... much safer than Rose and Emmett's. Though Emmett hasn't been allowed in there for sooo long. I think Rose is planning to let him in soon but on a few conditions.

"Good job brother! Nice name for Edward here. I shall call him Eddie poo now!" Bella laughed and shook my hand all business like. YES!! Bloodlust 0, Jasper 2.

Edward sighed but didn't say anything. He is so whipped, with a cherry on top! I want cherries now.

"Let's go to the Zoo! Meet the animals... dance around the grass!" I suggested.

"Wooh! I want to meet the dinosaurs!" Emmett cried. No wonder Carlisle left.

"Emmett you moron. The dinosaurs died out around three and a half million years ago." Rose inputed.

"Yea three and a half million years ago last Tuesday the dinosaurs died out. There were many reasons for this." Bella said. "Bella, this isn't the time nor the place to quote Planet Sketch. It's not supposed to be mentioned in this house because..." Alice stated but was interupted by Emmett.

"OMC I love Planet Sketch. Here is just one of them. Number thirty seven point two..." Alice in turn interupted Emmett.

"... Emmett starts quoting continuously from it. Once he even wanted to sketch a planet so he can have his own Planet Sketch. Never again." My darling wife finished. She is right. He's worse then me.

"On with the Zoo plans everyone. It's nine am and the Zoo opens at ten am.We have to get amovin'." Edward said.

"Oh yes," I started to say. I shall get the rights to organise. I did think up this funness. Otherwise I'll get the grass onto everyone, "Alice, Rose and Bella shall go in Alice's car whilst Emmett, Edward and myself go in Edward's Volvo." Rubbing my fingers together after I finished. Silky smooth skin... hehe.

The girls got half an hour to get ready. Bella wanted to go straight away but Alice dragged her into the ensuite and I haven't seen them since. Just a few occasional screams from Bella about clothes and alsorts and then a scream of a reply from Alice. I'm glad I'm not a girl. Otherwise I'd get teased for having 'Jasper' as a name. Though I do love the name "Jaspina'. It has a certain 'Jasper' sense to it.

Finally we got into the cars. Yay! Zoo here we come! It only took around forty minutes to Port Angeles, instead of the usual NORMAL HUMAN hour, with Alice's and Edward's driving skills. Even though we were around 50 metres in front of Alice, I could hear Bella yell at her to slow down abit. Edward was in a state of confusement. Wondering if he should slow down or keep going the speed he is or whether to run out of the car and save Bella or ignore her pleas to Alice or do the Cousin Jim Hobo dance. It really was confusing. I'm kind of scared and confused.

Arriving at the Zoo I found that it was already open and the line was long. Time to call in re-inforcements. Rosalie went to the front of line and seduced a middle aged man with his wife and three children to let us in front. Emmett was fuming but it did give him a chance to see the Meerkats as soon as possible.

After paying the unseemingly expensive amount of sixty nine dollars for six HUMANS, haha or so they think we're humans, we entered the Zoo to be surrounded by people. Must... not... give... in... to... bloodlust. I'm winning! Emmett had already run off to the Meerkats down the north side of the Zoo with Rosalie following him. I can sense the lust. Four months without IT can get tiring. Even Carlisle hasn't gone that long. Oh god... shudder.

Edward was taking Bella to see the White Lions. This Zoo didn't have Mountain Lions so Eddie settled for the next best thing. Now it was just me and Alice. Until that is, I saw the Souvenior shop. Weird as it seems, I'm itching to buy stuff from there. See I tell you... now a conspiracy of Alice's to turn me into a shopping freak! Like I'm gay or something. A guy that likes shopping for tid-bits such as Slinky.**(A/N: I now have a picture of Slinky on my profile.)** He even has a shrine at home!

Looking through the shop guess what I found? A FLUFFY DEER PEN! It's the best damn thing... besides Alice of course. Imagine a pen that is a light brown with a fluffy deer's head on top and it bobs up and down! This can keep me so amused. No being bored again for a while. Either that or being amused by watching a lone pea on the Dining Table slowly thawing in the sun when the sun decides to be mean to vampires and come out.

Alice had to drag me out of the Souvenior shop. That is a first... Oh god. Does that mean that I am now Alice and Alice is now me? Better pull out some of those dresses in my closet to air before I wear them.

**CPOV**

I'm glad Esme and I escaped from the house today. Those children really need counselling I think. Always quarrilling and acting plain weird. Even the deluded patients that I treat at the hospital don't fight over who's turn it is to break into my Medicine Cabinet for the drugs. I don't really keep the powerful drugs at home anymore. Bad experiences.

It's a nice cloudy day. Not sunny nor rainy. Perfect weather for a vampire man to take out his beautiful vampire wife. Though the weird thing is that we don't have to pack a stupid picnic basket full of lunch but for some reason we did. Just to keep the human charade up I think. Picnic basket in hand, we skipped down the driveway into the car.

"Yummy yummy yummy I got food in my tummy," I sang.

"You don't honey," Esme replied.

If we have a retarded family then why not skip? Let the wind in your hair. We drove to our favourite picnic spot. A quiet park with a lake in the middle. Only a few other people were there with their children and one family had a dog that the kids were playing fetch with. The werewolves down at La Push should follow these dogs' examples. Fetch and be fed. Yep... I'm a doctor. I'm meant to be cruel. Mwahaha joking... I think.

You know what I think? Emmett needs to be back in the bedroom again. Thats it. He's a LITTLE less stupid and weirder when he has Rosalie to... occupy him. I know I keep coming back to this but geez, does Emmett ever act normal?

I am feeling very active at the present moment. I got an idea. "Esme, do you want to play frisbee?" I asked my wife. "Ah... yes. Though we have one small dilemma. We didn't bring a frisbee," she replied. "Oh didn't we?" I said slyly while pulling a frisbee out from behind me, "I am magical my dear. I sparkle in the sun! Yay!"

"Ohk honey. Are you doing your drugs this time? Don't forget... I sparkle too," Esme replied. Damn... she figured out my secret.

"Well... do you wanna have a sparkle off eh?" I challenged.

"It's cloudy Carlie. It has to be sunny in order for us to sparkle." Dang it. Maybe if I concentrate really hard I may still sparkle. "I knew that. I was just testing. Good thinking love. Thats why I changed and married you." Esme smirked, "You didn't have much of a choice. Either that or I would have REALLY died. You wouldn't have let that happen now would you?"

"Not to you dear... I should have rethought about Emmett though," I replied.

Whilst we were talking about sparkling, changing and all sorts, we didn't notice a family consisting of a man, woman and three children settle down near us. I can see that our little conversation would have seem a tad... weird to them. Ah... they can't hear us! They don't have ears! Dun dun dun.

"I think it may be time to get back home dear. We don't know what the children are up to. Plus... our bed is very comfortable I presume," I said seductively. That family is going to think we're a sex craved couple with a deranged family with dead, changing and sparkling involved.

"Good thinking. This time don't forget your stethoscope," Esme caught on.

**EmPOV**

Everyone had met up again in the middle of the Zoo so that we could all look around together. Alice had Jasper by the ear as he stroked a fluffy deer pen. I WANT ONE...! _I wonder if they have a fluffy bear pen,_ I thought. Bella was eating an icecream, Edward was just looking at Bella eating her icecream with a look of disguist... I think. _Hey Edward. Dude they taste nice. Don't mock the magnums! I love 'em,_ I thought. In reply he grimaced. Mwahaha he heard me.

I love Meerkats. I want to create an army of meerkats.They have character. Looking cute but they sure can scratch!

"Where do we all want to go now?" Alice asked no one in particular. Awkward silence followed until, I, the mighty Emmett, decided for everyone. "Let's go see the Vampire Bats! Yay!"

Edward and Alice looked at each other like they were communicating to each other with their visions and minds. O.o they're evil. Stupid mind abilities. Stick to the good ol' brute strength I say.

"Right said Fred. The Vampire Bat enclosure is east next to the Reptile Room," Alice said whilst studying the map of the zoo. Who needs a map? "Follow Emmett Cullen!" I yelled to my family.

"Hang on. Fred did not say right. You lie Alice. Fred just told me that he didn't." I said.

"Emmett... it's a saying. I hear Bella's dad say it all the time. Isn't that right Bella?" Alice said and Bella nodded, "Who the hell is Fred anyway Emmett? Oh god... not your imaginary friend is it?"

"Well... I needed someone to talk to at night. It gets lonely without Rose. Plus we have fun. I always win at Scrabble!" I retaliated.

"I do believe that the only reason that you win is because 'Fred' is a figment of your imagination Emmett," Edward said. Oh aren't we the gentleman.

"At least I don't speak like a gentlemen from the 1900s!" I retorted. Who the hell says, 'I do believe' anymore?

"Let's just go to the Vampire Bats," Rose chipped in with an annoyed tone. Okay... shut up Emmett. Let Rose boss you around.

Five minutes had past and we were at the Bats place. We would have been there in like 10 seconds if it wasn't for the large crowd and having to go at stupid human speed. I pushed through the crowd to get to the front of the cage to have a good inspection of the VAMPIRE bats.

"You know... we're alike... both being some form of VAMPIRE!" I told the bats. Edward and Bella gaped at me. I noticed that a few families had heard me. I can't deny it. It's true! Emmett Cullen never lies... well besides the other two hundred and thirty four times but meh.

"They actually don't have anything in common,"Alice told the families, "The bats are actually more intelligent." HEY!

"Hey I heard that. I can be smart and intelligent. Ask me a question that a person in Year 9 should know," I said. I am smart! I've been alive... well partially alive if you catch my drift... for around 80 something years. I forget now.

"Okay. What are the four oceans on the Earth called?" Edward asked. Hmm... good question.

"The Atlantic, Pacific, Indian... and the Emmett?" I said.

"Nope!" Alice cried, "You got the last wrong. Even a 9 year old could answer that."

Well... damn. I was like 9 years old ages ago! Bahhh who," I stated back, "What is the fourth ocean then huh? Edwardian ocean? Alicetarian ocean?"

"It's the Arctic ocean. Geez," Jasper replied sarcastically. Dang he's high!

"Next exhibit now," Rose said.

**EPOV**

It was getting a little late. The Zoo closes at six pm and it is currenty five pm. We've all had an eventful day. The Cullen clan and my lovely Bella are now in the Zoo Cafe which is funnily titled

'Bats, Bears and Bananas.' Jasper and Emmett were having an eat off involving hot dogs.

Emmett had scoffed 13 and Jasper had swallowed 12. It was becoming close. The lady at the HotDog Stand was eyeing us up suspisciously and having vivid thoughts about Emmett... and... yeah.

The two kept it up for another 15 minutes. It was now 5:15 and I wanted to get home. Rose was also formulating ideas in her head about letting Emmett back into the bedroom again. She was slowly coming to a decision. Emmett had eaten 34 and Jasper had eaten 31. It was kind of obvious that Emmett would no doubt win. They had five minutes left until we wanted to leave so we could be home by around six pm for Bella to have dinner.

"Come on! EAT EAT EAT EAT!" Bella cheered. She wasn't vouching for anyone but man... that ice-cream made her a little hyper. "Calm down! You shall get food soon," Alice said, "Very soon."

What did the little pixie mean?... Oh... Bella will eat considerably soon.

With one minute to go, Emmett had 3 hot dogs left and Jasper had 4. The object of the game was for the first person to eat all their 50 Hot Dogs would win.

Thirty seconds to go and finally Bella amused us. Emmett had one Hot Dog left and Jasper now has one Hot Dog left as well when Bella jumped up. "MINE!" She shouted as she stole Emmett's last hot dog and ate it in one go. Leaving Jasper as the prevailing winner!

Emmett will kind of never win much. Except at Scrabble with his imaginary 'Fred'. Rose was feeling sympathy thoughts for Emmett though. Here it goes.

"Emmett. It has been four months since you have seen or been in our bedroom. I have decided... that you can come back in! ON A FEW CONDITIONS THOUGH!" Emmett silently cheered though the HotDogs were going to come up in two hours. He was turning a light shade of green.

"You will never ever call me fat again or I will kill you. My clothes are mine and I will also never destroy them and neither shall you if you know what's good for you. I am the boss in this relationship. I wear the pants! And Most of all... I love you. Come here," Rose finished.

Okay... okay. Bad thoughts. "You guys can take Alice's car home. Though just drive in it okay!" Jasper said. With that... Alice, Jasper, Bella and I ran as fast as humanly possible from them. Four months is a lot of making up to do.

**Oh and I now have a Facebook. The link to my facebook should be on my profile here.**

**You can add me if you want. I only have 5 friends so far. Sad isn't it.**

**This is addressed to the Americans reading: How was your first days at school? **

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Chapter 13! WOOH. **

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	14. Toys R Emmett?

**Chapter Fourteen: Toys R Emmett?**

**Disclaimer: My name is Anita not Stephenie Meyer**

**It's down to 3 projects now! I'm so happy that I'm on ANOTHER sugar high (tho no surprise there) Rachael wants to say a message: **_hello! i'm rachael if u r a stalker by nature you may have notice a few reviews by me such as 'spleen' and 'random convo' well just for all those people who like to stalk people for fun i now have an account talk to so i feel loved oh and did u know that elephants can jump? _**This chapter is dedicated to **_Briiittx xhc_** for coming up with the idea.**

**I now have over 200 reviews. Thank you everyone. I have holidays in a couple of weeks time so I will be writing out chapters like there is no tomorrow because I will be bored so the quicker you want me to post them then the more you guys can review. My goal now is 217. Thats around 10. Only 10 loyal reviewers we can do this. HUDDLE!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter (In order): **_this.hostage.stuff.is.fun,__kdscutie,__klutzygirl34,__Fitzy-Loves-Footy,__Hawktalon. of. Windclan,__briiittx xhc,__Lady Saruman_**(x10), **_Rachael Clare_** (Rachael, check out her reviews to me, hilarious.)**

**EmPOV**

Another day to cross off on my calender. I kept all the calenders of each year that I've been a vampire for. They reside in a big stack in the attic because Rosie won't let me keep them in the room because she says they freak her out. It's not my fault I chose ones that had pictures of cute little kittens the size of an A3 piece of cardboard. Kittens are the bomb-digity. They're so fluffy and innocent... like me! I want a kitten now. I like my calenders big... the bigger the better. Double meaning implied.

I am finally allowed back into the bedroom. Although Rosalie won't let me call it 'OUR' bedroom. I have to call it 'THE' bedroom or 'HER' bedroom. None-the-less Emmett Cullen prevails... after puking my guts out from those hotdogs at The Zoo. Mmmm I feel like hotdogs now... must... eat... hotdogs.

Now onto more pressing matters... again. Time goes sooo slow that even Bella could beat it in a race along the beach with a calm, crystal clear ocean inhabiting things that live in the sea, like the Lock-Ness Monster. That reminds me. I must find and challenge the lock-ness monster to a duel.

Oh pause. You know what I really want? WINGS! I could fly about in the sky and laugh at the humans hurting themselves on the ground whilst I flutter, like a butterfly, in the sky, unharmed. No one suspects the butterfly. Pink and purple coloured wings with antennae. Wow... how gay do I sound? Keep it up. Freaking out people is fun fun fun. I need a new day job. Perhaps sewing?

Back to play function. Gotta find the remote... crap. Lost it! Here it is. Under the basket that had the clothes that Rosalie and I used last week on the second day of the second hour that I had been allowed back into THE bedroom on the second floor of the white Cullen mansion. Wooh that was a mouthful. I just felt like confusing myself. What did I just say?

Thus brings Emmett... I mean myself, to the conclusion that I, again, am bored. Oh my god. I'm going to speak in third person for the rest of the day! Success... though I need to do something fun to keep myself entertained as well as annoying the rents and siblings.

We all really need to find something that can entertain us for longer than a day. Rose still has me on probation which means that she cannot occupy me all the time. Which I might add, sucks terribly.

Even running outside is not fun. I once ran around in circles and I wore the ground away with my very own feet. It was funny because it was in a field and the people thought that it was some kind of new alien crop circle as I am an awesome circle runner and considering I didn't leave any tracks because I jumped a fair distance first and then started running at my strengthy vampire speed back home to do some SPEED drugs.

I would have but Carlisle doesnt' keep many drugs at home now. I cried when I found out that he didn't, even though I can't really cry. Or can I? I just dropped water on my face. Cunning Emmett makes a cunning discovery to fake cry using water! I am a genius... utter brizilience.** (A/N: Rachael and I made 'brizilience' up. It means brilliant intelligence.)**

Then Bella had an idea. I read her mind! Actually I just heard her yell but whatever.

"Hahahaha nyeahs. I have an idea!" Bella yelled. "Meet up in the garage. The Living Room is taped off because I'm sick of meeting in there," Carlisle yelled to us. _Onwards to the garage,_ I thought. _ONWARDS!_

I jumped to the Leader of all Couches and sat down beecause no one else is allowed to sit on the Leader save Emmett the Top Commander. "I have a dream... I want to go to..." I interupted Bella.

"_TOYS R US!_" I cried. Bella opened her mouth, closed it then opened it again and spoke, "I was going to say the Cheese Factory but _Toys R Us_ seems more fun!"

"Well... I have wanted to scope out was those Barbies wear to size them up," Alice added in thoughtfully. "Well you and the barbies are around the same size," I stated. Couldn't help myself. I am Emmett though. No excuses needed cause I'm just awesome.

"Shut up Emmett!" Alice growled as Jasper pinned her back from reaching me. That pixie can actually pack a punch. "Stop... I wanna go! Fight later toys now!" Bella yelled. Is she obsessed with toys? Oh no sister... I am more obsessed. Bouncy balls ahoy! Hot wheels!

"Emmett wants to go now too!" I cried. Edward stared at me. "Emmett why did you just refer to yourself as 'Emmett'?" he asked. "Gee Eddie-weddie you're supposed to be the mind-reader. Emmett decided to talk in third person because Emmett is the almighty Emmett. Stuff you anyway. First couple to the mall gets the best parking spot." I retaliated back.

We had reached the mall which housed the glorious _Toys R Us_. Rose and I were the first couple there because I drove like a male vampire on a mission. Thats because I am a male vampire on a mission. While Rose and I were waiting for the slow pokes we were getting intimate in the back seat. Brings me back this seat does... I could never get rid of my Jeep for a variety of reasons. The backseat being one of them.

Everyone FINALLY arrived. I wonder how fast I was going because Jasper and Alice who were second said that they were driving at 130 kilometres per hour and they were 10 minutes behind me. Edward and Bella arrived 4 minutes after Alice and Jazzman. Edward said it was because Bella made him drive no faster than 110 kilometres. Haha my butt... he just made up an excuse.

"Hey Jasper can I ask you a question," Bella asked.

Jasper inclined his head and nodded. Superficial civil war vampire. "Can I call you Jazzimatron? It sounds soo cool!" Bella exclaimed. That's such an awesome name! Jasper went even paler then he was and just nodded meekly. Hahaha I know big words... it's because I read some of the dictionary whilst I was not allowed in our bedroom. Shit Rose just glared at me. It's like she knew that I said 'OUR' instead of 'THE' bedroom.

We stood at the entrance and stared in. I started to sing that I'm in Heaven song. Except I changed it to Emmett's in heaven until Rose wacked me over the head. The couples parted in different directions. Jazzimatron and Alice went to the Barbie Doll section, Edward and Bella headed off to the Lego and I dragged Rose over to the Toy Car section. I can't wait to discover new cars in minature form! Santa is going to have to buy me some for christmas.

**RPOV**

This is ridiculous. We're spending our Saturday in a toy shop? Though my darling, retarded husband claims it's not just a toy shop... its THE ultimate toy shop known as _Toyrs R Us_. But I do love Emmett though. He's my giant teddy bear. My giant stupid teddy bear. This could turn out okay though. As long as I don't have to touch the toys that dirty little hands have touched before. I'll just stare at cute little girls wishing I was able to have a daughter of my own. Maybe Emmett will be successful this time and manage to steal one for me? Though I don't think he will. He's too wrapped up in his toy cars.

After a while I got a little bored with watching Emmett proclaim his newly found hobby and toy love. At least I now have something to bribe him with to make Emmett be good and all because if he doesn't I shall threaten to take away his toy cars. To top it off, there were no little blonde hair, blue eyed, little girls in a pink dress with pigtails. Only mangy boys that remind me of Emmett. They probably take after him too. Wait... Emmett would take after them actually. They have a more mature age level.

So I wandered over to find Alice interogating Jasper about a particular Barbie. "You see Jasper. Next time I ask you what's wrong with this imbecile barbie's clothes don't tell me that her colours don't match. Tell me that there is a stitch missing on her dress, her hair style does not suit her outfit, her lipstick is too pink, cheek's don't get that red... except for Bella's... and how the hell can you get a brush that is the size of your head!?" Jasper was on the ground just nodding to everything Alice yelled. I like that... gotta tell a man who's boss.

Alice owns Jasper like Carlisle owns his top secret room. I know about it... mwahaha because I made Edward tell me all of the random gossip that the family and stupid humans at school were hiding about 14 years ago after he 'accidently' pranged my sexy red banging car.

I coughed to alert then of my whereabouts. Alice looked up and then ran up and hugged me.

"Come on Alice. These dolls are belittling our status," I said and started walking to find Emmett again. Alice started following and called to Jasper, "Buy and dispose of those treacherous Barbie Dolls far far away. I do not want you to come back until 5am. Remember I can see your decisions so you cannot escape me. Mwahaha!" I smiled and linked arms with Alice. "Right on sister. I mean... who the hell has big heads like this? Bratz! Pfft." I added.

We continued to diss the childlike barbie toys until we reached Emmett again. This time he had a few selected cars ripped out of their packets and had found some sort of a village printed out on a mat made from some material.

I sighed. "You'd think that being over 80 you would get sick of playing with trucks on that mat that is like a village," I stated looking at Emmett. Alice shrugged and replied, "But it's Emmett. You don't have high expectations of him."

"True that," I said. "It's called Stationery Village!" Emmett cried in glee. Poor poor Emmett.

"Let's go see how Edward and Bella are fairing in their Lego Land," Alice suggested. Anything to keep me from snatching Emmett's cars away from him and telling him to behave.

**BPOV**

Edward and I had left the others at the entrance and went off to the Lego. Yay! I have always loved lego. There are so many possibilities you could do with them. Build houses, infrastructures, cars and blocks, gamble with them, play dominoes with them, stack them singlely on top of each other and even... eat them. I've tried it all... sadly.

Come on though! I was three when I accidently ate a SMALL Lego piece and ended up in the Emergency Room. That was not the start of my medical history either. We'll leave it at that.

Once we had found the Lego section, due to a tip off from an employee, we devised a plan of action for our fortress of lego. Half an hour we spent building our fortress. It's not quite finished yet though.

One more wall to put up and a flag to declare it ours! We even named it! Impending Doom of Magnificant Jumbo Lego Mountain... or to simple it down the 'DMJLM'. Don't ask about the name. I won't tell you how we thought of it. This was our masterpiece. We were going ot have to find out a way to move it back to the Cullen Mansion. I did something illegal too. You see, to get the Lego to buid our fortress, we needed to open the boxes and containers full of lego to access the Lego in order to build.

"FINISHED!" Edward yelled with a look of completion in his eyes, Success at last. This shall be our fortress and our fortress only. Maybe we should make a sign saying so? But I'm too tired... instead I'll throw some lego at Edward. He'll never suspect it because he can't read my mind! Mwahaha. "OMC large lego piece hit my eye. Call the ambulance I'm dying here! Ah god... take care of my shoes. I love my shoes!" Edward cried as I threw lego at him. WTF? Shoes? Dying? Love? Oh dear god he's delusional. My fiance is delusional.

"Stuff the doctor. Call the shrink!" I cried out. Alice and Rosalie came around the corner staring at us like we were on drugs. That is not entirely true. One of us isn't on drugs but the other is... hint hint. "What's wrong?" Alice asked. "Edward's insane! He said he loves his shoes and that he's dying which makes no sense because he's already dead!" I kind of yelled the last bit and earned a couple of stares from parents and their children. Oh come on... so they don't stop us from building a giant fortress of lego in _Toys R Us_ and ripping open the lego but they stare when I say that my fiance is already dead? Now who's the people on crack? Huh? Huh?

"Bella it's okay. Edward is just being an ass. He's faking it now just to see how you'd react. Aren't you Eddie-schmeggie? Alice comforted me and asked Edward who sat up in vampire speed. Lucky no one was looking. "Mwahaha you caught me! I was having fun because we had just finished our Fortress and I love the air its soo high!" Edward dejected.

"Umm... Bella maybe you're right. Edward might have to go and see a shrink soon. Though not today because we're about to watch a fight between Emmett and Jasper," Alice said, "Even though Jasper is SUPPOSED to be disposing of those ugly wanna-be dolls."

**EPOV**

Little do they know that I can pull off an excellent insane person act. _Edward stop being mean to Bella. Hurry up and act like you again because Jasper and Emmett are gonna fight it out._ Alice thought to me. Ohkay hmm this should be interesting. What are those two little boys up to now? What are they thinking? Tuning in now... stupid static and human minds.

_I wonder why they call it Toys R Us?_ One woman thought.

_Mummy won't buy me a super sonic radar dispenser gun with a disposable handcuff syrup locking devise_, a little boy complained in his thoughts. WTF did he want anyway? Stick to cars and action figures mate.

_You can brush my hair. Undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation,_ a 9 year old girl hummed in her mind. Is this what barbies portray to younger girls? Barbie dolls with that unmentionable Barbie Girl song by Aqua. Gah to it.

Finally I found Jasper's thoughts. _Six times to the final confrontion. You can do this. Emmett shall not attack you with a toy gun! Keep it up!_ Physcing himself up eh? Now to Emmett.

_Emmett shall win! I love guns because they are only three letters long but make a great weapon. Though who needs guns when I have my bare hands to hunt? _Emmett does have a point there. Though he keeps speaking in third person. Retardarational. So is that word I just made up but meh. It still has the word 'retard' in it somewhere.

Alice, Rose, Bella and I made our way over to the Toy Gun Section to find Jasper and Emmett circling each other armed with a gun in each hand. You know it doesn't help that Jasper has a Civil War frame of mind so... yeah. "1...2...3..." Jasper counted and at 3 they struck each other with the water guns. But the thing I want to know is how the hell they got the water to fill their guns with? They never left the store!

Five minutes had passed and they were both sopping wet. Same with the surrounding shelves and quite frankly us as well. I'm surprised no one has come to break the two up yet. _Edward. Make them stop so I can do my plan._ Alice thought to me again. Time to pull out the big guns... not literally though. "So... how the hell did you guys get the water to fill those things?" I asked slowly making sure they had stopped squirting each other mostly.

"Ah how did we get the water Jazzimatron?" Emmett asked. "Don't call me that. Only Bella can cause she asked!," Jasper hissed in reply, "As for the water I thought you retrieved some."

"Emmett did not get water," Emmett said. "Stop speaking to yourself in third person. It sucks!" Jasper yelled. "Dude settle down," Emmett said in a tone of voice like a shrink. Gah the irony today. "Edward! Tell him to stop!" Emmett and Jasper said in unison and then again, "HEY!" they both cried out.

Alice had handcuffed Jasper's right arm to Emmett's left arm with pink fluffy handcuffs. "What the hell? It's pink. Ahhh!" Emmett cried. "You two get along now! Or no toy cars and village for you Emmett. Anyways how much did you buy?" Rose asked him. "Emmett bought enough to make his own Toys R Emmett. Noooo! Don't take Emmett's cars away!" Emmett pleaded. Damn third person.

"Car... now!" Alice and Rose screamed at their husbands. They'd have to have them both in one car with Rose whilst Alice rode alone in her Porshe. I chuckled to myself. Those two were idiots. They are vampires! They can just break out of the handcuffs in a micro second. How can they not realise this? Oh well... their loss.

**A/N: Did you all like it? 10 individual reviews and I will post the next chapter as soon as I can and at least on the weekend. Hehe its a full moon tonight. I can see it from my bed looking out of my window. Shining bright! **

**Oh and today is my dad's 50th birthday. Just thought to tell you all for some reason.**

**Now I was getting to thinking, would you all like a chapter listing around 100 of Jasper's isane, evil plans. I was thinking chapter 16 as next chapter is **_hawktalon. of. windclan_**'s idea.**

**Oh and sorry about forgetting to type up the preview for this chapter. I was a little rushed last time. I do accept annonymous reviews so click the little 'go' button eve n if you don't have an account. Thank you everyone for your support. If you have any evil, insane plans for Jasper's list send them to me in a review and I'll mention your name as one of the creators.**

**Preview for Chapter 15: **_"Awh no fair Emmett. I wanna be something cool too. I have decided that I am going to be a..."_

**Review and you get Chapter title and extended preview for the next chapter which will tell you what Jasper wants to be.**


	15. Mythological

**Chapter Fifteen: Mytholical**

**A/N: Disclaimer: No one believes I own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer wouldn't let Emmett become another mytholical creature. It is now down to 2 proejcts that are now not due until next term because we got an extension! Wooh. Also only one week of school left. **

**I actually have Chapter 16 already written, typed up and added as a document on Fanfiction already. Just a little act of bribery. If I get 10 or over in one day I will post it Monday or Tuesday. Remember Chapter 16 is 100 Evil Plans thoat Jasper has. Now who wants to read them soon? Thank you to everyone who reviewed. You all made my day(s).**

**In order: **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_xxpunkrockettexx_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_appriates_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_Rachael Clare_**, **_Lady Saruman _**(x6), **_briiittx xhc_**, and **_i__nl__uvwthecullens_

**CPOV**

It was around 4am in the morning and I was getting dressed in my bedroom for the day. I had no plans because this was supposed to be my day off that the Hospital gave me because I work so hard without complaining and seem to have a lot of energy non stop. Little do they know is that I don't complain because my patients are normal unlike certain people, coughemmettcough, and my limitless supply of energy is because I am a vampire and I don't need sleep. I'M INVINCIBLE!!

Except when other vampires tear me to shreds and burn my remains. I may not be so invincible then but meh. Never fear! Though my tie was being a butt. No matter how many times I tie the thing it decides that it doesn't want to be in a triangle shape. Why I wear a tie you ask? It makes me feel professional like and cool! I'm a cool fool!

"FINALLY!" I shouted. The tie was being nice to me. I shall reward it with a nice cool hand wash with pretty smelling soap. Just then there was a knock at my door and a pink bouncy ball bounded into the room without me giving my consent. Stupid vampire family and not waiting after over 50 years. "Carlisle I have some news from the Grape Vine of my visions," Alice said. Interesting.

"What are they? Tell me! O.o I want to know," I replied.

"Well the my sources show that you might want to be out of the house by 10am because Emmett is going to be Emmett which involves something weird and NOT NORMAL!" Alice advised. I heard those two words 'NOT NORMAL' and shuddered. I must take this piece of information into account.

"I'll be out by 9:45am to be on the safe side! Can't take any chances," I rushed. I really need to get over the fact that my family and I will never be normal but I can't. One day I shall turn everyone into a vampire so that everyone will be normal in the vampire sense so then normalicy could be within reach except for Emmett.

The 5 and a half hours flew by pretty slowly. Everything I could do was done. I even brushed my teeth... which doesn't even make sense because I don't really need to. My hard teeth just ended up snapping the toothbrush but that at least gave me the opportunity to walk to the recycle bin outside the front because it is recycling day.

I arrived at the hospital at 9:55am to be questioned why I wasn't at home with my lovely wife and children. "Doctor Cullen it's your day off. You shouldn't be here," my secretary said. I know but I don't want to be at home. "Oh you know Mandy. Young whipper snapper teenagers these days always have plans that don't involve their old man," I replied politely. Haha old... she don't even know how old.

It had just gone noon and I was having a break socialising with a chair in the back room by myself... and the chair until my pager went off. I went to the waiting room to take the next patient in line who wanted a check up. I was half way through it when I realised that I had left my stethoscope at home. There was no way I'm going back there... besides its not very... usuable after last week with Esme when the kids were still at Toys R Us. Hehehe... eh. Don't mind me.

"Carlisle you're needed in the Operating Room," some doctor notified me. Well I rather face human blood then Emmett being Emmett. Next time I am forcing myself to join him in his little 'fun games'. Even if Jasper and Edward have to hold me there.

**JPOV**

Six times I had fallen into Alice's wraith. I was currently situated in our bedroom tied to a chair in the middle of the room whilst Alice tried on outfits and was making me decide which one would best suit her for her party that she is planning TWO MONTHS AWAY! It's not like she'll take my opinions into account. She just wants to torture me.

She already sees what she is going to wear in her vision, how many guests will turn up, what the décor is, food being served and music to be played. It's like she's planning it for tonight. Organised pixie. I need to escape! Evil plan number 32 must come into action! After dealing with that complication I fled down the stairs into the Living Room. Must... not... let... Alice.. get... me... again.

Once I was in the room I noticed Emmett was already there stamping his feet all over the room. Esme was watching in the shadows stroking an imaginary moustache evily holding a... a... baseball bat? That is kind of creepy. You would never imagine your _mother_ with a french moustache now would you? Also Emmett is acting weird.. as usual. It's normal for him but my curiousity is getting the better of me. They say 'curiousity killed the cat' so why not.

"Emmett why are you stamping your feet? There are no bugs in the house. Esme doesn't like bugs," I said. She won't even let one stare at the house from outside for too long before she arms herself with bug spray. "I am not stamping for bugs! I'm a mytholical creature of the world!" He replied. Oh my god he's high again. "Emmett we're already supposed to be mytholical creatures. We're vampires remember?"

"Well well... I don't want to be a vampire at the present moment. I want to be BIGFOOT! The almighty creature with big feet!" Emmett stated.

"Well then. Bigfoot away," I said. There is no point in arguing with Emmett. Instead I shall think of more evil plans! God I'm so evil that its good! I have 100 evil plans all ready and written down on my special piece of paper because I'm special. Thank god Alice hasn't come downstairs yet. I think she is working out which paper cups will go with the colour of the room. Man she is exceptionally weird.

Over the past half an hour Emmett had found some brown string and was wrapping his arms in it so that he looked the same colour as Bigfoot and now he was figuring out a BigFoot Walk. It actu

ally looks kinda fun if I do say so myself.

I watched Emmett as he ran around in circles trying to perfect his 'walk'. I decided I wanted to join in because it will succeed in an evil plan of mine. "Awh no fair Emmett. I wanna be something cool too. I have decided that I am going to be... a unicorn!" I smirked to myself. Mwahaha. Time to let the insane and weird Jasper out of the closet. He's running out of air.. haha but he doesn't need it but still. It keeps the charade up for someone in your closet to need air.

"Join in brother unicorn dearest. Let's get this party started! Unicorn and Big Foot macarena!" Emmett cried. Five minutes later Edward ran down the stairs, glared at us and stormed out. What's wrong with him? Oh I know... he's REPRESSED!

Emmett must have got an idea then because he stomped over to the study for some reason. Why did he leave me? Everybody leaves me? Doesn't anybody like me? Awh man. I shall headbutt the furniture with my horn now because I am a unicorn! Everyone will pay for this. Evil Plan time!

**EmPOV**

Being BigFoot is fun fun fun. Do you know how much fun it is to stomp your feet, make up a walk and find a cool costume? I bet you don't but I do. Today is going by quite slow though. It must be that I am a totally hot vampire and time goes slow on purpose as it orbits me. That is the answer! I am such a genius.

Then an idea popped into my head! I know the perfect way to become a father without having to technically steal a child. This is absolutely brilliant of me! I am on a roll baby, on a roll. I stomped into the study that Carlisle gave us kids so that we don't disturb his precious notes and files on his laptop. Gee he has no trust in us.

I mean it sooo was not my fault that I left a heavy book on the keyboard and the corner leant on the 'backspace' button and it slowly erased Carlisle's word document on the best cure for cancer yet! Come on... it was his book so if you think about it, it was all his fault. Well since the incident, none of us but him and sometimes Esme were allowed in there.

Well anyways I went into OUR study and logged onto the computer and then opened up an internet browser. Surprisingly to Bella, I can actually work the internet. Mwahaha it is my secret talent besides eating everything in site! Google was the first search engine I chose and I went into the 'images' bit and typed in 'babies'.

They are all so cute but one thing scares me. Why the hell would mothers and families put up pictures of their babies on google images? I am it just says 'stalker look at me! I'm wearing a wittle batman outfit.' I should pretend to be a stalker and go and kidnap these children but I must stick to my plan. Rose is soo going to let me call the bedroom OUR bedroom after I give her the gift of life.

After I had found the picture of a baby I saved it and then inserted in into a word document and turned the printer on. Better get my camera to take a picture of this monumental event. I pressed print and waited for the printer to give birth to the beautiful child... even if it is just a picture. Don't tell him that though. Because he is soo a child.

"Come on printer! Only need to print the bottom half... almost over!" I encouraged the printer. This is such an event. I even may cry. After I headed back into the Living Room to show off my baby.

"I'M A FATHER!" I shouted. Jasper came out of the kitchen to see why the hell I yelled that out.

"Dude it is such a picture... of a baby boy," Jasper stated. "Don't be mean," I retaliated.

"Only one way to settle this! ZINC FIGHT!" Jasper yelled pulling out red zinc. "ONWARDS!" I shouted in reply pulling out... pink zinc from my pocket. Pink? Gee more manly man. "Esme save the child," I said. Five minutes of battling it out took place until Edward finally returned home and shouted, "You guys both need a life." (**A/N: Rachael and I really did have a pink zinc fight during math on Tuesday)**

**BPOV**

Everyone was doing something in the house whilst I was trapped up in Edward's bathroom. I didn't want to face Jasper and Emmett having a mytholical zinc fight in the Lounge Room with Esme hovering in the shadows of the corner making sure they did not break any of her precious furniture. Carlisle was being mean and fled this ship before it even sailed. Stupid pixie Alice warning him. I know he escaped to the Hospital to talk to normal patients and work colleagues. Just pretend... just pretend.

Edward had left the house about 10 minutes ago. All of Emmett and Jasper's thoughts were getting to him. He didn't even think to take me but then again... I don't want to go with Edward. I like it here. The bathmat is fluffy! So fluffy! I shall name it 'Fluffy'. Rosalie and Alice were on the internet buying new bed sheets as Emmett got a little hungry late last night and was too lazy to walk to the kitchen or hunt. I swear... he downs more human food then he does animal blood. This leaves me in the bathroom.

Spending half an hour up here isn't all that bad. I've lined up all of Edward's shampoos, conditioners, soaps and bath toys and given them all names. The rubber duck is called Rubber Duckie. How original is that?

Just then I heard Edward come through the front door and slam it again. I leapt out of the bathroom and down the stairs! I didn't even fall. "You guys both need a life," he said to Emmett and Jasper. "Don't say that in front of my kid. He has sensitive ears you know." Emmett replied. Jasper then took his turn and spoke, "Dude we can't have a life... we're dead. Emmett your 'kid' is a piece of paper with a picture of a baby on it."

"Stupid unicorns. Always the prissy girly technical side," Emmett muttered. But his muttering was as loud as a human speaking anyway. He fled the room but came back in a second later to retreive his child. "It's okay. No one will hurt you," he cooed to the piece of freaking paper and stomped out of the room with his big Big Foot feet.

"I really want to rip that up. Does that count as murder if I do?" Edward asked no one.

Esme moved from behind the shadows carrying a baseball bat, "Maybe it does son... maybe it does," she added in with a mysterious tone.

This was getting a little weird. No one had noticed me in the room yet. Rosalie and Alice had come to see what the commotion was, Edward and Esme were planning the kidnapping of Emmett's 'son', Carlisle was still at the Hospital and Jasper was charging at the wall barging it with his unicorn horn but succesfully made a whole in the wall. Esme didn't even realise... yet.

Suddenly I had an idea. "Guys I want to be a mytholical creature too!" I said. Everyone turned to face me. Jasper broke the silence first, "What do you want to be Bella?" He sent emotional waves over the Cullens so they didn't notice as the front door opened to reveal Carlisle. "I wanna be a vampire!" I said cheerfully. The next second passed silently as Carlisle fled out the front door muttering about normal families again.

**A/N: Thank you all for reading. For all you Jasper addicts out there, one in particular... coughklutzygirl34cough, review review review to get his evil chapter out.**

**So the goal is to get up to 230-240 reviews in total. Don't forget I accept annonymous reviews. Tell me your favourite line. Only one week left of school for me then I get 2 weeks off. **

**Now: 5 reviews gets you chapter 16 by friday night**

**10 reviews gets you chapter 16 by wednesday night**

**15 reviews gets you chapter 16 by tuesday morning**

**More than 15 will get you chapter 16 like Sunday sometime**

**Now for a teaser of one of Jasper's Evil Plans: **_Number 22: Summon the evil genie_

**Haha there you have it. A plan. Though it doesn't really relate to taking over the World. Some do but others relate to doing stuff whislt taking over the world. If you review you get 2 other evil plans as sneak peaks and the title as well.**


	16. Jasper and his plans!

**Chapter Sixteen: Jasper and his plans**

**A/N: This would have to be one of the funniest, randomest and easiest chapters I have written so far. I managed to think up 77 in the space of around 45 minutes. I could have gone past a hundred but decided against it. Tell me if you like the chapter because in the future I may do a random list of all the things Emmett has eaten or loves to do. **

**Disclaimer: Damn I do not own Twilight... though I own this laptop that I'm typing on and strawberries I'm eating. **

**Okay goal for this chapter is at least 10 reviews like always. I know you can do it. Around 40 people read each new chapter when I post it so that should be like 40 reviews if everyone reviews but not everyone does so yeah. Thank to for everyone who reviewed the last chapter. **

**In order: **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_Rachael_**(x5), **_klutzygirl34_**, **_maximum eclipse_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_briiittx xhc_**, **_Lady Saruman(x10),__Sunshine0235_** and **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**.**

_These are all in Jasper's Point of View. It's just going to be a list of Evil Plans that contribute to his World Domination or random acts of insaneage (another word Rachael and I made up)._

_Enjoy and review with your favourite one._

Obey the Almighty Green Grass

Take over the internet with my sexiness

Take over the world with radio-active Llamas

Do the rain dance but make it an ACID rain dance

Spill creamy vanilla yoghurt on unsuspecting humans

Tie cheese to poles to attract rodents

Clingwrap the School Gate so no one can enter

Better yet... clingwrap the School Gate whilst the students and teachers are in school so they are trapped inside

Steal street signs so no one knows where they are

Run a gun-making factory

Eat a million skittles and spit them back up again

Throw shoes into the sky

Block out the sun with a mutated elephant

Breed Glow Worms

Steal Emmett's Couch Army

Ten times ten does indeed equal a hundred

Tell the wrong time to someone

Burn my evil math teacher on a stake

Contact the United Nations with a happy threat

Create a dust storm

Find shelter to escape the above mentioned dust storm

Summon the evil genie

Wish for a new mobile phone, laptop and lipstick from him

Create own evil website

Make out with Alice for 10 minutes straight

Proclaim evilness over the radio

Take ovr the aiways and sing horrible songs out of tune

Tell the old people that youngens are coming to eat them

Watch the elderly run like headless chickens

Catch a whole lotta salmon and make Mike eat it all

Dye all the white socks pink

Cut up Alice's credit cards

Send serious threats to the United Nations

Dress in black

Take over the Pre-schools with brainwashed teachers

Destroy the Television Channels and make my own channel

Speak only in monotone

Walk shiftily in running shoes carrying a baseball bat

Install mindshields so Edward can't read my mind

Tackle a lion and a bear and matet them with each other

Dispose of all the leaves by means of burning

Bring back the Civil War!

Become a billionare without Alice's future seeing help

Build an ark and collect two of each type of animal

Embark on the ark out to sea for 5 weeks, 3 days, 6 hours, 16 minutes, 57 seconds and 23 miliseconds

Come back with barbarians

Whip humans with a wet dish cloth

Abolish homework

Eat gravel

Break all of Edward's CDs

Annoy the Police

Annoy the Russians

Heard the middle-aged into pens of 10

Contact aliens

Hide in the shrubs as aliens attack

Fight off aliens and kill them all

Copy their spacecraft technology and call it my own

Grab a slice or two of pizza and sit down and relax

Sunbath for two days straight

Light the schools, buildings nad offices in Asia **(A/N: No offence to Asia and it's people)**

Melt the Polar Ice Caps

Push the werewolves off a cliff

Document my success of plans on film

Sell cutlery and crockery on Ebay

Halt storng winds

Challenge God to a duel!

Score in basketball then burn the court

Sink all continents except the USA and Australia for now

Bring back Atlantis

Bring back the BIFF!

Think up a slogan

Send bomb threats to the United Nations

Tell them the monkeys did it

Signal the Palace Guards

Create an Ant Army

Climb the mountain ranges

Frollic in a field with Cows

Now steal everyone's mailbox

Design more comfortable chairs to sit my vampire butt on

Create a club with a t-shirt

Glue signs to the front door of every house saying 'The End is near... MWAHA." Include the evil laugh in writing whilst you evil laugh out loud

Have a mutant potato army at your disposal

Convince the guy at the local cafe that Edward is a social outcast **(A/N: We convinced the guy that our friend was a social outcast)**

Congregate all the evil genius people in the world; Dr. Evil and all sorts for a meeting in the Garage with tea and crumpets afterwards

Sign a contract stating that hairbrushes are my mascots

Teach a gymnastics class... make them climb the high rope

Create an album of my recordings entitled: "How I am going to destroy the world"

Stop the gravity holding us down and knock the earth out of orbit

Smash my old mobile so that I can buy that cool new one that the side pokes out

of and its like a mini laptop

Perform a strip tease at the local club on the bar whilst pouring drinks. Jasper Hale can multitask!

Order the cinemas to release some movie that comes out December the 12th

Prank call the president... 1483 TIMES!

Take 93 photos of myself posing

Grand theft auto!

Place tracking webcams on the internet so I can see into people's houses when they access the net

Find the people via the webcams that I hate and capture them all and make them walk on a mouse wheel the size of a human which gives my air conditioner energy

Actually bomb the UN and the president

Announce myself president!

Burn this list

Laugh like a maniac whilst list is burning.

_There you have it. 100 of Jasper's evil plans. In the future I may do more lists like 100 stupid things Emmett has done... do you guys want to read that? I really want to write one now. Chapter 20 maybe? I made two mistakes in this chapter on purpose. Can anyone pick them out? One is a mixed up reference from a previous chapter and one plan won't be successful due to the evil plan before it. TRY AND FIND THEM!_

**A/N: Thank you all for reviewing and such. To make my day, and Jasper's evil day, click the review button below. Reviews to me are like chicken. How I love chicken... **

**It is officially almost the holidays now. 2 WEEKS OFF! I can't believe that I have actually written 16 chapters of this story. Thank you all so much. I have no idea how many chapters this will end up be. Next chapter is **_kdscutie_**'s idea.**

**Preview for Chapter 17: **_"Which do you choose next? Only 4 are left."_

**Reviews are my non-fattening addiction. You'll get title and extended preview also.**


	17. Deal or No Deal Cullen Style

**Chapter 17: Deal or no deal Cullen Style**

**SO TERRIBLY SORRY EVERYONE! I HAD THIS WRITTEN 3 DAYS AGO BUT FANFICTION WAS NOT WORKING. I WASN'T GETTING AN EMAILS OR ANYTHING. I PROMISE TO GET ANOTHER CHAPTER OUT IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS! SO SORRY AGAIN! IT HAD NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON.**

**Disclaimer: There is no 'A' in Twilight so therefore I, Anita, do not own Twilight.**

**A/N: Hey hows it going everyone? Today was the last day of school for the term! 2 weeks of holidays... tho I have exams first week back so I have to study. Holidays also mean quicker updates. The more you review, the more motivation I have to write chapters.**

**Hehe I currently have warrior stripes on my face with pink zinc from school. Last dayfun with no work.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed! It now stands at 34 Faves, 37 alerts (which should mean 36 reviews but it doesnt), and 257 reviews! I feel happy. Let's aim for another 10 individual reviews for this chapter. Heres to **_kdscutie'_**s idea. Where are you **_kdscutie_**?**

**Those who reviewed last chapter: **_Lady Saruman(x5)_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_Sunshine0235_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_Rachael Clare_**, **_smartchicks1210_** , **_briiittx xhc_** and**_ person(anon)._

_**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**_

**APOV**

Welcome to Alice Cullen's life! Boring as hell at the moment. We all really need to get out more often which is strange because we're always out... whether at school, shopping or hunting when the sun is shining brightly in front of the clouds which cover Forks the majority of the time.

Well let's get this party started and I have one of the most brilliant ideas in history but it is I so you wouldn't expect anything different and PLAIN!

Time to gather up the herd. "Everyone! Loungeroom! Now! Meeting! Fun!" I yelled. Everyone will listen to my idea! Carlisle sighed from his and Esme's bedroom. "Why the Loungeroom? I will not subject myself to that room where we always meet. I want a change! Why can't we have a change? Normal people change aspects in their lives! Why can't we? AHH this is not fair. I hate not being normal!" Carlisle whined. What the hell is wrong with him?

"Fine! Reconviene in the Recreational Room everyone! Carlisle is being a baby!" I finished re-organising my closet for the 5th time this morning and then I headed downstairs to meet everyone. Fashionably late is my thing! It has the word 'fashion' in it. The family was sitting on the floor admid the Nintendo Wii, Playstations and other Gaming Console's that the boys fiddle with constantly instead of being with their wives... and fiance in Bella's case.

Stupid self absorbed guys in games. We'll show them a thing or two. "I was in my bedroom about 10 minutes ago when I had a idea... not a vision... an IDEA! On TV yesterday there was this show called Deal or No Deal so I thought that we could make a similar version but at a tablespoon of Cullen Style into it," I explained.

"Man that show is the bomb-diggity. I always guess the right case!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Yea you pick the right one after making a mistake 25 times!" Edward added in. "Still I guess right!" Emmett retaliated.

"Also there are only 26 cases so you had to be right or that would be soo stupid if you didn't get that guess right," Edward said back. Stupid Edward and Emmett arguments. Both names start with 'E'. What are the odds? "What are you? Possessed?" Emmett asked Edward. "SHUT UP! Just cause I hear voices in my head doesn't mean that I'm possessed!" Edward said, "At least I can count past 65!" Emmett thought for a moment, "I can count past 65!"

"Prove it then!" Edward dared him. "Fine! 65, 66, 67, 91!" Emmett said proudly. Poor Emmett.

"Emmett you're wrong. 68 comes after 67." Esme said gently. Such a mother figure in the family. Esme is the mother figure, Carlisle is the working doctor father figure how just wants a normal family, Rosalie is the teenager obsessed with makeup and herself, Edward is the quiet teenager... like a band geek, Jasper is the emotional feeling teenager... like an emo, Bella is the klutzy teenager and I am the shopping obsessed, energetic teenager. Emmett is... just Emmett.

"Moving on. Time to explain the rules that I have adapted to make it Cullentastic! Well usually it's one person who has picked out their own briefcase from the 26 available. From there they pick out briefcases from those left in which each contains a certain amount of money. After each set the Bank offers them a sum of money in which they can say either 'Deal' or 'No Deal' to. If they say 'Deal' and take the money the bank offers, their game ends there. If they say 'No Deal' they keep on playing." I looked around to see if everyone has gotten the basic concept. "If you all have an idea. Say I!"

A chorus of 'I's rang out through the room. Even Emmett said 'I'. I was a little shocked but Emmett must be learning after attending high school and college numerous times though that wouldn't really help. It must be the TV he always watches.

"Well now! Time for the changing of the rules to fit the Vampire Family of Forks, Washington. Carlisle will be the host of the game. His role is to open the cases in the rows and to make sure the teams are sure about their choices. Esme is the assistant and will stand between the 2 cases that the teams have chosen. The two times will be girls verse guys... again. Eddie, Jazz and Emmett verse Rose, Bells and myself. Each team will have 26 briefcases separately on each side of the room and then they pick one from their 26 to be their briefcase in which Esme looks after. One at a time each team will pick a briefcase from their pile with Carlie will open. Whatever the amount in the suitcase is, it will disappear from the list of money that is in the briefcases." I paused to unnecessarily catch my breath. The room was dead silent, besides Bella's heart beat and blood pulsing.

"Every so often Esme will offer you a sum of money in which you may either take or keep on playing. Thus the DEAL or NO DEAL part." I finished off.

"Esme! You're a bank! I...erh can we forget about the loan that I took out last week? I... um can't erh play that back," Emmett rambled on. What loan? We're freaking rich. Geez Emmett. q

"Any questions?" I asked everyone. Emmett raised his hand of course. "What's with the DEAL part?" Everyone groaned. Ah... "Emmett you'll find out soon or get someone else to explain it," I replied to his question.

**EPOV**

This is going to be interesting. I have heard of that Television show before but it never intrigued me. Though the Cullen Version may provide some entertainment for the day. Though watching Bella blush is entertainment enough for me. Contentment at watching her. Does it seem creepy though? Watching your girlfriend sleep ALL night? In her bed just staring at her face? Damn that is kinda freaky.

I wonder what everyone is thinking about our new game to fight boredom? Tuning in now.

_'Everyone is agreeing to play. Though I can't see the outcome yet. Carlisle no! He can't do that to me!'_ Alice though to herself.

_'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are standing in a row..._' Jasper's thoughts are so utterly weird it is making me scared.

_'Pots and Plants. Pots and Plants. I pretend to pet my pots and plants. Alliteration all the way!'_ Esme is now incorporating language techniquest into her thoughts? No wonder Calisle wants a normal family. Speaking of which, _'NORMAL normal NORMAL normal NORMAL! At least we're congregating in the Rec Room instead of that retched Loungeroom._'

Next was Emmett. Surprisingly he was staring right at me... _'Prude prude prude prude. PRUDE!'_ Blasted Emmett. I tuned into Bella but found static. Damn it! That's when I noticed that Alice had resumed talking again after avoiding Emmett's question by giving him an answer to ask one of us. It so better not be me he asks. But he didn't end up asking at all and instead decides to talk in a british accent for the moment. He has a weird fascination with his voice. First it was third person and now its british accents? "On with the show... haha get it? It is actually a show," Alice said. Emmett rubs off on everyone lately. "Edward, Jasper and Emmett, head over to the right side of the room. Esme could you go into the small study and get the briefcases? Just don't open them. No one knows what's inside each; not even me. Rose and Bella meet me over on the left side of the room," Alice said.

The next second we heard Alice scream at Carlisle, "I am not wearing that! It does not match my outfit! Come on... this isn't fair! I came up with this idea. I am not wearing Aluminium Foil on my head."

"Look, it's so you cannot have visions about who is going to win and the boys strategies of eliminating their briefcases. Normal families try to be fair!" Carlisle pouted.

"Well normal families don't wear martian hats made out of alumium foil I might add," Alice retorted back.

I started laughing at Alice and her negative thoughts about wearing that contraption. Carlisle then turned to me with an evil glint in his eye. His thoughts were blocked out with him counting to 100 in french. What is he hiding behind the french language?

"Edward, son, you are also going to have to wear one of the mind-shielding devices so you cannot read what the girl's team are choosing. Each case has different cash amounts in it so if the girls pick case 25 and it has 50 dollars. Case 25 for you guys may not necessarily have 25 dollars in it too."

My smile wiped off of my face. I do not want to wear the al foil on my head either.

Alice saw my expression change and gave me a smirk. _'Join the club brother dearest. The Al Foil Club!'_ It amazing me how she can still be all joyful even though she's wearing something that you usually use in cooking.

"No point in the fighting brother. Just dig it loud and clear," Emmett clapped me on the back. I growled at him in response. Let's see what he would do if he had to wear one of these. "They are ultimately sexy Edward. Perhaps when you and Bella finally do the deed you can wear that. Silver is YOUR colour Eddie," again he speaks without my consent.

"Emmett just stop and go with Jasper and strategise," I said through my teeth. Why did I get stuck with a brother like Emmett? Or one like Jasper sometimes? Though they both can be extremely entertaining and we do have brotherly bonding... over which cereal Bella prefers better. Emmett thinks its gummy bears with a GRIZZLE... not drizzle... of yoghurt. Strange that.

Finally Alice and I had our ridiculous head pieces on and were with our team. All the cases were lined out on each side. Carlisle then stood in the middle of the room. "Ladies and Gentlemen. It is now time for you, as a team, to pick your briefcase which will stay with you until you take the deal or end up opening it at the end."

"Oh... oh we choose briefcase 15!" Alice cried out. Rose and Bella looked at each other but then shrugged. It didn't appease them. Emmett ordered Jasper and I to huddle, "Guys lets go for a cool number that has the same numbers in it. Like 11 and 22," he whispered, though everyone but Bella could hear him anyway. Carlisle coughed to signal to us to hurry our butts up.

"We choose briefcase 22. It has two 2's in it. Yay!" Emmett jumped in glee. What are we going to do with him?

"Now to begin the actual game!" Carlisle exclaimed in the host like voice. It suited him.

**BPOV**

We had finished picking our case! Now onto the game. I am jumping up and down in my seat with excitement... that or I just ate a whole packet of skittles in three minutes. Either way suits me because I am the essence of becoming high off of sugar. Damn I can't even understand myself.

"Now to decide who goes first I shall have a number from 0 to 10 in my head. Each of you can have a chance of picking a number. The person who gets the closest or actually gets the number, that person's team gets to go first," Carlisle started.

Alice and Edward looked frustrated because of the new addition to their attire. Looks pretty sexy on Edward if you ask me. Though everything does, even high heels. Though we shall not mention that to anyone else.

"7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7,7! Me like 7!" I yelled out. Everyone looked at me stunned... again. I just shrugged. Alice guessed 5, Rosalie guessed 1, Emmett guessed negative 61... weirdo, Edward guessed 9 and Jasper guessed 4. Excellent variety of numbers there.

"The number was actually 2 because its the number of children a nucleur family usually has," Carlisle said, "That makes Rosalie the closest so girls go first."

Carlisle has a little problem with wanting be be normal. We should put him in a straight jacket or something in a room with white cushions... that would be pretty funny.

"Girls, the time has come for you to choose the first suitcase in the game. What will it be?"

"Let us talk about our options first," Rosalie said. Well... what the hell? You don't have many options or strategies. You just pick a stupid briefcase!" Edward said. He just don't like the aluminium foil on his head. "Fine Mr. Angry Repressed Vampire with Al Foil on his head! We will choose number 2 because that's the number that Carlisle had in his head," Alice said sweetly. Wow... she can really suck up to Carlisle can't she? Just so she can ditch the hat.

"Well... well. I wanna suck up to someone. Esme... you're smellin' absolutely devine if I do say so myself," Emmett said. Ergh... that sounds kind of suss. You have a son sniffing his mother. Hmmm.

"Quiet! Are you sure Team Ladies?" Carlisle asked and the girls nodded, "Very well. Briefcase 2 contains... 50 cents." Rose and Alice jumped up and down. This is awesome. The case with the lowest sum of money was now out of the way!

"Team Gentlemen. It is now your turn to pick your first case."

"Well where to begin... " Emmett murmured. "Let's just go with case 17," Jasper suggested. Is there some reason behind case 17? "Yes I agree... it's because its the age that Edward is and he still hasn't gotten any," Emmett added. Some day soon I will so kill Emmett myself with my VAMPIRE BARE HANDS! "Briefcase number 17 holds three hundred dollars," Carlisle said with a higher tone at the 'dollars' bit. "Well damn so far... holy crap! Where the hell is my burger from last year? I left it under this couch," Emmett said startled. What burger? Ew from last year. Moldy old burger. First possum and now this?

Ew!

**CPOV**

Well two whole hours of playing this game. I must admit that it is fairly funny watching the boys losing by a landslide as the girls dominated. Even so that neither team has taken the offers that Esme offers them to give up on their game. I think they are betting or something. It was like Battle of the Sexes meets Deal or no Deal, in which I have no idea why I put myself up to be the 'host' for. Gambling is bad, gambling is wrong... gambling is gambling. Me... likey. Great now I have a multiple personality disorder. The girls still had the top 4 briefcases left, 5 counting theirs, when the boys had knocked out 2 of the top 4. I know I'm a guy... but GIRL POWER RULES!

As weird as this may seem, I may need to go see a doctor to restore my sanity. I am soooo totally losing it because of Emmett and Jasper. Emmett being the weird one and Jasper being the emotional one which projects Emmett's weird emotions to me. They so have it in for me that it its not funny.. for me anyway. I must see when that bus to the end of the earth arrives so I can catch it and make my escape!

It was the girls turn. "Which briefcase do you choose next? Think carefully," I advised. Gee I sound so TV show like, too passive with a slight monotone. Alice was looking frustrated. Mwahahaha that vision-shielding device is working. Rosalie and Bella discussed their options for a few seconds."We choose briefcase 16!" They yelled together.

First enemies now finishing each others sentences. This is wacked out. I went to the briefcase in a slow walk and suspensely opened the case. "Carlisle dump the doctor attire! Be a host man. You so totally strut your stuff up to that suitcase! Catwalk model on the side!" Emmett yelled. Oh lord, I can't do anything normal without the commentary that Emmett does. "Emmett no," Esme said sternly. I love Esme so much. She's getting rewarded tonight... wink wink a wink. "Oh god! Carlisle mentla images! Ahhh... it burns!" Edward screamed and covered his eyes. Ain't going to do much help covering your eyes mind-reader son of mine.

"We are back from this commercial break. And... briefcase number 16 holds... 10 dollars! Still going good. The only 3 briefcases left standing for you girls are numbers 7, 14, and 21, and of course your own briefcase; 15," I said.

The girls including Esme were screaming and jumping up and down. Males will never understand the women gender. Even though Edward can read minds... except Bella's.

Jasper, Emmett and Edward were up next. Oh lord save us from their ways. I can only imagine how this is going to end up. EMMETT!

Emmett was sucking on his thumb, whilst Bella stared at him like he was on drugs. You're not fair from the truth Bella, not fair at all. "What? I get nervous... All this added pressure is so not good for my complexion," Emmett answered Bella's stare. OMC! Time to address them.

"Boys... Which do you choose next? Only 4 are left," I asked.

"Oh oh... I choose the silver one!" Emmett cried, "It's shiny and... and... shiny!"

"Emmett! They're all stinking silver! Jasper you choose. You're evil so you have the right mind frame for gambling today," Edward said. At last... a normal one. Must... praise... this.. son!

"Okay... we choose number 23," Jasper said hesitantly.

"And the money enclosed is... dun dun dun... 200 dollars."

"Oh damn! This is a conspiracy! Some good plans are ralling my evil plans!" Jasper yelled. Evil, evil son.

"Looks like the girls are going to win boys," Alice said smugly. "You just wait.. you... you SISTER!" Emmett said. "I am your sister ding bat."

"Bats? Where? Get them away from me! No I don't like zoos," Emmett screamed ducking for cover and ended up crashing into the white leather couch that Esme helped design. Seeing this, Esme twitched uncontrollably. They really have to stop wrecking the furniture. It seems really suspicious having to go back to furniture shops or online buying furniture once a week.

After another 10 minutes of bickering with each other and Emmett being weird the girls and boys were both down to two suitcases each. One left and their own. The girls had briefcase 14 left on the stand and 15 on the single stand to the right of Esme. The boys had briefcase 13 left and number 22.

Emmett circled the 'deal or no deal room' aka the Recreational Room.

"Ladies, time to see what you have won," I said, "Shall Esme open your briefcase?"

"Yes... YES!! Come on!" Rose squeeled.

Esme slowly opened it..."Hang on! The team with the highest winnings gets to boss around the losing team." Emmett stated. "We agree!" Bella said.

"Rosalie, Bella and Alice have won... 100 thousand dollars!" The boys either had 200 thousand dollars or one thousand dollars in their briefcase. "The time has come. What the boys have won will come after this brief interval," I smiled. At least I can put Emmett into suspsense.

"Wait... who put the money prices into the briefcases in the first place?" Emmett asked. Good question. "Ergh... no idea. Damn... Alice?" Jasper asked.

"Well you see... I ordered them specially online..." Alice said. You can order Deal or No Deal actual briefcases online? Wow the technology and stuff these days.

"THAT IS SO AWESOME! Can you order Blues Clues online?" Emmett asked. DAMN BOY!

"Yeah you can. I already ordered it!" Alice jumped up.

"Interval is now over. Boys in your briefcase there is... insert dramatic pause... 1 thousand dollars!" Esme yelled. **(A/N: The boys will never win anything I don't think.)** "Oh man! I was looking forward to Rose scrubbing my-" Esme interupted Emmett, "Emmett NO! I shall tape your mouth shut with six rolls of duct tape in a minute." She can duct tape me anytime baby anytime.

"OMG NOT AGAIN!" Edward dry sobbed.

"The winner takes it all!" Rosalie and Bella shouted together. I need to take some of my drugs!

"We shall start with you boys making us lunch," Alice said. What?

"Alice, Rose, you don't eat human food," Jasper said. "Well Mr. State the Obvious that was unbelievably uncalled for! My feelings are hurt!" cried Alice. The boys are in for it now!

I watched as they ran after the girls upstairs.

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**A/N: First full day of the holidays and I slept in till 11:08am. How was everyone's week? **

**Now I need a need a couple of ideas for next chapter. I currently have a basic idea for Chapter 18, no idea for Chapter 19, and then I do have an idea for Chapter 20. **

**Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Review, review, review and I shall post quicker during the week instead of once on a weekend. **

**Please review to make my day bearable as I face the wrath of the math textbook. **

**Only one person picked up one of the mistakes I made. That mistake was number 33: 10 times 10 does indeed equal 100 where in a previous chapter it was like number 684. **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_** pointed that out. The other mistake I will tell you in a review.**

**Here's a preview for Chapter 18: **_"Emmett... put the gun down! That was yesterday night,"_


	18. You've done What?

**Chapter 18: You've done What?**

**SORRY AGAIN GUYS! I KNOW I SAID I'D HAVE THIS OUT BY FRIDAY BUT MY FRIDAY WAS SPENT HAVING A CONFERENCE WITH THE TOILET! I HAD ONE OF THOSE 24 HOUR BUGS! IT SUCKS BECAUSE I NEVER GET SICK AND THEN I DID!**

**THEN I LAID DOWN FOR 18 HOURS! NOW MY STOMACH HURTS FROM THROWING UP NOTHING IN THE END! I'M A LITTLE BETTER AT LEAST!**

**Disclaimer: Who owns Twilight? Everyone knows it's not me.**

**A/N: Sorry about last chapter. This chapter is an apology chapter f or not posting chapter 17 on the weekend. How is everyone going though? Almost a week of my holidays has gone by. I should really study but I don't want to. I'm too addicted to fanfiction. **

**Now I have no idea what to do for Chapter 19. So that means I cannot update with it until I have an idea as a basis of the chapter. **

**Thanks to those who reviewed last chapter (In order): **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_bec_**(anon), **_Rachael Clare_**, **_briiittx xhc_** and **_Lady Saruman_**(who will review it soon! Shakes fist at her!)**

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**EsPOV**

A week had passed since the Cullen Family had starred in our own version of Deal Or No Deal and as you can believe... we're bored again. Even my darling husband Carlisle is bored. That's saying something. Though I think Emmett is getting to him. Two nights ago Emmett had Carlisle tied up in the kitchen with a bib on in a high chair as Emmett fed him Apple and Pear baby food with a Dora the Explorer spoon. Carlisle didn't stand a chance though he hardly tried to pull away... Emmett would have dragged Carlisle back again.

Oh how this family just shares the love. It amazes me to weird extends. But hang on... I detect boredom in my household and boredom often leads to the wrecking of furniture! Even though I do not have Jasper's empath abilities, boredom is very dense with us so I better stop them... namingly Emmett... from attacking my new coffee table after the one that I had to smash.

Just as I stepped off of the stairs I was bombarded by Emmett running up to me and hugging my legs, "ESME I'm bored again. Please find me entertainment. You're my mummy and I love you sooo much!" Sucking up eh? Well Esme Cullen has the perfect idea but first they shall all wait... except Alice and Edward cause of their stupid noisy abilities.

"I have an idea but first I want to make Bella's lunch. Then we shall play the game that I have picked out in my mind!" I said like a mother. Dang I'm good at it. "What do you want for lunch my dear?" I asked Bella. Bella looked at me blankly then burst out "CHOCOLATE!" Oh dear.

"No sweetie. Chocolate can come after lunch. You need something healthy first," I replied

"Fine I'll have a chicken, lettuce and mayo sandwich then," Bella replied normaly. Carlisle would be proud.

Once Bella had finished her two sandwiches we went into the Living Room where I would tell them my idea. Carlisle was tied to the couch as he hates the Living Room now. He even tried to spray Holy Water at the Living Room. Ironic that Isn't it? "Everyone here is my plan. It isn't original but at least it can be fun! Even Carlisle and myself will be playing. We are going to play the drinking game "I have never (insert the thing here)", I started. I even said the 'insert the thing here' to sound cool, "Though we will not be using means of alcohol to play with. Instead... if you have done it... you have to choke down a shot's worth of skittles in one go," I finished, "Any questions?"

Alice raised her hand, "Where are the skittles Esme?" Righteo the ammo is needed. "It is upstairs. I shall retrieve it." With that I ran upstairs in a motherly run but a vamprie motherly run. Coming back downstairs I tipped out a garbage full of 50 bags of skittles. Bella stared at the bnags on the floor with awe and then suddenly dived in them and rolled around.

"Ah do you think someone should stop her?" Carlisle asked. "Don't you mean stop them?" Alice replied. Oh great... now Emmett has joined in on Bella's rolling. "Nah let's give them a minute," Jasper said. Half an hour later they stopped and we decided to continue again. "Okay Alice. You can go first," I said. Everyone got a few shot glasses filled with skittles each lined up.

"Oh okay. Now lets see.I have never cursed in front of my mum," Alice said. Okay something simple. Everyone but Carlisle drank to this. **(A/N: No idea if they did or not in their human lives so meh)**.

"Okay that was simple. Start out with the NORMAL stuff," Carlisle said. "Oh right. We'll go in a clockwise direction so Jasper, you're next," I said. Rules rules rules. It was Jasper's turn now to say something he had never done. This was going to be good to see what everyone's actions were going to be after he had said it. It is highly amusing to see the the good old children choke down Skittles if they had done what the person hadn't.

Who would have thought some of the stuff that my 'seemingly innocent' children may had actually done. I was interupted with Rosalie ordering something to Emmett, "Emmett... put the gun down! That was yesterday night." Now why does Emmett have a gun? "Emmett why the gun?" I asked him. "Cause it is my precious. I named him Barney. We were doing a bit of... roleplaying last night... ergh Policeman giving a naughty lady a speeding ticket," Oh god couldn't he have lied? I do not need to know that!

"Well. Moving on. I have never done drugs," Jasper finally said. Well well well. We all turned to Emmett who instead of having a shot of skittles, grabbed a whole packet of them and downed it in one go. Haha its so true. "Well that was entertaining," Alice said. We then saw Carlisle have a shot. WTF? My husband has done drugs? What he is a doctor... so maybe he was just testing them?

"This is getting a little interesting," Edward said. Right my son

**RPOV**

Gee it so happens that it is my turn now. I'm going to say something completely SEX related to get this party started! Everyone was looking at me and waiting. I want to have a few turns at this though. "Could I have a few turns in a row because I have quite a few I that I want to see who has?" I asked sweetly to Esme.

She hesitated but finally agreed. Now I haven't done any of these... SO FAR... but I'm pretty sure a few here have done. "Okay here it goes. I have never had sex on an airplane." Alice and Jasper downed skittles to that. WHAT!? "I have never watched animals doing it." Edward choked down skittles to that. This is getting weirder.

"I have never kissed someone of the same gender." Esme swallowed a shot of skittles after I said that. Um...I think I may be mortally scarred. Better keep firing out the questions. "I have never made a sex tape." Jasper and Carlisle ate a shot to that! OMFG! "I have never fantasized about having sex with anyone besides my soul mate right here." You will never guess what happened next! Bella ate 2 shots of skittles and started getting high off of the sugar. We have a mucked up family.

I thought Emmett and I had the weirdest sex life possible but I think I need to re-evaulate that. "I have never crossdressed." Alice ate skittles. At least we're all learning about each other here right?

"Okay another one. I have never fried bacon on a Barbeyque whilst duck taping someone to a picnic table naked." Let's see who reacts to this. Jasper and Alice do again! SHEESH may need to have a video camera attached to them soon.

"Ergh okay I think I'm done. Scarred enough. It's all good now! Just going to be quiet in this corner," I said. It takes a lot to freak out Rosalie Hale but apparently it has been done as of now. I wonder what time it is anyway? Three pm? Hmm no... Two pm? Okay it's Emmett's turn now.

"Emmett you are after Rose. Now go please. We need to recover from... various... things," Esme urged Emmett to continue.

"Umm don't rush the Emmeister. Just let him do his thing. Okay I have never been to France... well I could of but part of the reason is that I wasn't allowed to after I attempted to do that... ergh... thing last decade." Gee that was pretty simple. I thought Emmett would have something better to come up with. Everyone here downed a shot except for Bella. Well we did have that holiday to France three years ago just before we came here. No wonder Emmett said he had... other business to attend to and he couldn't come. The truth is coming out now!

"Wait wait I also have another. Emmeister thinks hard! I have also never danced for 36 hours straight in a hula skirt believe it ro not," Emmett said proudly. He sounded smart there. Mwahaha.

I watched as Esme, Alice and Jasper all had some skittles. Well that was okay. But why Jasper? Jasper sensed everyone's confusement. "Alice made me," he said. Ah that explains all. No one goes against Alice.

**EmPOV**

Well this game seems to be getting the family to attempt weird avid truths about what goes on behind closed doors... or away from the family. It is fairly amusing and I love downing skittles like there is no tomorrow. Well... there will be a tomorrow! Hopefully. I don't think I want to be in the same room as Jasper who has seemed to do A LOT of things and Bella who's fantasised about other people. It's cause she's not getting any from Eddie weddie no doubt. _You're own fault my man!_ I thought directly to Edward.

This game would have to be priceless though. Even weirder than our Dare or Dare game though nothing can beat my shopping trip. Which reminds me... I still have that possum on a stick upstairs in the attic away from everyone. I even lick it again once in a while. Still tastes like possum. You should try it.

We were silent for a couple of minutes after I had my turn. Did the Emmeister leave everyone speechless? I have that effect on people. That is until Bella went all hyper. We have so much in commom, me and my little human sister. "OMG it's my turn next! So Happy that I can go! Dun dun dun!" Bella jumped up and down on her spot on the floor.

Everyone looked skeptical. I just looked totally AWESOME! Bella cleared her throat and began to open her mouth before she just shoved a skittle in her mouth. WTF? We all waited until she chewed and swallowed it. Bella opened her mouth again and Edward removed all her shots of skittles so she wouldn't eat them yet. It amazes me how 'bossy, overprotected, repressed Edward is actually letting her play. "I have never... lied about my age!" Bella giggled. Mwahaha that was hilarious.

Everyone but Bella downed a shot. I know why she picked that... cause we, as ultra sexy vampires had to lie about our age even though for example, Edward is a 90 year old repressed vampire but he goes by the age of 17! Then everyone started laughing. Such a weird situation. I feel the obsessive need to go and drink some alcohol. Too bad we don't keep any in the house after last month when me and Jasper got Bella partially drunk.

Well... don't go there. Because we don't know where 'there' as Bella was talking about some mystical faraway land with rainbows. I've been there once though. There's lots of pink! We all calmed down... because Jasper had to go and be a party pooper and calm everyone down with his emotional power.

This was blast and a half which reminded me again of something. Must remove that ticking time bomb from the fuse box at Mike's house and instead do something else... like give him a Bella life size doll... wait no a Jasper or Edward life size doll. He's meant to be gay so I could even give him both! He'd be in heaven. Edward growled due to my thoughts. _You love it Edward. Having some guy have a life size doll of you in his room_. I guffawed to myself.

"Edward's turn! Let's all listen. It's going to be simple! Everyone but Bella get's to eat to this!" Alice said cheerfully. Well count me in... I love to eat skittles! And roll in them! Edward cleared his throat and started, "Okay might as well go for the obvious. I have never... had sex."

OMG!! Hahaha Alice was right... brilliant. Quite amusing if I do say so myself. Everyone gulped down 2 shots instead of the required one. Just to rub it in I guess. Though Eddie loves it... I can tell. Attention seeking... IN BED! Hehe Edward just sighed and watched Bella. Pedophile much?

**JPOV**

Way totally out man... the room is spinning after Edward's turn. So many emotions. It feels like I've taken drugs... now how would I know what you feel like after you do drugs. One word... Emmett. I can't be in the same country after he's found some way to access Carlisle's cabinet. Though he hasn't now for a month due to the lock. Still can't figure out that he's a vampire and can just break the lock off. Though it is funny to watch him trying to pick the lock with one of Alice's diamond pins. Then watching Alice chase Emmett around the house and then Esme joining in because they wrecked a piece of furniture.

Edward soon joins in when Emmett makes a smart remark in his thoughts about Bella, Carlisle joins in to try and keep everyone normal. Rosalie soon joins the chase after figuring out that the pin was actually hers. Bella comes last just to join in on the fun. It stops when Bella falls over but soon starts again with Edward and Emmett as Emmett laughs at Bella being clumsy. Quite amusing.

Seeing as I sense anger, lust, love, amusement, excitement, annoyance and joy in the room I may have to leave if we don't hurry up soon. We only had Carlisle and Esme to say their "I have never..." thingo. Well this should be fun... and evil! I bet they're feeling evil getting to know what their children are doing. All part of Esme's plan me thinks. Well one thing leads to another. It's getting a little laid.

Esme went next seeing as she was setting next to Edward's left. Going clockwise. "Okay well I have never shoplifted." She said. I wonder who has? Watching I only saw one person eat skittles. It wasn't Alice... it was Carlisle. Deep dark secrets eh? When the hell did he shoplift? He obviously noticed our stares. "Oh come on... one time! I left my credit card at home and I wanted those shoes! Shoot me!" Carlisle said. Emmett got up and grabbed his gun, Barney. "Okay I will. Just let me feed Barney with some ammo first," he said. "Emmett no! Sit! Carlisle the shoplifter still has to go." Esme said sternly.

Only one more to go and that was Carlisle... and relax. Carlisle breathed in and then out. "I have never... eaten cheese!" he said. What kind of confession is that? Well at least it wasn't something about never having a nomal family. I watched and saw that Edward had taken a shot! WTF?

"OKAY THAT'S IT! TO THE KITCHEN! YOU TWO ARE TRYING CHEESE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Bella ordered the two of them. More amusement now!

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**A/N: Can I ask a question to the Americans: See I'm from Australia and I want to know what ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH is. Can you help me out?**

**I've just read fanfictions that mention it and stuff like 92 percent of people would jump off a cliff if it said so.**

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**Ah and I'm starting to think that no one loves me anymore except for my faithful reviewers that review like every chapter of mine. Please tell me how my story is going. It only takes less than a minute to review. **

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**ANY IDEAS FOR CHAPTER 19? ILL GIVE OUT A BASIC CHAPTER 19 PREVIEW THAT COULD BE INCLUDED IN WHATEVER IDEA I COME UP WITH SO I MAY BE A LITTLE WHILE REPLYING BACK TO YOUR REVIEWS.**

**I do accept anon reviews also. If you leave your email address I even email you the title and EXTENDED preview to that address.**

**Reply to BEC's anon review from last chapter: Edward read Carlisle's mind and the other's mind before he had to wear the aluminium foil.**

**i have never dressed up as a monkey and started dancing to the backstreet boys**

**i have never pated a hobo**


	19. Wrath of the Nintendo Wii

**Chapter Nineteen: Wrath of the Nintendo Wii**

**Disclaimer: Twilight equals not mine. I do however own a Nintendo Wii, all mentioned games (except the Hannah Montana game) and this laptop in which the 'R' key is now working.**

**A/N: I am back once again! Thank you all for your reviews. You make me smile... more! A few new people reviewed which made me exceptionally happy too especially when it's cold, hailing and raining this afternoon and when I should be studying (guilty).**

**I HAVE CHAPTER 20 WRITTEN AS WELL... IT IS A LIST OF 100 STUPID THINGS EMMETT CULLEN HAS DONE IN THE PAST... SOME REFER TO PREVIOUS CHAPTERS AND OTHERS DON'T. IF YOU WANT IT OUT EARLY THEN NEXT WEEKEND PLEASE REVIEW AND YOU SHALL! FIFTEEN REVIEWS IN 2 DAYS WILL GET YOU IN AT THE END OF THE SECOND DAY!**

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**Thank you to everyone how reviewed last chapter! Keep it up and you should seriously get Chapter 20 out by tomorrow! In order: **_Rachael Clare(x3)_**, **_lovelyshakirababe_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_Blu Sorceress 92_**, **_jellydogt_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_VaMpIrE gIrL 29_**, **_Music of the heart_**, **_briiittx xhc_** and **_Lady Saruman_**.**

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**RPOV**

What would happen if you had a bored husband, two other deranged 'brothers', a sister, a human, adoptive parents and yourself? It is depressing.. let me tell you that now. I know that we all get bored like every week but it is something that cannot be stopped... unless we weren't actually bored.

It has come upon myself... as Rosalie Hale to think up an idea to beat this boredoom. Unlease a force at it... of... non boredom. I never come up with the ideas so I want to surprise everyone with an idea that will get us some energy.

At this very moment Alice is rearranging her closet for the sixth time this morning and it's only 7am, Emmett has Jasper upside down on the kitchen table, Bella is eating breakfast on the kitchen table watching the two of them, Edward is in the corner rocking backwards and forwards about the voices in his head, Carlisle is next to Edward also rocking exclaiming about normal families, Esme is baking muffins and I am brushing my hair in the bedroom.

You know, I still haven't recovered from last weeks ordeal. The game "I have never..." has been banned from being played IN the Cullen house. Though Emmett secretly wants to play it in the backyard because Esme only said IN the house... not the perimeter of our property. I've been keeping an extra eye on Jasper. Can't trust the evil, quiet ones. Well I actually get Emmett to stalk Jasper. He likes it because he gets to dress up in black and carry around a toy gun that cost two dollars fifty.

Anyways... back to the thinking process. There is one thing that we haven't played in a while. It's just been sitting in the Recreational Room for about six weeks now. We've all just seemingly ditched the Nintendo Wii two days after Alice bought it on the internet along with several games such as Wii Sports, Super Paper Mario, some racing game, a few fighting games, Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock, The Simpsons, Wii Fit and for some reason a Hannah Montana dance along one. Don't ask... it's Jasper's.

I know that it doesn't seem like a great idea but we can make it fun. Taking turns versing each other in games, the boys betting on people winning and they end up fighting and Carlisle just on looking.

This could create some fun if you think about it as I thought before.

"Everyone let's have some family bonding time," I said while putting my hairbrush down and made my way downstairs. "Why though? It better be fun or I will unleash flour on you!" Emmett stated with a surprisingly serious tone. Why did I marry him?

"It will end up being fun... and amusing," Alice said with a wink. Stupid pixie and not telling us what is going to happen and she gets the kick out of it. Must remember to challenge her to a match. Best two out of three for a showdown on the front lawn over those red shoes we keep fighting over.

"As you may be aware... we have not played the Nintendo Wii for around six weeks now. The time has come to face the wrath that the Wii has over us again. Together we will defeat it!" I said.

I had the whole family look at me as I just proclaimed the Nintendo Wii to be evil. "What Jasper is rubbing off on me. We DO have the same last name you know," I defended myself. Jasper coughed on a muffin that Esme had finished baking, "Hey don't bring me into this.. I AM NOT EVIL!"

he said. "Oh shush... we all know you are," Edward said. "Oh BLAST!," Jasper said and then walked into the kitchen muttering about sun machines.

"He'll be back... he always does. Except for the time he fell into that big ditch Emmett dug out the far back corner. Emmett why was that there?" Esme asked. Emmett shifted. "You'll never know!" he replied. **(A/N: Chapter 20 reveals it)**. "Let's get a gaming!" Carlisle jumped up and clapped his hands. "Carlisle... did you manage to open your own drug cabinet? Shoplifted panadol?" Alice asked. "Oh I'm never going to live those down am I?" We shook our heads. Too funny to forget.

**APOV**

Oh fantastic! We're going to play the Nintendo Wii. Many things will come out of this family bonding time... and many things won't come out if you catch my foreshadowing drift. I can see what will happen and I can tell you... you may possibly, depending on your current mood and sense of humour, laugh. Emmett and Jasper were fighting over who got to use the Wii Remote that had the red silicon covering. Boys... will be boys. Though not in Edward's case. "Guys guys do not fight! Why the hell do you fight over that? It's just a red cover!" Carlisle said. "It's not just red... it's a RED silicon remote cover! I mean... the possibilities are endless," Jasper said.

"Never fear! Carlisle dear. Esme has the answer," Esme came back into the REC room with another red silicon case the exact same as the other one. Jasper came over and hugged the cover and eyed everyone in the room. Now I know how Rose feels. Why did I marry Jasper? "Let's just get playing. We do have four remotes. Who wants to go first?" Carlisle offered. Jasper and Emmett put their hands up. Perfect... plan is a worken'.

After a few minutes of arguing the boys had decided on what game to play. Actually Rosalie decided for them after she screamed at Emmett to pick or no bed for a week. He soon agreed to Jasper after that. Doesn't want to be under no bedroom arrest again does he? It's not fun... I should know... Jasper wasn't allowed in for two weeks once because he dumped my shopping bags on the floor at the Mall! Jasper chose to play Bowling on Wii Sports.

Each had took turns to bowl... Emmett was surprisingly winning so far. The score was 98 to 86. He wasn't winning by much but the best was yet to come. Everyone was watching them battle it out and Bella was commentating while eating butter popcorn. We actually have popcorn in our house? Wow.. you do learn something new everyday. It smells disgusting though. Hang on... why was Jasper muncing on a muffin earlier on? I need to get him a bloody teething ring if this keeps up.

Another few minutes had passed by and they were each on their last bowl thingo. Jasper and Emmett had both spared the tenth one and got that free one after in which you get one shot at to see how many pins you knock down and then that gets added to your score. Jasper was up first and he took a step back and bowled like a professional. That's why I love him. He ended up knocking down eight of the pins which got his score around five above Emmett's. So that means Emmett had to get a four or less to lose the game. Emmett was in the corner getting pumped up. "Emmett your turn," Esme said. She is always like our game scorer reminder person. Even though the Wii keeps your score.

"I was just getting pumped! Can't rush this stuff," Emmett said taking a spot on the floor. He raised his arm backwards quite far up! This is it... this is the amusing bit! He lowered his hand down for the swing and ...

BAM!

The remote had flung out of Emmett's hand and hit the back wall behind the tv and became demented. **(A/N: True story with me though only the battery fell out)** Bella and Carlisle were on the ground laughing. I was resting my hands on my knees. It may not sound that funny but it sure as hell looked funny. Emmett had his eyes closed and everything with a determined look on his face. More like a constipated scrunched up look. "Did I win?" He asked opening an eye.

"Ah... no quite the opposite. The wall won," Rose said. Emmett looked confused then spotted the remote banged up on the ground. "Oh my god... it looks like squirrel," Emmett proclaimed. Wait! He doesn't care he just smashed a remote on the wall and lost to Jasper? "Ah it does look like a squirrel... a squirrel thats been under some serious drugs and then run over," Edward said. "Don't say that!" Emmett defended the remote, "It's okay Mr. Wiiremotegonesquirrellike," he cooed to the remote.

"Anyone for tennis?" Esme asked.

**CPOV**

Well... that Emmett episode was very... intruging and actually pleasantly amusing. This family does have it's upsides. Which is having a laugh every few minutes due to something one of the kids does. Mainly Emmett but still funny. The whole family had just seen Emmett smash a Wii Remote into the wall... accidenty probably on purpose... who knows. Everyone but Emmett and Jasper were in hysterics.

Emmett was too busy with the remote and Jasper had commenced hugging the Red Silicon remote he used."Well... I guess that's why they have that disclaimer thing about wearing those wristbands when you put the disc in," Alice said absently. Probably in one of her not normal visions about what's going to happen next in this Wrath of the Nintendo Wii. "Moving on... come on... someone play tennis with me.

I wanna wack that ball!" Esme yelled. Sugar getting to my wife? Hyper Esme is a little scary when we're alone. "YAY! I'll play with you! I love tennis... it involves hitting stuff... and this time I don't think I can get hurt?" Bella said but the ending sounded like a question. That and she's on a sugar high again because of the popcorn.

I swear that that girl can get high on air! Remind myself to test that theory if you can actually get high off of air... then I shall be rich! Well we already are thanks to Alice and Edward. "Okay now get your Mii out that you made six weeks ago and let's battle. Bella you are so going down," Esme said enthusiastically.

After sorting out the technicalities of how many games you want Esme and Bella finally started playing. It turned out seemingly innocent but then Bella accidently hit herself. Emmett was literally on the floor laughing. He was rolling too hard that he was starting to wear the floor away. He better stop or Esme may kill him... again... and then make him fix up the hole.

After ten minutes of intense tennising Bella and Esme were amazingly tied at a deuce; 45 to 45. It is kind of amusing watching your wife and future step daughter playing Wii Sport together n a heated game. Just then the next best thing happened. While Esme was going at it Bella just knelt down to the Wii Console and started talking to it. **(A/N: Friend did that one night).**

Apparently she named it 'Kevin' and was asking how his day was. Man that girl must be extremely high. Emmett had gone beyond hysterically laughing... and beyond the floor. Esme is not going to like that. Though she did end up winning the Tennis Tournament winning three out of the five tennis games her and Bella had.

"Someone may want to get Bella some water and throw it on her or something. I don't think it's healthy for her to think the Nintendo Wii is living and can answer back to her," Alice said. Bella had actually thought that the Wii had replied and now asked him what was his favourite time of day. "I'm on it," Edward said and went to the kitchen.

"Bring Kevin a donut Edward," Bella yelled.

**EPOV**

I don't think we should let Bella eat any sugar or at least limit it to like a very minimal amount each day. I must admit... I'm a little freaked out about Bella talking to the Console... and a little jealous. Geez stupid fiance jealousy act! I'm going mad! All these voices in my head don't help me. Jasper was plotting his escape with the remote, Emmett was still laughing on the ground under the house, Rosalie was about to verse Carlisle in Cooking Mama and Esme was wondering what to do about her floor.

I got a glass.. better make that a plastic cup... out of the cupboard and filled it with water for Bella to drink. Get some normal liquids into her. I shouldn't have let her have creaming soda. That stuff is a death sentence for a sugar high person. Sugar high garuanteed should be written on the label of the can. Walking back into the Recreational Room Rose and Carlisle had decided what to cook. Something simple and American to start off with; the hamburger.

Though it wasn't that simple. You had to mince up the meat, add the seasoning, roll it into balls, cook the patties, cut up the bun, lettuce, tomatoes and cheese etc. They were only up to the seasoning bit. I remember playing this game six weeks ago. I kind of... erh... sucked at cooking. It's not my fault! I don't cook human food. So this game may be a little pointless.

"Come on Carlisle... show that salt and pepper who's boss," Esme cheered. I think Esme may be a litle high on the air too. Is there something in the air? I picked Bella up and put her on one of the couches and gave her the water. She bit her lip and looked over at the Console that was just sitting on the table next to the TV out of harms way now in case Emmett stepped on it. Finally she started drinking.

I engrossed in watching Bella for a minute there until Alice's thoughts pulled me out of my trance. _OMC this is it! Carlisle is going to muck up!_ she thought to herself. I smiled to myself and turned to watch the game. Rose and Carlisle were now cooking a patty each. Directions came on in a blue line on the screen, either turning the temperature up, shaking the pan or flipping the burger.

A 'FLIP' was up next. "Come on baby! Flip and I'll be nice!" Rose coaxed the burger. Yeah... nice my ancient vampire butt. Though Rosalie can have her moments. I focusesd back on the TV just in time to see Carlisle and Rose flip their patty. Rose's landed straight back in and she cheered while Carlisle's patty disappeared off the screen and came back a second later and hit the counter on the right side. He flipped it too high and hard! AHAHAHAHA that is so funny! (A/N: Yep happened to me also). "Oh... it's not my fault! Normal pattys don't do that," Carlisle defended himself though it wasn't working. "Actually Carlisle that does happen... I should know... I'm the human," Bella replied. At least the sugar high is wearing out.

"Well... I'm going to my quiet place!" Carlisle shouted. "Don't steal anything while you're there!" Jasper yelled back causing Emmett, who just got up from the hole, to double over in laughter and make another hole.

"Emmett... you know what to do," Esme said.

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**A/N: I'm taking time out of trying to study for exams on Thursday just to write you all this chapter. So please be thankful and review me. You will be rewarded with Chapter 20 by Thursday at the latest... but before then if I do get over 15 reviews. Shouldn't be too hard? I got 14 for last chapter.**

**Also... what are the ratings about? I had no idea really when I created this story as Australia has different ratings. Is the 'T' rating suited for this story or do I need to go 'K' or 'K plus'? Whatever they mean?**

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**Well anyway... I did need a break... otherwise I would have ripped my textbooks all up.**

**Plus I'll give you the title 2 stupid things Emmett has done from the list if you review. Here's one to get you going.**

**Preview: **_Number 31: Intimidated a piece of chalk._


	20. Emmett Cullen the Great

**Chapter Twenty: Emmett Cullen the Great**

**Disclaimer: If I own the World, I own Twilight, but I don't own the world so NO!**

**A/N: Well now... here is the list of 100 stupid things Emmett McCarty Cullen has indeed done in his vampire life. As I said before, some relate back to previous chapters (there are quite a few you'd recognise) and others are stuff he' done 'behind the scenes'.**

**It actually took me a little while to think up this list of stupid things Emmett has done. I don't know why but appreciate it please and review me so my troubles have not gone to waste!**

**It makes me happy! **

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**ALSO IT WAS MY FIRST DAY BACK AT SCHOOL TODAY! AH IT SUCKS AGAIN... AND I HAVE EXAMS IN 2 DAYS SO PLEASE APPRECIATE THIS CHAPTER AND WISH ME GOOD LUCK. (esp with drama) I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO POST THIS WEEKEND BUT I WILL TRY MY HARDEST! Can we make it to 305 reviews?**

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**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. (In Order): **_klutzygirl34_**_,_ **_half awake rachael_**, **_briiittx xhc_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_Lady Saruman_**, **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_Hey Girl Hey!_**, **_Music of the heart_** , **_Rachael Clare_** and **_Cheese_** _(anon)_**

_Okay now remember this is a list. Hopefully this time the numbers have decided to be included in this chapter unlike in Chapter 16 where the numbers didn't work_

**Stupid Things Emmett Cullen has done**

Challenged Edward to a duel and lost miserably

Watched a flower grow for two whole weeks straight

...then ate that flower... six times over

Stole an airport buggy, drove it around, then found another and drove both at the same time

Posed naked in the middle of a roundabout at 3pm when all the school buses were coming around

Dressed up in a bear suit and started break dancing

Sky dived... without a plane

Called Rosalie fat

Found a possum and put it on a stick

Licked mentioned possum

Went all spy-like just to steal a lollypop when they were free

...felt guilty about stealing the lollipop so turned himself into the police

Ordered a microwave over the Police Radio

Then changed his order to a big freezer

Captured a live deer for a HUMAN food fight

Tried to make green eggs and ham but turned out with green legs and spam

Created a couch army

Attempted to steal a child

... and then attempted it again a few weeks later

Taken lots of drugs out of Carlisle's Medicine Cabinet

... and fed some to the toilet

... then blamed it on the non existent cat we have

Lighted Alice's hair on fire

Ate 748 bags of skittles, threw it back up, stared at the room now smothered in the skittles then ate it again until Esme told him to sit

Had a staring contest with the wall

Wrote the GUY principal a Valentines card and signed his name!

Dressed as a Llama

Washed all the trees in the backyard and named them

Tried to use the toilet

Tried to sleepwalk

Intimidated a piece of chalk

Flirted with all the appliances in the house including the blender

Tried to see how long he could stay awake for

Robbed the mailbox

Pretended he was Bigfoot

Abused the furniture

Seduced the JEEP

Had a breathing contest with a fish

Opened the car door while going really fast and jumped out to see if he could fly

Drove really fast in the car again but this time to see if he could time travel... instead wound up around a tree

Eaten an echidna

Bought 'France' from a hobo for 400,000 dollars

Put 61 metal spoons in the microwave and turned it on

Blew off the front door of the house

Broke into someone's house, made a sandwich then left again.

Went to Woolworths with clothes on and came back with cheese and NOTHING else

Wore someone's PE shorts and pulled them up to his neck and used the drawstrings as a halter.

Tried to defy gravity by building a gravity defyer machine!

Once tried to connect to the internet for two hours until Alice told him that the first step for successful internet connection is to switch the modem on.

Attempted to lick his elbow but instead banged his head on the roof

...then decided to just lick his pillow because it looked like a giant marshmallow

Used sixty bottles of hair gel to get Rosalie's hair in a mohawk when she was busy doing her nails

... ran like the wind when she was chasing him afterwards only to run into a glass door

Ate the house phone

Wrapped himself COMPLETELY in christmas lights and called himeslf the 'Christmas Light Mummy'

Sang Karaoke at a Bar, dancing on the table, without a karaoke set

Said the same word for a whole week. Nothing but that damn word

Tried to fit into Rosalie's jeans.. failed that and attempted with ALL of her jeans

Experimented with bubblegum... need I say more?

Dressed as a macho fairy and skip down to the La Push boundary

Strike up a conversation with the fridge

Pretend to be Tarzan on a Pine Tree

Joked about Edward's repressiveness

... then joked about Bella's clumsiness

Repeatedly saying 'hi' to some stranger at the supermarket

Stalked the mailman... failed miserably

Ate a monkey

Saved the world... one ant at a time

Drove a semi truck full of cheese and an Alice Cullen

Became a model modelling dresses

One word... SQUIRRELS

Sat on the stairs for a day

Made all traffic lights stay green

Attempted to dig to China

Tackled the ocean

Made a mud pie and ate it

Mini golfed with a super bouncy ball

Wanted to figure out how flammable jelly (jello) is

Multitasked baking cookies, reading, talking on the phone and yelling... wasn't pretty

Tried to grow a tail

Copied stunts off of the Jackass movies. He is now not allowed to watch them

Linked 9838 paperclips together

Stole the welcome mat off of Mike's house

Made a video about Edward's repressive state and showed it to the school at assembly

Make believed he had a friend that was a supercalifragalisticespialadosious **(A/N: No idea if that is the correct spelling)**

Set fire to himself and claimed himself the 'Flaming Fire Man'

... then realised that he is a vampire and fire is a no-no for them and rolled on the ground

Convince everyone at school that he was a vampire. Luckily no one believed him

Convinced them later he was a werewolf

Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool and went to see if Rosalie would drown herself to see herself in the mriror

Sat on a sword

Learnt to swear colourfully in 51 different languages... then taught the freshmans these words **(A/N: Trying to have it American so you Americans can understand. Anyone wanna help me with the American school systems?)**

Wanted to see how many styrofoam cups he could eat. It was 23

Messed with Alice's closet

Started a seeing eye dog business with blind dogs

Confessed undying love for that old lady that lives in their closest

... she confesssed back and Emmett ran away

Talked through sock puppets for two whole years.

Played Russian Rullet with an atomatic

Dressed as a skimpy cat for Halloween with makeup by himself... Alice didn't force him!

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**A/N: Hehehe hope you all enjoyed reading SOME of the stupid things Emmett has done. The list could be endless... well not really cause eventually I'll run out of ideas... review with your favourite thing Emmett has done. I have a few personal favourite ones in there that I particularly liked that actually had me laughing while I typed it out. **

**I'd like to thank **_Rachael Clare_**, **_briiittx xhc_**, **_klutzygirl34 _**and **_Music of the heart_** for all their ideas****through MSN and PM's at random times.And special thanks to** _Lady Saruman_** for giving me LOADS via email. THANK YOU!**

**OKAY NOW... WOULD YOU ALL LIKE MORE LISTS? LIKE A LIST EVERY 5 OR 10 CHAPTERS? ANY SPECIFIC KINDS? LIKE OF CARLISLE OR ALICE?**

**REVIEW ME OR PM ME ANYTIME!**

**I have BIG A/Ns! Want me to cut them down? **

**Preview for Chapter 21: **"Now now Emmett... where on earth did you get that spade?'


	21. Cooking Lessons 101

**Chapter Twenty One: Cooking Lessons 101**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.. otherwise I would have visited the set of the movie and met all the cast and gotten their autograph**

**A/N: Thank you everyone who reviewed! We've broken the 300 mark and my goal for the last chapter! You all made me happy throughout the last few days with exams. I HAVE FINISHED MY EXAMS... that is why there was a delay on this chapter. That and I seriously couldn't think of anything to write in this chapter. WRITER'S BLOCK!**

**Then I am free for 2 weeks until I have School Certificate exams... so close together.**

**OH GUESS WHAT?! I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SAYING THIS BUT IN JUST UNDER TWO WEEKS IM GOING TO SEE BILLY ELLIOT ON STAGE! SO EXCITED!**

**Excellent break after having exams... it's for drama but requires us to leave quite early in the morning. Enough of me talking I think... my A/Ns are usually very long so I'll try and cut down.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter. You made my week more pleasant. (In order): **_Lady Saruman_**, **_Lovelyshakirababe_**, **_Rachael Clare_**, **_Klutzygirl34_**, **_3 Christine 3_**(anon), **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_do-the-hokey-pokey...weird_**(anon), **_La tua Cantante101_**, and **_Briiittx xhc_**,**

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**BPOV**

We were all home again at the Cullen's House. Why can't we meet at my house? It's always their place. At least I have all of my original furniture. Emmett has destroyed at least everything once that all of the new furniture in the LoungeRoom, REC room and kitchen are less than a year old.

Alice had be tied to a random chair in the house whilst playing Bella Barbie. You seriously don't want to know how many chairs these people...vampires have. Why do they need them? They can stand up all day without their feet falling asleep. It's such a conspiracy of the chairs! Too many of them. Alice had been going at my hair now for two hours. She wanted to make it look like a pineapple because she has Hawaii on her brain. My stomach let out a loud growl. WOOH I'M HUNGRY AND THEY'RE NOT! Wait... maybe they are. Jasper has black eyes. Eep!

Edward came running in a second later after my stomach wanted to be noticed and fed. "Bella! It's lunch! Time to eat... erh... tomato sauce and peas?" He said at first then turned it around as a question. "I want a pie! A hot meat pie with tomato sauce!... and hot chips with chicken salt!" I replied. I'm in the mood for some greasy food! No idea why... unless I'm hungry... now that's an idea why.

"I want to have fun and watch you all suffer! ... while I eat my lunch. Now meeting in the KITCHEN, CARLISLE, in 5 minutes...," I yelled cause I can and then mumbled, "...because Alice has to untie me from this device called a CHAIR!" What a weird word! Almost as weird as Edward's nickname I gave him. Mr Godfather! Ah... I was high that day.

Alice untied me eventually and I made my way downstairs... by myself! I feel so proud! I didn't fall flat on my face and had a staring competition with the floor. Everyone was already in the kitchen... and in Emmett's case, in the fridge. Don't ask how he got in there. I have got noooo idea. But it's Emmett... he's cool! Shut up Bella. Time to get the ball rolling.

"Okay as you all have most likely heard due to your stupid sensitive vampire hearing... I'm hungry! So I have a challenge for the guys. Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett AND Edward, I want you to make me dinner of you choice to see how well or not you can cook human food and so I can eat if afterwards. Hopefully it is edible. WAIT! If it's not and I'm dying due to a carroll being intoxicated or something, Edward will have to change me so PUT SOME BAD DRUGS IN IT OR SOMETHING!" I smiled thinking of my evil plan where Edward can't hear me.

Edward sighed when he ehard that. Shut up vampire fiance. "Bella I don't think this is wise, practical or safe," Edward listed on his fingers. "Don't forget normal... you gotta love normal!," Carlisle inputted. "Cooking is so normal! Even cook offs slash lessons that I'm going to make you to like on that TV show, Ready Steady Cook. It has a tomato and a capiscum fighting against each other!" I stated.

Carlisle looked smug that the family was beginning to do soemthing normal. "Now the rules because I feel like it and it's my idea. One; you have until 7pm to finish my dinner dish, haha alliteration. Two; you can use anything in the kitchen but nothing beyond except from the lovely garden Esme has, it's GREEN! But only she can access it. You boys, EMMETT, will trample over it and ruin poor Remus the Yellow Rose. And three; minimal butter used cause I don't like butter. If you want to be nice you can also try a dessert with SUGAR!" I finished with a deep breath.

"Excellent idea me thinks," Alice said. "We think so too," Esme and Rosalie chimed in. Mwahaha the girls are with me too... even Rose. "Let's get to it. I'll eat some lunch while watching them. Care to watch too ladies?" I asked. The three vampire women nodded their head in reply. Excellent again!

**EsPOV **

Oh how funny it was to watch the guys attempt to discover what a mixing bowl is. I know what it is because Bella taught me and I learnt to cook for her! I feel so proud of myself... Carlisle has to suck it up without having any help. I think I may evil laugh. Blasted Jasper. "Mwahahaha!" I said on the kitchen table. Everyone but Emmett stared at me. He was too busy MAKING a mixing bowl

His idea was to get a china bowl and add little propellers. Weird son.

It was two pm so the boys had 5 hours to cook a dinner for Bella. It really isn't that hard... for humans! Each had set up their own little 'work stations' on some kitchen bench that they started claiming. Jasper even jammed a little 'Jasper' flag into the bench leaving a mark. Tsk tsk. Discipline is in dire need.

Carlisle was getting into the spirit of cooking normally that he had started twirling and dancing around the kitchen to get certain ingredients. Never seen him like this before... except for that one time a decade or so ago... amusing! It was now decided that Carlisle was going to make chicken and potatoes, Jasper was making lasagna, Emmett was ATTEMPTING pizza and Edward was fighting with the spaghetti to make Spaghetti Bolognese.

It's absoutely amazing to see them cook. It was almost three in the afternoon and they were just beginning to pre-prepare their ingredients like peeling the potatoes and cutting vegetables. Edward had used the handle end of the knife to cut up the onion and then blamed it as the knife's fault for not telling him. Now he thinks kives can talk.

Suddenly Emmett burst out, "I had a random dream last night!" Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and Bella choked slightly on a carrot and Alice helped Bella breath again. Bella glared at Alice for having to save her. "What the hell Emmett... vampires can't have dreams... unless it was a day dream. Was it?" Rose asked. "No it was a night dream! I remember... wait?" Emmett replied.

"Emmett no! We can't sleep," Jasper piped in. "OH MY GOD! THEN WHAT THE HELL DID I DO FOR SEVEN HOURS OF MY LIFE IN WHICH I DON'T REMEMBER?" Emmett yelled. Vampires are supposed to remember everything in their vampire life. I should know... Carlisle told me one night. "Erh this may actually be bad... this isn't supposed to happen," Carlisle said in his sexy doctor voice that I know and love. "Nah Emmett was probably just extremely high. Lots of crack does that... apparently," Edward said, "Not that I know that or anything." I saw his eyes dart around avoiding meeting anyone's elses. NOT MY EDWARD TOO! "Why!" I cried out.

"Human food industries think up pretty weird names for their products and brands. Hahaha what kind of a word is 'flour'? It sounds like 'flower' but spelt differently. Then they have the brand name 'Black and Gold' with black and YELLOW package designing," Jasper said whilst using flour? Do you use flour in lasanga? I have no clue.. never made it.

"Well it is a song... a pretty catchy song. I love songs... and music! Gotta love the letter 'M'. It's the word of the week!" Carlisle said. "Erh... too much Sesame Street?" Edward asked. "Nope gotta love the letter 'M'!" Carlisle replied. We all left him to his insane state and watched them get back to cooking lessons or making... whatever.

**JPOV**

We've been at it for three hours now! This is a shame to us MANLY MEN out there. Plus this lasagna has totally ruined my complextion. I have human food all over... though it does taste nice... well I can't actually taste the specific taste but dirt tastes nice and human food comes in all weird forms and shapes. So utterly amusing I find it. Can't beat Vampire Comedy. Already Emmett has had to start over again a few times. Flour and him just don't mix.

"Erh... guys. What happens when flour suddenly engolfs your mixing bowl?" Emmett asked. He poured too much flour into the bowl again... for the sixth time. He keeps asking that. It's funny cause of the way he says it. "Emmett... it only says to use two cups of flour. Not a whole one kilogram bag of it," Bella laughed out again. (A/N: What is the American measuring system for that?) I turned back and noticed that my lasagna was on the verge of just being CHEESEagna.

Though I plan to sabotage Carlisle's dinner maybe.., because I am so evil. His chicken and potatoes are in the oven right now and he's with Esme and the girls in the LoungeRoom (by force i might add) to watch "Desperate Housewives' for some reason. On another note, my day has been averagely average. Not every day we have independent cooking lessons... without a teacher. Which totally stuffs up the meaning of the word 'lesson'.

Edward was going fine as well... despite the fact that the erh ceiling has spaghetti stuck to it. Like when the pancake gets stuck up there... but this time it's SPAGHETTI! How cool is that? Not very I don't think. I just think it is because it's spaghetti... it looks like grass... but a creamy yellow colour. The only reason I know this is because Alice makes me memorise colour charts so that I can help her. It's my so called 'education'. Kil me please!

Edward's spaghetti was simming in the pot and Emmett was kneeding his dough far away in the corner because he didn't trust the flour packet this time. There's another thing Emmett is afraid of. FLOUR! So he won't see my EVIL plan of turning up the temperature of the oven to burn Carlisle's chicken. It's just for fun. I tiptoed to the oven and turned it up from 200 degrees celcius **(A/N: 392 degrees farenheit? Don't know the actual temp for cooking chicken.)** to 280 degrees (536 F) and then tiptoed back to my cheesy lasagna.

I could sabotage Edward's as well but I am just too bothered at the moment. Cooking is very tiring... that or it could be all the freaking LUST I feel from Edward and Bella. I put my lasagna in the second oven... we have two! No idea why... and then headed out to the Lounge Room too because I felt lonely. Now only Emmett was left putting on the tomato paste onto his base. Well half goes in his mouth. He's got a new found fedish for tomatoes.

**EmPOV**

_Sunshine lollipops and rainbows. Everything thats wonderful when we're together_. Hahah I love that song... it was on the Simpsons.. and in my head. So powerful! My beautiful pizza was now in the third oven! We have so many ovens that it has turned into a conspiracy! They're out to get me with their wire racks and small confined spaces. Though I love confined spaces... kinky!

On my pizza I included cool things that no one would ever include because I am Emmett Cullen and I own the word unique. I bought it on Ebay for a thousand dollars. Pretty cool if you ask me. Oh and get this.. my pizza gets to spend the least time in the oven... because I'm hell cool and pizzas seemingly cook quicker. No idea why because it took the longest... stupid human cooking ways.

Mwahahaha it was 6pm now though. My pizza comes out in five minutes then Edward's spaghetti comes out in 10, Carlisle's in 15 and Jasper's in 15 too. So close together. Oh and I'm actually remembering times! So proud of myself. Must make myself a certificate tonight when I'm allowed on the computer under supervision due to that accident the last time I was alone with it. I may have erh broken it because it told me that I couldn't enter that website under the proxy server. Oh the five minutes is up. Time passses when I'm thinking about computers and mice!

Walking into the kitchen I thought better of it and went out into the garage and picked up a shovel. Emmett Cullen the Great shall find an awesome way to get the pizza out of the oven. New innovative ways to do simple human things. Enhance these cool things. I walked back into the kitchen, turned the oven off and then got my shovel and started to take out the awesomely awesome smelling pizza. That was until Edward turned around and noticed me. "Now now Emmett... where on earth did you get that spade?"

"Ah the Garage... don't mock me!" I yelled. No one can take away my coolness of taking the pizza out of the oven. My first home cooked human meal actually turned out alright... i think. It looks alright in it's appearance and smells alright too... hmm. "Okay I'll just back away quietly and hide on the floor! No one can see me from there!" Edward cried and then hid ON the floor. Man I though I was weird.

"What's that smell? Oh it's Carlisle's chicken... smells kidna funky... hahah that song.. Won't you take me to funky town!" Carlisle the chicken is having a spazzy mc spaz!" I called out to him from the Lounge Room. He can so here me. "OMC my chicken! My beautiful chicken! Is.. burnt... to the crisp! Damn this human food! It's not NORMAL for a vampire to cook human food anyway!" Carlisle cried. Ah I feel a little guilty... even though it wasn't me this time. I swear!

"Ah being a vampire ain't considered normal either!" Rose added. Carlisle glared and hugged the demented chicken. "You all will pay!" He said and fled the room.. with that chicken. Emotionally attached or what? "Someone may wanna get the fire brigade. The oven is on fire!" Bella said.

HAHA FIRE IS SO PRETTY!

**A/N: Let me try and keep this bottom AN short. I just love talking so I can't help it. It's just who I am. Thank you to everyone who wished me good luck in my exams. Much appreciated. **

**Now to make up for the delay in this chapter I'll try and get out Chapter 22 by sunday. So thats only 5 days waiting time! I'm having a celebration with my friend's this saturday and then a stupid drama assignment due on monday that I haven't even started so please give me motivation or something. I shall try! **

**HAHA YES I GOT AN ONLINE CONVERTOR TO WORK OUT THE CHANGE FROM CELCIUS TO FARENHEIT!**

**What do you all want to see in future chapters? Any ideas... don't hesitate to PM or review me. I reply to each personally with my weirdness ensured in my writings. It doesn't end in the chapters. Can we attempt 320 reviews? Or 325? That would make my day.**

**Preview for Chapter 22: **_"Do you ever wonder how that got there?"_

**Review for chapter title and EXTENDED preview of chapter 22**


	22. Happy Halloween

**Chapter Twenty Two: Happy Halloween**

**Disclaimer: Me no own Twilight... that you know of! Just Kidding**

**A/N: Happy Halloween everyone. I hope you all like this chapter and please review. I've had exams and 2 projects these past 2 weeks and I have my year 10 school certificate exams in just over a week. Joy! How has everyone been going? Oh a few nights back I had a MAJOR sugar high... I ATE SANTA! He tasted like cookies and milk. I make the yummiest cookies. You should try them one day! I also have a fedish for chicken burgers! MMM.... how about you guys... tell me your weirdest food want lately.**

**Thank you to those who reviewed the previous chapter! You made me happy. In order: **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Lady Saruman_**(x2), **_aime_**(anon), **_jellydogt_**, **_happy-go-lucky-me_**,**_ Rachael Clare_**(x4), and **_La Tua Cantante101_**, **_Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_briiittx xhc_**, **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_Music of the heart_**, **_Alice-Rathbone_**, and a special mention to **_crysta656_** for reviewing quite a few chapters. Made me smile with insaneness... and also made me late for dragging my dad down to the supermarket. But to be fair my story made her stay up and laugh.**

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**CPOV**

Today would have to be one of the weirdest, non normal day ever. Halloween is the 31st of October... which would co-incidently be today's date. The one day when everyone dresses up like some scary monster like a vampire! We're not even like that. Stereotypical society today, conforming to fit the rules and categorizing everyone.

Well people either dress up as monsters, or weird things such as gigantic pencils and pumpkins or some of the female population can go all out and dress as sluts in TINY little outfits. I never answer the front door anymore... not after that one incident. They come ALL the way out here because of mine and my sons good looks, plus we give out the best candy... though this year Bella may eat all of it before anyone comes.

If she does... I'll show her one... of my POKER collections. Oh oh, the old Poker brings back memories. That's how I won Jasper you know. I own him! As a pet! Emmett bet with Jasper as a prize and I won! BEAT THAT Mr. MIGURY! I sat down in my lawn chair, sipping coffee, yes coffee.. got a problem with that? It's normal!, whilst watching the boys try and set up a haunted tunnel above the driveway so the kids would have to either walk under it or be driven in cars under it.

So far.. only a weird white sheet pops out. The weird white sheet is Emmett dropping it. He is so proud of himself that it is so funny to me! The house we actually looking pretty 'scary' looking though. It was coming along nicely thanks to the girls' input into the decorations. Well actually one little grring pixie. CoughAliceCough. The house had carved pumpkins and everything that it was a little too much for me. Thus the reason why I am outside on a chair, watching the boys, drinking coffee.

It was just then that I heard the loudest shriek that I've heard in a a few days, Rosalie's 'Emmett has done something incredibly stupid' scream. Theres a scream for everything. You name it, Rose has a scream for it. Spiders, fashion crisis, poles, and even a naked Emmett scream. I turned around to see Rose coming out of the house charging at me, "Have you seen what Emmett has just done?" she asked me. Well... well... I need some smart comeback to answer back with. No sorry. I'm blind!" I replied satisified.

That's what all of today's generation do these days, have smart comebacks. "I'll show you then, EMMETT!" Rose said. I heard a noise come from inside the house and then exited Emmett spraypainted green. "Erh... what the hell Emmett?" I asked. I should have expected something like this though. "Why... I'm the Incredible Hulk! Muscley and green!" Emmett said doing a pose. OMG this is fairly sad. Emmett is on the front door step of the house, spraypainted green with green shorts, green shirt, and even dyed his hair green! Reminds me of grass. I like grass. "Emmett why are you the Incredible Hulk?" I asked.

I hope it's for halloween. "Cause I felt like a change. I mean... green is the new pale vampire skin!" He replied. Ugh... "So you didn't become the Incredible Hulk for a Halloween Costume?" I asked. "No... why would I? OMG but good idea! So nice, so smart Carlie Baby," Emmett replied. Oh god.. must get away. With that I went to help Edward, Esme and Jasper with the tunnel.

**EPOV**

The tunnel was finally finished. No thanks to Emmett on that one. Everyone was inside and getting ready as it was 8pm and kids would start coming soon... I think. See and it's also a Friday so that means more kids will come because it's a weekend and not a school night. Grr... more minds to read. I only want to read ONE mind... that stalker guy's mind that is blocked due to the stick he carries.

That guy intrigues me with his taste in music... and sticks. Anyways back to the Living Room. We were all putting up the final decorations and set out the candy while Esme restrains Bella from eating it by giving her, her own little pile to munch on for a little while until she gets too high on sugar to want more because she won't be able to make up her sugar coated mind.

Everything has finally been set up with the Halloween theme! Oh and guess what... the whole family is 'dressing' up as vampires!! Our true identity can be shown. With fangs and stupid capes and such. Emmett was currently hopping over fake tombstones on the front lawn. I could see through the window. When did they get there? As if Esme could read minds... like me... she asked Carlisle, "Do you ever wonder how that got there?"

Carlisle looked fairly guilty and then said "Erh... well you see, there have been a... erh few... patients I haven't been able to save and I didn't want the hospital to know that I.. have not been the miracle doctor so I took the bodies and ran for the hills and then... erh buried them out here. I'm surprised no one has noticed the tombstones before." Everyone was looking at him. He noticed that and then said, "I'm going outside to... polish the... trees!" Carlisle dashed outside thinking incoherent thoughts.

"Oh my god so he's been stealing bodies now too. Wow talk about a shoplifting problem! He needs professional help... maybe," Jasper said. We all nodded our head and I tuned into their thoughts. _Well well I always expected something. I am his wife you know_ – Esme.

_It's the season to be jolly.. fa lalalala lalalala_ – Emmett. Strange boy. It's Halloween not Christmas.

_I want to polish a tree too!_ - Alice.

_Let's put a camera on Carlisle to see what else he steals. MWAHAHA_ – Jasper.

_Just dance.. gonna be okay.. do do do just dance spin that record baby_ – Rosalie. Great.. now she's singing too.

"Okay everyone... action stations. It's eight thirty now so the people will start rolling in by the truck load. Esme and Carlisle will be at the door giving out candy, Edward and Jasper will be operating the tunnel, Bella will be eating her candy in the corner, Emmett will be god knows where and Rose and I shall be looking over everything!" Alice ordered.

Bella started to laugh maniacly in the corner. Oh someone should get the hose... I feel so useless... wait.. now she's doing the chicken dance in the room. She's supposed to be a vampire for goodness sake! As if she read MY mind this time she said.... or rather yelled, "I AM A VAMPIRE! EVEN IF IT'S PRETEND! I'M ONE OF YOUS! LET'S SEE HOW LONG I CAN HOLD MY BREATH!"

This isn't going to end well. Emmett and I watched her as Bella's face went from pale to pink to red to tomato red to maroon even then blue and then landed on the floor. "Erh... shouldn't we help her?" I asked Emmett. "Nah nah this is too amusing.

Let's see how long she can go for. I bet two minutes." he replied. It had been one minute and sixteen seconds. Then her heart stopped. "Okay my fun is over now. Maybe we should erh... revive her or something. That or Carlisle has a new body to add to his collection," Emmett said. "Let me do CPR and back away," I said. Wow I think something was spiked in my shower.... why did I let Bella not breath? Ooooooh CHEESE!

**EmPOV**

Let the party begin party animals and strap yourselves into your pants! Or wear no pants at all! It's Halloween baby... the party is starting! Everything was ready... urh no thanks to me but we'll all live. I am the Incredible Hulk and I need a new victim! Wait... halloween means candy, candy means kids, kids mean door knocking, door knocking means a chance to steal away a kid for my sweet Rose. What is it that people say?

Third time lucky? That's it! I shall succeed this time in child stealing. Let me plan out my great mission. To the Secret Emmett Cave... aka the Basement with my Couch Army! Chutes away!

Okay okay now I have to think.... so I shall take a child whilst they are at the doorstep, wait Carlisle and Esme will see me and then tut at me. I don't like it when they tutt. It reminds me too much of horses.

Okay okay how about when the child trips over some TRICK (hahaha trick or treat) wire and then I shall vampire speed, grab the kid and take off? I like that plan! Now to find my place of hiddenness... oh I know; that big tree near the side of the house could fit me behind it? I think. Let's get the trick wire. Just keep tying tying tying... wow how tight must I tie this thing? I could see Edward eating a tree over the other side. Wait... he's eating a tree? "Edward bro... why are you eating a tree," I asked. Edward turned around guiltily and spotted me.

"Well... you see.... I like to... um... bite trees," he replied sheepishly. Wow one day we should tell secrets about ourselves. Edward eats trees? HAHAH. Back to the plan Emmett. Kids are arriving! Scrap that! It's just some teenage girls around fifteen wanting to see Carlisle in a tight vampire vest. What about me? The Incredible Hulk! Here comes a group of little five year old girls dressed as pink princesses. Aww cute!

I'm going in for the kill! Not literally though... Edward wait I'm not killing some child. Just stealing it and never returning it. I have the oddest craving for milk right now! Ahahaha yes! Time to pull the wire and... now! The prey has took the bait... aka some Ghost Drop lolly that makes my tongue blue and has gone down and no one has noticed! Wow this is going according to plan. Going in again to retreive my prize... and I want my candy back!

I had to pay five cents for that off of Bella just before. Man is she protective. "Emmett! Put that child down now! No more stealing! No bad Emmett! Put the child down and you will still be allowed in your bedroom with Rose," Esme called out. Oh darn it! The informant saw me.... and told the Mother. Damn Edward. Carlisle was there too but as soon as he saw me holding a little girl he turned around muttering about getting some alcoholic drink and laying down pretending to sleep.

Why do we even have alcohol in the house? Oh right... last month with Bella.

"Damn normal family! It's Halloween.. maybe I might see what kind of dirt wine taste like. Gritty, sandy, fine, powdered? Lots of dirt tastes," Carlisle said.

**BPOV**

Sugar sugar sugar! Everybody loves sugar! Especially Halloween sugar! Lots of gummi Halloween candy galore and it's time to shine. I've spent the last two hours in the Living Room stuffing my face with candy and now I feel like the moon! And the stars! And the sun! I wonder how many laps of this room I've done? Around 32 I think. Wow I'm burning off that candy. Where's Kevin? Running running running running... and trip.

"Ah floor we meet again," I said to the floor, "Long time no see. How have you been?" I asked it. The floor always seems to meet with me at least once a month. "So that interesting eh? Had any good feet stepping on you lately?... no? Oh well. Must be going. Nice meeting you again. We must schedule a play date," I said and then I waved to Mr. Floor. "Bella I need your help at the front door... so many kids so little time!" Esme called to me. Wait kids are still coming here? Even though it is like ten thirty at night? SUPER COOL!

Prancing over to the door without falling I saw like a group of thirty children at the door. "Trick or treat?" The kids said in unison. Wooh... tripping out man. Hang on.... "trick" I replied. Mwahaha no one saw that coming. No candy for the kids! I want it all. I want it all... and I want it now! The kids stood there stunned and then Carlisle got attacked by water pistols! "TRICK!" they all shouted. Hahahah Carlisle got the trick and I didn't. This beats watching some weird movie on TV about dinosaurs. They have big feet. "Ahhh what the hell? Why me? I didn't do anything... dang it! Why?!?!?!" Carlisle cried.

"I dont know.... probably because you're hot!" Esme replied to Carlisle's rhetorical question. Wow... talk about steamy... let me find Edward... wait... he's away? Where though? "So they decided to cool you down with water," I added in. Makes logical sense. Oh god... I'm losing my sugar high!

I'm going to go down into the driveway and throw lollies everywhere like a flower girl! Except I'll be a candy girl! "I'm going into the driveway for a candy rain dance! It shall rain candy soon!" Saying that I ran out into the night.

"Bella come back. At least put your jacket on! No rain dancing on Halloween without a jacket on!" Esme yelled at me. "No! I like the cold... it feel nice on my arm! I only have one arm? Oh crap!" I screamed but then got over it and started doing some weird dance that I don't even know what I was doing. I saw Edward over by a tree with a bite mark out of it just then before I ate a gummy worm and the world went black. SUGAR OVERLOAD!

"Well this Halloween was very eventful. Bella passed out on the driveway, Emmett attempted another kidnapping, I got saturated with water, Esme was being a mother figure, Edward eats trees but what about Alice, Rose and Jasper? What were you three doing?" Carlisle asked.

"You see... Halloween doesn't appeal to us so we were taking bets on Bella's sugar high and Emmett's attempts at child stealing.

Oh by the way Emmett.. I think the saying IS 'Bad things come in threes'," Alice replied. "Does that mean fourth time lucky? O.o I love number four!" Next week is some carnival! So going to that... it means kids!" Emmett said and hopped out of the room. Wooh! Carnival! I wanna get a face paint of a bird! Hang on, "Where's all the candy gone?" I asked the silent room. Everyone stared at me.

"BELLA!"

**A/N: So... on Wednesday I went to Sydney, Australia (5 hours from where I live) to see the Billy Elliot Musical. It was the most amazing show ever! If you want details or such just PM or review me. I know some already have asked me. CoughLadySarumancough! **

**So... click that purple/blue little button and tell me what you think. I love opening up my hotmail and seeing lots of reviews. This is also my first holiday chapter! **

**So how about 350 reviews?**

**Thank You to everyone again! I have more exams in a week and a bit. Wish me luck. I should get chapter 23 done by next weekend just before exams start... so be thankful or I'll send a banana to eat you! Erh... too much sugar!**

**Preview for Chapter 23: **_ "This can have a lot of uses. Even as face paint!"_

**Review for Chapter title and EXTENDED preview for the next chapter.**


	23. Fish Oil and Cheese Cans

**Chapter Twenty Three: Fish Oil and Cheese Cans**

**Disclaimer: Roses are red, Violets are blue. I don't own Twilight and neither do I moo.**

**A/N: Wow that was a weird disclaimer. It's currently 11:56pm and I'm fair tired so don't mind my weirdness. How's life going? I have exams in the next few days. Dang I hope I don't fail these exams. The fish oil incident is based on a real experience I had earlier on in the year with **_Briiittx xhc_** daring me to over MSN. The Cheese Cans were a basic idea from her. I still have to look for them! I keep forgetting to. Well on with the chapter I guess, after thanking those who reviewed last chapter. I'm a little sad about the reviews though. This chatper is coming out four days earlier so show your appreciation please! **

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter. (In order): **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_Lady Saruman_**(dont ask), **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Rachael Clare_**, **_Hawktalon. Of. Windclan_**, **_happy-go-lucky-little-me_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_Fang_**(anon), and **_Briiittx xhc_**,**

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**APOV**

Rose and I were on my bed around six in the afternoon reading the latest fashion magazine. All of the fashions in here are so not right though. Who puts plaid with plaid? That is such a big no no. Even Emmett knows that.. and that's saying something.

I was suddenly hit with a vison. Such perfect timing too. We needed something to occupy ourselves with. Except Rose and Emmett. They were... erh.. doing.. yeh! ... on Edward's piano... bad bad vision. I feel so dirty that no amount of cleaning myself off with egyptian silk will work.

Oh right.. vision ahoy. Time to put the action to plan.. wait the plan to action! Stupid stupid bouncy stuff I ate this morning. WEEE! Lucky Emmett isn't home. Or else this wouldn't work. He's at the supermarket buying peanut butter.

"Everyone downstairs into the kitchen. Carlisle bring the key to your drug cabinet," I called out, "Come on Rose... wanna see Emmett being stupid?"

"Hell yeah.... better then seeing him naked I say," Rose replied. We linked arms and make our way downstairs. Everyone was there already seated at the table. Carlisle had one hand holding the key to his chest and the other hand was wrapped around a cup of coffee. Dang... that stuff is addicting!

I WANT COFFEE!

"Okay here's the plan. Well we shall swap all of your drugs in the cabinet with fish oil tablets and then leave the key on this table for when Emmett walks back in. No one will be in here so he'll take it and run to the cabinet.. then we watch as he devours the fish oil!" I announced.

Everyone paled. Bad bad memories of the fish oil. Brings us back to the time of the Great Depression. Not that they had fish oil tablets back then but oily fish... NO! Nightmares.

"Feel the smell of the tablets," Bella said as she wafted them in. Gross much. "Why do we even have fish oil tablets in the house?" Edward asked. Good question.

"Look... I'm sorry okay?" Carlisle cried out taking a swig from his coffee. Should stop him.

"Back to the plan. Emmett will be arriving home in one minute and five seconds and counting. Lucky we have cameras everywhere in the house and then we'll

relocate to Carlisle and Esme's room to watch the kitchen, stairs and Carlisle's study," Jasper said. That's why I love him... that and the brilliant cowboy hat he wears. "GO!" I cried.

We were up in the parental's bedroom. I have never actually been in here for six months. What is the world coming to?

Emmett then walked in the front door, "What is that I see?" Emmett said to himself. "I see a key... labelled 'Medicine Cabinet Key'. How utterly convenient. Ideas are formulating." OMG he's actually sounding fair smart.

"RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE!" Emmett shouted while taking the key and running, "No one can stop me now! Drugs I love you!" With that he pounded up the stairs.. shaking the foundations! Earthquake!

The next camera was of Carlisle's study. Emmett came in shifty looking. "Dun dun dun dun dun dun. No one is watching. No Big Brother," Emmett observed to himself.

Little did he know...

"Yes.. now that I have the key I can access this stash of drugs! High time!"

Emmett has an addiction... oh god. He finally got it open. "SUCCESS!" he cried raising the fish oil tablets disguised as drugs. "Time to eat my prizes!" With that he started downing the tablets.

We all waited in anticipation until we heard 'COUGH!' "What? Are these drugs off? I want my drugs!" Bella couldn't take it anymore and neither could the rest of us.

Everyone was rolling on the ground laughing until Emmett burst in.

"Why? Just why?" he asked simply.

**EsPOV**

My poor Emmy boy. Though it was indeed funny to watch. "This was live on Youtube too," Edward added between unnecessary breathes.

That started another round of laughter.

"Guys my name is now Austin. That names sounds very foreign," Emmett said. (**A/N: Some telemarketer rang and he had that name. I cracked up laughing while talking to him... he didn't get why).**

"You know what else would be fun? All of us being dared to eat a fish oil tablet," Carlisle said. Wait.. my husband, the normal wanna-be, suggested this. I blame coffee. Evil substance that can terminate my garden!

"I want to try some fish oil too!" Edward said.

"Yeah... hail the fish.. that make oil... which is then transferred into tablets!" Rose cried.

Wait... Rosalie is getting into it too?

"What exactly is fish oil anyway?" Jasper asked.

"According to google its a natural oil extracted from fish characterised by a large group of saturated fatty acids," Emmett said. We all stood there stunted. **(A/N: Had to google it)**

"Moving on... Edward eat one!" Carlisle said. Edward hesitated then put one in lhis mouth.

"Gross... I taste the oil. Me don't like fish."

"Suck it up! Be a man!" Carlisle ordered. Strong husband... bossy husband. Me likey

"Alice... eat!" Alice obliged and swallowed one down with a sad expression. Stupid Great Depression.

"Rose, Jasper and Esme, please eat one too," Carlisle said. What's up his butt?

Rose hesitated but Jasper dove straight in and ate fifteen.

"WTF Jasper?" Edward asked. Jasper didn't reply due to his mouth being full.

"Bella now!"

"Please don't make me! Give me a chicken burger instead! I LOVE CHICKEN!"

Carlisle and Emmett pegged her down as Edward... Edward? Made her eat one. Dysfunctional family.

"Think of sex with Edward.. just think of that Bella and you'll be all fine!" Jasper said. Wait... that's fair suss. Even for Jasper. Dang that. Bella ate the table and then ran to the kitchen and ate a big slice of cake, drank two glasses of water, ate a sandwich and then chewed six pieces of gum. That must have tasted bad. Tasted like dirt to me. **(A/N: I did what Bella did... tasted feral!)**

"Must... not... die!" Bella came back.

"Moving on.... Carlisle and I shall retreat to our bedroom. It's ten at night now. Bella should go to sleep soon. School is in the morning! I am a mother. I boss you guys around!" I said and left with Carlisle.

**EmPOV**

Amusing day... though the trick they played on me wasn't that funny... though it was because Bella ate lots of food to get rid of the taste and almost died due to it.

"Rose I'm going to raid the fridge okay?" I half said half asked.

"Okay... don't eat too much. I don't want to hear you vomit all night."

The fridge is my second soul mate. Don't tell Rosalie that though. I love the bedroom too much to be kicked out. "I wonder what is left in the fridge after Bella?" I said to myself.

Opening it I noticed this new food object! "Cheese in a can!" I cried in glee.

"It has the word 'Cheese' on it."

The bottle was like that of whipped cream in a can but it's CHEESE in a CAN!

Edward came downstairs and I then got my revenge on something that I don't even remember what for.

"Emmett why the hell did you just cheese my head into a french do? It's going to take years to get it back to the way it was!"

"I dont know. I was bored and I found this." I held up the sacred object.

"Who the hell invented this contraption?" Edward asked. How could he say that? Cheese in a can is the ultimate bomb diggity! "Cheese is awesome. This can have a lot of uses. Even as face paint!" I replied. Let Emmett Cullen make his magic known with cheese.

"Watch the awesomeness." With that I went upstairs to the only human in the house... let's play pranks... with cheese! "No Emmett... put the cheese down. It can also have another use... like belonging in the fridge!" Edward called out.

"Sorry brother, I'm already on the nineth step and I don't wanna go back down. Effort much!"

"It's not effort much! You're a bloody vampire!"

"So what?"

"It's stupid!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is no...."

"Shut up or you'll wake my Bella. She needs her sleep!" Edward interupted me. Oh no he didn't. Pay back is in order... again.

"Well I must say... this is going to be highly entertaining," I muttered as I entered Edward's room where Bella was sleeping soundly. Insert the Mission Impossible theme tune here.

"Revenge tastes good... literally."

Bella blurted out "Cheese" in her sleep. Ain't far from the truth.

I love wrecking havoc on the world. I got the cheese in a can, shook it up and then all over Bella I drew a moustache, beard, love heart, bushy eyebrows, clown nose and suspenders on her clothes with the cheese!

"Such a great device, attracts mice. Creating havic, it works like magic. Cheese in a can, suitable for man!" I said making up a theme song for the cheese in a can. **(A/N: Oh yeah.. so made that up then).**

Edward came into the room shocked at what I did. "Why did you do that?"

"Relax! You can lick it off of her if you want." I answered back. Funny stuff.

"No... she's going to have to sleep like that. I don't like cheese that much. Not since Bella made me eat six blocks of it."

"Well it's four am now and Bella will wake up at six am so she only has two hours to sleep with that attire," I laughed quietly not wanting to wake my victim. "Hang on let me give her big cheesy lips!"

"Get out!" Edward growled.

**JPOV**

Being a vampire is getting annoying sometimes. It was five thirty am and I was bored.

"Honey do something else!" Alice cried. I had been pacing in the room for twenty minutes because Alice was online shopping.

"But I can't think of anything!"

"Just go down into the hallway and there you shall find something to do to occupy yourself."

"A big pile of rocks?"

"What... no! Just go," Alice ordered.

"Fine.. don't do anything drastic until I get back. That means no swooning over shoes. Only me can do that!" Alice laughed at that comment. DAMN!

I walked out of the bedroom door and down the hallway tripping over something... yes I tripped.

"What the hell?!" I yelled. Edward ducked his head out of his door and evil glared me. So.. much.. lust... covered by disgust? "What... I tripped! I answered Edward's glare.

I noticed that the cause of my stumble was empty cheese cans. Stupid Emmett.. such a pig and a half. Minus a tail for some reason. I'm high1

OMG I have the coolest thing! Building a replica of the war out of the cheese cans. They can be people! "I'm going to rule the world!" I mumbled.

"No you're not!" I heard a reply from one of my siblings.

"Am too!"

"Just keep believing that short pants." Short pants? Where did that kind of an insult come from?

My battle remake was complete until just then something crashed into it! "No!" I shouted!

"Who ruined my materpiece? It has taken me almost an hour to make that! AN HOUR OF MY ETERNAL LIFE!"

"That may have been me," Emmett raised his hand sucking on a can of cheese to relish in the leftovers, "I wanted to see if there was some cheese left!"

"Dude!" Edward added.

"Shut up!" We both shouted!

"Make me," Edward fought back!

"SEX!" We turned and saw that Bella yelled that out in the kitcken doorframe all sparkly clean. She's been putting on some glittery body lotion to seem like a sparkly vampire. (**A/N: I yelled out SEX in homeroom today randomly... it was the sugarfree gum's fault!)**

"Erh... geez Edward!" Emmett said.

Carlisle entered with his shirt unbuttoned and hair disheveled. Gross.

"STOP! The three of you! You will spend the rest of the day in the freezer to sort out your issues! Edward, Emmett and Jasper now! And you're each required to eat ten fish oil tablets!" Carlisle ordered. His name is so long. I'm going to call him Big C.

"Oh yeah... why did I wake up covered in cheese?"

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**A/N: Everyone do you like this better? More dialogue in the chapter and less rambling thoughts of the person who's POV its in? I know it was easier to write but harder to make it as long. **

**Please tell me your thoughts about this chapter. I would love to hear from you all. I reply to every review... except anonymous unless there is an email address. I do accept anon reviews though. **

**Can I get 15 reviews for this chapter? It only takes 30 seconds...**

**Review or Santa Clause gets it! Oh plus if you have any ideas for future chapters I'm open for suggestions. I have ideas for chapters 24, 25, 26, 27 and 30. Any for chapters 28 and 29?**

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**Preview for Chapter 24: **"Don't put that there!"

**Review for Chapter title and EXTENDED preview of chapter 24.**

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	24. Splash Battle

**Chapter Twenty Four: Splash Battle**

**Disclaimer: When pigs fly.**

**How is everyone today? Sorry it took me so long but I had the crappiest week ever and I wasn't in the best mood, which is insane, weird and high, to write this chapter but now I'm going to give it a shot. Please review and make me feel better. I do reply to everyone of them! On a more happier note! WOW I've gotten quite a lot of reviews this past week and a bit. Makes me smile! Like this afternoon I got one which started to motivate me to write. **

**Well... this idea came from the Water Bomb fight I had with my friends 3 weeks ago.**

**Enjoy!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter.(In order): **_Lady Saruman_**(x5), **_annon_**(anon), **_Rachael Clare_**(x2), **_briiittx xhc_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_rh!_**(anon), **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_La Tua Cantante101_**, **_twilight-fanfic-addict-i-rock_**, **_. _**and**_ hfs9c1_**.**

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**CPOV**

"Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored!" I proclaimed in my study. I even made a tune out of it. That baseball home run tune I think. Time goes fair slow I might add when you've been alive for almost three hundred and seventy years.... "I need a hobby!" I yelled.

"Dancing in the moonlight!" Alice yelled.

"Eating coachroaches!" So not normal Emmett

"Transfuring genetically modified DNA into another empty nucleus of a sheep to clone an animal for world domination!" Note to self... don't leave Jasper alone with animals and science equipment.

"Collecting stamps," Esme answered. Ah... the normal wife.

"Biting people and taking photos of them to create a collection of bitten people?" Bella asked. "I could be the first to your collection. Do your worse doc! I can handle it."

"Send yourself to the moon!" Rosalie insisted. Already done that... BEFORE the first landing on the moon... though you don't see me bragging about it to the whole world!

"Just go and have a water bomb fight!" Edward shouted.

"OMG I LOVE YOU SON! IF I WAS GAY I WOULD MARRY YOU!" I yelled.

"Me?"

"Not you Emmett. God no. EDWARD!"

"Pfft... he's gay."

"Am not!" Edward bickered back.

"Okay commence in the Living Room!" I shouted to everyone.

"Carlisle going into the living room of his own free will? The world has gone nuts," Rose muttered.

I entered to see Esme and Alice talking to themselves quietly. "What are you two gossiping about?" I asked.

"Money!" Alice chirped.

"Ah money. Brings me back. I feel like going out to buy a new car. Perhaps that new Holden to celebrate their 50th or 60th year. Don't bother counting years."

"Daddy so when you get a new car can I get a 10 dollar muffin tray?" Emmett asked.

"No."

"Why?"

"Cause it all adds up after a while."

'It's only one muffin tray... okay maybe two. I'm not going to go and buy 65 thousand muffin trays. How many muffins do you think I can bake?" **(A/N: I had this conversation with my dad yesterday in the car on the way back from town. It was humourous though. I made him buy me a muffin tray this weekend next.)**

"I don't know. It is you Emmett. Back to the water bomb fight!"

"Fine! I'll just steal 10 dollars out of the money tin on top of the fridge."

"Like hell you will. I count that every night. I have nothing better to do. So bored of eternity."

"Well I'll create a magical spell."

"Stupid."

"Alice lend me 10 dollars, please. I want a muffin tray."

"Nope!" Alice said popping the p sound.

"So I was getting to thinking after my FAVOURITE son, Edward made a brilliant suggestion. Water Bomb Fight. There are two taps out the front. Both are on either side of the house leaving the whole front yard as a battle ground. Guys against girls! Battle field it! No idea who wins. I guess when Bella gets tired."

"Hey shutup!"

"No!"

"Carlisle are you arguing with Bella?"

"No Edward."

"Look I can't help if I'm human. BITE ME!"

"Not hungry yet."

"Okay you know where to find me!"

"Moving on. I bought water balloons yesterday afternoon. We have 4000 of them! Half them. 2000 for the girls and the other 2000 for the guys." Alice said holding up a big shopping bag from K-Mart.

"We'll meet out the front in the middle of the battle grounds in twenty minutes. Get changed into your swimmers quickly coughalicecough." I said.

'Can I duck down to the corner shop and get a muffin tray?"

"No Emmett!"

"No fair!"

--------------

**EPOV**

"I'm the favourite son! Beat that Emmett!"

"Erh... well I'm the least normal son!"

"Well... I'm the evil son!" Jasper chimed in.

"Got that right all three of you," Carlisle said coming into my bedroom. Should I feel intimidated?

"It's been fifteen minutes and twenty four seconds," Jasper counted down each second in his mind. Oh god this sucks.

'Carlisle do you know the muffin man?"

"Why would I?"

"Cause he said you did when I went out to buy a muffin tray."

"You went and bought a tray when I told you not to?!"

"...Yes..." Emmett squeaked. _Oh god... he looks like he's going to bite me. Where's Bella. _

"Look me and the muffin man are in a feud! That's why you can't buy a muffin tray! You he lped his business! Now he's going to be bragging it to me via the internet. I really should delete his email address and block him."

"Well.. he said to tell you that he sends his condolesences."

"Tell him I said he's gay."

"Okay."

"He actually is though."

"That's why he looked at me funny. Like the way Edward looks at you."

"WTF I'M NOT GAY!"

"We're reading boys!" Rose cried. Saved by the bell I guess.

_Gay gay gay Edward's gay,_ Emmett thought. Grr to him.

"Wow ready in 19 minutes and 1 second," Jasper said, "Shortest record ever!"

"Shut up Jasper or you will RELIVE the experience of being locked out of the bedroom."

'Oh god... I can't relive 1975 again!"

"Come on. We can't keep stalling this water fight forever. Bella's getting frustrated," Esme said.

"Sexually," Emmett added.

"NO!" I yelled.

"Whatevs!" Emmett said. Trying to be cool! We walked outside the front.

"Boys on the left.. girls on the right." Esme said.

"Girls are always on the right... cause we're right!" Alice exclaimed. Fair true I think.

"Now... shake hands Esme and Carlisle. You're leaders cause you're parents," I said.

They shook hands.

"BATTLE STATIONS!" Carlisle cried and then we did some Army cry and Emmett did the army crawl. Screwed up family.

It was time for our revenge on the girls. "Alright men! Do as I say," Carlisle ordered, "Where's Emmett?"

"He's gone to find some mud to mark his cheeks like an army person," Jasper replied.

"Not on my watch!"

"You're not wearing a watch!"

"Oh... aren't I?.... Don't put that there!" Carlisle cried to Emmett. I saw that Emmett was about to put down a huge water balloon onto the grass!

"Oh and why not?"

"Cause there's some evil spikey grass things."

"You mean bindies?" **(A/N: Bindies are little prickly grassy things aka prickles?)**

"YES!"

"You don't control me!" Emmett rebelled. This is his rebellious side?

"Yes I do! Come back here now!"

"Yes sir!" Emmett cowarded back over to our tap.

"O.o can we name the tap 'Sir Tapsalot'?" Jasper asked.

"Hahah that has a sexual connotation."

"Emmett no."

"Whatever you can name it that," I said.

Fifteen minutes had passed and we spent that time filling up water balloons. We had around thirty seven filled in an eski.

"Guys guys help me! The balloon is attacking my finger. It won't come off!" Jasper cried. He had tied the balloon but it was stuck tight around two of his fingers and was thrashing his hand in the air hoping it will pop. _Maybe if i wack my hand against the pole over there..._ Jasper thought.** (A/N: That was me. I thought that too... no poles nearby though.)**

"Here let me get it off son. Gee so incompetent," Carlisle said trudging over.

"Grab your balloons. Time for a surprise attack!" I whispered to the rest of my crew.

"Hahah the 'Sir Tapsalot Crew! Kinda catchy," Jasper chirped. Bird eh?

--------------

**RPOV**

"The boys can't win guys. We have our charm and good arms to throw those bombs and give them a splash attack!" I pep talked the girls. We were all dressed in the same type of swimmers but different colours. I was in red, Alice in pink, Bella in blue and Esme in purple.

"Plan of attack. When the guys come to attack us in 10 minutes we'll go behind the house to their side and attack from behind," Alice layed out the plan.

"I like how you think Alice."

"So do I Bella, so do I."

"SUGAR!"

"Esme what the hell?"

"Just wanted to be included. We have exactly fifty water bombs filled up. They're fair big I might add."

"Jolly good job. Now let's just gossip."

"I hear that Mike asked Tyler out to the homecoming dance next weekend."

"I always knew he was gay."

"He was just using me to get closer to Edward."

"I know girls. He came into the hospital faking a sprained wrist and asked specifically for Dr. Cullen. Carlisle told me that night in bed," Esme added.

"Interesting. Maybe we should use Mike as an experiment and study his patterns?" Bella suggested.

"I like that idea! Though another time! The boys are moving in on us. Round the back now."

"What happens if Edward listens in on our thoughts?"

"Count to seven thousand in latin."

"I don't know latin."

"Not you Bella. He can't read your thoughts anyway."

"Oh right... gotcha."

Going around the back of the house is fair annoying. There are trees with stupid branches sticking out everywhere. We almost had to crawl along the ground.

"Why not use vampire speed?"

"One word... Bella."

"Look... I'm human still. Sorry. Just someone bite me already."

"Like Carlisle said. We ain't hungry... yet."

"Get back to me on that one then."

"Shall do!"

It took us around three minutes to go around the back of the house when it would of taken a second or so if we were vampires. Wait we are. If Bella was a vampire I mean. We had now reached their tap. "What the hell?" Alice said. She went to the tap and said "There's a note on the tap and it says 'Sir Tapsalot' then it has a smiley face and Jasper written at the bottom."

"Of course. Trust my non biological twin to think of that."

"It's Jasper. Enough said."

"True that!"

"Okay look let's creep up behind them. Bella wait here so they won't hear you fall over or something."

"Fine... I'll keep the tap company or something."

"You... go do that."

"Hey Sir. Tapsalot. I hope you show the floor a thing or two. Wet him for me because I'm sick of falling over him. The floors a big meany," Bella whispered to the tap.

"Just keeps getting weirder and weirder don't it Alice?" Esme asked.

"Yep."

"I agree too," I included.

Sneaking up on the guys is fun. They're just standing at where we're supposed to be.

"What? Where are they?" Jasper said.

"No idea man. We're in the same boat here."

"YOU BETTER BE OVER YOUR SIDE OF THE BOAT EDWARD!"

"For the last time I'm not gay!"

"Maybe they went to the bathroom or something?" Carlisle said.

"What all four of them?"

"Yeah.. they always go together." Emmett laughed at that.

"Not that way Emmett geez," Edward said slapping Emmett over the head.

"Lost your purse to hit me with Eddie?"

"No Comment."

"CHARGE!" Alice shouted. Battle cry!

"What?" all four of them said at the same time as they turned around.

"Look... we said charge!"

"I know that!"

'Well then aren't you supposed to be running?"

"Oh right!"

In five minutes... FIVE MINUTES.... everyone was soaking wet. Even Bella. But no one did that. The tap did.

"Okay maybe we should have another plan of action... RETREAT!" I shouted.

--------------

**EsPOV**

Retreating was fair annoying... but fun. We all really do need jobs I dare say.

"Okay we're ditching the water balloons," Rosalie said.

"Why?" Bella asked.

"New plan of action."

"What?"

"We just get 3 or 4 eski coolers and fill them up with water and tip them over the guys instead."

"Erh.. nice!"

"So say it was Jasper. We'd get Alice to distract him whilst me, Esme or even you Bella to go up behind him and throw the bucket of water over him."

"I LOVE IT!" Alice shouted.

"Could I just have water balloons and throw them out of the attic window instead?"

"Yes Bella. That would be best."

"Wait... I WANT THE TAP TOO!"

"No take Kevin."

"Kevin's being mean to me ever since I made a dint in his side."

"Well make it up to him."

"Okay"

"Now Emmett will be the easiest to distract so I'll go first and then Alice you can go in for the kill and pour the cooler of water all over him. Get it? Got it? Good."

"Eye Eye Captain!"

"What about me?" I asked.

"Get Carlisle some coffee. He will be sooo distracted then by the pretty mug carrying heavenly contents."

"My sentiments exactly. Rose you really are the most sly and cunning daughter."

"And me?"

'Alice your the most shopaholic daughter." Alice beamed.

"Bella is my little high munchkin." (A/N: Hahahha named my laptop 'Munchkin' on Friday.)

"Let's go! Fill up that cooler!"

I trudged inside to get some coffee. We have a whole cupboard full of different types. Carlisle likes the Mexican Coffee Beans the most and he can smell it from a mile away.

"Yeah this is gonna get him good!"

Ten minutes later I walked onto the battlefield just as Jasper was getting drenched by the cooler by Alice and Rosalie. Edward was off again eating the nearest tree and Bella was throwing water bombs at him.

"EDWARD NO! IF YOU WANT TO BITE SOMETHING BITE ME! Let the beavers eat the tree!"

"I.... can't!"

"You can.... have the willpower. The trees will come and attack you. Have you not seen The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian? The trees will get you with their roots!" **(A/N: O.o exactly 10 days till it's available on DVD! Can't wait!)**

"Oh Carlisle!"

"What is is dear Es... COFFEE! You have coffee!"

"That I do... come here and I'll give you the coffee."

"Gimme gimme gimme!"

"A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT!" Emmett yelled.

"Now who's gay?" Edward said.

"Meh.. you."

"Rosalie I have a present for you!" Emmett said.

"What is it?"

"It's a baby!"

"It's a waterballoon."

"No it's a waterballoon with a face on him. I named him JubJub. He's our new baby!"

Awww how sweet. It's because he couldn't kidnap a kid he's resorted to this.

"Give me that!" Jasper cried and grabbed JubJub and threw it at Edward.

"OWW! I was getting to the middle of the tree!"

"Dude help us. The girls are smashing and splashing us and you're standing their gnawing on a freaking tree!"

"Fine!"

"DEFEND YOURSELVES BOYS!"

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**A/N: Evening... sorry it took so long to get it out. I am currently home alone and I made myself not leave the computer until I finished this because of my guilt. **

**I ACCEPT ANONYMOUS (cant spell) REVIEWS! **

**I'm going to start writing chapter 25 as soon as I post this. If I reach like 405 reviews I'll post very soon.. in like a day or two at most!**

**Tell me what you think of my guilt chapter and even tell me some weird thing you've done lately.... One weird thing I've done lately is with my friends. We wrapped ourselves up in christmas tinsel together as one and walked down the main street in town. My friend Lydia stopped and the rest of us got choked. Fair funny. So so many stares.**

**O.o and next chapter is another list one. It is what Carlisle considers to be not normal.**

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**Preview for Chapter 25:** Creating a gigantic muffin... from sticks

**Now review and you shall get title and 2 other non-normal things.**

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	25. Tis Not Normal

**Chapter Twenty Five: Tis Not Normal**

**Disclaimer: Anita shutup.... Don't think you own Twilight. Oh and stop talking to yourself.**

**A/N: Hello again.... I just posted Chapter 24 and as said in the bottom A/N of it I'm starting Chapter 25. Does it help that my fluffy orange cat is staring at me evily? NO!**

**Lol I'm just a tad high. And some catchy upbeat song is playing in Itunes.**

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter and review to tell me how much you do!**

**OMG GUESS WHAT?! ON FRIDAY AT SCHOOL I DIDN'T PICK UP A PEN ONCE! **

**If you wanna hear why not then ask in a PM or review and I'll tell you. Cause I'm running outa space in this A/N. **

**Haha this would have been posted an hour ago but I got distracted with my mobile and recharging it and then myspace was calling me.**

**Thank you to those who reviewed Chapter 24 faithfully. (In order): **_Lady Saruman_**(HAPPY BIRTHDAY!), **_bbbff1996_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**, **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_hfs9c1_**, **_Rachael Clare_**, **_._**, **_Briiittx xhc_**, and **_angelluvu4eva _**(who reviewed quite a number of chapters).**

_This is a list of 100 things that Carlisle considers not to be normal. Some of them are weird others are plain. It was hard this time to think up 100 things. I've been REALLY busy with my drama play so.. yeah. All are in Carlisle's POV. If it mentions an 'I' or something its refering to Carlisle talking._

Ask a stranger where they live

See how many cats you can stack up on each other

Coffee

Mr Squiggle

Chairs

Doors

Metal poles that are everywhere

Sunshine

The Muffin Man

Shoes

Trees.... EDWARD!

Kidnapping children

Shopping budgets over one hundred thousand

Rocks

Three oh Five PM in the afternoon

Panadol

... drugs full stop. Bad bad consequences. I should... erh know

You know what... SEX ALL THE TIME!

Sugar Hypes... BELLA

Forks.. the utensil

Forks... the small town in Washington

Chicken planted in toilets

Duels **(A/N: Fair random but if you've seen the Twilight Movie what did you think of it?)**

Star Power

airports and their security guards staring at me every single time!

Mike Newton

Concrete slab of concrete

Werewolves

Vampires

Witches (Let's not go there!)

Uranium

Mess

Pink.... sshh don't tell Alice

Some vampires telling humans what they are

... some vampries opening their mouths full stop

Food fights with live 'food'

Cheese... Yes I went there

Ringlets... so curly

Dark matter in space

... dark matter in the living room!

The date that is the 21st November 2008

Needles that are out to get me

Cardboard

Boogey Man

Apple stickers. They turn up everywhere

Buttons. So hard to get clothes off in a hurry... Tee Hee

Trying to dig to hell

... giving up and trying to build a ladder to heaven

licking the floor clean instead of using a mop... EMMETT

Hiding in the shadows stroking your mustache

Creating a gigantic muffin... from sticks

Ultraviolet rays bouncing in the atmosphere making the world temperature hotter which leads to global warming of the planet... PROTECT THE ICE CAPS!

Fair suss songs like 'Physical' by Olivia Newton John and 'Barbie Girl' by AQUA

... its even worse when Emmett's singing the suss songs

.... again less normal when Rosalie's in the room

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES... with golf balls

Emmett dancing in the rain... naked. Poor old Mrs Brinks

Oatmeal fights against each other

Drink 50 litres of alcohol

... and not think about how its going to exit your body system

.... or about how its going to wreck Esme's furniture

Selling tic tac drugs for cotton

Smuggle diamonds out of a high security museum... in broad daylight

Ordering diet water

Emmett in the cage at the local zoo... hang on that is normal... unless....

Ring your mobile/cell phone from your mobile/cell phone

Bloody Global Warming.... stupid car

Marrying a carrot or another vegetable. Let's not delve into that

Doing 'it' on Edward's piano... frequently... meaning every half hour that Edward's not in the house

Hannah Montana

Creating "Pool Police"

I once though that the telephone was Esme

Secrets containing secrets

The colour...yellow

Spotting the cloud that looks like a monkey doing an acrobatic ballet pose on the high wire in a big red tent

Toilet paper. Biodegradable my butt

Blue Cordial.... WHY!? **(A/N: Just downed 6 glasses of it in 30 minutes)**

Smiles so wide they reach your ears.... PARANOIA

Leaving a key under your doormat

Stories about Vampires

Cords

Internet Cords

Laptop Cords

FREAKING CORDS GALORE!

Sitting in the middle of the floor acting casual

Pants... who needs them?

Batteries

Printers that print weird shapes

Explicit images

Sparkly pompoms... trying to copy us sparkly vampires

Technology... in my day we didnt have all this mumbo jumbo

The rising economy... skittles costing like 5 dollars

The temperature being hot then suddenly drops. Not that it even affects me but still

Money

All those stupid consent forms I have to sign so the kids can go on excursions.... I swear I'm up to ten million now. **(A/N: My dad absolutely hates signing them!)**

Smoke cause then I can't see and I run into various trees

Fake light produced by light bulbs. What is the world coming to?

Slang

Did I mention CORDS?

ME... CARLISLE! THAT'S RIGHT!

**A/N: Dun dun dun. We broke the goal for the reviews... though to be fair 3 of those were of other chapters. Can we get to 425 this time? For this chapter? **

**OMG I HAVE A DRAMA PLAY IN 9 DAYS TIME AND I'VE BEEN MAKING AND COLLECTING PROPS LIKE CRAZY! SHOW YOUR MOTIVATION**

**Hehe turned caps lock off.. sorry. **

**I'm terribly sorry if this chapter isn't that funny. I had a depressing day which involved me being locked out of my house and my dad was half an hour away in the cinemas watching 'Quantum of Solace' James Bond. **

**To those Americans and such who have seen the Twilight Movie, is it any good? Don't give anything away but did you like it?**

**Australia doesn't get it for another 19 days :(**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------**

**Preview for Chapter 26 : **"What the hell man? Secret my butt!"

**Review and get Chapter title and EXTENDED preview for Chapter 26**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**


	26. Keep it a Secret

**Chapter Twenty Six: Keep it a Secret**

**Disclaimer: Anita and Stephenie Meyer are two completely different people. Other than the fact that they both have brown hair and love Twilight.**

**A//N: Evening. I'm currently watching the _Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian_ and I'm crying when Aslan wakes the trees up!!! **

**I'M EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO THIS MOVIE! GONNA WATCH IT AGAIN WHEN IT FINISHES.... HOORAY FOR DVD!**

**Now despite my random outburst of affection. Here is some weird chapter I typed up when I was on a sugar high like I usually do.**

**I now have a webpage up that you can find the link to on my profile. If you want me to get images for any item or such in chapters then just PM or review to me.**

**Thank you to those reviewers from chapter 25. (In order): **_twilightgal101_**, **_angelluvu4eva_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**, **_._**, **_Lady Saruman _**(x10), **_bbbff1996_**, **_girlygur12_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_Rachael Clare_** and** _maddy_**(anon)**

**BPOV**

Only seven days until school has ended for the christmas holidays. I am sooo excited that I could eat a monkey and a half. It was saturday morning... again. How many saturdays have I lived through in my life?

"Approximately 910 Saturdays!" Emmett yelled.

"How did you know what I was thinking?"

"Meh I am on your wavelength!"

"Okay I'm scared."

"OMG SOON WE CAN THROW A PARTY FOR BELLA'S 1000TH SUNDAY!" Alice yelled from downstairs.

"Isn't that a bit weird?" Edward replied.

"NO! Parties can be thrown for a lot of things!"

Suddenly I had a brilliant idea!

"Guys how about we reveal secrets?"

"I like that idea. Wait who are you calling 'guys'?" Rose injected.

"Well... everyone I guess."

"I am NOT a guy Bella. Please fix up your sentence."

"Yes Ros...."

"Wait... so who are the guys Bella?" Emmett asked curiously.

"You, Jasper and Carlisle."

"What about me?" Edward yelled.

"You're gay Eddie!"

"Am not Emmett... or should I say Emmie?"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Emmett cried and I saw him run past Edward's bedroom down the stairs and into his.. I mean... Rosalie's bedroom.

"Moving on! Let's share secrets in a circle with marshmallows roasting!" I said excitedly.

"Let's do this shi.."

"Emmett no swearing!" Esme interupted him before he could let the word loose.

"Yes mother."

"I love this idea! Can I go first!?" Carlisle jumped up and down.

"Whatever. As long as I get to eat sugar!" No one shall deny me sugar.

"Just as long as Emmett can have a bit."

"NEVER!" I shouted.

"A tiny bit?" Carlisle asked gently like that would calm me or something. Pfft.

"....okay. But not TOO much!" Stupid father is almost as calming as his emotional empathetic son.

"Gather on the front lawn peoples!" Esme ordered the family.

"Why the front lawn!"

"Cause it has grass!"

"And I can see Sir. Tapsalot again!" Jasper did one of those score signs with his left arm.

"BACK OFF HE'S MINE!" Bella argued.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Die!"

"I can't. HE won't let me!"

"Oh you mean Edward?"

"Nah... Count Dracula!"

"Nice!"

"Shut up Bella and Jasper. Or we'll never begin."

"Yes Alice," Jasper and I said at the same time.

Five minutes later we were in a perfect circle on the front lawn. Emmett wanted us to be like an alien crop circle so he made us sit perfectly and try not to move. Easy for a vampire to not move.. but no!

"Carlisle release your pent up secret to the family. We will not judge you," Esme said like a physiologist.

"Okay.... I... I-I... eat cars!"

"What?" Alice said dumbfoundly.

"Look Edward loves eating trees. I love eating cars... metal tastes delicious with coffee."

"Since when?"

"Oh around the mid nineteen eighties give or take a year."

"That's fair weird. Thank you for sharing Carlisle honey. This will not leave the family. What happens on the front lawn stays on the front lawn," Esme concluded.

"Hang on gotta call my year seven buddy to tell him my dad beatThis cause he eats cars!"

'Emmett no! INFORMATION STAYS ON THIS LAWN!" Esme said.

"Can I tell him on the lawn then? It's on the front lawn."

"Nice loophole son. I'm proud of you," Esme said. Emmett beamed like a kid on christmas.

"I want to go next!" Alice gleed.

"Alright Alice sweety. Let your secret out." Esme really should be a shrink or something. Wheres the skittles?

"I have never EVER bought completely grey clothes."

"Really?!" Everyone said at the same time. That is so hard to believe!

"What about that top you bought last season? That was grey!" Edward pointed out.

"NO IT WASN'T! It was a mixture between white and black!' Alice shouted.

"Isn't that grey?" I asked.

"IT'S NOT GREY! WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME? WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME!"

"It's cause you love pink," Emmett said. Oh. No. He. Did. Not

"WHAT?!?!? EMMETT CULLEN! TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Nah." As soon as he wouldn't Alice jumped on him and tackled him down the drive.

"Enough children. Do we need to put you in the white room again with the white straight jackets?"

That shut them up.

--

**APOV**

"I'm not talking to you Emmett McCarty Cullen ever again," I yelled in his face.

"Meh... I'll just talk to Rose instead... or maybe I won't just talk to her.'

"Yuck Emmett. Rose will take my side. Right Rose?"

"Hell to the yeah!"

"Then I'll talk to the trees," Emmett was running out of options.

"No cause I'll eat them before you get the chance!" Edward said smuggly.

"Edward, NO. No eating trees too much. They're bad for you!" Bella said.

"I wanna tell my secret. I wanna tell my secret now," Esme screamed. That reminds me. I have to go shopping. No idea how screaming reminds me of shopping.

"Go on Esme," Carlisle urged her.

"Wait.. I gotta say something to myself. Go on Esme let it out. No one shall judge you," Esme said.

She's talking to herself? She's the one that needs the shrink I dare say.

"Well it all goes back in 1992! I was so bored again. That's what happens regulary right? Well I was by myself as everyone else was out. We were in england at that time. And... so.... I kissed a girl."

Awkward silence.

"So... did you like it?" Bella asked.

"Yea if you did you could sing... I kissed a girl and I liked it!" Emmett sang offkey.

"No I didn't really."

"Dang wish I was there. That would have been ho-tt!"

"Emmett this is your freaking mother figure for goodness sake," Carlisle said. Rose slapped him over the head.

"You know what I could go with right now? CHOCOLATE! GIMME GIMME GIMME!" Bella broke the silence as she saw Emmett was conceiling a block of dairy milk chocolate with caramel in the middle.

"Esme your secret is valued and trusted within the family. You're turn is now over," Esme said to herself again. Weird huh?

O.o there's gonna be a sale at Hot Topic tomorrow morning at 10am that will be sprung without the public knowing.. except me.. cause I have awesome vampireness!

"I am going to go next," Jasper said staring down the rest of us as to say 'let me go next or I'll eat you!'.

"Gee man whatever. Don't eat me!" Emmett shouted. "I'm too young to do!"

"You're over 80 Emmett. That's the average life expectancy of a woman," Carlisle said in his doctor voice. Pretty sexy if you ask me. Damn he's my dad! Shut up Shut up Shut up Alice.

"Okay two things. One stop with the doctor tone and two I am not a woman!"

"Women are expected to live longer then men. Men have a life expectancy of around 76 whilst women its 80."

"Well.. still. I don't wanna die."

"Jasper let out your secret before Emmett, Alice and Carlisle get into a major fight," Esme said.

"A few years ago I robbed the biggest bank in America and stole fifty million dollars because, like Esme, I was bored and wanted to make a suit out of money notes/bills."

"Wtf man. That is some serious boredness dude. Human high five me," Edward cheered... Edward?

"I know.. and that annoying guy down the street from us that liked Alice got the blame for it and he's spending the rest of his life in jail. I laugh."

Carlisle and Esme were speechless.

"I need coffee!" Carlisle outbursted.

"Hey guys theres a fluffy orange cat over there!" Emmett yelled

"Wow he's rolling around on the grass."

"Lionage!"

"Emmett what the hell is lionage?"

"Meh a cat like lion. Omg it's having a spaz attack with a piece of grass!" Alice cried out.

"Like you Alice over the last Gucci bag in the shop," Esme inputted.

"Ye... HEY!"

--

**EmPOV**

Our family is screwed (for a better word) up. But I love it! I wouldn't trade this family in for some Brady Bunch Family any day. Hahaha OMG BUT WE COULD BE THE BRADY BUNCH! 3 girls and 3 boys with a mother and a father. Memories of that show scare me.

But then again.. Esme scared me... Carlisle is fair weird and man I love Jasper. Not in the perverted sense too. That's Edward's job.

"Let's all celebrate Thanksgiving!"

"Emmett that was two days ago," Rose stated.

"But.. but we can have a post Thanksgiving too!"

"No that defeats the purpose."

"But I got a turkey!" Emmett ran around the back of the house and came back holding a live turkey.

"Dear god can this get any more weirder today?"

"Hello... is Emmett here?" We all froze at that unfamiliar voice.

"Come back later we're in a predicament," Carlisle said gently. I was being tackled by Jasper and Emmett as the turkey made a bid for freedom, Carlisle was drinking coffee, Alice and Rose has Bella tied to a tree away from the sugar and Esme was spinning around in circles.

"Um.. okay sorry for bothering you."

"KEVIN WAIT!!!! NOOOO! Guys that was my year seven friend! Why can't I have any friends over? I clean my room!" Emmett cried as his little friend ran back down the drive.

"So who's next?"

"I'm thinking Bella because she needs to get her mind off of sugar," Rose said sternly.

"**Um.... I'vehad a fantasy about another person before."**

"OMG WHAT?!?!" Alice said.

"No comment."

"Gee Eddie. You're more prudish then Bella never had a fella here," Emmett said.

"Emmett go die!"

"I'M TOO YOUNG!"

"Pfft no you're not."

"Enough. Now Bella is that all you want to say?" Esme asked her. I would never have suspected Bella to fantasise about someone other then Edward. That's soo intriguing.

Bella blushed before answering, "No." (A/N: Anyone want to guess who it is?)

"Well then. Your secret is safe with us.. besides Emmett." He was already on the phone apologising to his 'buddy'.

"Rose can go next I think."

"Fine! Whatever floats your boat. My deepest secret is that I'm the master of pick up lines."

Emmett's mouth was hanging open.

"I didn't know that!"

"There's lots of stuff you don't know. Close your mouth. I don't like flies." Rose said.

"Well then... give us a pick up line then!" Emmett challenged Rose. O.o this is gonna be perverted.

"If my left leg was thanksgiving and my right leg was christmas would you meet me in between the holidays?" **(A/N: Yes I googled disgusting pick up lines. Some sure as hell were over T rated. I also had help from someone who combined two to make this one. You know who you are. I promise not to be this disgusting again in chapters. I'm just really bored.)**

Silence again.

"Oh My God! Rose thats bad. My ears!" I shouted. Never again... ARRGH!

"Sorry but Emmett did ask."

"Rose refrain from using them in public. No one will mention this outside of the family. Now let's all have a five minute break to calm ourselves down," Esme said.

--

**JPOV**

So many emotions! Scared, amused, disapointed, ashamed and.. turned on. Of course the last is Emmett. I had to escape for a minute! Run run run legs!

"Okay recess is over! We have Emmett's and Edward's secrets to be revealed yet. This long day is not over yet... though it has been VERY VERY interesting," Esme ordered everyone back into the crop circle.

"I don't want to go last! I wanna go next!" Emmett shouted.

"Fine Emmett keep your pants on," I said.

"It would help if I knew where they were."

"Try on your bedroom floor where you and Rose ended up during the five minute interval!"

"Oh good observation shirlock."

"I like dressing in pink clothes when I get bored," he finally said.

"O.o now who's gay?" Edward laughed.

"You.. at least I get some."

"When do you do this Emmett?"

"Yeah remember that time when I said I was brushing my teeth? Well.... tee hee," Emmett said.

"Oh god you mean...." I trailed off.

"Oh yeah baby!"

"That's just sad. Edward what do you think?

"What the hell man? Secret my butt!" Edward said.

"At least I'm not prudish."

"Now theres a story for another time. Now Edward. Spill your secret to the family."

"No no let me say that! Emmett your... disturbing secret will stay with us... no Kevin. Edward you can now share your secret with trust in us," Esme said and Edward scoffed. His emotion is hesitant.

"I... erh... once had a crush last year on.. DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT!"

"Just say it!" Emmett shouted in Edward's ear.

"Okay... I had a SMALL crush on.. H-H.. Hannah Montana. There I said it. Happy?"

Silence for the third time. Cue the laughter then. I could feel the laughter before it happened.

"OMC that is soo funny! Way to go! Crushing on the girl who has the best of both worlds. Would it have made the best of your ONE world? Don't forget nobody's perfect!" Emmett sneered.

"Says the one that named two of her songs in one sentence Emmett," Edward retorted back.

"Oh so that's why you had both of her CDs in your collection. I rememeber asked you and you said they were Alice's," Bella said.

"WHAT?! Edward you liar and pedophile! They are SOO yours!" Alice screamed.

"Okay okay! Sorry Alice."

"You better be."

"Okay guys. Dinner time for the human," Esme said while trying not to laugh. At least she had the decency. Carlisle was laughing himself senseless.

"CRAP!" Carlisle shouted. He has spilt his coffee on himself, "NOOO I wanted that!" With that he ran inside and took off his pants and put some new ones on. Then came back outside licking his pants to get the coffee off.

"Oh dear god! Just make another. Carlisle you're not normal! This is sad!" Esme said.

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**A/N: I'm sooooooo sorry that this chapter might not be very funny. I don't think it is that funny at all. I'm just really stressed about my drama play tomorrow as I get shy over performing in front of crowds and this is a two hour play and yeah.**

**Thank you everyone for reading! OMG I'M SOO HIGH ON LEMONADE RIGHT NOW ITS SERIOUSLY SICKENING! **

**Well see you next chapter! Out next weekend sometime! Hopefully Friday.**

**Can we get up to 450 reviews? That's only 14 needed. Next chapter is one of **_Hawtalon. of. Windclan's_** ideas. There is like three which I'm going to use in the next 10 chapters that I already have ideas for.**

**-----------------------------------------------**

**Preview for Chapter 27: **"I'm going to suck this blood!"

**Review for chapter title and EXTENDED preview of next chapter**

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**--------RANTING SESSION DONT HAVE TO READ ----------------**

**Well I need to have a little ranting session for a moment or two. You do not have to read but yeah. What I've been noticing lately is that people from other countries think Australia is all about koalas, crocodiles, Steve Irwin, Uluru, Swatters, kangaroos and grasslands. **

**Okay to make this clear... Australia is just like America and such. We have normal houses with tv, dvds, computers etc. Not everyone speaks the lingo of 'Gday Mate!' and has a heavy Australian accent like in the movie '**_The Castle'_** if you've ever seen that. **

**I've been asked five times if I ride in a kangaroo's pouch to school. Ever heard of animal cruelty? I'm fair sure thats illegal. No one has ever done that that I have read in history books etc. **

**Australia has fast food outlets and even Starbucks.**

**Heres something I found on some random's fanfiction profile while looking for good stories to read.**

_**What do you think of when you hear Australia?**_

Koalas and grassland

**We don't wrestle crocodiles daily and its illegal I think to own a kangaroo or koala etc unless you're part of an animal health centre nursing them to health. Even then you need a licence.**

**If you see the movie **_'Australia'_** with Nicole Kidman in it... that is not how Australia really is. Well maybe some of it in central Australia is but hardly. **

**--------------------------------- RANTING SESSION OVER! THANK YOU!----------------------**


	27. Fake Blood Bet Race

**Chapter Twenty Seven: Fake Blood Bet Race**

**Disclaimer: Oh.. pfft. I DO own Kevin, Sir Tapsalot and a fluffy orange cat that eats me and then another black cat that sits on my homework.**

**A/N: Well evening. Thanks for everyones reviews. You all motivated me to write quicker. Thus this chapter out a day earlier. Actually this chapter was meant to be out Thursday but I wrote chapter one of my new story instead cause I had no inspiration for this chapter. **

**Oh did I mention I have a Free Webs Website. I'm going to add pictures from this story there but I'll also still have them on my fanfiction profile.**

**NEXT CHAPTER OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!**

**WEDNESDAY THE 10TH OF DECEMBER!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed Chapter 26. (In order! You all made me laugh): **_Lady Saruman_**(pfft), **_Rachael Clare_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_girlygurl12_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**(x3), **_Hawktalon. of. Windclan_**, **_twilightgal101_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_angelluvu4eva_**, **_._**, **_*_(B.3.C)_*_**(anon), and **_ZaraPotterCullen_

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**EPOV**

Now why?!? Life is totally boring at the moment and my siblings have noticed that too. Emmett is currently singing 'Sex on Fire' in his mind just to make fun of me. Though mental images of HIM and ROSE actually doing it while on fire a little is not something I want to see!

You wouldn't have believed half the stuff that I've done this morning.

"Yes you would. You just paced your bedroom all night as Bella slept," Alice called.

"Did not! I also polished the floor!"

"Not to mention the ceiling. I can see myself in it when I look up. There's like a mirror on the ceiling. O.o can you do mine? I NEED another mirror in my room!"

"Alice no. Bad Alice," Jasper said randomly from the garage. Oh god he better not be tinkering with my brakes again. Last time he did in an act of evilness then blamed it on Kevin.

"Better not be hurting Viola!" I yelled to Jasper.

"I ain't. Though Carlisle is eyeing it!"

"Carlisle DO NOT eat Viola. I'll cry," I shouted in despair.

"You named your freaking car?" Alice said in my doorway.

"Yeah. Viola the Volvo. Alliteration. ENGLISH ROCKS!"

"Edward you need help. Carlisle won't eat your car by the way. He's saving it for a midnight snack on the 10th of December 2050." **(A/N: Oh god I'll be 58 then.)**

"Better keep my eye on him."

"Moving on. I wanna do something interesting today. Rose and Emmett have both just left gone to go out hunting but they should be home sometime later. Don't know when yet," Alice told me that bit of information... and not Jasper.

After Bella had woken, showered and eaten breakfast we were both in the Living Room staring at the fireplace as bored as you could get.

"How bout a card game? I have cards with Spongebob characters on the back of them?" Bella said randomly while I looked at my shoe.

"What game then?"

"GO FISH!" Wait... Emmett? Isn't he supposed to be hunting?

"BULLSHIT!" Emmett yelled again.

"Emmett no swearing!" Esme called from the bedroom.

"But it's the name of a card game!"

"I don't care. Do I have to send you to the naughty corner with that hideous brown chair?"

"I'LL BE GOOD I SWEAR!"

"Now go hunting with Rose. Don't make me beat you with a stick!"

"How about we play Bella Barbie?"Alice said.

"Not until you have polished your spoons," Esme replied in a motherly tone.

"Pfft."

"Oh I have the ultimate best idea known to man since the age of the dinosaurs being wiped out by the Ice Age in which I love that movie!" Emmett interupted.

"What?" Bella asked.

"What is your ultimate best idea Emmett? Aren't you meant to be hunting?" I asked.

"Meh. Someone ate all the bears!" He looked at Jasper._ I know it was Jasper that evil maniac!_ He thought.

"Look I went on a rampage! Kill me!" Jasper said.

"Nah I much rather kill Bella. At least she wants me too."

"Who said I didn't want to?"

"The Muffin Man!"

"OMC NOOOOOO I told you not to talk to the Muffin Man!" Carlisle cried.

"Why can't I talk to the M Meister?"

"You gave him a nickname?" Carlisle was shocked.

"EVERYBODY HAS NICKNAMES! Carlisle is Big C, Edward is Eddie, Jasper is Jazzimatron, Alice is Pixie Muncher, Rose is HotnSexy, Esme is Mother Essie, Bella is B Dawg and I, myself am the All Mighty Emmsex!"

"Whatever. Please Emmett just tell the bloody idea before we all become elders," Carlisle said.

"HAHAHAHA we already are elders," Emmett laughed and Bella coughed.

"Except for Bella though," he added.

"Erh sorry about that. That cough wasn't an intentional cough to get my humanness noticed. I just had a tickle in my throat," Bella said.

----

**BPOV**

"IDEA NOW!" Carlisle yelled. Someone hasn't gotten their hourly coffee yet.

Maybe cause I stole ALL the coffee beans? MWAHAHAHA

"Well we go to the field where we play baseball and set up a really long track there. Then fill up like 10 big coolers full of red gatorade and set it up. Everyone begins racing and do a lap.

After that they have to down two cups of red gatorade which I'm gonna call Fake Blood cause I'm cool. It continues until everyone but one person throws up the red gatorade. That person is the winner!" Emmett took a big breath.

"Wow that is pretty awesome. But we have to make it fun! And the only fun way is to BET!" Alice said excitedly while the rest of us groaned. No one should bet against Alice.

"I bet on number 16!" Emmett bursted out.

"There is no number 16!" Alice shouted.

"Can we move on? I'm not getting any younger!" I yelled.

"Where was I?"

"Alice you were over there next to Jasper on his right," Edward injected

"Ah.. thank you. All 5 of us 'younger by physical age' vampires race. Whoever wins gets to take one personal belonging from the four losers and do whatever they want with them. Now what will you guys give up? I shall give up my pink stelletos."

"I'll give up my pet rock; Rockmunchy" Jasper said.

"Hmm.... my Debussy CD," Edward said.

"ALL my lipsticks,"Rosalie said.

"The Welcome Mat!" Edward shouted.

"The welcome mat isn't yours Emmett to bet with," Carlisle eduated him.

"Why not?"

"Cause you didn't pay for it."

"What if I do?"

"Well then give me one thousand dollars then," Carlisle smirked. He knew too well that the mat was only worth like ten dollars.

"Alright!" Emmett said gleefully handing over the money. Everyone then laughed.

"What did I miss?" Emmett asked.

"Just someone being stupid," Alice said.

"WHERE!? WHERE!?" Emmett cried.

That just made us laugh more. God I love Emmett and his antics. I just wanna eat antics.. to make me even more hyper.

"Bella? Bella? Wake up. You look like you're gonna eat something," Alice shook my shoulders.

"MWAHAHAHA!" I laughed.

"Oh god. Someone get the hose!" Carlisle cried.

"Can't. Jasper ate it," Rose stated.

This family just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Edward eats trees, Carlisle snacks on cars and now Jasper munches hoses. WTF?

"Okay lets just set up this track. Jasper get the gatorade!" Carlisle ordered.

"Alright you show them Big C!" Emmett yelled.

"No."

We were setting up the required down in the field where we play baseball. I turned to see Jasper was carrying the container of 'fake' blood to use in the race. He looked VERY excited.

"I'm going to suck this blood!" Jasper said excitedly.

"Look you do know it's fake right?" I said.

"Erh... what happens if I didn't?"

"Then you fail miserably as a vegetarian vampire!" Alice suddenly said.

"NOOOOO! It's not real then," Jasper cried.

"That's right Jazzie."

----

**EsPOV**

What a strange family I have.

"Yours not wrong there Esme," Edward said.

"Stop reading my brain!" I said.

"Can't stop. Your thoughts just scream out 'read me'."

"Well.. thats okay then. Just as long as they don't scream out 'eat me'. I'll never forgive you if you ate my brain," I said back.

"Ima getting to thinking that we should really finish setting up this track so the kids can race before Emmett breaks free from the child restraint I put on him and drink all the gatorade," Carlisle said.

Ah that child restraint really comes in handy. To be fair its just glad wrap wrapped around Emmett a few times. **(A/N: Bring back any recent memories Rach?).**

What would we do without the restraint? Or the cage?

Possibly eat him?

Half an hour later the track was set out and marked with cool coloured cones! So rainbow-tastic!

The 5 vampire siblings were discussing rules over there while Carlisle was setting out three deck chairs about 30 metres away from the track bit so we wouldn't get dust all over us.

"Carlisle can I have some coffee?" Bella asked. EVERYONE stopped. No one asks for coffee in this house.

"What? No one shall steal my coffee. A conspirary I tell you!" Here he goes again.

"Please?"

"In my day. We had water to drink. Drink water. Coffee is my religion! Stay away from my coffee or I'll bite you!"

"Erh.. but I want to be bitten,"

"Oh well stay away or I'll eat you!"

"Alright.. can I make you a coffee though? Ever tried an ice coffee?" Bella asked.

"O.o no. But gimme gimme gimme!"

"Alright.. keep your excitement down," Bella said running to the car where Carlisle brought 3 kilograms/pounds of coffee. Wait.. she just tripped.

"Hey grass. Have you seen the carpet and concrete lately?" Bella talked to the grass.

"Well I've seen them both in the last week. They say hi and ask what conditioner you use to get your colour so nice and attractive looking. Green just looks so comfy to sit on in the shade," Bella continued as if the grass answered back.

"Bella I want my coffee!" Carlisle wined. Dang my husband sounds like a child.

"Better go grass. Catch ya later!" Bella said getting up.

Counselling for the family I think is needed.

"Okay Rose, Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Edward. Line up at the starting line! After every lap you have to drink 2 cups of gatorade. When all 10 coolers are gone you have to keep on running until the last person hasn't thrown up. They are the winner," I laid out the rules clearly cause they were arguing over throwing up.

That sounds weird doesn't it? Arguing about throwing up. Even worse when vampires are arguing about throwing up.

"And we shall begin soon," Carlisle said.

Then suddenly there was a gun shot and all of the five were off racing at vampire speed.

"Honey why do you have a gun?" I asked.

"Meh Charlie gave it to me."

"Why?"

"He said incase I ever needed to shoot Edward."

"Ooohh nice work!" I said. It wouldn't work though. MWAHAHA

"I know."

Jasper just tripped over into Edward as he snacked on a tree on the side. HAHA.

"What the heck are you doing eating a tree?" Jasper said.

"No idea man. Just got this... sudden...urge!"

"Oh okay. I'm gonna win this!"

----

**CPOV**

This was sooo priceless. I would actually pay money for this.

"Esme take photos please," I said to my darling wife.

"Already am."

"Then let's put them on myspace and facebook!" Bella said excitedly.

"I like the way you think Bella!"

So far Rosalie, Edward and Alice caved. It was just Jasper and surprisingly Emmett still in the running for the others' personal belongings. Oh help us all!

"Go Emmett!" Rosalie screamed as Emmett kept running.

"Go Jasper!" Alice cried. Edward just stood there with a blank face. Stupid son.

"GO ME!" Bella shouted from my left. Too many drugs I say.

"Need... more... coffee!" I whined. I really needs a new hobby like knitting or something.

"You just had two cups! I think you're only allowed 6 cups a day then it gets bad for you," Alice said.

"I'm a vampire we don't need to watch how many cups we down!"

"Yep he's high," Edward said.

"Am not! I LOVE being a vampire!"

"Never thought I'd hear Carlisle say that."

"Moving on! Emmett looks like he's about to throw up," Edward said.

"How can you tell?" Esme asked.

"Well despite reading his thoughts he's doing some kinda pigeon dance and his head is bobbing up and down like he's about to throw up."

"Nice details. I was eating!"

"Carlisle it's coffee!"

"Woop woop woop woop!" I started rolling around on the ground. Did Bella spike my coffee?

"Erh I switched brands of coffee," Esme said. 

Just then the winner was revealed. It was....

....

Emmett? OMC! Emmett won for once?

"My monkey man," Rose stated.

"WOW after all his failed attemps at Deal or No Deal, Scavenger Hunt, Wii games, and such he finally won," I said in utter shock. **(A/N: I HAD to let Emmett win this once. I feel sorry for him.)**

"WOOH! I WON!" Emmett yelled and then threw up. O.o... get a bucket?

"Congratulations Emmett," Esme said.

"Okay now I've won all your stuff hand it over." The 4 others groaned. Sucked in!

"So Carlisle how much do you wanna pay for the welcome mat back?" Emmett asked.

"Ten dollars!"

"Alright score... profit!" he said. So stupid. He just lost over nine hundred dollars.

"How about you Alice?" Emmett asked.

"COFFEE!" With that I ran to the car, drove off to get more coffee! Success begins with coffee!

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**A/N: Again.. sorry if this isn't that hilarious. I'm a tad busy with christmas stuff and my formal in 5 days, last week of school and my birthday in 4 days.**

**I HAVE A NEW TWILIGHT FANFICTION OUT AS WELL! **

**I posted Chapter one last night and am sooo excited about it. **

**Title: Love in the Restaurant**

**Summary: Bella Swan has just opened a new restaurant. Across the street Edward Cullen owns a music store. He decides to check out this new restaurant and chemistry is immediate between the two. How do they attract the other one? ALL HUMAN**

**Rating: T for now?**

**Moving on. Can the review goal be 475? I cannot wait to get to 500 in the next few chapters. Hopefully by chapter 30. Chapter 28 is my birthday chapter to myself.**

**---------------------------------------**

**Preview for Chapter 28**: "This contraption does not seem to like me. I must kill it!"

**Review for Chapter 28 title and EXTENDED preview.**

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------**


	28. Technology Strikes

**Chapter Twenty Eight: Technology Strikes**

**Disclaimer: I LOVE Twilight. But that doesn't mean I own it.**

**A/N: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY! I'M 16 YEARS OLD!**

**If you want to know what I got for my birthday then ask in a review. The best birthday present you can give me is a review. **

**OKAY JUST THIS ONE THING!**

**ONE OF MY FRIENDS GOT ME A BIGGGGG (AND IM TALKING BIG) JAR FULL OF SKITTLES!**

**This chapter is yet another idea from Hawktalon. of. Windclan. I love her ideas. **

**This chapter was really fun to write because I love to see them battle it out with technological devices and the devices winning. Well enough of me yabbing on like a yabbie.... Yes I'm on a sugar high.**

**Thank you to those who reviewed the previous chapter. (In Order): **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_Lady Saruman_**(x6), **_TeaCullen_**, **_girlygurl12_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**, **_twilightgal101_**, **_angelluvu4eva_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_jamester56_**(anon) and **_._**.**

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**JPOV**

"You're a womanizer baby!" Emmett sang from downstairs. It was his Britney Spears Karaoke theme at the moment because he'd been through all the others available. This was pure torture and we needed something to occupy our very beings on this planet that we call Earth.

"Who are you talking to Emmett?" Alice asked.

"Meh Edward."

"Are you implying I'm gay?" Edward yelled.

"Nah just that your a womanizer," Emmett laughed.

"Bella's the only one for me."

"Awh that's so cute. Kodak moment!" Alice said pulling out a camera and ran downstairs at vampire speed to take a photo of Edward.

"Plus that old lady down the street." Emmett added.

"That's you Emmett. You were the one that went down to her house at 3am naked asking for sugar."

"So?" Emmett questioned.

"Well first of al. NAKED? And second. We don't eat so why did you need sugar?"

"Cause I wanted sugar."

"What would you do with sugar while your naked?" Edward asked.

Emmett didn't say anything. He just looked at Rose. Oh My God!

Yep we need something to occupy ourselves now. Not in the sense that Emmett would suggest either.

"Oh oh. An idea. How about we each learn how to use a new piece of technology?" I suggested.

"Golly good suggestion," Emmett quirked.

"You're not english Emmett," Rose said.

"Bollocks," he replied.

"I like your style," Carlisle said, "It's time in this day and age to learn new technology. You don't have to take part in it but who would like to learn what?"

The room was silent for a moment. You could hear those funny crickets making a noise!

Conspiracy those bugs are!

"Pfft I'll tackle this evil thingo called the Food Blender!" I said.

"Me and the internet cable need to have a word with each other," Alice said through her teeth while staring evily at the cable in the Lounge Room.

"O.o I am so picking a fight with the toaster! Last time it ate my toast then tried to eat the knife I shoved in there but it was metal so the toaster couldn't chew it," Emmett beamed.

"Emmett you are weird. Even kids know not to put metal knives into a toaster. It's bad for you and ESPECIALLY the toaster. The toaster is cute!" Rosalie said.

Take that Emmett.

"Well it ate my toast!"

"First off. You're not even meant to be eating toast! Second. So what. It has to cook the bloody thing don't you think it gets hungry too?"

Emmett was in deep concentration.

"I know.. I'll feed it some water!"

"NO!" everyone shouted.

"Spoilsports!" Emmett said. Everyone ignored him.

--

**APOV**

THIS IS GOING TO BE A BLAST! AGAIN... MOST LIKELY LITERALLY!

"I don't want to be a part of mastering some device. I'll just watch the amusement," Rose said. Oh course she wouldn't.

"My sentiments exactly," Bella agreed with Rose. At least I could understand her reasoning.

"Don't wanna face the wrath of a device eh Bella? Too chicken?" Emmett bawked.

"No. I already know how to work the internet, blender and toaster! I can cook.. and I have to email my mum like every few days."

"Oh pfft. Smart ass," Emmett replied.

"Just being sour cause you've been beaten by a girl!" Jasper laughed.

"A HUMAN girl!" Edward added.

"Well... well! I have a REALLY BIG jar of skittles in my room!" Emmett said. (A/N: Got that for my birthday. It really is big.)

"OMG gimme gimme gimme!"Bella cried and raced up to Emmett's room.

"Bella I wouldn't go up in the-" Alice called but was interupted by Bella's scream.

"-re," she finished after.

Bella came running back downstairs with the skittle jar and sat in the corner rocking back and forth.

"Must. Never. Go. In. There. Again. Mortified. Scared. Sex," Bella muttered but we could all hear!

Cause we're vampires!

"The computer shall be mine! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Carlisle laughed evilly.

"O-Okay. Edward you have WAY to many CDs. Ever heard of an ipod?" I asked.

"Stupid stupid machinery," Edward replied.

"Well USE ONE!"

"Fine I'll attempt!" Edward shouted.

Five minutes later everyone had their contraption set up in either the kitchen or Lounge Room.

Freaking internet cable wanting to overpower me!

"You have the rest of the day, which is six hours, to basically learn to use or master your chosen contraption. Esme, Rose and Bella will be the onlookers to make sure you don't cheat. But how you do cheat is beyond me.... EMMETT!" Carlisle said.

Emmett was trying to sabotage Jasper's blender.

"I don't have a problem with tha-" Edward started to say but got the evil glare from me. "We do have a problem with that."

I don't wanna be watched over by them. Just cause I'm short doesn't mean I need a babysitter!" I cried.

"Erh.. it's not a babysitter. Alice calm down. Have a cookie!" Esme said and offered me a cookie. I took it.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"You know. Maybe we should start," Rose said.

"Yea.. we're running outa time and I have to clean my room for tomorrow," Emmett said. (A/N: haha I actually do before my formal tomorrow!)

"Okay okay. LET THE TECHNOLOGY MASTERING THINGO BEGIN!" Carlisle shouted. I ran to my stupid internet cable to learn to use it without it saying that I can't cause I'm not connected to it.

--

**EmPOV**

Dun dun dun dun TOASTER! I'm gonna show it who's boss! Jasper and I were both in the kitchen with Rose and Esme watching us because aparently I need to be CAREFULLY watched over.

"Why won't this blender be nice to me?" Jasper asked.

"It's cause you're too pale!" I shouted back.

"You're even paler."

"Dude can vampires be different shades?"

"Yeah. That Laurent person was olive."

"Pfft but he was french."

"Whatever!" Rose cried. "Continue before I eat you both!"

"Rose don't eat Jasper. I need him tonight," Alice shouted.

"Hahah for some hanky panky."

"No Emmett. He needs to be my model.. again."

"Kinky," I injected again. God I love my sex mind.

"I'm going to see how Carlisle and Alice are getting along," Rose said and left the room.

"What happens if I put in some of these weird red things in the blender?" Jasper asked.

"They're strawberries Jazzimatron," Esme said. Even she uses my nicknames.. well Bella came up with it AGES ago.

"Well I shall give it a shot!" Jasper put in like 20 strawberries.

"Now to turn this blender on." Jasper went to turn the switch on.

"Jasper don't!" Esme interupted but it was too late.

The whole kitchen became covered in strawberry bits. None was left in the the blender.

"OMG the kitcken is bleeding!" I shouted. "Call the ambulance peoples!"

"Emmett its strawberries," Esme explained.

"Pfft I totally knew that brother from another mother."

"I am your mother. Not your brother that was born from another woman."

"Soz Moztha E."

"Try not to be gangsta Emmett!" Alice shouted.

"Oops I did it again!" I shouted.

"Or Britney!"

"I am back. Back again. Mr Toaster!"

"Emmett just try and learn how to wield the toaster," Rose said coming back into the room.

"Alright. Now to find some toast."

"Hey Emmett," Jasper said.

"What?"

"Say toast twenty times really fast!"

"Toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast, toast."

"What do you put in a toaster?"

"Toast."

"NOPE BREAD!"

"Oh... mwahaha!" That joke was pretty awesome! But I'm more awesomer!

"Found the to- bread! Now to feed it to the toaster."

"Omg I know the best way to clean up the kitchen. I'm going to lick up some of these strawberries on the counter!" Jasper said.

"Ew Jasper. You... go... lick.. it. But mouthwash before you kiss me again!" Alice said.

"Fine!"

--

**RPOV**

I decided to check on Carlisle and Alice were going. Hopefully they were more productive then Emmett and Jasper. I was wrong. Carlisle was attempting to strangle the computer.

"Which is the mouse?" he asked.

"Carlisle its the one thats attached to the computer but able to be lifted up," Bella said.

"This stupid thing?"

"No thats the keyboard.. wait.. was the keyboard. You can't just go and crush parts of the techonological device."

"But..but. It hates me. It's a conspiracy!"

"No.. look heres the mouse," Bella said pointing to the mouse.

"Well I didn't see it!"

"Carlisle stop being a baby!" I said.

"I'm not"! He whined.

"AHA! Stupid internet! You're mine!" Alice cried successfully.

"I have now accessed Ebay and you let me! Now to buy some shoes!"

"Erh well I'm going to go back to see how Emmett's faring," I said.

I walked back into the kitchen to see Emmett fiddling with the toaster plug.

"I wonder what will happen if I put this plug here...." Emmett said thoughtfully.

"Emmett I don't think you're meant to put that plug into a glass of water," I said.

Oh god.. way to electricute yourself.

Everyone seems to be having trouble with their technological device. Carlisle for example.

"This contraption does not seem to like me. I must kill it!"

"Carlisle why?" Esme asked.

"Cause it won't turn on."

"Maybe cause that isn't the on button."

"What the hell is?!"

"Well this big blue coloured button on the bottom left corner is the on button. Now press the ON button," Bella said slowly like talking to a five year old.

Carlisle then 'pressed' the button.

"No.. I said pressed! You just smacked the computer through the wall to the front lawn! You failed Carlisle."

Carlisle hung his head.

"Coffee helps depression!" he cheered up at his words and fled to the kitchen.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you," Bella called to him.

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**A/N: Yea I've had a few... dozen... skittles and so I'm a little sugar high at the moment but hey it's my birthday.**

**Oh plus this afternoon wasn't that good as my sister decided to pick an argument with me ON my birthday so yeah. I kinda lost my motivation for this chapter that I had so I'm terribly sorry that it may not be as good. WOW I have said that this past 3 chapters.**

**Only 2 more days of school left. Then 2 months of holidays. **

**Tomorrow is my Formal. I'm ditching the day of school to sleep in and get ready.**

**Meh.. then a group of us are staying at one of the friends house and most likely not sleeping then have to go to school that morning. The formal ends at like 11:30 and its 20 minutes away so yea.**

**OMG AND THEN ON FRIDAY NIGHT IM GOING TO SEE THE TWILIGHT MOVIE WITH FRIENDS CAUSE ITS OUT IN AUSTRALIA TOMORROW!**

**Now shut up Anita and give preview.**

**--------------------------------**

**Preview: **"What kind of a wild goosechase is this?"

**Review for Chapter Title and EXTENDED preview of Chapter 29**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------**


	29. Back to Childhood

**Chapter Twenty Nine: Back to Childhood**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight... or Skittles :(**

**A/N: This chapter is the 3rd idea in a row by **_Hawktalon (dot) of (dot) Windclan._

**I shall be posting a Christmas Chapter on the 25th of December which is Christmas. Coincidence? I think not.**

**My friend **_Lady Saruman_** wrote a one shot about Alice and Jasper. She posted it on my birthday as a present seeing as we live on different sites of the world. It would mean a lot to me if you read her story and reviewed it. **

**Title: **Every Second

**Summary: **Set during the Holocaust. Jasper is a vampire and a member of the Gestapo, and Alice is a prisoner. Fate is cruel to them because of their differences. Yet that did not stop them from loving each other. AU

**I'll put the link to it on my profile at the top**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter and wished me a Happy Birthday. (I Order): **_Lady Saruman_**, **__**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_twilightgal101,__AliceC1_**,**_ bbbff1996_**, **_i mentioned i'm crazy right_**, **_TeaCullen_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**, **_Vampy-Lover767_**, **_Hawktalon (dot) of (dot) Windclan_**, **_Haley(_**anon), and **_chicken wing jasper is hot_**.,**

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**JPOV**

"Dancing in the Moonlight!" I blurted out randomly in the LoungeRoom.

"Great does this mean you're bored?" Edward asked.

"Why would you think that?" I asked.

"Well cause I can read your mind and whenever Emmett is bored he randomly yells lyrics from a song. Last time it was from 'Shake It'. Kill me!"

"Pfft well I am bored."

"I passed the kindergarten test!" Emmett shouted jumping through the room. Rose followed suit.

"On your fifty-third time," she said. Man the family is weird. Although I can talk... I'M EVIL!! MWAHAHA. You know I passed the kindergarten test when I was five... erh that I can remember. OH GOD.

I forget if I went to school. I need to go sit in the corner and dry cry about my non recollection of my life before I was a vampire before the war. Depressing isn't it?

"Let's all go and watch Camp Rock!" Alice chirped.

"What that new disney movie out with the Jonas Brothers in it?" Rose asked.

"Hell yeah!" So now I have to watch my wife stare at Joe Jonas for an hour and a half... great. Too bad the corner is getting renovated because of that... thing... Emmett did last night. **(A/N: I may have a.. erh.. slight addiction to Camp Rock, which is kinda sad I reckon. But love it cause it's corny and beats Hannah Montanta. Gah I hate HM.)**

"Too bad guys. I know exactly what we can do!" Bella laughed like a maniac.

"Shower naked?" Emmett asked.

"Oh god no. What the hell Emmett?"

"I don't know. I'm losing my funny aren't I?"

"Yeah... it's turning more into the perverted, sick range." Bella said honestly. I like honesty. It sounds like some kind of beef in my opinion.

"Dang it. I'll try harder. Thanks for telling me Bella," Emmett thanked Bella.

"Anytime. Now onto the idea that I have. Let's all play a few games that young kids play."

Oh my god.. why me? Just when I can't even remember my childhood? I'm getting to thinking that the world hates me. We'll see who's laughing after I take over the world! I evil laughed.

"Why is Jasper laughing on the couch and rocking back and forth?" Bella asked Edward.

"He's planning world domination," Edward replied. Stop talking about me!

"That explains it," Bella said like it was nothing new. Meh it actually wasn't. I should act out my plans.

"Moving on. I wanna play kids games!! I wanna play kids games!!" Emmett cried gleefully clapping his hands bouncing up and down on the couch. And they think I'm weird rocking?

"Okay well there's this one game that I personally like. It's called 'Stuck in the Mud'." Bella began.

"I heart mud. I'm gonna marry it," Emmett bursted out earning a slap from Rosalie on his arm.

"Erh... we can be married as a three?" he added as a question to Rose. Alice burst out laughing. She's copying me... mwahaha wifey copies hussy.

"That s-sounded per-perverted Emmett," Alice managed to say while laughing her brain out.

----

**EsPOV**

"The aim of Stuck in the Mud is that one person is 'it' and the rest are running away from the person who's 'it'. If a person gets touched by 'it' then they have to stop running and are 'stuck in mud' in a sense. The only way to get out of the mud is if another person who isn't 'it' climbs underneath their legs to free them from the mud,"

Bella said.

Man that took a while. I thought I would like die of longness but nonetheless... I lived. Though we can't die.

"Awwwww man. My coffee is cold!" Carlisle cried. Stupid baby and his coffee. Sometimes I think he loves it more then he loves me. **(A/N: Kay this has no relevance but OMG I had my first energy drink on Wednesday and I went... to put it simple.... ABSOLUTELY PHYSCO!! Poor KFC people witnessing it.)**

"Put your coffee in the microwave for thirty seconds or something," I said with a bored tone.

"But.. but that makes it taste different," Carlisle whined.

"Big C I LOVE YOU!" Emmett burst out. Wow too many drugs. I wonder where he found them.

"Pfft OMG now who's the gay one?" Edward screamed out.

"You are. You just screamed," Emmett bickered back.

"I'm not the one who just admitted to loving Carlisle."

"Yeah but it was in a fatherly son act of love," Emmett said.

"I give up!" Edward said and stomped over to the newly renovated corner that had just been fixed.

"What the hell? I want that corner!" Jasper cried out from his foetal position on the couch.

"Go get your own!" Edward yelled back.

"Just shut up so that we can play," Bella ordered the family. I like it when girls boss around guys. It makes me smile for women rights around the world and that block of cheese with a flag on it.

The room was silent.

"Whoa man. That was powerful. I sense some angry radiation off of you dude. Totally chill out man. Chillax," Jasper said in like one of those hippy tones. Okay an evil hippy... that makes some sort of image in my mind. I shuddered.

"Ah yeah. I should stop being weird shouldn't I?" Jasper asked.

"You think?" Alice scoffed.

"OKAY.... who wants to be 'it'?" Bella asked bringing the conversation back on track.

"Edward would like to be 'it'," Edawrd said. What the?

"Edward did you just speak about yourself in third person?" I asked speaking for the first time in five minutes. I was caught up in my thoughts.

"Erh... BLAME THE EVIL IPOD!" Edward yelled from the corner.

"Moving on. Let's go outside the front. You're not allowed to use vampire speed and power cause that's unfair on me," Bella

"Oh oh and we can see Sir. Tapsalot again!" Jasper cheered up.

"Mine," Bella growled back at him. That's my daughter. She growled. Getting ready to be a vampire.

"Let's just freaking play. Edward's in. Now to the front lawn where we will start in five minutes," Carlisle spoke when entering the room with a new freshly made cup of coffee.

Everyone settled oustide and then we began on the word...

"GO!" Edward yelled.

----

**BPOV**

And we're off. Carlisle rounded the bend of the house with Edward close behind, both at human pace. Oh wait. Carlisle has taken the lead and run the race by a few metres as Edward has given up.

Wow I sound like a race horse commentator.

"I'm going to tag you!" Edward yelled out to Alice.

"No you won't!" Alice replied back smuggly. Stupid darn powers and their abilities in helping that individual that possesses the power.

"Oh yeah and how do you know?"

"I see the future," Alice stated.

"Oops forgot," Edward shrugged and went off to chase Carlisle who was being slow as to not spill his coffee travellor mug in his hand.

Edward wasn't going after me because of a few stupid reasons. I'm fragile, I fall easy, I tend to get really excited when I'm included and then falling over percentage is increased majorly and I'm his fiance. Just to name a few. I don't mind. I love watching them act like kids and I'm sitting on the grass eating out of my jar of skittles. I got a jar!

Edward had Jasper left to tag. Though technically he hadn't tagged Emmett yet. That's because Emmett seems to have disappeared or something. Oh wait.. he's over there.

"Erh guys. Anyone wanna help me? I'm stuck in the mud," Emmett said.

"Only Jazzimatron is left. But he can't save you without getting tipped after going under your legs," Alice said.

"I'm literally stuck in the mud," Emmett said. Wow coincidence? I think not.

"Wow that's highly relevant to the game," Rose stated. Like we didn't know.

"What are the odds of being stuck in actual mud while playing the childrens game of 'Stuck in the Mud?" Esme pondered.

"About one million point five nine to three," Carlisle blurted out from the corner. Hmmm?

"I guess Jasper can win this game. We better help Emmett before he tries to help himself then gets the aid from the evil monkey that lives in his closet. We all know not to let those two try and solve things," Rose said. (A/N: Family guy reference. Been watching FG non stop for past 4 days.)

"Let's play another game! I love being a child!" Emmett exclaimed while shaking himself to rid himself of the mud.

"Emmett you're not a dog... don't shake yourself dry," Rose shouted.

"Okay I have another idea," I said.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"Everyone begin by sitting in a circle," I said. Now surely we could do that? Wait nope. It's the Cullen Family and I have sugar hypes.

"Emmett get out of the middle. That's where the person that got caught goes!" Alice yelled.

"But.. but I'm special?" Emmett questioned.

"Not in the sort of way that allows you to sit there."

"Let's start. So one person goes around the back of everyone and taps them on the head while saying 'duck.' But when someone gets tapped and the person tapping says 'goose' they have to get up and chase the tapper." I explained to all.

"What kind of a wild goosechase is this?" Carlisle asked and Emmett burst into laughter

"Haha Big C said goose. And the chaser is a goose. Anyone else get it?" Emmett laughed.

We all groaned.

----

**EmPOV**

I love kids games. I could play them all day.., and night... because I don't sleep!

"Yes Emmett we all get it. Carlisle said the word 'goose' which is incidently the same name as the chaser," Esme said softly. Yay everyone is getting my jokes.

Maybe I'm getting my funny back.

I moved in between Rose and Jasper in the circle. "Wait I wanna be the chaser person who gets to pick the goose," I yelled.

"Fine Emmett. Just don't forget to play by the rules," Bella ordered. Me, Emmett Cullen, not playing by the rules? When have I ever not played by the rules?

I heard Edward scoff. Maybe he ate that skittle, that Bella forced him, to eat to fast?

"Let's start. Emmett stand up behind someone to begin. Now you get to choose the goose by saying goose over someone's head. But if you don't wanna choose them to be the goose then you have to say 'duck' while tapping on their heads," Rose stated softly to me.

"I don't understand fully," I replied confused.

"Okay in words that Emmett Cullen could understand. You want someone to be a goose? Hit them on the head and say 'goose'. You don't want them to be the duck. Hit them still but say 'duck'," Carlisle summed up. Oh I get it now... Carlisle is good with my language. I like him.

Edward scoffed again like he was saying that I'm gay? Maybe it was just that tree he took a bite out of?

"Ah I get ya now Big C," I said.

"Let's just begin," Bella let's play this hitting game. I started behind Rosalie and then raised my hand.

"Duck" to Rose.

"Duck" to Jasper.

"Duck" to Alice.

"Duck" to Bella.

I went around the circle like ten times. Woop woop.

"Emmett just bloody pick someone to be the goose before I come up and eat you!" Rose screamed.

Well well.... someone is getting a little ticked off. I'm talking about Esme not Rose.

"GOOSE!!!" I yelled while hitting Edward over the head really hard.

"OW WTF? EMME'TT?!" Edward ... it's Edward thats ticked off now.

"Language Edward," Esme scolded Edward.

"He just hit me on the head REALLY hard!" Edward complained.

"It would have only hurt if you were gay," I explained to him. Stupid whiner.

"It was really hard. There's a freaking dint in my head!" Edward turned to the right so he could show the family the dint in his head.

"O.o that looks bad man. You better get that checked out," I said. Wow whatever did that to his head must be severely punished.

"You think! We're vampires Emmett. We can't get it checked out without saying why I haven't died due to this massive DINT in my head," Edward raised his voice.

"Well then I'll check it out," Carlisle said in his doctor tone now.

"Alright," Edward said.

"Come and meet me in my office," Big C said. I laughed cause it sounded wrong.

"Emmett shut up!" everyone yelled.

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**A/N: My dad just educated me on how to put the orange juice carton back in the fridge the right way. Apparently I didn't put it in the 'correct' way. Twas funny!**

**Sorry about being over a week just. I was REALLY busy. **

**ANYONE WANNA SEE A PICTURE FROM MY FORMAL THAT I LOVE? GO TO MY PROFILE AND ITS MY AVATAR!**

**OH SOME PEOPLE HAVE MENTIONED THAT I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION HOW EDWARD FAIRED WITH HIS IPOD. I SERIOUSLY FORGOT THAT EDWARD WAS THERE TOO. SORRY TO ALL IF I DEPRIVED YOU OF SOME FUNNY EDWARD VERSE IPOD TIMES. DO YOU WANT ME TO EDIT THE CHAPTER SO HE'S INCLUDED?**

**----------------------------------------**

**Preview for Chapter 30:** "So you reckon that if I plug the christmas lights in here they will light up in a circle?"

**Review for Chapter title and EXTENDED preview for next chapter.**

**Chapter 30 out Christmas Day**

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	30. Cullen Christmas

**Chapter Thirty: Cullen Christmas**

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not on the list of things that I own.**

**A/N: This is the Big 3-0 Chapter. Are you proud of me?**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Yep you guessed it. I've had sugar. I hope everyone has a good christmas. Tell me what kind of stuff you got in a review or PM. I'm a little bored so I would love to hear it. I had quite a lot of fun. Wow I've been on holidays now for 2 weeks. Oh the Carnival I went to was awesome!!! **

**Chapter 31 will be out on New Years Eve. **

**See you then!**

**Thank you to those who reviewed the previous chapter. I love receiving reviews. (In Order): **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_TeaCullen_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_twilightgal101_**, **_penguin-lover1901_**, **_Hawktalon (dot) of (dot) Windclan_**, **_WittyRaven_**, **_Briittx xhc_**, **_Lady Saruman_**, **_xx-i-luv-edward-4-eva-xx_** and **_kdscutie_**.**

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**EPOV**

_Tis the season to be jolly. Fa lalalalalalala_, Alice sung in her head. Oh no she didn't. She knows that she's annoying me and I'll snap and climb the christmas tree, when it's up, like Christmas of 1984.

Dang it.

"We have to go and cut down the Christmas Tree, NOW!" Alice demanded.

"Say wha?" Bella asked coming into the LoungeRoom walking in a wonky line.

"Bella are you drunk?" I asked. Bella better not be drunk.

Bella held up some can of energy drink. "N-No. I love this energy drink! But the energy bit hasn't kicked in."

I took the can from Bella. "This has fifty two grams of sugar in it Bella. What the hell?"

"I don't know. OH SUGAR!" Bella screamed and started running around the room looking for the door.** (A/N: So drinking it now. It does have 52 grams. I checked. Also a pic of it is my avatar on my profile. I'll leave it up for 24 hours.)**

"I guess the energy bit kicked in," Rose stated in a bored tone.

"Where's the door? Guys I can't find the door!" Bella cried.

"Erh... how many stages are there in sugar hypeness?" Jasper wondered.

"Well there's sluggish, hyper, anxiety, graviety defiancy, skittle defiency, yoga state, more sugar hype and then withdrawal in the corner," Esme said. We all looked at her.

"...Erh... Let's put the tinsel on the tree!" Esme jumped up off of the chair and wrapped her mouth in tinsel. _I will not tell!_ She thought. _Oh blast. Edward can hear me. Nope nope I did not eat a ton, literally, of sugar two years ago when everyone else was out hunting. Nope that was not me. I do not lie! _Wow Esme's deepest darkest secret revealed in her thoughts. Excellent.

"Wait I thought we had to go and cut down a tree?" I asked.

"Well I remembered that we got a tree yesterday and put it in the Garage," Alice explained.

"Oh that explains it. Wait... vampires remember everything!"

Alice shifted in her seat. "Oh... I was preoccupied with what I'm doing on Christmas Night with Jasper."

"Oh dear god!" Emmett screamed.

"I know right! I don't want to know what they're doing in their bedroom!" Rose said.

"No my couch army is in the garage. The Christmas tree better not have eaten my army."

"Shut up Rosalie. We all hear what you and Emmett get up to in your room," Alice stated.

"It's not what you think," Rose said not looking at anyone. **(A/N: Haha I have the best idea about what they do. Do you want me to include it into the next chapter?)**

"Let's get back to doing Christmas stuff," Esme said wrapping tinsel around the big tree. Where the hell do we find these big trees? The Alps? Wait... damn it.

"So what type of food do we need to cook? I know Charlie is coming over at five pm," Carlisle said walking into the room with a really big cup of coffee.

"Bella what does your father like to eat best for Christmas Dinner?" Esme asked Bella.

No Answer

We turned to see Bella was crawling on the side of the wall. Gravity Defiancy stage I'm guessing. That's why I love Bella.

"He likes fish! Fish! Fish! Oh but get him chicken. He doesn't like fish," Bella said and then evil laughed. Jasper hanging around her is starting to show. It's getting easier for him to be around her now. Maybe I should have some input into that.

----

**RPOV**

Wow christmas is going to be fun this year I reckon. Despite Emmett's antics... again.

"Shouldn't we have thought to put the christmas tree up like at the start of December instead of christmas eve?" I asked.

"You would think wouldn't you?" Alice said.

"Erh it's actually five am on Christmas morning," Jasper butted in.

"Oh well you would still wonder," Alie said.

"Yeah. But watching Emmett figure out how to put tinsel on the tree is humourous." I said.

That was true. Emmett got more on himself then on the tree. Then he wore tight black leather pants for some reason. Though I'm not complaining.

"So you reckon that if I plug the christmas lights in here they will light up in a circle?" Emmett said.

The family turned their heads to see Emmett attempting to plug the lights into the computer.

WTF?

"Emmett why the hell would you put christmas lights into the computer?" Carlisle asked then took a big gulp of his coffee. He has a stupid christmas mug to match the occasion.

"Well there's a hole here on the side of the computer that says 'plug us here'. So naturally I added two and two together," Emmett said proudly.

"Erh no Emmett. It actually says 'plug USB here," Alice said taking a closer look at the slot. "You didn't notice the B."

"Are you saying I can't read?" Emmett was mortified.

"In a way... yes," said Esme.

"Oh but I can. You just watch me," Emmett said with shifty eyes darting to each side. Well dang he's going to be all mysterious tonight. This may have some benefits.

"Oh shut up Rose! I want a clean, innocent brain!" Edward screamed.

"Hey I got nothing to hide. It's you and your virtuous mind," I replied back smugly. Take that.

"GIVE ME FREAKING SKITTLES!" Bella shouted taking giant steps toward Edward. Wow she looks a tad intimidating.

"I'm so proud," Esme gushed.

"Erh.... there's red and green skittles in the kitchen. Christmas colour," Edward stuttered.

"Thank you," Bella kissed Edward's cheek and skipped off to find the skittles.

"I think we should start cooking the Christmas Dinner or something now to be ready for when Charlie eleven hours. Who knows how long it will take for us to cook an edible meal," Esme said.

"Approximately eight hours, fifty three minutes and sixteen seconds," Alice said.

"Stop telling me the future! Why can't it be a surprise?!" Esme cried.

"We're not normal. Neither is this coffee. It's hazelnut flavor. I can't even taste it! It needs more hazelnut!" Carlisle said.'

"Erh that's cause it only tastes like dirt to us Carlisle," Edward said.

"I personally think it needs more nuts," Emmett piped in.

"Emmett no. Bad mind. Do we have to wash your brain with soap again?" I said.

Emmett backed away in the corner.

"N-No I'll be good I swear!"

----

**CPOV**

I had just made my tenth cup of coffee today. Each time it was a different flavour. I'm so creative.

Esme, Bella and Jasper have gone into the kitchen to prepare tonights dinner. We actually have to eat this time because Charlie is coming over.

Grr.

I just want to drink coffee. Oh at least we can all bond in the bathroom in the early hours of the morning if you catch my drift.

That left Edward, Rose, Alice and Emmett to finish decorating the tree, put the star on and decorate the Lounge Room so that it looks Christmassy. Oh wait...

"Edward and Alice do you think you could go outside and put some reindeer on the driveway and front lawn and hang some icicle lights from the porch?" I asked... with authority. YEAH!

"Sure thing. At least you chose us," Edward said looking at Emmett.

"Why are you looking at me? Man I don't swing that way," Emmett laughed.

"No I can hear what you're thinking," Edward said while being dragged out of the room by Alice doing that 'V' thing with his fingers from his eyes to Emmett's eyes.

"Christmas Dinner in ten hours and counting," I muttered to myself. I wonder if we can pull it off. If we do then I won't drink coffee for six hours!

I turned to my right to see Rose tackling Emmett to stop eating the candy canes and then I turned to my left to see Edward knawing on a tree as Alice, her small pixie like body, tangled in Icicle lights.

I clapped my hands like a primary school teacher to attract the kid's attentions.

"Hey back to work. I don't pay you to eat trees," I called out to Edward.

"You don't pay us at all. We're your children," Edward said.

"Fine back to work or I'll eat Viola." That should scare him into working.

"You. Wouldn't. Dare."

"Try me," I replied back. That did it. Edward untangled Alice.

"But I wanna put the star on top of the Christmas Tree!" Emmett whined as Rosalie pulled out the glistening diamond star from it's special box. Don't ask me. Alice chose the star. It's real diamonds.

"Emmett you pu the star on last year. But after you did, the whole tree came toppling down on top of me and Alice as we were looking at some fashion magazine," Rose answered Emmett.

They make a great match in my opinion. I am a matchmaker.

"Please?" Emmett pouted. He has a litle girl pout in my opinion.

Rose gave in. "Okay Emmett you can put the star on the tree just this once. But try to keep the tree standing this time."

"When do I ever screw up anything?" Emmett asked innocently.

Dead Silence

Then everyone laughed similtaneously.

"What was funny?" Emmett asked,

"Oh nothing just some vampire who asked a stupid question," I stated the obvious.

Emmett thought for a moment. "There are other vampires in the area?"

"No," Alice said.

Emmett reached his own conclusion to this. "Oh they must have left to find Christmas Dinner. Tee hee."

Oh wow I have a gullible son. But I love him nonetheless... in a non gay way. Well at least everything is sorted with the decorations outside, chicken, and fish, in the oven and the tree decorated besides the star which lay in Rosalie's hand.

I'm just going to turn my back as Emmett puts the star on the tree.

A second later I heard a thud. "Was that the tree or Emmett?" I asked.

"Erh well Emmett on top of the tree," Edward replied back. I still didn't want to turn around. Might as well go and get another cup of coffee. I've become addicted but no one can stop me now!

----

**APOV**

Charlie was going to arrive in just over an hour. The christmas pudding didn't work out and Emmett was mean to the Christmas Tree. Well I think we may be screwed this christmas. Man we haven't had a safe, Emmett-incident free Christmas since 1967.

"This is turning out to be a blast," Esme said coming out of the kitchen covered in flour, milk and eggs. At least... I think that's eggs. But who should I know? I'm a vampire.

"OMG Guys. Be right back. I have to say Merry Christmas to Kevin and Sir. Tapsalot," Bella jumped out of the kitchen. The less sugar hype stage now.

"Should someone go with her to make sure she doesn't trip over or climb a tree?" Edward asked.

"Why don't you go?" Emmett said to Edward.

"I don't know,"

"She's your fiance," Emmett said calmly. Wow.. surprise that Emmett could be calm.

'HAHAHA you just admitted that I'm not gay because I have a fiance!" Edward yelled in victory.

"Well meh. Today you can be not gay."

"How can I be gay one day and then not gay the next?" Edward asked.

"Well it is the twenty first century. Ipods are around."

"Don't mention the word 'Ipod' in this house!" Edward growled. Haha just because he lost to the Ipod as it wouldn't even turn on for him because it was on hold.

"Far out I'm bored. Let's go back to doing Christmas stuff. How about we exchange presents now?" I suggested.

"Yeah I'll just go and get Bella," Carlisle said. "Everyone gather in the room in a circle and wait.

We waited. Fifteen minutes! Finally Carlisle came back with a very quiet Bella.

Edward rushed over to her. "Bella what's wrong?" he asked.

"Si-Sir Tapsalot and I got into an argument about the use of grey water and then the grass didn't wish me a Merry Christmas because the gravel did first. Stupid socioeconomic status among different varieties of ground!" Bella cried.

"Withdrawal," Jasper, Rose and Esme said together.

"Well then. Let's open presents! Carlisle can go first!" Jasper screamed like a girl. Someone's excited for christmas.

"Oh oh I cannot wait!" Carlisle said as he grabbed his big present, shook it then tore the wrapping paper off in one swift movement. He took one look at the box and ran into his study to go into the secret room that he thinks only he knows about.

"Erh what was in that?" Bella asked.

"Oh I just gave him a scrapbook documenting his time with Coffee. From different photos of him holding coffee, to him sleeping with the machine next to us in bed some nights and even him reading to his coffee," Esme said. Bella awwed.

Everyone took turns at opening their presents. Esme had gotten sixty five new garden gnomes to name. She left imediately to go and make special name tags for them. Rosalie had received a magic mirror saying she was indeed the fairest of them all. Don't even ask how the hell we got a magic mirror. Just say... we had to pull in some favours.

Emmett got a totally cool new magicians kit. Yeah don't worry he's advancing in presents. Last year it was one of those cool interactive books. Edward got a few CDs. I didn't even buy them for him. Jasper got 'How to be Evil for Dummies'. Man he ran like the wind to the corner to evil laugh and begin reading.

Oh oh guess what they got me!!!!

"OMG you guys got me a freaking crystal ball! Oh yea!!! Exactly what I wanted!" I screamed and hugged everyone.

"It suits your gift! Ironic!" Edward laughed.

"Omg get it. A crystal ball sees the future and so does Alice. The machine can do her work too! Did you give it permission Alice?" Emmett asked.

"No," I said.

"Now for Bella's gift," Emmett said giving Bella her gift after she refused a few times.

Bella opened it slowly.

"OMG I LOVE YOU GUYS!!" She shrieked and ran to another corner of the room.

"What was in the gift?" Jasper asked with an evil voice.

"LOTS AND LOTS OF CANDY!" I said.

"Oh My God. Why the hell would you give Bella freaking candy!?!?!" Edward yelled.

"Well... Bella likes candy. So again I put two and two together," Emmett said.

They argued like that for a few minutes until we heard a car turn onto our driveway.

"Charlie's here!" Esme shouted. Dang it!

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**A/N: Well there you have the Christmas Chapter. I actually wrote this yesterday as I was out today with family spending Christmas with them. **

**So... I'm trying to keep this short. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy Hanukkah or whatever you may celebrate, everyone. Again I'm watching Family Guy... I have a problem.**

**Oh just another thing. I was at my local town shopping in KMART and lets just say.... I HATE TOURISTS! Well not all but they always populate up the car park, take up the lines in shops and yeah.**

**Oh yeah. I have a schedule about when I post chapters until the 22nd of February with the idea of that Chapter. Just thought I'd let you know. Chapter ideas go up to Chapter 38 or 39 for now till I think of more to add.**

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**Preview: **"O.o I know what my New Years Resolution is going to be!"

**Review for EXTENDED preview and Chapter Title.**

**Chapter 31 out New Years Eve**

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	31. Bring on the New Year

**Chapter Thirty One: Bring on the New Year**

**Disclaimer: I will growl at whoever thinks I actually own Twilight.**

**A/N: So Happy New Year everyone. How do you want the new year to be like?**

**Okay I've had this chapter written for two days now and so I am posting it just over a day earlier for you guys. Hope you are happy.**

**I'm rereading **_Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_** again and today I got the **_Twilight Movie Companion book._

**OH YEAH!!!!!**

**By popular demand you shall see what Rose and Emmett do in their bedroom. **

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed Chapter 30. (In Order): **_Lady Saruman_**, **_Klutzygirl34_**, **_TeaCullen_**, **_..Cullens_**, **_penguin-luver1901_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_Music of the heart_**, **_Hawktalon (dot) of (dot) Windclan_**, **_voodoochil3_**, **_WittyRaven_**, **_xXWhen (dot) Teletubiies (dot) Go (dot) MadXx_**, **_briiittx xhc_** and **_Fang_**(anon aka Amanda)**

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**APOV**

Tic Tac Toe. Noughts and crosses. Aren't they the exact same game but with different names?

I should google it but I'm too lazy to go an7d get out my laptop and turn it on. Even with vampire speed!

"Alice you're lazy!" Emmett cried out from his bedroom. Oh he is in there with Rosalie at the moment.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking Alice?" Edward said to me.

"Erh brainiac. Can't you already hear what I'm thinking?"

"Oh right. Well just to be cool. Are you thinking what I'm thinking B1?" Edward asked again.

"I think I am B2. It's eavesdropping on Rosalie and Emmett time," I said back.

Bella came around the corner eating a... banana? "Did you two just imitate the Bananas in Pyjames?" ** (A/N: Okay if you don't know what the bananas in pyjames are then just replace the B1 and B2 with Thing One and Thing Two.)**

"Yes. Don't look at us. You're the one EATING a banana," I replied.

"Pfft well I'm made to by Edward. He won't let me have sugar before midday and after 7pm."

"Edward how could you? You're sucking the life and soul out of Bella?" I asked.

"OH GOD NO!! I can't suck out her soul! Here Bella here!" Edward whimpered and pulled out several fun sized packets of gumballs.

"Why the hell do you keep gumballs in your pockets?" Carlisle asked coming by us on the way to the kitchen for yet again cup of coffee.

"Bella can be very persuasive when I have candy to give," Edward replied back honestly.

"That is true," Bella piped in.

"Guys shut up. Let's go find out what Rose and Emmett are doing in their bedroom right about now," I whispered just as loud as necessary.

Esme came running gracefully up the stairs along with Jasper trailing behind her clutching his christmas present.

Bloody hell he even sleeps with that book. We need to do something about this. Our family... for a better word is... screwed... up. Carlisle, Edward and Jasper need counselling. Oh it seems to be only the guys. MWAHAHAH.. oh and Bella with her sugar hyponess but meh. She's human.

"Jasper and I wanna bust them too," Esme whispered.

"Isn't this fair weird that the whole family WANTS to catch Rose and Emmett to see what they actually do in their bedroom?" Bella asked.

We all looked at each other. "Nope!"

"Right said fred," Bella replied.

"Fred said that?!" Jasper looked surprised.

"No its a saying my grandfather would say whenever he was ready for dinner, or to go out et cetera."

All of us inched slowly towards the closed door of Rosalie's and Emmett's room. We could hear them now.

"Faster, faster, faster Emmett. FASTER!" Rose cried.

Wow that doesn't sound innocent at all. We all looked at each other in recognition.

"This is sounding weird," Edward said.

"You and your innocent brain," I replied back. Edward scoffed.

We were at the door now.

"FASTER FASTER FASTER. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ALL DAY!" Rose screamed.

"I'm trying," we heard Emmett reply back.

I held up my fingers signalling the countdown to barge in their door.

1,2,3. Jasper opened the door, breaking the lock. Emmett and Rosalie hadn't even heard us. They were too engaged in... SNAP?

"Faster god damn it Emmett. Faster FASTER!" Rose yelled.

Oh dang were't we wrong.

----

**EsPOV**

My darling daughter and son were engrossed in a game of snap on their large King Sized bed.

"Look Rose. I can never seem to only put down one card down on the snap pile," Emmett reasoned with his wife.

"Yeah but I haven't got all day to finish this game of cards. It is New Years Eve and Esme wants us downstairs in a minute," Rose said.

Emmett then continued.

"FASTER FASTER FASTER!" Rose cheered Emmett on.

She then put her hand down on the pile of cards.

"SNAP!" she screamed. Emmett threw his remaining three cards across the room.

"Dang!"

Wow that was an experience. Guess they seriously don't always have sex in their bedroom. I knew buying sixty packets of cards would come in handy and that my children would use them.

Alice saw this abrupt ending to their game to notify them of our appearance.

She coughed.

Rose and Emmett turned to us. Both of their eyes went wide.

"How much did you see?" Rose asked.

"Enough to know what you were doing in here," Edward replied back smugly.

"We don't always play snap. We do other things too."

"Yeah Roleplaying with costumes, UNO, Lego, Sex and more se-" Rose slapped her hand over Emmett's mouth.

"So what are we going to do now?" Rose asked.

"Erh let's go downstairs now to be a family and celebrate bringing the New Year in together," Carlisle said.

"You just said that so we could go downstairs where the coffee machine is located," Bella observed.

"Dang you caught me," Carlisle laughed playing it off like he actually wasn't going to go down and make another coffee. Though after he said that, he turned shifty, looked around then scampered down the stairs.

The rest of the family then made their way downstairs. My mind started to wander.

Another New Year we're going to see throught. So many New Years that I am losing count. The Family was in the Living Room when I came in. All the Christmas decorations had been taken down yesterday. It took the whole day. At least that occupied them... especially Emmett. Well more like Emmett had a little fun wih ripping tinsel off the tree then eating it.

"Let's discuss 2009!" Carlisle jumped up and down.

"Carlisle chill father," Edward said.

"I can't. I love the number '2009'."

I walked into the Lounge Room. "I really think coffee is getting to him," I said as I sat down next to my darling coffee addicted husband.

"O.o I know what my New Years Resolution is going to be!" Jasper said jerking his head up from 'How to be Evil for Dummies'.

"What? Be less evil?" Bella asked. Today she was non sugared up at the moment. Vast improvement. It's like being drunk. You do need sober days.. I think. But what do I know. I can't remember being drunk.

"No my resolution is to keep my room tidy and be more evil. Mwahahaha," Jasper said.

Well nice resolution. I hope he has fun with that in the new year.

"Who would like to share their goal for next year next?" I asked.

Emmett laughed. "Haha man you said the word 'next' twice in three words!" He slapped his hand down on the coffee table... and broke it.

"I didn't do it!" he said quickly.

"Oh and who did?" Edward asked.

----

**CPOV**

Haha you know what was funny? Emmett just broke a coffee table and tried to deny it. Oh that's priceless.

"You did it Edward," Emmett said pointing his finger at Edward but then smashed his other hand through the coffee table. Try denying that one son.

"Erh... blame the moon. It was staring at me." Lame excuse.

"OMG the moon is going to get me. Note to self. Send a rocket full of oil to the moon. Then throw a match at it!" Jasper shouted then lowered his voice to a mutter.

"Can we please move back to the New Years Resolutions? It's only thirty five minutes until the next year. I would like to move into it with a sguar high," Bella said and then ate a whole packet of fizzy sherbet.

_Way to go Bella._ I cheered on the inside. Edward looked at me with his head tilted like a confused dog.

"Fine. Guess what my new years resolution will be," Alice perked up.

"Um... replace your closet?" Emmett asked.

"Nope do that every month. No my goal will be to try and cut down fifty thousand dollars a month. Now thats a lot!"

"Oh mine's better," Rose said.

"What is yours?" Esme asked.

"Well I plan to wear sunscreen everyday!" Rose said proudly. The room was quiet.

"Rose vampires cannot get sunburnt or skin cancer," Carlisle said in his doctor voice.

"I still worry about my complexion. Better to be safe then sorry," she fought back.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night.. or not sleep. How about Edward's goal now?" Alice. said.

Everyone looked at Edward who looked away.

"What is your resolution Eddie? To do the deed?" Emmett laughed at what he said.

"No. It is to plant lots of trees to make up for me gnawing on them."

"Oh nice. You're lucky they don't dance in the wind like in _Narnia_," Jasper said in a dazed tone. Is he picturing dancing trees? Wow that's weird**. (A/N: So watching Narnia: Prince Caspian right now and I'm half way through it. It's 10:58pm.)**

"Well then. That leaves mine, Carlisle's, Bella's and Emmett's resolutions to go.

We have twenty minutes then we get to count down the seconds!" Esme screamed for joy at realisation of ANOTHER new year.

"Well me next me next!" I jumped.

"Coffee related?" everyone asked at the same time.

"....Maybe. Fine my resolution is to find a new thing to obsess over."

**(A/N: Sorry. Need opinions. Should Big C keep to coffee or a new obsession. If its the latter choice you want then any suggestions?)**

"Good luck with that old man," Emmett slapped me on the back. Hang on a tick.

"I am not old!"

"You're three hundred something years old," Edward stated.

"Well mentally yes but physically. I could so win a fight againts a bull and I only look like I am in my early thirties." How could he think such a thing? Oh right I am old.. but... but. Oh I got nothing.

"Esme?" Jasper asked.

"Um. I will not to get murderous whenever my furniture gets destroyed," she said after much thought. Oh nice one wifey. I love her dearly.

"Good one mother," Edward said kissing Esme on the cheek.

"Suck up," Emmett muttered.

----

**EPOV**

"Emmett lets hear yours,"I said.

"Fine mine is simple, effective and hygenic! Beat that. I will put on a clean pair of underwear and socks each morning," he sat back down again and crossed his arms.

He didn't do that before?_ I'm moritified _Jasper thought to himself.

"Ohkayyyyyyyyy. Let's get Emmett's resolution out of our heads by hearing the lucky last one. Bella?" Esme saved the day. The day ends in fifteen minutes.

"Well I'll cut down on one skittle each day till I'm down to only fifty a day. Big accomplishment if you ask me," she said.

The funny thing is. No one disagreed. It is a big accomplishment.

"Let's all get out the streamers and that to throw to bring in the new year," Esme said.

"How about we celebrate the new year by blaring out music? It's not going to bother anyone because we're isolated by the trees," Alice suggested.

"Not for long if Eddie over here keeps eating them," Emmett said pointing at me.

"I said that I would replant the trees!" me whined back.

"Whatever. Let's blare out 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon!" Alice shouted excitedly.

I am gathering she likes that song. Wait let me check my sources.

_I love this song! Yo Ho, this sex is on fire!_ Alice sang in her head.

"Okay we'll play that song. Any other weird ways we can bring in the New Year?" Carlisle asked.

"OMG I'm so going to bring in the New Year by doing a handstand while eating skittles!" Bella shouted then ran away to her secret stash of sugar that she won't tell anyone where it is.

"Righto. This family ain't normal. How about we all sit down and when the countdown comes we'll countdown and then jump up and shout 'HAPPY NEW YEAR!' then go about our daily routine," Esme said. You know what bit I like best? The daily routine bit. I get to watch Bella sleep soon. SCORE!

Everyone sat down and started small talk with their significant other besides me. Bella was still with her candy stash. Time to tune into other people's thoughts.

_I am so going to beat Rose at SNAP this morning,_ Emmett thought. Figures. I turned to Carlisle's mind.

_OMG what flavour of coffee am I going to have in my first cup for the new year?_

He's thinking about that?

Oh well. Moving on. Bella just came back... with a....? Packet of skittles ,four big marshmallows, sherbet, eight lollipops and sixteen gumballs. Whatever am I going to do?

"Oh guys. Hush now. Twenty seconds until the new year," Rose silenced the room. Everyone was waiting for the countdown to begin. It was sad really. This was like my one hundred and eighth... or ninth new year. I've lost track.

The countdown began. "Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two.... ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" we all shouted just over this loud 'crack'.

"What was that?" Jasper asked.

"Ah guys.... little help?" Emmett's muffled voice was heard. We looked up to see him stuck in the ceiling. How the hell did he do that?

"What the douce Emmett?" Jasper asked.

"Well at the HAPPY NEW YEAR bit I jumped too high and went through the ceiling."

There was awkward silence. Then it was filled with laughter. Only Emmett would do that. Wait.. I looked to see how Esme was fairing up.

Esme was standing over in the shadows of the room twitching slightly as to calm herself down to keep her resolution.

"....," she breathed to herself then scurried off.

"SEX ON FIRE!" Alice yelled while dancing over to the stereo and turned on that song. She then began to dance dragging Jasper with her.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" I heard my fiance evil laugh in the corner stuffing her face. Maybe I'll join her.

This New Year will be interesting.

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**A/N: So how was this chapter? Who's New Years Resolution did you like the best?**

**So next chapter will be out on the 5th of January. It is another list and will be a list of one hundred useless things Alice Cullen has bought. Reviews will make me think them up faster. If you have any to help me then don't hesitate to tell me. It's quite hard thinking up a list of 100 things. **

**I've also started a Skittle Club on Fanfiction. If you want in then tell me that you do and what is your favourite colour skittle. Oh you do have to love skittles. I'm just going to put a list of members on my profile which will be hyperlinked to your profile so no biggie if you don't want to be in. I'm just bored.**

**-----------------------------------------**

**Preview:** Number 34: Eighty nine sausages. Alice then cooked them, and then buried them in the ground just to watch Emmett dig them back up again.

**Review for Chapter Title and 4 other useless items Alice has bought.**

**OUT 5TH JANUARY!**

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	32. This is Useless

**Chapter Thirty Two: This is Useless**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is not my name.**

**A/N: SO SORRY THAT THIS IS OUT MAJORLY LATE... I'VE HAD FAMILY PROBLEMS THIS PAST WEEK AND MASSIVE WRITER'S BLOCK.**

**Well this is a list of 75 useless things Alice Cullen has bought in one of her shopping frenzies.**

**Sorry if this chapter is not that funny.**

**I know I said a hundred but I feel really guilty about making you wait an extra 6 days so it would either be 75 today or you would have had to wait another day. **

**THIS CHAPTER WAS THE HARDEST YET!**

**Thanks to those who reviewed the previous chapter. (In order):** _Lady Saruman_**,** _Music of the heart_**,** _AliceC1_**,** _awsometastic twilight jasper_**,** _ShadowCatcher_**,** _twilightgal101_**,** _Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_La tua Cantante_**,** _I(dot)run(dot)with(dot)the(dot)Cullens_**,** _klutzygirl34_**,** _penguin-luver1901_, _bbbff1996_**,** _TeaCullen_**,** _wiccan corpse_**,** _inluvwthecullens_**,** _angelluvu4eva_**,** _Fitzy-Loves-Footy_, _twilightxharrypotter_**, and **_Hawktalon(dot) of(dot) Windclan_.

**OMG GUYS!!! 19 REVIEWS FOR THE LAST CHAPTER. THAT MAKES ME REALLY HAPPY!! THANKS A LOT. YOU'VE MADE MY WEEK BAREABLE.**

1. Two ice trays, made ice and then sat at the table and watched them melt.

2. A television without the screen

3. A pair of shoes made out of solid chocolate

4. Nytol Sleep Aid. This was before Bella came.

5. Started a collection of stuffed animals from around the world

6. A dozen wedding dresses even though no one in the family was getting married or remarried anytime in the near future. Before Bella.

7. Harry Potter. He just disapparated out of Alice's grasp therefore useless to her.** (A/N: Look I have an obsession with Harry Potter lately. Read the bottom A/N.)**

8. Sex. How can you even buy it?

9. Sixteen hot water bottles

10. 2 Palm Trees then tied them together with her 'Alice' Strength

11. KFC. Before Bella.

12. Truckload of gumballs **(A/N: Anyone seen BedTime Stories?)**

13. Spare toilet.

14. Baby Pram. Maybe it could be used IF Emmett finally succeeds in kidnapping children.

15. A 'Beware of Dog' sign. Should have been a 'Beware of Vampre' sign.

16. Twenty Thousand socks with matching hairties.

17. 'How to be Vampires for Dummies'. **(A/N: Sister thought this up)**

18. Barney Bandaids and decorated Edward in them.

19. A remote control to a DVD player but no DVD player.

20. '21st' birthday cocktail glass for Rosalie. They can't physically age!

21. Two cans of chick peas.

22. A fountain for the entrance hall.

23. Leaves spray painted gold.

24. A Weasel.

25. A mailbox that doesn't have a lid in order to get the mail out.

26. Helmets plastered with 'Emmett rox' stickers. Well it wasn't useless for Emmett.

27. The Moon.

28. Stale bread going at half price used to feed pigeons at the park. She fed it to Edward.

29. An ant farm but with worms.

30. Paper Towels.

31. One hundred thousand coat hangers that weren't pink. Shocker!

32. Reading glasses for Esme.

33. Coffee. Yes Carlisle it's useless.

34. White pencil on white paper.

35. ... with a matching pen that wrote white ink on white pieces of paper.

36. .... connecting white pencil and white pen as a duo. ON SALE!

37. Just anything white in general that seems useless.

38. A collection of empty soft drink/soda/pop cans for a thousand dollars!

39. Dog Kennell.. they have no dog! Except for that sign.

40. Blunt scissors. You cant's cut with blunt scissors.

41. Egg carton with a single rotten egg in it.

42. Broken plastic bag. Alice really bought a plastic bag?!

43. Eighty nine sausages. Alice then cooked them, and buried them in the garden just to watch Emmett dig them up. Let me tell you, Esme was not a happy vampire.

44. Purple cord. Carlisle burnt it.

45. Oh a white highlighter... custom made too.

46. Christmas songs on a CD. Though the songs had the word 'christmas' blanked out of EVERY song. WTF?

47. Invisible screwdriver.

48. .... that came with invisible screws.

49. Sunscreen. Before Bella was even born!

50. Some human's home videos.

51. Pink mouthwash. She just sat at the table and stared at the pink liquid.

52. Broken fridge.

53. A broken bridge.

54. Hannah Montana. What.. she is useless!

55. A scrap of fabric with 'Aelicie' sewn into it. Alice spelt her name wrong.

56. A book called 'BattleAxe' with the last page missing. (**A/N: Anyone read that book? Please tell me if you have. I love the Axis Trilogy. READ IT!)**

57. McDonald's Tray

58. Dried up paint. Alice still used it to paint the attic. Turned out alright.. according to Emmett but that means it wasn't.

59. Christmas Tree without the tree. Just the word 'christmas'. It replaces the CD of non Christmas saying songs. **(A/N: Did that make sense?)**

60. Never-ending string.

61. Wholly socks.

62. Candy wrapper in the shape of a duck.

63. Body glitter. They already sparkle!

64. Love Potion to use on Jasper. Mwahahaha.

65. Superglue

66. Cheese that does not taste like cheese. Blastophemy I say!

67. An expired movie ticket.

68. Non absorbant sponge.

69. Powered milk. NO USE! **(A/N: May be biased there.)**

70. Mobile/Cell phone with no reception. You have to admit. It's useless then.

71. Candle with nothing to light it with.

72. Fish oil tablets. **(A/N: briiittx xhc!)**

73. Some random homeless person from down in Port Angeles.

74. Bullets but no gun.

75. An Edward Cullen Doll. She bought a doll of her own brother.

**A/N: Well in other news.. I'm watching **_Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_** right now and I'm rereading **_Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, _**another reason why I've been slow. Can't seem to put the book down.****Have to refresh myself for when the movie finally comes out mid July. **

**Again I'm REALLY sorry about this chapter being a week overdue. Am I forgiven? Blame my family and my mind. Oh and my obsession with shopping this week. I've done a lot of that. So much money.. FAMILY GUY SEASON 7 IS MINE! So bought it last Friday.**

**At the end of each chapter I'm going to include a random fact I've read on the internet.**

Right handed people, on average, live nine years longer then left handed people

**-----------------------------------**

**Preview for Chapter 33**: "I want to use one of those long noodle shape things that kid over there is using!"

**Review for Chapter Title and EXTENDED preview**

**CHAPTER 33 OUT THE 15TH OF JANUARY. 4 DAYS GUYS!**

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	33. Beach Anyone?

**Chapter Thirty Three: Beach Anyone?**

**A/N: _Bored of Eternity_ has been out for 6 months. So this is it's anniversary. Are you proud of me? Chapter 32 wasn't as popular as Chapter 31. Hmm... sorry about that. **

**Review for an anniversary present? Mwahahaha. This is out after five days of Chapter 32. Late I know. Sorry but was busy and had an accident at home.**

**So... I went to the shops a couple of days ago and bought rainbow highlighters!!!! They are pretty colours! TASTE THE FREAKING RAINBOW! **

**Funny story: Mattress Surfing down my stairs is fun! Oh and I don't need a key to get into my mum's house. **

**-Shifty eyes-**

**Thanks to those that did review Alice's list. You guys gave me motivation... and the energy drink contributed too. (In order): **_bbbff1996_**, **_Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**, **_twilightgal101_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_Strong on the surface_**, **_angelluvu4eva_**, **_xXWhen(dot)Teletubiies(dot)Go(dot)MadXx_**, **_I (dot) Run (dot) With (dot) The (dot) Cullens_**, **_Amanda-gurl1901_**, **_Hawktalon (dot) of (dot) Windclan_**, **_chrisjord_**, **_Kyleena_** and **_Lady Saruman_**.**

**14 reviews for last chapter. Can I get 16 for this chapter? I'll love you all if you do. I need motivation and its the six month anniversary! Let's get to 700.**

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**EmPOV**

Wooh today was a hot day. Though the sun wasn't shining. Which doesn't make sense if you ask me. How could it be hot when the sun is not shining?

"It's called humidity Emmett," Edward answered the question in my mind from upstairs. How does he do it? Oh right... mind reader. Strength beats mind reading in my mind.

Everybody was downstairs. I was upstairs... for some reason. Oh yeah.. I was keeping to my New Years Resolution. I changed my underwear! Jesus would be proud of me. I should probably go downstairs and convert to the expectations of society today. Edward Scissorhands!

Walking downstairs I overheard Alice talking.

"There's this cute little qiant beach house that we could rent out for three nights!"

Oh I love staying in other houses. Exploring! "Let's go there. I want to break in another house," I jumped into the room chipping off a bit of the frame of the door. Oops... I didn't do it. The tree did.

Esme was gripping the chair with her hands and looking at me through one eye.

"Emmett last time you broke in a house, you broke the house," Edward said.

"Well it caved in. So technically I broke IN the house."

Bella took her hand out of a carefully monitored packet of skittles, "That actually works. Emmett didn't lie."

"Yeah I DONT LIE!"

"How about when you ate all the flour and blamed it on Jacob?" Carlisle said drinking his de-caffeinated coffee. Ain't gonna last long on that.

"Jacob stalks me."

"What about the time you ran around Forks naked and blamed it on a magpie taking all your clothes?"

"The lepracorn told me to burn things!'

"That makes no sense. Well if we do go for a weekend trip no breaking stuff. Do I make myself clear?" Carlisle said in his father voice. He has so many voices.

"No you're not clear. You're a solid, cold vampire!" I chuckled. Everyone else groaned. Must be something Edward did.

"Can we move on? Okay this is a first for everyone. We're going to go to the beach!" Rose blurted out letting herself not be her normal self.

"Oh the beach! I love the sand. I usually don't strike up conversations with it. Unless...." Bella trailed off.

"Yeah. I predict it's going to be a pretty warm weekend but completely overcast cloudy near Port Angeles," Alice said in her pyshcic voice.

"Well give us details.. details. What does the house have? Any nice furniture? They better do. I never stay anywhere with indecent furniture. I love my furniture. All my non-Emmett broken furniture!" Esme said raising her voice at the end sounding paranoid. What did I do now?

I have a glandular problem. Thus the reason for my size. I'm a vampire! Here me roar... well hear the lion roar before I eat it. Who's the winner now!

"There are four bedrooms; one for each couple, wireless internet, spacious rooms.. so Emmett can fit, Oceanfront view, IT HAS AN ICE MAKER MACINE, patio, cable tv, BBQ, kid friendly... for Emmett, full kitchen, 2 and a half bathrooms, sunroom and off street parking." Alice finally finished.

Oh my... I love ice makers.... Though I prefer the drug. Illicit! I haven't had drugs in a while. Why not? Dang... Carlisle still has the lock on the cabinet. Child proof. Wow I could totally live in that beach house. "Thats a lot of sh-"

"Emmett no swearing. Or I will bite you!" Esme said in her mother voice.

----

**BPOV**

Oh no Esme didn't. Why can't I be threatened too? "This isn't fun! I'm the one who should be threatened with biting. I want to be a vampire. This is a load of sh-"

"-Bella you too. Don't make me wash your mouth out with soap," Esme said.

"Why can't you bite me?" I asked. Esme shrugged.

"It's up to Edward. He's got the rights to your soul." Wait? There's rights?

I pouted and then looked at Edward. "Nope,' he replied simply. Stupid freaking protective vampire who doesn't want his love to turn into a 'monster'. When I do.. I will bite him really really hard as payback... then eat some skittles!

"Look lets just get in the car," Alice ordered everyone.

"But... we have to pack... and reserve the house," Carlisle whined.

"Already packed for everyone and rung up the owner and confirmed." **(A/N: The link to the house is on my profile.)**

Carlisle perked up. "All set then. We must leave immediately. I want to lounge at the beach in a deck chair drinking coffee!"

"Defcaffeinated my dear," Esme said soothingly to Carlisle. Jasper is the only one with emotional powers... which is also considered evil... well to him.

I'm actually fair tired. I think I'll sleep in the car or something.

"Wait. Carlisle I thought your resolution was to find something new to obsess over?" Edward asked. Like he didn't know. He has an excellent VAMPIRE memory. Some people have all the luck.

"Oh yes. Let me ponder about this for a minute," Carlisle put his left index finger on his chin.

"Wouldn't work," Edward said. Obviously to Carlisle's thoughts. "Too simple, against the law, no shoplifting, nope, how is that an obsession?, what is that?" Edward continued to object all of Big C's pondering.

"Blast. How about this then?"

"That would work Carlisle."

"Excellent. My new obsession shall be HIGHLIGHTERS! But guess what else? I'm still keeping my cafeinated coffee obsession! Because... the resolution was to get a new obsession but didn't say I had to stop with my coffee one. LOOPHOLE!" Carlisle shouted and then ran to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee with four extra shots.

"Everyone just get into your cars. Edward and Bella in the Volvo, Emmett and Rose in Jeep, Jazz and I in my porsche and Esme and Carlisle in the mercedes," Alice ordered again. It sounds like she's ordering food at a fast food outlet.. all this ordering. I wanna be a vampire. Apple pie tastes nice covered in sugar!

Everyone went to their respected cars and drove away from the reallyyyyyyyyyyy big Cullen House.

We had just drove out of Forks, LIKE THE UTENSIL, when Edward and I heard some off-key singing. It was Emmett.

"99 bottles of blood on the wall, 99 bottles of blood. I take one down, pour it down, 98 bottles of blood on the wall!"

Even without vampire hearing I could hear him. Apparently so could people we passed. Oh I love evil stares that people give. I always win in competitions with Edward.

----

**JPOV**

After what seemed twenty hours, we finally made it to the beach despite Emmett insisting on stopping at some random shop on the way there to buy floaties. Only to find that there were none that could fit past his elbow.

I saw a little boy in the water waddling about on some long thick stick contraption. Must get me one of them!

"I want to use one of those long noodle shape things that kid over there is using!" I jumped and clapped his hands as we arrived at the beach after dumping our luggage in the Beach House.

"You mean a noodle?" Alice said.

"I dont care! I want one!"

"Aww... he doesn't look evil at the moment. In fact he looks like a cute little child," Bella whispered to Esme. What? She better not have called me cute. Nu huh!

I turned around with an evil glare. "Who said that!?"

Everyone looked at each other. Emmett finally spoke. "It was me!"

"Oh you admit to doing something you didn't do when you can't admit to something you ACTUALLY did? What the hell?" Esme asked. Wow don't see her losing her cool often. Probably cause I fiddle with her emotions.

"Not normal, honey. Emmett is not normal," Carlisle said from his beach chair under an umbrella drinking coffee out of a new mug he found in the beach house. How did he set it up that quick in human speed without us noticing? And Rose was applying sunscreen? WTF?

"Beats me," Edward replied to my thoughs. He should stop doing that!

"I want a noodle still!" I whined.

"Here I packed 10 noodles. I foresaw your little whinge," Alice stated and past me a blue noodle. I did not whinge! Mwahahahahaha I'm evil!

"Don't want blue. I want green," I crossed my arms and huffed.

"Dude let's just go and swim. The water looks like the sky. It's blue!" Emmett cheered the ocean on. I don't know how exactly you cheer an ocean on but meh. Anything is possible... like vampires for example.

Let's make a game of this.

"Last one to the water is a human," I shouted as I dropped my towel and ran towards the water at a measley human pace. I could hear the others following me.

"That's not meant to be patronising me is it?" Bella asked. Oh right. She's a human.

"Well you do trip a lot," Edward said. Oh Edward standing against the almost Mrs. Funny stuff.

I kept on running towards the water. Everyone was looking at me funny. Note to self: Blast them up with the sandwich bomb you have for 'lunch'.

"I'm won!" I yelled as I made contact with the waer first. Oh... no humans better have heard that... besides Bella. Concrete making contact with water can be really loud. Moving on.

Edward soon followed. Then Alice, Rose, Bella THEN Emmett. Bella beat Emmett?

"Emmett how did Bella beat you? No offence Bella," Alice said as we were wading in the sea.

"Um... I was staring at a little girl... that I could.... kidnap," Emmett said quietly.

"UNDER THE SEA UNDER THE SEA. DARLING IT'S BETTER DOWN WHERE IT'S WETTER. TAKE IT FROM ME!" Bella randomly burst out singing that Under the Sea song from the Little Mermaid.

Emmett started laughing. "I think Bella's telling you something Edward."

Oh bad Emmett. The whole family watched as Edward threw himself at Emmett and wrestled in the water.

----

**EsPOV**

The beach was really relaxing and peaceful. Besides the constant bickering between Emmett and Edward at the moment. They were wrestling, which provided entertainment for the girls... and other women on this beach. I could tell Rose, Alice and Bella were getting a tad irritated. Carlisle was getting stared at even.

"Carlisle stop drinking that coffee and drawing on yourself with a lime green highlighter. I want to play beach volleyball," I said to my husband. This family ain't normal.

"Pfft fine let me call the troops in. ASSEMBLE up near us GANG!" Carlisle yelled to the kids. I love it when he yells.

But the thing is... mwahah... yes I evil laughed. Blasted Jasper is influencing me.... the children actually came to Carlisle calling.

Edward came up to me, "ESME I WON! I won the wrestling match against Emmett!" he cried with glee.

"That's probably only because Emmett wanted to see what salt water tastes like,' Rose intervened.

"Boo you," Edward poked his tongue out. Is he resorting back to a three year old state of mind after around a hundred years on this earth?

"I'm bored of eternity and I want to play beach volleyball," I said to everyone.

"What's the difference between normal volleyball?" Emmett asked.

"With beach volleyball it's played on the beach, normal volleyball isn't," Rose stated slowly so her man could understand.

"Oh that explains why sand is browny yellow," Jasper piped in. What? How does it?

"No it doesn't Jasper," Alice said. Jasper looked up.

"Oh I was thinking about an evil plan in my head that you will never know about!" he screamed.

"Erm.... I know about it," Edawrd said.

"Blast!" Jasper sulked.

"Let's freaking play!" I'm getting impatient. Maybe it's my plant and furniture withdrawal. I did remember to water the plants before we left didn't I? Hmm... I'm supposed to have a good memory. Dang.

"Alright then. Alice, Jasper, Bella and Edward against me, Emmett, Esme and Carlisle," Rose decided the teams.

"Whatever just play. It's on like donkey kong," I said with my fingers in a V shape as I pointed them at the opposing team then my eyes and back.

We had been playing now for around fifteen minutes. In that time Emmett had punctured a volleyball from hitting it to hard, Jasper had figured out twenty new evil plans involving beaches, Carlisle had drunken six more cups of coffee and a little random human girl had gotten too close to Rose resulting in her cooing over the child.

The score was 6-7 our way. My team was just winning. Yes I made them call the the team 'Team Esme'. It was the first team to 10.

Alice's team was serving and Edward did a brilliant serve if I do say so myself. The ball flew over the net straight to Carlisle who managed to hit it but spilt coffee on himself. Then the ball flew to Bella. Until.... CRASH. Bella was on the ground.

"Good afternoon sand. My I haven't fallen onto you for ages. Do I get a welcome back cupcake? How's the ocean treating you?" Bella said to the sand. Oh god she's talking to the sand now?

"Oh no... I didn't catch Bella!" Edward cried. "Let me go and find the nearest cliff so I can jump off it."

**(READ IMPORTANT A/N AT THE BOTTOM REGARDING NEXT CHAPTER)**

"Again is that supposed to be making fun of me? The cliff won't kill you. You're a vampire! I forgive you. It was about time I visited my old friend Sammy the Sand. He missed me. Told me to say hi to the grass," Bella tried to comfort him.

"I'm not comforted," Edward said.

"Well then. Go and make me chicken for dinner!"

"That would help me feel better," Edward cheered up.

"OH MAN I WANT CHICKEN!" Emmett whined.

"No... help Jasper take down our volleyball ne," I ordered him in my mother tone!

"Excellent," Jasper whispered evily when the rest of us, besides him and Emmett, headed to the beach house.

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**A/N: 6 MONTHS! Okay now I shall depart in a minute to go and drink some more energy drink. I have to finish off my can. You're only allowed 500ml a day which is exactly one can.**

**Why am I rambling on about energy drinks? Hmm... never mind.**

**I hope this chapter was better than the last. I personally think it is. But I'm the author so yeah. Now I must depart to go. Now I'm reading **_Lock and Key_** by Sarah Dessen. **

**IMPORTANT: Oh next chapter is **_klutzygirl34_**'s idea: YouTube Wars. Now can someone please tell me in as MUCH detail as you CAN about what they are and how Youtube Wars work. I've already got the POVs and Teams sorted out. Just need to know the rules et cetera. **

**Don't make me google it.**

**Random Fact 2: **You're born with 300 bones but by the time you become an adult you only have 206**.**

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Preview for Chapter 34**: "What is this comment meant to mean?"

**Review for Chapter Title and EXTENDED preview**

**Chapter 34 out 23rd January... most likely!**

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	34. Youtube It

**Chapter Thirty Four: Youtube It**

**Disclaimer: Mary has a little lamb. Stephenie Meyer has Twilight and I have a glass of coke next to me. Wow I'm even including Nursery Rhymes.**

**A/N: I'M SLACK. ITS BEEN 2 WEEKS SINCE I UPDATED. ALRIGHT.... SORRY. BLAME GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL THEN BLAME SCHOOL ALREADY!**

**Okay I've heard one or two different views on what Youtube Wars are. So I'm just going to make my own rules in this chapter that will be explained by one of the characters. I really hope you all are able to make sense of this war. It's actually really a competition more then a war. So I hope you are happy with my own version.**

**Thanks to those who reviewed last chapter. OMG there was quite a number of you. I'm sooo ecstatic. Keep it up please. (In Order): **_twilightgal101_**, **_The Darksider_**, **_AliceC1_**, **_SarahtheEmpath_**, **_ShadowCatcher_**, **_Lady Saruman_**, **_paranoia-takes-its-toll_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_1(dot)Run(dot)With(dot)The(dot)Cullens_**, **_Kyleena_**, **_Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_TeaCullen_**, **_Hawktalon (dot) of (dot) Windclan_**, **_chrisjord_**, **_cullenfan101_**, **_xx-i-luv-edward-4-eva-xx_**, **_awsometastic twilight jasper_**, **_sam-cullen14_**, **_angelluvu4eva_**, **_Fitzy-Loves-Footy_**, **_meow114_**, and **_briiittx xhc_**. 20 FREAING 3 REVIEWS!!! OH YAY! Now I feel guilty.**

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**EmPOV**

Another day at home on the weekend. School just began again after winter break and I'm sick of it already. I plan to eat it. It's number ten on my list to eat. The math teacher, some freshman that looked at me when I told him I was a vampire, ,Moldy Voldemort, Edward, that chick at the checkout in WalMart, the sun, a few other things and then school.

"Emmett are you thinking about your list of things you plan to eat again?" Bella called out to me and I heard her with my supersonic vampire hearing!

"ARGH.... can you read my mind like Edward?!" I screamed. She better not be.

"No. I wish.... I'm not a stupid vampire remember. Someone won't change me!" Bella sulked.** (A/N: Please read my IMPORTANT note at the bottom regarding this story.)**

"Oh... well I am."

"I knew it! Oh physic I am!" Bella burst into the Lounge Room doing a victory dance until Edward came in a dragged her away.

"Too much sugar already and it's not even eight am," he muttered under his breath.

"You know what. I am really bored. Even a slinky couldn't amuse me at the moment," I yelled.

At the mention of the word 'slinky' Jasper came running into the room.

"You don't own a slinky do you?" he asked me. Oh... crap.

"I don't," I replied

"OMG ... YOU'VE BEEN USING MY SILVER SLINKY KINS HAVEN'T YOU?" Jasper shouted. I'm dead... again.

"Urgh..."

"ARGH I'M GOING TO NEED A WHOLE LOT OF EVILNESS TO BLOCK YOU! Oh I know.. I'm going to block you on MSN!" Jasper evil laughed at that thought.

"Oh now you've done it," Esme called out to me. The worst thing in the house was to be blocked over MSN or AIM. Well not the worst thing but the top 5.

"I'm bored!" I whined.

"Emmett how about we go and play some snap on our big, comfortable bed?" Rosalie said seductively.

"Oh I like foreplay!" I said. "Score!"

"Oh no you don't. I have the perfect idea to beat boredom my darling children," Esme called.

"Licking icecreams?" Jasper asked.

"What the hell? No! Meet in the living room now," Esme replied.

Carlisle sighed at hearing the word 'living room' and went to get some more coffee. His tenth cup today and it's not even eight thirty.

I sighed and walked downstairs to the loungeroom. The room has 2 names. Lounge and Living room. Oh thats awesome. It has an alias. I want an alias. Oh I know... my alias shall now be 'Vampire Man!' Vampire by day.. and vampire by night. What do you think Edward? I could be the next superman? I thought in my head.

"Emmett I don't think it will become famous," Edward said from his spot on the couch next to the hyped up human.

"Hush everyone. Now is the time for the fun to begin. Oh this is going to be cool. I've never been the one to come up with an idea to beat our boredom before. Are you ready everyone?" Esme pep talked us.

"YES!" we screamed.

"I can't hear you!"

"WE ARE READY!" we screamed louder. I think the roof may have been raised a bit. Oh.. I forgot that I left that sheep up there. Hope it's okay.

----------

**EPOV**

Hmm... I wonder how many times the world has orbited the sun since the beginning of time. Note to self: Find that out. Everyone was sitting in the Lounge Room waiting for Esme to begin speaking again after we had just screamed enthusiastically saying that we're ready for her idea. She was blocking her mind so that I haven't been able to find out yet.

"Esme why are you blocking me?" I asked.

"Well... I have to be fair to all my children. No advantages."

"What about Alice's seeing the future ability?" Emmett asked.

"Oh well it's not my decision about who's going to win this. So Alice can't really see which team is going to win."

"Oh what team?" Carlisle asked.

Esme didn't like all these questions. She sighed. "I'm getting to that honey."

_I plan to eat my husband now too_. Esme thought to herself. She didn't even block me. Why does everyone have lists of people they want to eat. Am I the only one? **(A/N: Yes.. I have a very long list of people I have to eat. Emmett's list is similar to mine. Minus Edward and the Walmart Chick. Australia doesn't have a Walmart.)**

"Please can we move on? We won't have any time left," Rosalie huffed. Oh I think I have an eating list now. Rose is on it.

"Well I decided we should have YouTube wars," Esme started.

"What are yo-" Emmett began.

"No shhh Emmett. Let me finish. Well it's more of a competition. We'll split into two teams. They will be Carlisle, Alice, Emmett and Bella verse Rose, Jasper, Edward and myself. Now the war is over who can make the best funny video clip of a song. It can be any song. Everyone following?"

"Yes," we chanted together.. besides Jasper.

"Can it be evil?" he asked. Oh bloody hell.

"Only if your other team mates agree with it," Esme said.

_No_, Rose thought.

_Nope_, Esme thought and I was thinking 'no' too. He needs to be less evil.

"Moving on. It has to be posted by midday and at midnight it will be taken off of youtube. The aim is to get more views, text comments and video comments then the other team."

"What does the winning team get?" Alice asked.

"How about a rubber duck?" Emmett asked.

"Oh I'm getting me one of them!" Jasper shouted.

"I agree!" Carlisle cheered.

"What? The winners each get a rubber duck?" Rose asked.

"Sure why not and I'll throw in a week's slavery of the losing team to the winning team," Esme concluded.

"Alright. Teams go into different rooms. You have 2 hours before your video has to be posted. What do you want to do?" Esme asked.

"Oh oh oh guys can we do Sex on Fire?" Alice asked her team mates.

"Sure... I guess," Carlisle said drinking coffee. He doesn't know what that song is about does he?

"Oh and I so want to do Hot and Cold by Katy Perry!" Jasper yelled. The room was silent.

"Erh... if it helps you Jasper," Esme said. Evil weird guy.

----------

**APOV**

Watching the comments rolling in is going to be fun! I can already see that we're going to get loads. It's because of my fashion expertise isn't it? Golly good clothes my team was wearing.

"There. The video has now been uploaded under my account which shall remain secret!" I evil laughed.

Jasper has been teaching me how to evil laugh at nights when we're ALONE in our bedroom. Mighty fun I dare say.

"Ah Alice. I can easily just get closer to the screen and see your account name in the top right hand corner," Bella stated. Ha... she has to get closer to read it. I don't.

"No!!!" I shouted then put my hand on the screen to cover it. No one shall see what my alias is.

"Alice we already know. Remember that time we all commented on a video Emmett made? Your name even has the word 'Alice' in it. Geez," Edward came into the room we were in, said that then left. What an annoying vampire.

"Okay fine whatever. Just to let you know. I plan to eat you, Edward," I yelled.

"HEY! He's on my eat list!" Emmett screamed in my ear. Ow.

"Well we have seven hours left until we see who the winner is," Carlisle said in his father controllive tone. I heard the little bleep indicated that I had a new email.

"Oh oh look we have an email from Youtube already saying that we have a text comment," I cheered as I opened my inbox and clicked on it.

Everyone leaned over so that they could see the comment on my laptop.

'The blonde dad is smokin' hot!' Wow this is making for an awkward silence.

"What is this comment meant to mean? Does it mean I'm on fire?" Carlisle asked out loud after we had read the first text comment that someone had typed only a few seconds ago.

It was from someone named '_janeelaneeboo_'. **(A/N: Alright now that is a real youtube account name. It's my sister's account. Sssh don't tell her that I'm using it!)**

"Guess someone wants a little something something," Emmett laughed out loud banging his fist onto the floor where he was sitting... resulting in a hole in the floor. Dang it.

I wonder how the other team are going. We're so going to win though. I can feel it in my undead bones. BING. Oh another text comment.

"Oh we're loved so much!" Emmett screamed like a girl and clapped his hands while jumping up and down.

This time the comment was from Lauren. You could tell immediately. Who else would have the account name of 'LaurenplusJasperequalslove'.

Yes that stupid bitch has moved on from Edward to my manly man Jazzie. I'm going to have to eat her.

"Let's just get her comment over with," Bella sighed. Same wavelength. Minus the loving Jasper more then in a sibling way bit. Oh long sentence there in my head.

"Okay her comment is 'Jazzie's daddy can be my sugar daddy any day of the week." I read out. Oh that was really bad to read out. I need to blast my mind with happy loud music.

"Ew ew ew ew," Bella said.

"Oh thanks. Don't worry. I'm scared. I want to go and hide in the shower!" Carlisle said.

"There's lots of room. Let's all hide in the shower!" Emmett said.

"Okay Emmett that's just weird. Plus only I can fit in there,"Carlisle said.

"How?"

"Well... there's me, my coffee machine, six mugs, sugar, milk, spoons, and saucers. ALL MINE!" Carlisle evil laughed. Everyone's evil laughing today!

I wonder how the other team are going.

----------

**JPOV**

MWAHAHA... It was now ten pm and our team already had over a thousand views, eighty eight text comments and even one... slightly disturbing video comment from someone with the name '_AnItA123rOx123_'. **(A/N: That's my account. Bite me.. I made the name up 3 years ago. I haven't posted any videos yet, though I plan to soon.)**

"We're going to win this youtube war!" Esme yelled. Oh now I have a mother that's high on paint fumes. She was repainting the guest room yesterday and I guess it's going straight to her head. I read something about this in the evil book for dummies I got for christmas. Man I love that christmas present. I'm not allowed to sleep with it though. Alice won't let me.

"Okay now how about we go and watch the other team's video? We haven't done that yet," Edward suggested. Of course he probably just wanted to check Bella out because the song title has the word 'sex' in it. Oh I laugh.. evilly... again.

"Sure that would be fun! I love sex!" Esme shouted. Oh my. I'm mildly disturbed.

We watched the other team's video and I admit. It was pretty good. Or maybe it was just Alice in noiceeeeee clothes!

"Hot dang! I want Emmett!" Rose said.

"You have him," Edward said.

"No I want Emmett... in the pants!"

"Oh," Edward replied.

We ended up playing a few rounds of Go Fish as we waited until it was almost midnight and read the comments as they kept on rolling in. One in particular was from '_CupCakesNSweetiePies_' **(A/N: Sister's friend! Haha I'm soooo evil! Shhh.)**

That text comment read 'I could do a few things to the bronze one.'

Edward shuddered at that and ended up losing at Go Fish that round. Oh I laugh.

It was almost midnight when Esme called everyone back into the Loungeroom.

"Alright. It's now midnight. We're all in the same room now so count up your views, text and video comments now," Esme said. I guess she's off her paint high now.

"Oh oh oh we have three thousand and eight views, a hundred and twenty two text comments and eleven video responses," Alice said. Oh I like her counting and reading abilities. WTF JASPER?

"Okay that's noted. And what about my team? Edward read them out!" Esme ordered Edward. Edward huffed and took the laptop from my lap.

"HAHAHA... it's a laptop and it sits on top of your lap. Get it?!" Emmett laughed.

"Okay we have three thousand and seven views, a hundred and twenty one text comments and eleven video responses," Edward said.

Oh no. That means we lost?

"Well then. The winning team seems to be Bella, Emmett, Alice and Carlisle!" Esme announced!

"This is all Mike Newton's fault!" Edward sulked.

"How does Mike have anything to do with them winning?" Esme asked.

"He brought up their views and text comments one more then us just because MY Bella was in their video. He's so second on my list of people to eat!" Edward growled.

"Who's first then?" Rose asked. Edward laughed. Oh I know who's first! MWAHAHA.

"I want a red rubber duck!" Emmett shouted.

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**IMPORTANT: I have a new poll on my profile. It's about whether or not you want Bella to be changed into a vampire sometime during 'Bored of Eternity'. Around chapter 50 or so?**

**Please go and vote in it or tell me in a review, email or PM. You guys are the ones who will read this in the end. So your opinions matter. The poll will end just after I post chapter 45. So another 10 chapters so you have around 3 months I guess to vote. But make sure you do!**

**A/N: OMG school has started! Now its the weekend. Already have homework! Ahhh... so my updates will probably range from updating every 1 to 2 weeks. I'll be in Year 11, Grade 11 or Junior Year. Whatever you call it and that requires more work. **

**The subjects I'm taking are Advanced Math, Advanced English , Ancient History, Biology, Religion studies 1 (Compulsory), Hospitality and Business Studies. **

**Yes kill me. So I'll AT LEAST once a fortnight. Sorry about this. **

**This chapter was a **_klutzygirl34_** idea! She's been waiting for this chapter since just before I posted chapter 25.**

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**Preview for Chapter 35: **"Guys, guys! I can't see anything! Am I dead?"

**Review for Chapter title and EXTENDED preview**

**Chapter 35 out 7th February. **

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	35. I'm Coming to Get You!

**Chapter Thirty Five: I'm coming to get you!**

**Disclaimer: I hate School. I don't own Twilight.**

**A/N: You know what a good song to listen to when you do your homework is? **I Don't Care by Fall Out Boy**. Yesterday I danced to it in the kitchen with socks on when I was home alone procrastinating math homework this time. **

**Alright so I've dropped Ancient History and doing extended english which means on Tuesdays and Wednesdays I'll have to wake up really early to get to school earlier.**

**ALRIGHT SORRY. I WON'T BLAME YOU IF YOU HATE ME. A week after I was MEANT to post. Sorry. Well today is Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Hope this chapter is worth the wait. I actually think this chapter is pretty good. **

**Thanks to those who reviewed the previous chapter. (In order): **_chrisjord_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_paranoia-takes-its-toll_**, **_Lady Saruman_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**, **_twilighgal101_**, **_sam-cullen14_**, **_TeaCullen_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_SarahtheEmpath_**, **_cullenfan101_**, **_evelyna145_**, **_ShadowCatcher_**, **_I(dot)Run(dot)With(dot)The(dot)Cullens_**, **_Dance Alice Dance,__yellowmaniac_**, **_Kyleena_**, **_Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_saku-syao-eva_**, and **_Willie Jean_**.**

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**CPOV**

The family really has to do something constructive and fast. I feel like my head may implode from boredom. Emmett and I have just scrubbed EVERY surface of this house from top to bottom over the weekend. I can see my reflection on the carpet.

....That may be because Emmett used some cleaning chemical that was meant to be used for bathroom grime and scum ...but he used it on the carpet... and it turned all shiny. I love shiny things! So the house was clean, Alice was stuffed neatly into her closest like tetris, Bella was eating sugar and the rest of the flock were somewhere in the house or yard.

"I don't care what you think as long as its about me!" I heard Emmett yell to Edward downstairs. Boys will be boys. I should know... I am a guy... a vampire guy!

"Emmett stop using song lyrics as sentences!" Edward replied back.

Oh an argument is on the rise. Entertainment. Grab some coffee and watch the show. The Edward and Emmett show.

"What? I'm using lyrics?" Emmett asked.

"Duh. That sentence is from the song I don't Care by Fall Out Boy."

"That song sounds like it may tickle my fancy. I must depart and listen to it. I bid you a due," Emmett formally said and then went to download it.

DAMN IT! I missed the argument. Did Emmett just say something formal and not laugh? Is it spring?

Emmett becomes weird in Spring for a few days. Don't ask about that. Another time, another country.

"Esme I'm boredddddddddddd," I whined to my wife.

"What do you want me to do about it?" she replied.

"I don't know. Amuse me?"

Esme came into our room."In what way?" she winked.

"Meh not in that way. The family needs to get together and play a new game that we haven't done yet." It was Monday. The children didn't have school today because of a long weekend for some reason or another. I lost count.

"Fine. Gather the flock in the kitchen this time. I know you hate the Living Room," Esme ordered me then walked out to go make Emmett and Rose's bed after they got too involved in their game of SNAP a couple of hours ago.

"I loathe the Living Room. We're dead. It's ironic!" I yelled to my wife as I left the bedroom.

"Big C. I would do you," Emmett called to me as I walked downt the stairs. Okayyyyy.... WTF?

"Sorry bout him. He actually got into your medicine cabinet for the first time in six months," Rose told me.

That explains it.

"Flock. Meet in the kitchen," Edward called.

"Wait. That's my line," I said.

"Well I read your mind and wanted to beat you to the punch," Edward replied.

"Where's the punch? I'm thirsty," Bella said running into the room.

Esme descended the stairs. "There's some punch in the fridge," she told Bella and Bella skidded off to our meeting room.

I took an unnecessary breath in then out and proceeded to make my way into the kitchen. I was the last to arrive. Fashionably late is a good thing. I learnt it from Alice.

"Alright. You all should know why I have called you in here today," I began but I was interrupted by Alice.

"Pfft no. What do you take us for? An Edward?" Alice retorted.

"Hey. Just cause I know why he called us here today," Edward bit back.

"Yeah but you're just a freak!" Alice yelled.

"Enough! I called you in here today because... I have an idea."

----

**EsPOV**

"Oh mighty husband of mine. Please do enlighten us on what your idea is," I coaxed Carlisle.

But just as I finished I heard that unforgiving beep.

"Hang on. That was the coffee machine. Must be time for my hourly coffee," Carlisle cheered up and strode towards the beloved machine, ignoring the rest of the family.

"What?! Carlisle. The idea!" Bella called to him as he walked the five metres to the machine.

There was nothing we could do to get Carlisle away from the coffee machine. We had to endure it while Carlisle slowly and precisely made his coffee to perfection.

"Guys I'm bored. Let's all count to ten in french!" Bella shouted. I think she's broken her New Years Resolution or was very close to breaking it.

"I don't know how to," Jasper said. Really? I thought he would have.

"Fine let's just sit here then and wait for Mr Coffee Addict to finish his making his coffee then," Bella huffed and jumped into Edward's lap.

And so we sat!

And so we sat... for fifteen freaking minutes.

And so we sat... for fifteen freaking minutes as Carlisle perfected his eleven am coffee. **(A/N: Intentional repetition.)**

"Now where was I?" Carlisle asked us. We all had to get back up off of the kitchen floor and stretch. Just to keep the act up... except for Bella. **(A/N: READ MY STILL IMPORTANT NOTICE. LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION. OMG HAHA IT LITERALLY IS FOR BELLA!)**

"You were going to tell us your idea," Emmett said. Wow he's being like bi polarish today.

One minute he's really formal and the next he's.. well... normal Emmett.

"Oh yeah. Well I read it on some site on the internet. I worship the person who invented the internet. Who did?" Carlisle asked. Clearly he needs to get back on task.

"Shut up and continue with the idea!" Alice yelled. I like Alice. Nice touch.

"So theres this game called Murder in the Dark."

"OMG does this give me a chance to use Barney?" Emmett squealed.

"Who the hell is Barney?" Bella asked.

"You know. My gun I have," Emmett explained.** (AN: Chapter 18 I think I'm refering to).**

"Let me finish the cool instructions. Alright. Esme and myself will not be playing, unless Esme wants to. I will get six or seven pieces of paper. Two of them will be written on. One will say "police officer" and the other will say "killer. You will each pick one of the pieces of folded paper outa the hat that I am now suddenly wearing. Surprised at my quick hat wearing skills?" he asked us.

No one was. We all saw his vampire reflexes.

"I am," Bella piped in. Oh.. yeah. All of us except for Bella.

"Moving on. Whoever gets the 'police officer' card is the police officer and whoever gets the card with 'killer' written on it is the killer. If your piece of paper is blank then you are an innocent must NOT let anyone know if you are a victim, the killer or the police officer. It's strictly confidential. I will then turn the lights out. Everyone will walk around the bottom storey of the house only. If you are a victim and get tapped on the shoulder, you've been killed by the killer. Only the killer can tap people. Victims, you can make any sort of dying sound you want. The officers role is to try and find out who the killer is. If you think you've got it you have to turn the light on and say their name. If you're wrong, then you get 'shot' and the game has ended. The game also ends if all the victims are dead or if the police officer gets tapped on the shoulder by the killer. If the officer does get tapped their last words must be "I am the Police Officer. Hear me roar. I will then turn the lights on again. Am I clear?"

This game seems like fun. Oh but we must do something about Alice and Edward. Oh I know.

"Alice and Edward will have to wear those aluminium hats again to stop their jedi mindpowers from giving them an advantage," I spoke up. Alice and Edward groaned.

"You are right my dear," Carlisle said rushing to get the helmets.

-----

**BPOV**

The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants go marching one by one the little one stops to suck his thumb. And they all go marching down to get outa the rain boom boom. Down to get outa the rain boom boom.

I was snapped outa my sugar hype stage as Carlisle came back down with two metal helmets. The same ones as we used in Deal or No Deal.

"Okay put these on," Carlisle said handing them to Alice and Edward who looked at it as though it were chocolate.

OMG is there chocolate in those helmets?

"No Bella there isn't," Edward said. Did he just read my thoughts? That's impossible.

"H-How did you know what I was thinking?"

"I don't know. But I could tell by the way you're eyes glazed over."

"Oh that explains it. My eyes tell all.

"Okay I have the paper folded and placed into a hat. Come and pick one out," Carlisle shouted.

Everyone picked out a piece of paper. I ended up being a victim. I'm happy with that. I don't really have the stamina to get up and be the killer or officer.

"Manhole. I like that word. Manhole," Emmett randomly burst out.

"Gee that's coming out in the open," Jasper spoke for like the first time in twenty five minutes.

"Yeah. You always find money in a manhole on the road," Emmett said.

"Time to begin. Everyone spread out on the first floor. No one is allowed to go upstairs," Carlisle lectured us.

I'm fair scared... and hyped up. Oh I love sugar! Everyone was now spread out between the living room, kitchen, bathroom, couple of spare guest rooms and the REC room. Carlisle turned the lights out to make the room completely pitch black. I don't like the dark I think... wait. I want to! I wanna be a vampire!

"Guys, guys! I can't see anything! Am I dead?" I heard Emmett from the other side of the room."Geez Emmett. No. We're playing Murder in the Dark. The lights are meant to be out so we can't find out who the killer is!" Alice shouted at him.

There was an awkward silence for around thirty seconds. I like that number. "Oh... hey.. someone just tapped me on the shoulder!" Emmett burst out.

"EMMETT NOW YOU'RE DEAD! MAKE DYING NOISES!" Jasper laughed... then he dropped 'dead'.

"Tell... A-Alice that I lo-love her. And that I'm sor-sorry about her pink top three ye-years ago," Jasper said his last 'dying' words.

"I'M RIGHT HERE IN THE KITCHEN YOU DOUFUS. What about my pink top?!" Oh no. Jasper's last words caused a tad bit of trouble.

"My heart is pounding like a nail," I said.

"Yeah we all know. We can hear it," Emmett yelled.

"Aren't you meant to be dead Emmett?" Alice shouted again to Emmett.

"Oh yeah. Hang on hang on. I'm a vampire. Technically I'm already dead."

"Just die Emmett!"

----

**EPOV**

Mwahahahahaha little did anyone know, but I was the killer. I will beat everyone and anyone who dare defies me... or I come across. So far I had 'killed' Jasper and Emmett. Esme and Carlisle were up in their bedroom... doing who knows what. I don't know either cause I have to wear this blasted metal

"Does anyone find this game a tad creepy?" Bella calls out. Oh great. She finds a _game_ creepy but not the idea of being engaged to a _vampire_! What is the world coming to these days. Back on task killer Edward. I like that

Time for my next target... Rosalie or Alice.

"So what plans shall we do for next weekend?" Rosalie randomly blurted out to start conversation.

"Meh I was thinking some paintball or something," Jasper replied.

"You're supposed to be dead!" I yelled out to him.

"Are you dead Edward?" Bella called out.

"Obviously not," Alice called out.

"Pffft whatev-" Bella was interupted by me. I had 'killed' my fiance. Oh that kinda cuts deep. But it was the aim of the game.

"I'm meltinggggggggggg, meltinggggggggggg," Bella screamed as she slowly sank to the floor. Oh this is actually pretty funny.

After five minutes I couldn't find anyone so far. Until I heard Rosalie's footsteps. I could tell they were hers cause of the red pumps she was wearing today.

I feel like an evil vampire now. Hunting prey in human form. Oh no... I'm a James... kinda.

"I'm coming to get you," I murmured in Rose's ear as I touched her shoulder.

"I am the Police Officer. Hear me roar!" Rose screamed as she died. Hahaha suck on that!

Everything was quiet for a moment and we heard a gun being fired outside on the front lawn.

Emmett?

I can't tell. Stupid anti-mindreading ability.

Suddenly the light turned on. It was Alice. "Where were you hiding?" Bella asked.

"Meh the grandfather clock."

We then heard Carlisle and Esme's bedroom door close.

"Well it appears that Rosalie was the officer. By the way she said her last words that the officer had to say," Carlisle said while coming down the stairs fixing up his shirt. Okayyyyyy that's disturbing.

"Ah well I loved playing the good person," Rose said.

"... for once," Alice muttered. But we could all hear her. Even Bella cause she was right next to Alice.

"Okay I just have a few of inquires," Carlisle said.

"Okay shoot away," I said.

"So who was the killer?"

"Well I was. Seeing as everyone was dead except for Alice. She's so small she hid herself in the grandfather clock in the hallway," I said.

"Alright. Two: Why is there red, sticky stuff on the floor that looks like blood?"

"Ah... about that. Well everyone kept telling me to die and you said I could make it realistic so I got some red cordial, poured it on the floor then rolled in it as I redied.. cause I'm already dead," Emmett owned up. Only Emmett would do that.

Esme was again twitching. _Must remember resolution. Must remember resolution_, Esme muttered to herself.

"And last but not least. Did I hear a gun shot a little while ago?" Carlisle looked at everyone. But especially at Emmett who was hugging Barney, his gun.

"I DIDN'T DO IT DOC!" Emmett shouted.

"Then who did?"

Everyone heard some muttering outside the window and we turned to see someone run off into the woods.

"Jacob?" Bella said. **(AN: MWAHAHAHA)**

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**IMPORTANT STILL: Okay so I think my poll is up and working again. Please review, vote, PM or email me your vote on whether you want Bella to become a vampire. Your vote may be the decider. It's open for another 2 to 3 months though but still. So far the votes are at:**

**Human Bella: 2**

**Vampire Bella: 10**

**There's a very clear difference. Don't like it? Vote! I'll keep you posted at the end of each chapter.**

**A/N: Oh yay. Another chapter posted. You know I never thought I would get this far or so many people would read it. It's my goal one day to get 1000 reviews. So maybe in the next 15-20 chapters we can see that happening?**

**Tell me your thoughts on Cullen Murder in the Dark! **

**OMG HAS .ANYONE HERE SEEN **The House Bunny**? Its a really funny comedy. Tell me if you have.**

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**Preview for Chapter 36**: "Drop those or you will never see the sun shining again!"

**Review for Chapter Title and EXTENDED preview of Chapter 36.**

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	36. Valentine's Day Dilemma

**Chapter Thirty-Six: Valentine's Day Dilemma**

**Disclaimer: I love my laptop and Twilight. But only one is mine. Guess which one.**

**A/N: CRAP I KNOW... A WHOLE FREAKING MONTH! I'M SO SORRY. But the good news is that I now have a schedule for what homework and assignment work to do for the next 2 weeks. **

**YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO WAIT A MONTH FOR ANOTHER UPDATE AGAIN. THE NEXT WILL DEFINITELY BE IN 2 WEEKS TOPS!**

**I HAVE A PAINT TEXTA PEN. THAT WRITES OUT PAINT ON ANYTHING! SO MARKING MY KNIVES! Haha in my Hospitality Tool Kit... don't worry.**

**Thank you everyone who reviewed the previous chapter. (In Order): **_awsometastic twilight jasper_**, **_Hawktalon (dot)of (dot) Windclan_**, **_AliceC1_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_twilightgal101_**, **_paranoia-takes-its-toll_**, **_FabioandRichard4Ever_**, **_Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_Lady Saruman_**, **_Kyleena_**, **_cullenfan101_**, **_jazzie-loves-me-22_**, **_princesss-charly_**, **_saku-syao-4eva_**, **_WittyRaven_**, **_briiittx xhc_**, **_Fangirl-of-Werewolves_**, **_xx-i-luv-edward-4-eva-xx_**, **_Jasperismylover_**, **_kdscutie_**, **_cathyl1226_**, and **_abbers102_**.**

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**APOV**

Today was once again Valentine's Day. I've lived through many of them. The first one Jasper and I celebrated together was quite a long time ago. He gave me a simple bouquet of pink roses. I love the colour pink. It reminds me of the shirt I bought last week that's strapless.

I wonder what Jasper will get me this year? I hope it's that new shiny GPS Navigation system for my yellow Porsche. Well...time to wake up everyone else... wait... just Bella.

"Welcome to Vampire Heaven Bella you have won the right to become a vampire," I shouted into Bella's ear. Edward tutted from the corner of the room. He just loves watching Bella from the corner of rooms. Like you see him at school the cafeteria in a corner watching her eat whatever mystery meat the school is trying to poison their students with that week.

Oh oh last week it was Spam. Such a rip off of ham. Get an original name for your meat!

Bella jumped out of bed when she heard the words become, vampire and Bella together in one sentence.

"Oh yes! I knew this day would come. Sucked in Edward!" Bella screamed at Edward, pointed her index finger at him and blew a raspberry. Edward slit his eyes... at me. Woops.

"Uh Bella. That was just a lie to get you to wake up," I said innocently and put on my cute pout.

"Dang. I was looking forward to it! I blame you Edward," Bella said. YES! I'm out of the bad books.

"Wait. Why am I to blame?' Edward asked. Haha did I start an argument?

"Well.... you won't give me candy!"

"You go mental if I do." Bella stared at Edward even more intensely.

"Fine... have some M&Ms," Edward sighed and retrieved a snack-sized packet from somewhere and handed it to Bella.

"I wub ooh ebwod" Bella said with her mouth full of chocolate. I personally like the crispy M&Ms best. Yes I speak from experience.

Time to interrupt this love fest with an announcement. "Guys, guys, guess what today is?!" I jumped up and down in excitement.

"St Patricks day?" Bella asked.

"Halloween?" Edward asked.

Emmett voiced his answer from downstairs, "Valentine's Day?" W-o-W Emmett guessed right.

"Wow Emmett was actually the only one to guess correctly," I said. The surprise was evident in my voice.

"Oh I know right! I only know because Rose threatened to not play SNAP with me if I forgot," Emmett yelled. Ah... makes perfect sense.

"Man you're whipped!" Edward laughed.

Emmett came running up the stairs, "Says the person who gives candy to his fiancé whenever she asks."

"Oh snap!" I yelled at Emmett's answer. He perked up his head.

"Who's playing snap?" Emmett asked gleefully.

"Twas an expression Emmett. Only you and Rosalie play 'snap'," Bella said. Haha I laugh... it's true.

"Guys guys.... back it up. Today is Valentine's Day. Remember the traditions we have? This year Edward can actually partake in them!" I shouted in delight.

"Oh bite me," Edward retaliated.

Emmett took this as an invitation and bit his arm.

"What the hell Emmett? You almost ripped a chunk off of my arm!" Edward shouted.

"You told me too. And it was ALMOST!"

"Let's just go into the bathroom for a family meeting," I said breaking up the potential fight.

----

**RPOV**

It was almost time for the Valentine's Day game we always play on the internet. It's called the Love Calculator game. Emmett always asks Carlisle to type in weird names of people at Forks High to see what it comes up with. It's highly surprising and amusing though.

I turned off the shower, dried myself and then put on some clothes.

As I came out of our ensuite bathroom I heard a racket coming from the closet. Oh... crap. That's where I hid my Valentine's Day present to Emmett. He better not be snooping around in there for it.

I ran to the closet and threw the door open.

"Drop those or you will never see the sun shining again!" I yelled. Emmett dropped the two boxes and slowly turned around with an evil grin on his face. Luckily the contents of those boxes are not breakable. You learn a few things over the years from being married to Emmett.

"I didn't do it!"

"Excuses excuses. Who did then?!" I asked my husband sarcastically. Let's see who he can blame this time.

"Erh... Hitler!"

Jasper then came barging into the room.

"WHAT?! I thought I had gotten rid of Hitler! Why is he back?" Jasper yelled. Evil, evil, evil Jasper.

"It looks like he came back alive! Maybe he was a vampire. You never know," Emmett suggested to Jasper. They're actually talking about his?

"Oh I do believe that you may possibly be correct on that assumption," Jasper concluded.

Emmett dashed out of the room and then came back a moment later dressed in camouflage clothing. "Shall we go and hunt for the perpetrator?"

"We shall," Jasper said linking hands with Emmett and skipping out of the room.

"And they wonder if I'm gay," I heard Edward mutter from his bedroom.

"Family meeting in the bathroom!" Alice cried. Can we all even fit in there?

"Jolly good!" Carlisle shouted. He's only happy because it's not in the Living Room.

Walking downstairs I began to wonder what Emmett has gotten me for Valentine's Day. I hope it's a deck of cards made out of gold so we can use it for special SNAP celebrations.

I walked into the bathroom only to find Edward and Alice holding down Emmett and Jasper as they bid for freedom.

"Let us go! We need to capture and kill him," Jasper screamed.

"Yeah... kill him again!" Emmett said.

Jasper looked up in thought, "Yeah... AGAIN!"

"Settle down Jazzie. This will only take an hour maybe," Alice whispered to Jasper.

"But... but. Fine!" he huffed. Emmett followed suit.

"Okay as you may know it's Valentine's Day. If you didn't know then what planet have you been on?" Alice asked rhetorically.

"Uranus," Emmett shouted then burst out in laughter.

"Actually Mars is a pretty cool planet," Edward piped up.

"Screw you all. It's time for our annual Love Calculator test. Now remember... it's kinda only fake. So don't take your anger out at my laptop if you get a bad percentage with your significant other," Alice reminded us... mainly because of Jasper last year. **(A/N: Okay I actually did type these into a Love Calculator. The link to which one I used is on my profile in my 'Links to Bored of Eternity' section).**

----

**JPOV**

Nananananananananananananananana BATMAN! I thought to myself in my head as Alice went upstairs to retrieve her laptop. I need to hunt down Hitler... again.

Today is Valentine's Day. I hope Alice will enjoy the present I got her. Great minds think alike... wait... how does that have anything to do with her liking my present?

I am so confused.

"Do these pants make my butt look big?" Emmett asked no one in particular as we waited.

"Huge!" Bella replied.

"You monster!" Emmett screamed and huddled into a ball.

"I'm not a monster!" Bella cried and then huddled into a ball next to him. Maybe Edward shouldn't have given Bella that small packet of M&Ms.

"Oh great. Two sad cases," Rosalie huffed. Let's make it three.

"Hitler is back," I sobbed and sat on Bella's left.

Edward came and sat down next to me, "I eat trees!" He proceeded to rock back and forth.

"This family is ridiculous!" Rosalie cried and then joined the line of sobbing cases.

Alice came wandering back in, "Oh... PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER!" she shouted into our ears. Though it only hurt Bella's sensitive ears.

"Ready for our tradition?" Alice shouted.

"READY!" we replied back in unison.

"Alright. Time to log in," Alice said and typed her password onto her laptop at superhuman vampire speed!

"I know you're password now! It's SUPERSTAR," Emmett shouted. **(AN: That's my password to log into my school system. I had this convo with one of my readers. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)**

"Ah... gee way to make it known Emmett," Alice said, "Meh everyone knew but you anyway."

Emmett slapped his hand down on the basin of the sink in anger... and broke it. "Gosh darn it."

Esme twitched and silently joined the line next to Rosalie.

"Okay the Love Calculator is up and running. Which couple wants to test their percentage first?"

"Oh oh me me!" Emmett jumped up and down on the floor with his hand up.

"Righto, 'Emmett Cullen' loves 'Rosalie Hale'" Alice spoke while she typed and then pressed 'Calculate!' We hunched over to see their percentage.

"75 percent! YIPPEE! Rose we love each other," Emmett said.

"Well it was better than last year," Rose stated. Oh last year they got like 49. Rose was annoyed at that. Emmett didn't get to play SNAP for 2 months... or get anything else for that matter.

**(A/N: THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN UP LIKE 8 HOURS AGO BUT FANFIC WASN'T LETTING ME UPLOAD. IT'S NOW 11PM AND IM ABOUT TO GO TO BED AS ITS SUNDAY NIGHT. I JUST FINISHED WRITING A NARRATIVE FOR ENGLISH SO I CAN'T WRITE CHATPER 7 OF MY OTHER FIC. SORRY!)**

"It's hot in here," Bella complained because of 8 people stuffed into one bathroom.

"I know right. It's because of me," Emmett gloated.

"Nah.... it actually is fair hot," Bella shot Emmett down.

"O.o... moving on. 'Edward Cullen' loves 'Bella Swan'."

Edward peered over Alice's head. "81 percent Bella!" he shouted and jumped for joy. It was his first REAL testing. Tanya and him getting 69 percent doesn't count.

"You're a man Eddie!" Emmett shouted. Edward gave Emmett the 'look' that shut Emmett up straight away.

"Yay Edward. I'm so happy too! Can I have some happy congratulation skittles?" Bella pleaded. Haha she knows how to work her man.

"Sure thing love," Edward replied and pulled out a small bag of them from his top hat. Wait... top hat? I bet you Hitler gave it to him. Grrrrrr!

----

**EmPOV**

"WHEN YOU SEE MY FACE HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!" I shouted out song lyrics. I love the All American Rejects.

"Yeah.. Emmett I do run when i see your face," Bella said from my left. Oh no she did not.

Carlisle and Alice were laughing about Bella's call.

"Stop being mean," I pouted.

"Can't help it," Carlisle giggled. Giggled?

"Dude you giggled!" Jasper laughed.

"Don't call me dude. I need COFFEE!" Big C fled the bathroom.

"Let's see. 'Jasper Hale' loves 'Alice Cullen'. THAT'S ME!" Alice shouted as she typed her own name in.

Jasper was excited, "What did we get?"

"What didn't we get?" Alice said and looked up to Jasper with obvious love in her eyes.

"A freaking room!" Bella cried. So much love between Alice and Jasper. .It.

"We got 94 percent! WOOOOOOH! SAME AS LAST YEAR BABY!" Jasper shouted, lifted Alice off of the floor, Esme grabbed the laptop just in time, and Jasper kissed her.

"Still no empty room in sight," Bella muttered. But we all heard her. I like this chick... she has humour! I wonder how long this will take. Jasper and I need to hunt our prey.

Carlisle came back into the room and took the laptop from Esme. "Alright, now to do Esme and I.

We waited in silence.

"Damn... 17 percent," we heard Carlisle say.

"It's okay. Next year will be our year," Esme comforted Carlisle as he gulped down his coffee.

"Oh oh I know one!"I exclaimed.

"What is it this time?" Edward asked.

"Let's do Mike and Jacob!"Everyone began to laugh. My brilliant ideas and I rock this planet.

Alice took the laptop again and began typing. 'Mike Newton' loves 'Jacob Black'."She pressed enter.

We all waited in silence again.

Alice then began to crack up in hysterics.

"What? What is it?" Edward asked as he walked over to the laptop then he began rolling on the ground in laughter.

"Is that hygienic?" Bella muttered.

"Oh my, they got 98 percent," Esme said while trying her hardest to stifle her giggles. **(AN: They actually did get 98 percent).**

Emmett Cullen creates laughs again! EXCELLENT.

"Wow this Valentine's Day is exceptionally random," Rose stated. I love my Rosie.

"How about Jacob and Bella?" I suggested. Oooh take that Edward. I could see him stiffen.

"Yes lets," Carlisle said while clapping his hands like a young boy.

Alice typed it in. Edward went over to read it.

"75 percent,' he said in a monotone.

"THERE'S STILL A CHANCE FOR ME YET... MWAHAHA!" we heard a voice yell from outside in the bushes. What?

"That was Jacob," Edward said through his teeth.

"Alright. Each respecting couple should now go somewhere private to exchange gifts," Esme said.

"IT'S TIME!" Jasper shouted and he got up and ran for the front door. "Hitler will not prevail!"

"Hang on Jasper let me grab Barney!" I shouted.

"Oh no you don't Emmett. Your gun is to be kept in the safe," Rose ordered.

"NOOOO!" I shouted and ran after Jasper.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**A/N: Okay good news for you "Love in the Restaurant' readers. I will have Chapter 7 their first date chapter up by sometime this week maybe. I have four assignments due this week so please forgive me.**

**In Extension English I'm reading "**The Strange case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde**" and in Advanced English I'm reading "**Mao's Last Dancer**". Have you guys read any of the two? **

**Okay Poll Update. It's working again! So please vote if you haven't. Here are the votes:**

**Vampire Bella: 35**

**Human Bella: 7 **

**-------------------------------------------------------**

**Preview for Chapter 37**: "WHAT? What do you mean by no coffee?!"

**Review for Chapter title and EXTENDED preview**

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	37. Survival of the Fittest

**Chapter Thirty-Seven: Survival of the Fittest**

**Disclaimer: I hate calling the wrong number. It's embarrassing.**

**A/N: No excuses. ******

**I'M SO FREAKING SORRY! HAVE YOU ALL GIVEN UP ON ME? I have a list of many many excuses down on the bottom A/N if you seek further information. **

**-HIDES IN CORNER FROM READERS-**

**(Hi this is Rachael just to let you all know there will be a weasel attack on you all, so watch out for that and whatever you do don't try and feed them milk...trust me it only makes them angrier).**

**Thank to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter. (There were 34! In Order): **_SarahtheEmpath_**, **_AliceC1_**, **_creativeLexii23_**, **_klutzygirl34_**, **_twilightgal101_**, **_Jasperismylover_**, **_hyperactive-chickidee_**, **_Kari Twilight Mist_**, **_I(dot)Run(dot)With(dot)The(dot)Cullens_**, **_TeaCullen_**, **_Samm(dot)Clearwater_**, **_FabioandRichard4Ever_**, **_bbbff1996_**, **_princesss-charly_**, **_I got imprinted on_**, **_vampirekitty lives on_**, **_La tua Cantante101_**, **_Angel JJK_**, **_jazzie-luvs-me-22_**, **_Rachael Clare_**,**_ abbers102_**, **_lets(dot)love_**, **_Lyrannae_**, **_Kyleena_**, **_Fangirl-of-Werewolves_**, **_Hawktalon(dot)of(dot)Windclan_**, **_Yellow Maniac_**, **_Jasper Hale x Alice Cullen_**, **_jamstar4ever_**, **_lil alice hale_**, **_The Darksider_**, **_Harrie-x_** and **_Minato-niisan_**.**

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**EsPOV**

Another day at home doing nothing. It's been a month now since the family has done something abnormal together.

Though being vampires is quite possibly considered abnormal in the first place but meh. We really need to do something as a family. Families do activities together right?

"Yeah they usually do," Edward said from his bedroom. Is my boy reading into his mother's private thoughts? How dare him. No dinner for him tonight.

"That makes no difference!" Edward shouted, "I don't eat!"

"But Bella does," I said. That would get to him.

"WHAT?! You would deny Bella food because I read your mind?" Edward whispered as he came racing out of the room and got down on his knees and pleaded to me.

"No. I just wanted to see you on your hands and knees grovelling."

"Oh," was his only reply. Suddenly a flash went off.

I looked to see Alice with her digital camera taking pictures of Edward.

"HAPPY SNAPS!" she laughed evilly.

"Why you little pixie," Edward growled as he launched into attack mode and began to chase after her.

"Careful of the furniture!" I screamed.

Jasper came up alongside me. "Usually mothers say 'careful of the children'."

"You're all old enough to take care of yourselves," I shrugged.

"But... but... mummy!" Jasper whined.

"You're a vampire. Suck it up," I replied.

Jasper pouted, "Fine but you're off my Christmas card list!"

"You would deny your mother a Christmas card?" I tricked him into believing I was distressing.

Jasper softened, probably detecting my distress that I put on, "I'm sorry mummy," he said as he pulled me into a hug.

MWAHAHAHA! Sucker. Mothers know best how to make their children obey.

I rule the world!

"I forgive you son," I replied trying to hide my mirth.

Okay if Jasper fell for that when he can read emotions then this family must seriously be deluded into thinking that they aren't bored.

I need an idea. I need an idea. I need an idea.

I HAVE AN IDEA!

This is going to have some hilarious moments as the family are all restricted of something they do daily.

"Everyone meet in Carlisle's and I's bedroom!" I shouted.

"We always seem to be meeting in weird places except the Living Room," Alice noticed.

"YOU ALL KNOW WHY!" Carlisle said leaping into the room and did the V sign with his fingers to Alice's eyes, then his and back again to Alice's.

"Yes we all know you have a fear of the Living Room," Rosalie said. _Where's Emmett_? I thought to myself.

"In the kitchen on his laptop," Edward answered my thoughts, AGAIN! Did I not say "thought to myself"?

"What is he doing on it? EMMETT.... Come here now," I yelled.

I could hear his footsteps coming closer.

"Guys has anyone here seen Charlie the Unicorn 3? It is the bomb digity. Ring ring... hello? Ring ring... hello? Ring ring... hello? Ring ring... hello?"

"YOU HAVE A BAD CONNECITON!" Jasper yelled. **(A/N: WATCH CHARLIE THE UNICORN 3!)**

"Hey man. That is what Charlie said to the other two! You have seen it," Emmett said high fiving Jasper.

"You made me watch it twenty minutes ago," Jasper replied.

"It's awesome!" Emmett said, awe was evident in his voice.

"Children, children, hush up. I have an idea to beat boredom," I raised my voice to compete with the boys.

"Sorry," Emmett and Jasper replied in unison.

"Now I was thinking of having a game of "Survival of the Fittest"," I began.

"I am strong!" Emmett randomly burst out.

"Not in that sense and do not interrupt me Emmett Cullen. This game is where you each have to give up something you do daily for exactly 24 hours. If you cave then you are eliminated and the surviving one is the winner. Everyone follow?" I asked.

"What does the winner get?" Bella asked.

"Nothing except the sheer enjoyment and eternal bragging rights."

"But I'm not able to live for eternity yet," Bella pouted. Edward growled when she said 'yet'.

"But you will one day my dear," I said.

"Do we get to decide what we give up?" Alice asked.

"No," I immediately stated. "If I did Emmett would just give up wearing underwear."

"Too-shay," Emmett concluded.

**---**

**BPOV**

"So what are we being made to survive without for a day?" Jasper asked.

Always the formal one, except for that day where Emmett spoke formally. That was one day that we will probably never see again.

"LOVE ME LOVE ME!" Emmett shouted out and everyone stared at him. "What? It was said by the starfish in Charlie the Unicorn 3."

"Moving on or we will never start," Esme said.

"I can handle the cold hard truth doc. Give it to me straight," Emmett said while putting on a dramatic pose.

"Okay here comes the list. Alice has to give up shopping in every possible way: internet, over the phone, television etc. Rosalie has to give up her makeup, Edward has to give up his car, Bella has to give up sugar, Jasper has to give up his blanket, Emmett has to give up the laptop and Carlisle... has to give up... coffee."

We all stood there in silence.

WAIT? NO SUGAR!

Suddenly, and instantly, everyone began to shout about what they were to give up.

Not my precious candy, my precious sugar. Anything but the skittles!

"Calm down!" Esme shouted and blew a random purple whistle that she had pulled out of nowhere. WTF?

Esme continued once there was quiet in the house. "The game will start at 3pm which is in exactly two hours and will go till tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. Any questions?"

Everyone shook their head and went back to freaking out about what they had to sacrifice for twenty four hours so that they could win the game. Suddenly Carlisle blurted out.

"WHAT? What do you mean by no coffee?!" Whoa bit slow there Papa Bear.

"Carlisle you have to. It's a game called Survival of the Fittest and you have to give up something you are addicted to. And coffee is just that," Alice said gently to him.

"But... but... coffee completes me," Carlisle stuttered. Aww... he looks so lost without it. But then he suddenly cheered up.

"Oh I know... I must drink what I would be drinking tomorrow, tonight!" with that he ran into the kitchen.

He is not going to drink seventeen cups of coffee within the space of 2 hours? That's a day's worth!

"Look at me, look at me, look at me!" Esme yelled. We all turned to look at her.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME!" Esme screamed. I think she has some issues. But then again... who doesn't?

Except Santa Clause.

But then again, he thinks he can fit down all those small chimneys. He isn't no thin model.

Wait... back to the dilemma; no sugar!

"Shut up!"Esme raised her voice, "You have one hour and thirty five minutes till it starts. I would become adjusted to having to survive a day without your selected obsession if I were you."

"If you were me you'd be a guy," Emmett said. Edward scoffed.

"Are you calling me a girl?" Emmett asked Edward. No fight will break out in the house I hope.

"Yes."

"YOU'RE GAY!"

"What has that got to do with you being a girl?" Edward asked.

"Exactly!" Emmett said smugly and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Get a life!" Rosalie shouted as she walked up the stairs. No doubt to go cake face herself. She looks gorgeous without make up.

"I do have one! It's immortal," Jasper smiled.

..

**----**

**CPOV**

My life is over, I thought to myself as I plonked down onto the bed. I HATE LIFE!

Wow I sound like a teenager whose parents won't let them go out to the latest party because there would be 'illicit substances, alcohol, and desperate girls'.

But none of that is as important as being denied coffee. I love that stuff more then I love Jesus.

And trust me... that _may_ be a lot.

Hang on... I am meant to be drinking seventeen cups of coffee in the space of under an hour! I can do this! I thought as I rolled up my sleeves.

After preparing the coffee, I lined the mugs up all in a row on the bench.

"Seventeen cups of coffee on the bench, seventeen cups of coffee. You pick one up and guzzle it down. Sixteen cups of coffee on the bench!"

"Carlisle are you singing a song while downing coffee?" Esme called from the dreaded Living Room.

"So what if I am?"

"Meh... nothing. Just thought I'd tell you that you're singing it an octave to... high."

Don't I have a man voice? I AM MANLY! Coffee!

Back to the coffee. I had just finished my last cup when Esme called us into the cleaning closet.

"This reminds me of the janitors closet at school huh Rose?" Emmett winked and nudged Rosalie.

What have my innocent children been doing in there?

"Yeah all those times we played SNAP and you lost?" Rose said.

"Ah SNAP! That's okay. Thought you were doing something else in there for a second," I shuttered.

"Like what?" Alice laughed.

"Like... drugs!" All the teenagers began to burst out laughing. What? I know they wouldn't do IT in there. They do it enough at home.

"Would you all shut up!" Esme shouted and blew a black whistle that she pulled out from somewhere. "When I say the word 'now' you cannot have your allocated obsession for a period of 24 hours. NOW!"

The whole room began to dry sob. Except Bella who was actually crying and Jasper who had a squirty bottle filled with water and sprayed it on his eyes to make it look like he was crying. Just looks like sweat to me.

Edward tried to comfort Bella "It's okay. How about we go and munch on a carrot or something?"

Bella looked offended, "A CARROT!? No way... it's orange! I don't even really like the orange skittles. I eat them second to last!"

"Wait... you have an order in which you eat them?" Jasper asked.

"Sure. First I eat the yellow ones, then orange, green, purple then red. I love red... reminds me of blood. See I'd be a good vampire!" Bella shouted.

"Ah the objective is to not think about blood when you're a vampire to build up your resistance," Edward said.

Bella shook her head, "technicalities."

Hey what about their dear old father? No coffee!

"You drank seventeen cups in forty eight minutes."

"STOP HURTING MY FEELINGS EDWARD!" I sobbed.

"How about we sing a song?" Alice chirped in.

"Oh I know... the Ants go marching one by one," Esme said while everyone looked at her, "what? It is." I looked outside the window... what do you know? It is raining.

"Race you outside," I challenged the room and then fled.

**----**

**EPOV**

It's been twenty hours, five minutes, forty two seconds and sixteen milliseconds since I had _smelt_ my car, Viola. Do you know how hard that is? I feel as though I have lost my muse. I really need to go eat a pie or something.

Everyone is suffering. Carlisle has sunken low enough to drink water with brown food colouring in it, Rosalie has used chalk on herself, Alice has begun cleaning out her closet for the seven time in the last hour.

Bella is eating low fat yoghurt like it's going out of style (out of date more like it), Jasper is rocking back and forth hugging a pillow, whispering "Blankie, come back Blankie," and Emmett is acting like a horse and imitating Charlie and the Unicorn word for word as he rein acts all three of the videos.

The family was seriously screwed up. I would think that a teenager could service without the internet for a day. Maybe... I was wrong. Oh I just admitted I was wrong!

You know what this calls for?

OREOS!

I jumped out of my seat and wandered into the kitchen to see Esme baking.

"What are you after? Candy for Bella?" Esme asked me as she held up a knife. Um... this isn't at all dangerous.

Technically it's not because I'm a vampire and knives won't do much damage, if any at all.

"Um... I just want an oreo or so mummy. My life is ending and I need depression food."

"Don't be silly Eddie. Your life isn't ending you weird child."

"IT WAS METAPHORICAL!" I cried and grabbed the packet of Oreos from the cabinet above the fridge.

I walked back into the lounge room and saw Bella had moved onto munching on a carrot. She looked up as I walked in.

"You brought me Oreos? We still have just over an hour to go. Please don't put me on a treadmill and tie one to a piece of string and dangle it in front of me!" Bella screamed in horror like she was reliving a nightmare.

"No. I'm going to eat them,' I stated simply.

Bella got down on her knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY!?" she cried.

"Cause my life is over," I said.

"It's stupid. You don't even technically have to eat! I hate life!" Bella screamed.

"I'm sorry honey."

"mehehemehehe," Bella said like a young child mimicking their parent, "bite me!"

"I WISH!" Emmett shouted.

"Go dig a hole Emmett," Bella shouted back.

"OMG! I shall. China here I come."

"Not again," Jasper muttered.

-

For the last five minutes we had all been crowding around the clock in the kitchen watching the minutes slowly tick by... just waiting. "TIME'S UP!" Esme shouted.

The whole family cheered and began to separate, going their different ways to reconnect with their lost possessions.

"I CANT GET OVER. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!" Jasper sang to his blanket.

"You're singing that song by September?" Rose asked.

"Hush. Blankie needs his beauty rest."

The whole living room (yes the living room), beside Carlisle as he was sitting just outside the doorway with his miniature battery operated coffee machine, went silent.

"Hang on guys. Jasper has a blankie?" Bella asked. Everyone groaned except Alice who began launching into the story of why Jasper has it.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**Do you all hate it that I can't post regularly lately? Please be honest. Are there any readers out there still? Show your love and review. Here are my excuses.**

**1. **I had a family emergency last month

**2. **I recently got my Learners Licence and the week before that I studied the booklet like crazy.

**3. **My half-yearly exams were last week so the week before that and last week was allocated to study.

**4. **I've recently become addicted to the Twilighted Forums.

**5. **MASSIVE WRITERS BLOCK LIKE YOU WOULND'T BELIEVE!

**6. **I've actually had OVER half of this chapter written for almost two months now but could never find the motivation to finish.

**7. **Please don't hate me!

**8.** I had the common cold for two days this weekend and could not be stuffed to sit at the computer.

**Also... I've gotten a number of reviews (flames or just normal) about how I make Emmett out to be the dumb one. It's just that he is easier to use. To be honest, everyone in the Cullen family in my story is pretty stupid and random. I don't just pick on Emmett.**

**Now onto the poll votes about Bella becoming a vampire in Chapter 50.**

**Vampire: 50**

**Human: 9**

**---------------------------------------**

**Preview for Chapter 38**: "The way you _properly_ use it is like this..."

**Review for EXTENDED preview and Chapter Title**

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	38. Author's Note

Who here would like the first hit?

Look I know that I have been absent from writing Love in the Restaurant for almost 9 months and Bored of Eternity for almost 7 months. I can honestly say that I am extremely sorry. I always hate it when I read fanfics and see that they haven't been updated for a few months. Often I check the status of the fanfic and if it isn't completed I check the last updated date, and if it's been over a month I won't read it usually. I have become one of those authors. Please believe me when i say that I've had a few dozen things happen in the past 10 months that needed to be taken care of first than the stories I write about. I am trying to make a comeback in the next week and I'm going to say that I'm going to focus more on Love in the Restaurant but I will still write Bored of Eternity chapters every couple weeks... I hope.

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I have decided that I will stop writing Bored of Eternity after 50 chapters. At the moment I'm on 37 I think. So if you want Bella to become a vampire I plan to change her around chapter 45 so that we can have 5 chapters packed of silliness with Vampire Bella. The poll is still on my profile.

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Love in the Restaurant will go for approximately 30 chapters. I've had an outline written since the 5th chapter. Now this story will be simple as I don't think I can write deeply at the moment. I just want to complete these stories purely for you and to show myself that i can complete it. So LITR will mainly be fluff.

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I just want to thank you all if you're still out there and even bothered to check this update even after reading that the title was something like "Important Notice", and thanks for sticking through this and I won't hold it against you if you don't bother to read either of my stories anymore. I know that I have to go back through and skim over what I've written so far in LITR, and I plan to do that right after I post this.

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I do not plan on removing this A/N and will just post the next chapter after this. I may not post one for a week or so until I've written about 4 chapters so that I can start having a regular update schedule.

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Also with Bored of Eternity I plan on writing a couple of chapters first as well then posting them.

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Thank you, xx-twilight7-xx


	39. Let's Garden

**Chapter Thirty Eight: Lets Garden!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

**A/N: All future ANs will be featured at the bottom of the chapter instead. **

**READ THIS THO: I recently read over Bored of Eternity and cannot even imagine how the hell I thought up those ideas? They are insane and made me laugh! It was basically reading my story from the view of someone else. I hope this chapter can live up to the rest. **

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**EmPOV**

It's been months since we've done anything remotely amusing! I think that I'm beginning to go insane from not going insane! Does that even make senes?.... Why Emmett, my brother, it does.

"I'm my own brother!" I yelled out.

"No dear. Edward and Jasper are your brothers. You are your own individual, unique person," Esme yelled back from the kitchen. Is that waffles I smell? Better be with anchovies. I'm a sucker for some little furry things. They're so cute.

"Unique is right," Edward muttered from the room to my right. Ah the good old Sun Room. Where we get to sparkle like a STAR without being noticed.

"You're jealous Eddiekins."

"I'm jealous of being called special by my mother?"

"Esme didn't call me special, she called me unique Edward!"

Edward laughed, "Keep dreaming."

Oh I love dreaming. It reminds me of that time where I dreamt that I ate a big marshmallow. Then I woke up to discover that the bed had gone..... who took it?

"Maybe I will dream!"

Rose piped up from next to me, "Just please don't eat the bed again.'

What? I would never eat this bed. We shared some intense, passionate moments on this bed... playing SNAP.

"I never ate the bed!" I cried.

"You know the bed actually looks like the word bed," Jasper said coming up the stairs holding a spoon.

OMG! It does. My mind is blown.

"Emmett your mind was blown up ages ago," Esme said.

"Mummy? Are you teasing me?"

No answer. My mum doesn't love me? How did she know what I was thinking of? Oh Edward shared his mind reading ability with her. Why can't he share with me? I share my cookies... with my mouth.

"Mummy?" I repeated, facing her. Yes... I even walked down to the kitchen so I can face her and plead with my puppy dog eyes.

"OMG! He's got puppy dog eyes. Disgusting!" Alice cried.

Oh right. We hate dogs. I better put on my baby penguin eyes.

Esme still didn't answer me. Time to pull a Stewie Griffin.

"Mum... mum...mumma.... mumma.... ma... ma."

"WHAT?" Esme yelled.

"Hi," I giggled and ran back up the stairs to the bedroom. Still can't call it OUR bedroom yet. Rose won't let me.

Esme signed, "Meeting on top of the roof." We all groaned except for Big C who yippeed and grabbed his cup of coffee. We have to get him over his fear of the Living Room.

"Emmett we have to get you over a lot of things. Drugs, the Cage, the moon, Blues Clues," Rosalie said as she shook her head in disappointment.

I opened my mouth in shock. Blues Clues. That show is the boom digity! I would cry if that show got taken off of the air, or my DVDs of Blues Clues mysteriously disappeared.

Once everyone assembled on the massive couch on top of the roof (which I put there when I had my couch army... which I still do have. Don't tell anyone) Esme stood up and faced us with a serious look on her face.

"I have an idea."

Silence.

Alice broke the silence, "You know, lately you've been coming up with the ideas for us to beat boredom Esme."

Esme thought for a moment, "You're right. Gold star my sweetie."

I huffed. I'm the only gold star here.

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**JPOV**

This is the second time that I've been told to abandon my game! Last time was when I had to shove chicken down public toilets.

One day, one day, I will get my evil revenge. The first to suffer will be the grass! Don't ask why.

"If we don't get started, we'll never have enough time to finish," I whined.

"We're vampires, time is NOT of the essence," Carlisle replied.

Edward sighed, "It is for Bella."

Bella looked up at us when she heard her name being mentioned, her mouth was stuffed full of grapes. At least it's healthy?

"I've had enough of everyone's bickering," Esme began and then stopped when she saw Alice and Edward about to rip each other apart. You know... that's the only way a vampire can die. Edward better not kill my wife, I need her to breathe. Wait... I can't breathe.

Esme evil glared them, "As I was saying... it is the beginning of Spring and I would love some help with my gardening, if you would offer to help me."

The rest of us looked at each other. Who was going to offer? I would prefer to kill the evil Dracula.

We all opened our mouths but we were cut off again by Esme, "I was joking on the offering. You're all doing it suckers!"

Everyone groaned. Kill me, I thought. No Edward not literally, as I saw him wink at me.

"We shall reconvene in the front garden in five minutes."

"Do we really have to do this? I would much prefer stalking," I asked as we all trudged out the front door.

"Yeah because it's not like you can do that every other day!" Alice replied back.

"Not true! Mondays I wash my hair, Tuesdays I clean my nails, Wednesday I apply my face mask, Thursdays I stalk people, Fridays I moisturise, Saturdays I relax and Sundays I take Blankie for a walk."

Carlisle came walking out the front door. "Is this Rose we're talking about?"

Bella began to laugh. "No we're talking about Jasper!" Everyone burst out laughing for a while until a wave of silence washed over everyone.

We could hear Esme teach Edward how to use a shovel around the back of the house.

"The way you _properly_ use it is like this..."

We could hear some shovelling of dirt and then we heard Esme tut. Oh someone's in troubbbbblle.

"Boy you're getting it wrong. Here's another use for a shovel." Following Esme's words we heard a massively loud bang.

"Boy you broke my shovel!" Esme cried.

"You hit me over the head with it,' Edward replied back. I wish we witnessed this with our eyes as well as our ears.

"That's because you cannot shovel. Incompetent son. I prefer my frangipanis then you!"

Next the rest of the children heard Carlisle, "Esme it's okay. Come teach me how to gently surround your lovely flowers with soil as sustenance so they can grow big and strong."

Smooth my man.

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**APOV**

My favourite flowers are pink. Pink roses! You can get nearly everything pink these days. Even pink hair. I haven't gone down that road yet but one day I may be inspired! I'm actually really keen to have pink hair now. Damn it and this gardening, if I didn't have to do this I would totally be down at the Hair Salon right now.

"Alice how about you focus on watering the flowers instead of your hair colour," Edward spoke from my right.

"I.... I... I just cant... can't help it," I sighed. I have a shopping addiction. There, I admitted it.

"My baby's are going to die!" Esme dry sobbed.

"It's okay mummy, we're not going to die," Emmett said as he hugged her.

Esme responded, "Not you, you big oaf, my flowers!"

Great. She loves her garden more than us. At least she admitted it. There's a lot of admitting happening in the last few minutes.

"Darling, where do I put this cactus?" Carlisle asked whilst holding a pretty large cactus. Huh?

Bella sighed. Must remind her of Phoenix. "Put it over on the left hand side of the driveway. It's Bella's cactus," Esme smiled to Bella.

OMG affection. If I could cry, I would.

Rosalie huffed from over the other side of the garden.

"What's up now? Break a nail?" Edward asked.

Rose looked angry. "Why you little...!"

"Do not start bickering or I'll work you all past midnight," Esme said sternly.

"I was just going to ask where the hose was so I could water these roses," Rose said.

"I'll show you my hose," Emmett smirked.

"OH DEAR GOD!" Carlisle cried, "I need coffee before I have to listen to this."

'It's heaps hot out here Big C. Why would you want hot coffee?" Emmett asked.

"OMG! This gives me the opportunity to try Iced Coffee. Be right back!"

Carlisle drops his rake and then runs inside. Hehehehehe.... he runs funny.

"When is it breaktime?" i cried.

"When you're dead," Esme replied back sternly. I hate it when we have to learn some kind of lesson.

I really, really, really want to go and reorganise my closet again. I need to find out what pink clothes I have and if they're in season seeing as it's the beginning of Spring.

Then I have to google what clothes best match pink hair.

Then I have to make a hair appointment.

Then I have to experiment on what makeup will look best with pink hair.

Thank god Jasper still kept that pink wig of his.

"Careful, you're killing my plant. Don't put too much dirt around him or he will suffocate," Esme said.

"I'll suffocate you in a minute," I muttered.

"Are you threatening your own mother?" Esme looked shocked.

"No mummy," I replied back and she smirked. OMG, trickery!

"Can Bella at least have some lunch?" Edward asked.

"I'm not hungry," Bella said.

"Why not?"

"Cause I found this patch of strawberries."

"They're not strawberries Bella," Carlisle said as he came back outside.

"Are they poisonous?!" Edward became frantic.

"OMG CHANEG ME CHANGE ME!" Bella cried out.

"Sounds like she's saying TAKE ME TAKE ME," Emmett snickered.

"Enough. They were cherries. Back to work," Esme silenced the group.

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**CPOV**

We've been working for the last half an hour without managing to bicker. I think that's an accomplishment, I need to frame a document that says we've done this.

There's a space next to my fifth coffee maker near my laptop in my study where I can hang the document.

"In news that's shocking as the fall of the Berlin Wall, break time will be shortly," Esme said from the bush.

What is my wife doing in the bush? And why is there a fluffy orange cat with her?

"Oh look at this cute fluffy cat," Esme said as she came out holding the aforementioned cat.

"It may have rabies!" Bella screamed as she dived for cover in the bushes where the cat just came from. There may be more. They always stay in threes, those cats.

"Where'd it go?" Esme said as she noticed it wasn't in her arms again. Jasper looked sheepish.

"OMG, did you eat it?" Alice asked her husband.

"No! Why does everyone expect the worse? I gave him some milk and kibble in the kitchen," Jasper said.

Aww.... he has a heart. Let's keep the cat. No one shall eat him.

Everything went silent again as we went back to work. Esme is like a NAVY supervisor or something.

"Guys guys, come look what I found. It's a mythological creature. I'm going to keep it!" We heard Emmett yell from towards the gate.

"Emmett, you're not meant to dig down deep," Esme cried and whacked him ove the head with her hand.

Emmett looked guilty, "I didn't." Oh dear boy, it's never good to lie to Esme.

"You've dug down halfway to China!" Jasper piped up.

"But look... it was worth it!" Emmett holds up bones of a small animal.

"It's a squirrel," I said. I need coffee after dealing with this.

"But... it's an ancient, one of a kind squirrel? I'm keeping it as a pet."

Rosalie comes up to Emmett and gently tells him that it isn't living so it cannot be his pet. Ah, I love it how she tells it to him gently because it makes him seem like a five year old being told that his goldfish died.

Edward looked mischievous, "That's true but Jasper has a pet rockmunchy so why can't Emmett have the dead squirrel as a pet?"

Oh my jay, he's going ot start an argument. I must ban that boy from his car and trees now. Edward's face paled... even more whiter than usual.

OH MY GOD! ONE DAY I'M GOING TO TRY FAKE TAN!

"Oh you did not just bring in Rockmunchy?!?!" Jasper cried.

"I believe I did."

"Rockmunchy is real and alive!" Jasper stomped his left foot and then went to the corner of the house and cried loudly... metaphorically speaking of course.

"Boy you're going to get a smack when you get home," I told Edward.

"I am home."

"Don't get smart with me."

"But... I'm not?"

I've had enough. "Come here Edward," I said as I proceed to chase him around the house.

"If you step on my flowers I will pitchfork you!"

I laughed.

I briefly heard Emmett and Bella resume the discussion about the dead squirrel who Emmett is going to call Umfrey.

"Super glue will be needed to put him together," Bella said to Emmett.

"He's almost as fragile as you," Rosalie said to Bella, a tiny bit of hostility in her tone.

.Edward.

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**A/N: So there you have it. I really hope it's still humorous, because i know that my writing style has changed. Anyway... I do not know if I should write about Bella's change as Chapter 45 or just suddenly have her as Vampire Bella in Chapter 46. What are your opinions? I don't know how I could make her change funny though. I hope you review. Hope you all like the return of Rockmunchy!!!**

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**Chapter 39 Teaser: **"You have to jump OVER the pole."


	40. Cullen Olympics

**Chapter Thirty Nine: Cullen Olympics**

**Disclaimer: The day I own Twilight is the day when Emmett is a STAR**

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**RPOV**

Should I part my hair to the left, or should I part it to the right? Tough decisions, but I'm a tough vampire, so I can tough it out!

"Just freaking cut it off!" Edward yelled from downstairs.

He is my least favourite sibling! I even like Bella more than him and that is saying something, "I'll throw my hairbrush at you and cut your throat!" I retaliated back.

"That won't kill me!" Edward sang in a sing a long voice.

"Oh but it will kill Bella." That ought to scare him.

"Oh god no!" Edward cried.

"Oh god yes!" I yelled.

Emmett came running into my bedroom, "You called sweetie?"

I didn't call? God was he high on drugs again? Honestly.

"It's common knowledge that when a girl says "Oh god yes!" their male companion comes running. Perverted idiots," Alice said, coming into my bedroom.

Jasper strutted into the room, "wife, you called?"

Alice looked at Jasper then me, "Example number one."

That actually made sense, "Why thank you." I replied.

"I think you should part your hair on the right." Aww, I love my 'pretend brother when out in public'. I can always turn to him for hair and face advice. His skin is so smooth.

"Look, no one cares about your hair Rosalie. I have three things to say, one: my hair is way better, two: I agree with Jasper that parting it on the right will totally highlight your cheekbones and three: I'mmmm boreddddddd," Carlisle whined from the hallway.

"Big C, bored, that's a shocker," Emmett piped up. Oh, he better not be messing with the father of the household, and vegetarian vampire clan. Choose which one you want.

"You being smart with me boy? Don't make me get out the flame."

Emmett screamed and curled up in a ball on the bed. I just made that bed. The bastard shall die for scrunching up the sheets.

"Oh my jay, perfect idea to bite boredom on the butt!" Alice chirped in.

"Nice use of alliteration," Edward complimented Alice's choice of words.

"Carlisle threatening Emmett with fire reminded me of the Olympic Torch, which then gave me the idea. We should hold our own Cullen Olympics 2010."

The room was silent as everyone was processing how we could make this work. This could work.

"This could work," Edward said. The stupid virgin is reading my thoughts.

"Alright, we need a plan of action to get Esme away from her garden. It's been a week since she made us garden and she has not left it except to make Bella some human food, and to make me a coffee milkshake. I love my wife."

"How about we just all promise never to touch her garden again?" Bella suggested.

"Done!" we heard Esme yell from the garden, then she appeared in the bedroom too. Everyone was in my bedroom.

"Oh guys, that cat is laying across the dining table, like I mean, it's fully lying across it. It makes it look fat but it's not fat. How does it do it?" Esme rambled.

"Meh just leave it. Lets' go do some pirouettes," Emmett yelled.

"Are you thinking about gymnastics? Not ballet," I replied back. One day I will see the reason as to why I married that man, bear, vampire. Whichever suits the situation.

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**BPOV**

Edward spent the next five minutes trying to discourage me from competing in the Cullen Olympics because it was 'too' dangerous having sharp things being thrown around while I was in the state.

Stupid overprotective vampire fiancé.

I could go for some sugar right about now. I'm going to go and raid Emmett's stash. He doesn't know that I know. Whenever I raid his stash, he's out raiding Carlisle's stash, who's out raiding Edward's stash of metal, who in turn is trying to protect me. But he can't find me because he can't read my mind.

Wait, he can hear my heart beat. I hate being alive.

..Now.

"Let's go down the back and pull out all the equipment," Carlisle said.

"Wait, you keep old Olympic equipment in the shed out the back?" I asked. Do they not, not have everything they need?

"Don't be silly Bella. It's not OLD equipment, it's the NEW equipment that will be used for the 2012 Olympics," Carlisle shook his head at me.

"Carlisle, can you bite me now? Just do it Doc, I can handle it. I wanna have shiny shiny new equipment!" I begged Big C. Edward was inside at the moment.

"HAHA! This reminds me of a television ad. With just one bite, you can have it all." Emmett laughed hysterically.

"Yep, including sex with Edward," Rosalie piped in.

"Shut up Rose. You play SNAP in bed!"

"At least I play someone with my man in bed," she retorted.

"Hey! We play Pictionary!" I yelled back. Oh a yelling match with Rose on the horizon?

Rose looked interested, "Oh really? Is it good? Never tried that."

I shrugged, "It's decent. How's SNAP?"

"Oh yeah know, average as well. Another game might provide better results."

"GIRLS! Let's go throw some javelin!" Alice cheered and ran to the shed.

"I want a red one!" Rose yelled.

Ten minutes later the whole family was in a line, each holding a different coloured javelin stick. I made them stand so the colours were in a rainbow order.

Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. Blue. Pink. Purple. White. Black.

I don't care that white and black aren't part of the rainbow. Fight me.

"Right, on the count of three, we will all throw our javelins. The one that threw theirs the furthest, wins first place of the javelin component of the Olympics," Carlisle said.

"Why do you always get to be the person who says all that stuff?" I asked.

"Okay, I'm going to give five reasons. One: I'm Carlisle Cullen. Two: I'm pretending to be the father figure of this family. Three: I hate the living room. Four: I like order and Five: If you drop the subject, I have some skittles underneath my mattress."

Oh he was bribing me. I like it. Skittles ahoy.

"Alright. I bow down to you."

"Okay, now. It's best to get a short run up, only a couple of steps back from the white line.

"Everyone ready?" we murmured that we were. "Three... two... one... fire!"

I heard the swishing of Javelins and then a cry.

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**EPOV**

Dear God. When Carlisle said fire, Emmett curled up in a ball after he threw his javelin. He really doesn't like fire does he? I can use this to my advantage. Must store to it to memory, I am a vampire so it would be easy.

I am a pessimistic.

Where did that thought come from?

"Your subconscious," Esme replied to my thought. I really should not have shared my mind reading ability with my mother. That was the one mistake.

Who would want their mother to read their inner thoughts? Besides some goody two shoes who wanted to show their mother that they learnt how to differentiate logarithms.

"My mind is my secret place!" I yelled.

"Well, my secret place is a hidden cave up towards the border where I work on my evil evil plans," Jasper whispered to me.

"Right, now everyone I will go and see where everyone's javelins went," Carlisle said.

We looked towards the open field, and could only see one javelin in site.

"That's mine!" Bella yelled happily and jumped up and down.

"We obviously threw ours further out of site," Rosalie snorted.

Carlisle came back holding all of our javelins, "I found a javelin out on the main road, one by Jasper's 'hidden' cave, one narrowly missed Esme's pink roses, Bella's obviously on the field, one is still airborne, one pinned on the 'Welcome to Forks' sign, another killed a bear and the last one WAS STUCK IN MY ARM!"

Well, interesting variety.

"Who cares about your arm, who won?" Esme asked.

"Alice."

Alice yippeed and hurrayed all over the place while the rest of us sulked.

Pixie gets everything.

Loud internal sigh.

Loud external sigh.

There we go.

"Alright that's over, can we move on to the next event!" Rose huffed.

God, she is my least liked sibling. I prefer our new pet cat vomiting all over me then hearing Rosalie's annoying voice... and thoughts.

"Oh oh... high jump," I screamed like a little girl. Wow... mood swing much?

"High jump it is. Bring out the mats," Carlisle yelled. Jasper came back with the two big mats, and Emmett followed holding 3 poles.

Those two are like his personal bitches or something.

"Right, I will put the bar low first and the bar gets higher as you achieve each leap. If you fail at it, then you're out. The one that can leap over the bar the highest and land on the mats is the winner.

"Can I go first? Me.... pick me!" Emmett screamed like a little girl. We're all girls on the inside.

"What the hell?... Why not?" Carlisle shrugged his shoulders.

Emmett ran for the mat and then proceeded to run straight into the bar.

"I won, I won the race."

"Do you have a brain at all?" Bella asked Emmett. Rose shook her head to answer Bella's question.

"You have to jump OVER the pole." Carlisle yelled, "God, I just said that less than a minute ago. I need a triple shot caramel latte or something to soothe my nerves."

"You all can keep going. Esme, wife, dearest love, you are in charge of the rug rats," Carlisle said as he ducked inside to get coffee.

He abandoned everything for coffee.

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**EsPOV**

I love my family, I love my family, I love my family. This was my new mantra to keep me from going insane.

Though I love every single one of them individually. Carlisle is a big old coffee-addicted softie at heart, Bella is a sweet, human. Her blood probably also tastes like sugar.

"Esme, Alice is about to announce which one of us won the gold medal for high jumping. You're saying your thoughts out loud," Jasper whined.

God he's such a girl.

"Don't worry Esme, sometimes I wonder if Bella tastes like sugar too," Edward comforted me.

"You know, Edward. You can find out right now," Bella tried to be seductive.

"Bella, I've lasted almost two years. Don't ruin my resistance!" Edward complained.

"WHY WON'T YOU BITE ME?!?!?" Bella cried.

"I've had enough of Cullen Olympics. Can we please clean up and go inside? I am hungry," Emmett complained. He can't eat!

"You can't eat," Rose pointed out.

"Fine! I'm tired!"

"You can't sleep either."

"OMG next you're going to tell me that I can't live!"

"Actually... you can't," Jasper said.

"My life is over. I cannot go on. I need to go to MY quiet place. I'm going to go and find that bear that I speared with my javelin. I will never see you all again!" Emmett cried and ran off.

He runs like a girl.

"Let's just announce the winner of high jump," Carlisle said coming out of the back door.

"And the winner is... Bella," Alice announced.

"I wonder if it will rain tomorrow. I want to go to the carnival," Bella wondered out loud.

"Bella... you won," Jasper said.

"If it does rain, I guess we can have a carnival inside. You all probably have some rides in that shed of yours."

"BELLA!"

She snapped out of her daze, "What?!" she yelled.

"You won high jump."

"One of the benefits of sugar is that it makes you hyper and then you have lots of sugar rush, and then you eat more, and your sugar level never goes down, your energy never goes down, your high never goes down. OMG nothing goes down!" Bella talked really fast. She is high!

Giggle. Bella said something suss.

That's what she said," I stated. My children all looked at me and then I was assaulted by an onslaught of comments.

"Oh god mum!"

"That's a teenager joke."

"I'm mentally scarred for life!"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I wish I was a woman sometimes."

Silence followed the last statement.

Who was that?

**----**

**A/N: I aim to finish writing Bored of Eternity by the end of this month and aim to post a chapter once a week. That's if no unexpected events hinder my writing. This chapter is dedicated to **_WittyRaven_** as it was her idea. I hope she still reads it now (:**

**I was a little disappointed with the amount of reviews I received for the last chapter; only 7. I do hope it does pick up. Updates will be faster if it does.**

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**Chapter 40 Teaser:** "Emmett, please tell me you did not go on a kidnapping spree."

**Extended Preview will be sent out with Review Replies**


	41. Day Care Dilemma

**Chapter Forty: DayCare Dilemma**

**Disclaimer: I prefer making the Cullen's and Bella do OOC things then write the Twilight Saga.**

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**EmPOV**

I've always wondered why the toilet flushes in different directions in different countries, and finally I have uncovered the answer. They're toiletest! Like... racist but in toilet form. Who are they to decide which way the water wants to flush?

I must get revenge. Actually, I'll get Jasper to seek revenge. He's evil.

"That I am, brother. That I am," Jasper yelled from the attic.

"How can you tell I was thinking about you? OMG why has Edward been sharing his mind reading ability with you as well but not me?!" I whined.

"Um... dude. Chill. I can always tell when someone is thinking about me. Like the time when I told you that Tyler was fantasising about running his hands through my blonde, blonde, wild and sexy hair!

"That's very handy," I said nodding my head. Wait, he can't see me... or can he?

"I can."

'Jasper I need to stop thinking about you!" I cried.

"How about we decide what to do today? Eat some cheese? Dance around in viking costumes... dance around in Alice's clothes?"

I stopped, "OMG dancing around in Alice's clothes!" I yelled.

"You are sooo gay," Rosalie said from the kitchen.

"You can't have children!" I retorted.

"You jerk! No bedroom for you," Rosalie dry sobbed. Dang it, only just got back in a couple months ago.

"Shoot, I just remembered that Alice put a dozen padlocks on her closet after she discovered that I like playing dress ups," Jasper whispered. Dude, I love dress ups. I always end up being dressed up as a cheerleader. I like pom poms.

"I have an idea of what to do!" Rosalie yelled

"What is it?' Bella asked, coming into the room, sucking on a massive lollipop. Where can I get me one of them?

"Well, seeing as I can't have kids," Rose glared at me, "let's run our own day care for the day? We have childrens toys out in the shed."

Bella scoffed, "The magical shed," she murmured sarcastically.

"Sure! We can all take a couple of kids each and then look after them for the day!" Jasper cheered.

"Jasper, sweetie. You sure you won't eat the kids?" Alice asked while rubbing her husband's shoulder. I want to rub my shoulder.

So I did.

"I am offended. It's only the postman I have trouble with resisting now! I can even be in the same room as Bella for up to eighteen hours. Just... when that postman comes close to the gate, I.. I ... can't resist."

"I'm going to go and put up flyers around town and an advertisement on the Forks website for all the residents to see. You know, seeing as theres nothing to do in this town ever, people look up that website a hell of a lot," Alice said really fast.

The next moment she was there, the next she was gone, and the following moment after that she was back

"Now that was fast," Esme noticed.

"Speed demon," Rosalie said.

"OMG DEMON? WHERE?!" I cried and curled up in the corner.

"Emmett, demons don't exist, it's stupid to think they do," Bella said.

"Well, vampires exist," Edward said.

"Touche," Bella replied and smiled at her fiancé. Love is in the air!... and it's Jasper's fault.

"Look guys, I have to go and say hello to my new friend out back," Jasper piped in.

"And who would that be? You don't have any friends," Rosalie said. Oh, the wife is bitchy today.

"It would be my purple fire hydrant, Pedro."

Bella looked up with her big, brown eyes, "OMG I want pizza now! Thanks Jasper!"

"Guys, we have company at the front door. There are five children and their parents already here for our daycare service," Alice said.

All seeing Alice... alliteration!

Rosalie flew down the stairs to greet the children. Maybe I can kidnap one later on this afternoon.

----

**CPOV**

Pulling into the driveway I had the sudden feeling that something weird was happening inside the house.

I always get that feeling though, we're vampires!

I walked through the front door with my hands full... of coffee. Iced in my right, hot in my left. This is how much I love life. Not to mention the brand new deluxe espresso machine that I had stored in my boot of my car.

That's when I noticed about five children running down our hallway. Now how did they get there?

"Emmett, please tell me you did not go on a kidnapping spree," I yelled.

"It wasn't me I swear! They grew on the trees out the back," Emmett yelled right into my right eye. Lucky I'm a vampire, or that would have hurt. Wait, I have sensitive hearing, that did hurt.

"Children do not grow on trees... or coffee unfortunately. Only apples do. Stupid apples," I muttered.

Emmett wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "I love you Big C."

"We're not keeping them. We have a cat."

"But daddddyyyyy," Emmett whined.

"Why are they even here?" I asked Esme as she wandered into the kitchen with a baby boy on her hip.

"Oh, we got bored and decided to run a day care centre for the day. You'll be surprised how many actually looked at the flyer we put up on the Forks resident website early this morning. By ten in the morning we had over ten people call up."

"And who's idea was this?" I asked. I bet it was Emmett's wasn't it?

"Rosalie's" Esme told me. Oh... should have known. Do I have to watch out for her kidnapping kids too? Those two are a match. Where's my kitty? I've grown attached to him lately. I love petting him as he sits on the kitchen table while I make my morning coffee.

Alice walked into the hallway holding a toddler and holding the hand of what looks to be a three year old boy. "Carlisle, join in on the fun! We're doing finger painting on some of Bella's old white, boring clothes!"

She then proceeded to hand me the toddler. Thank god I put my coffee down beforehand. I looked over to where I put my iced coffee and noticed a child drinking it.

"Nooooooooooo!" I cried, causing the toddler in my arms to cry.

I hate life.

I started to bounce the baby boy in my arms until he stopped crying and cuddled into my chest. Aww.... maybe I will let Emmett kidnap a child.

"You know, instead of kidnapping someone else's child, why not just adopt a child that needs a home?" Edward asked.

Stupid son.

"It's not as fun," I replied. OMG I'm turning out to be a potential kidnapper. I like it!

I walked into the living room to hear Jasper and Rosalie fighting over who should feed the youngest child here, which was about six months old. Aww... cute.

"I should feed her. All women have maternal instincts!" Rosalie told Jasper.

"Well then, what are you? A man?' Jasper retorted.

Ooh, that has got to cut, being told you are a man, when you're actually a woman.

Not that I would know that or anything.

I think it's time to change this toddler in my arm, he is starting to smell. I'm surprised no one has eaten a kid yet. Seeing as we are vampires around fresh, young children full of blood.

----

**JacobPOV (Surprise)**

As I walked up the Cullen driveway, I detested myself. Why was I doing this? Oh yeah... I was desperate for a baby sitter. But come on... they might eat my poor little Shelby.

He's only a few months old. I have no one else to turn to because the rest of the wolf gang have all gone out to Steak Night at the local cafe, and.... I wasn't invited because I had to do my history project.

Stupid school.

I have the urge to go into school as a wolf one day, and get the health department to close it down because giant wolves 'habitat' there.

Nnnyeaarrrhhhsss, I thought evilly.

No one would go to the school on the Reservation if they thought it was inhabitited by man-eating wolves. I love my mind.

I sighed and went up to the front door and rang the doorbell. Maybe I should just kill myself now?

The father figure one opened the door, "Yes?" he asked.

"Ahh.... I know we're all into that whole werewolf-vampire rivalry but... can I saw one of your flyers at the supermarket and I need you to look after my Shelby while I go and do my history assignment."

"Well... come on in," The docto.... oh his name is Carlisle, said.

I walked inside and could immediately smell vampire... and baby powder. Nice.

The interior of the house was actually pretty nice. I could picture myself rubbing my body all over the carpet. It just looks so... so fluffy. Any dog would be in heaven on that soft, divine carpet. It even has the word PET in it.

I love life.

The blonde one came in, looking lovingly at a baby girl with blonde pigtails, that was cradled in her cold, vampire arms.

I think she wants to eat the kid.

"What do you want?" she spat at me.

"Well hi to you too. Look I don't want to be here, though i wouldn't mind rubbing myself on that carpet." Oh... that sounded kind of suss.

"Well then why are you here?"

"Cause I needed you to look after Shelby. Please?" I pleaded.

"Figures you dog would have a kid."

Bella walked into the living room, "Jake, you have a kid? You're younger then me."

Sigh.

"No, I have Shelby. My little shi tzu. He needs to be looked after until the afternoon. Please?" I pleaded again.

"Shelby's a dog?" Rosalie asked. I nodded and held out Shelby. He can fit in my hands.

"Well... this is meant to be a day care centre," the mother figure said walking in.

"Didn't specify to mean just kids," I stated.

"Oh oh true. I like you, let's go smash some boulders," the buff one said.

"Alright, fine," Rosalie conceited, "But only because Shelby is cute and the little kids would love playing with him. Now please get out, you smell like wet dog."

"It was raining!" I yelled.

"Sure big boy. Whatever you say," Edward said. Ah, the blood sucker who stole Bella.

Actually, this family seems alright, except for Edward... and their smell.

I kissed my baby on the head and I waved my thanks to the family, except Edward, as I walked out the front door. Now to go and research World War One. Joy.

I would rather face the Volturi.

----

**APOV**

At this present moment we had seven vampires, one teenage human, fifteen human children from the ages of six months to eleven years old, a cat and a puppy.

And we still had room for more!

This was a great idea. I've completely cleaned out Bella's closet from all the plain, old clothes, and used them as protection clothing as they painted pictures on the wall.

Esme and I have always wanted a room, painted by children. It adds variety, and I love me some variety.

After I cleaned up after the children's painting experience, I decided to set up the jumping castle for the older kids, that could actually walk.

It was in the shape of a space ship, and I dug it out of our shed. It was underneath the massive blow up swimming pool in the blow up section.

There was also Emmett's old blow up doll. Rosalie made him throw it out after she discovered it.

He threw it out alright, into the shed. I think she would have preferred the bin, but I ain't breaking the news to her that Betty is alive and thriving still.

As the older kids were playing on the space ship jumping castle... with Emmett, I was helping Esme make a cake to celebrate the end of the day care day.

We had all had fun today... even Carlisle.

Speaking of which, he just walked into the kitchen with the kid that drank his coffee earlier on.

"Hey wifey, me and Billy here were wondering if we could request a coffee cake?"

Esme looked at her husband in the eyes, "Sweetie, it's not good to feed human six year olds coffee."

Carlisle look offended, "But Jasper gets a fire hydrant!" he whined.

"And that would compare to a kid getting coffee how?" Esme asked.

"It's purple!"

"Carlisle no. You can have a small coffee cake, but no coffee cake for the kid."

"Fine," Carlisle huffed. He turned to Billy and whispered, "I'll save you some."

Esme sighed and shook her head. I could tell what she was thinking. "Men are idiots."

Exactly what I thought she was thinking.

At exactly six pm, every single parent... and Jacob, came to pick up their children... and puppy.

I'm going to miss that little Shelby. He licked my hand when Emmett shoved my hand in peanut butter. Stupid brother. I'm older than him.... in vampire years.

After all the children had left, much to Rosalie's dismay, she cried for half an hour, we surveyed the mess.

Carlisle and Billy had spilt coffee beans everywhere and had rolled in them, Emmett had made chocolate pizza's with his group, Bella had an Easter egg hunt... it wasn't even Easter, Rosalie had set up one of the spare bedrooms as a nursery as she was in charge of all the babies and some of the toddlers.

Esme had a massive pile of washing up to do, Edward had made balloon animals for the kids and Jasper had made his fire hydrant spurt out water and the kids had played in it outside the front.

"Let's do this tomorrow!" I jumped up and down.

**----**

**A/N: Only five more chapters until Bella is changed and only ten more chapters left until the story is finished. Thank you for reading, tell me your thoughts. I hope you all enjoyed the new Jacob POV. That was for **_Fangirl-of-Werewolves_** for wanting more Jacob and **_Klutzygirl34_** who wanted Jasper to have a fire hydrant. This time we reached 11 reviews. Thank you so much and only 52 reviews until I reach 1000. That's my goal by the end of this story. **

**--------------**

**Chapter Forty One Teaser:** "Is that a chicken? A cow? OMG it's a duck!"

**Extended Preview will be sent out with review replies.**


	42. Cullens on a Farm

**Chapter Forty One: Cullens on a Farm**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer ):**

**EPOV**

Sunday morning. How fantastic. Sunday mornings are great for sleeping in but Sunday afternoons are always accompanied with the dreaded feeling of another week of school. Oh wait, I retract my statement. Sunday mornings are the same because we can't sleep. I'm contemplating walking into my top secret underground laboratory and not emerging until I find a drug that works on allowing vampires to experience 'sleep'.

As I let my thoughts wander to the potential side effects of mixing a non-metal element with a metal element, Jasper trotted into my room.

"Dude, do you happen to have a spare llama lying around?"

"Yeah, sure, let me go grab it from my underwear drawer. Man, what made you think I happen to have a LLAMA?"

Bella walked by my bedroom door mumbling to herself, "Mm Edward's underwear drawer." I ignored that comment.

Jasper stood awkwardly near my bed, rubbing his left hand on the back of his neck," Because you're Edward. You're unpredictable and may house a llama somewhere?"

I suppressed the urge to laugh. "Why do you want a llama?"

Jasper had a poker face on, "for scientific means."

I looked at him.

"Educational purposes? ... helping out with children with special needs? I'm a zoo keeper? Underground llama breeding facilities? ALRIGHT! Please stop looking at me. I want a llama so I can hug one. It's on my bucket list which needs to be completed before I die. Number one hundred and twenty nine: hug a llama."

"You can't die."

"Way to be an insensitive jerk! I meant, before I turn five hundred and become a grouchy old vampire man with a walking stick yelling at young, vibrant fresh blooded children to stay off of my lawn," Jasper venom salivated when he mentioned blood.

"Well, sorry to disappoint. I don't have a llama. Ask Esme."

Bella walked by my bedroom door again, "Why not consult the magical shed?" she mumbled sarcastically.

Jasper shook his head, "Nah. I checked. At one point there was one in there. But something must have happened to it because I haven't seen it since the eighties.

Why was Bella pacing outside of my door anyway? I must seek the answer to this question because I cannot read her impenetrable mind. "Why are you pacing outside of my doorway Bella?"

She shrugged, "Ah you know, just being Bella. I'm burning off all of the skittles I ate today. You have the weirdest family. In the last ten minutes I've seen Esme re-enact a James Bond scene, Emmett walk down the stairs with a washing basket on his head, and Alice walk stealthily into her and Jasper's bedroom wearing a short Post woman's attire, like one of those ones you wear to a teenage Halloween party, like in Mean Girls!"

Jasper stiffened, "I gotta go," he rambled and flew outa the room.

Argh, dude. Mental image. EF EM EL!

Bella bit her lip and looked up at me through her long eyelashes, "did my company upset Jasper?"

I smirked, "no sweetie. He just much prefers Alice's company at the present moment." I shuddered.

She walked closer to me and I drew out my arms

Just as we were beginning to get comfortable, Esme slid through my door, dressed completely in black with her hands in a gun formation.

"I have come with a mission for the Cullen family, should you all choose to accept it. Blond teenage Cullen wishes for a llama. It is your mission to kidnap one from the local public farm and bring it back to headquarters IE: this house. Any questions?"

"No," the entire household chimed in unison.

Esme nodded, even though only Bella and I could see her, "Alright. We will dispatch and meet in the garage at the black mini bus in fifteen minutes."

"Wait, I don't want a llama," Rosalie yelled out.

We heard Esme sigh. "Jasper is blonde teenage Cullen. Rose you are blonde barbie Cullen."

With that Esme slinked out of the bedroom, making no sound at all.

Bella looked up at me. "So much for Biology homework right?" she laughed.

**EsPOV**

We were entering the farm yard carefully through the front gate. Bella was afraid that a giant flamingo would come out and eat her. I wish I knew how she imagined weird scenarios. Right! Emmett and Bella sat next to each other on the way over. That explains a lot.

Walking towards the feeding shed, a farm animal came strutting past us. Carlisle jumped in front of the animal and yelled, "Is that a chicken? A cow? OMG it's a duck!"

"Poor Big C. He needs to have picture cards like the ones you have in kindergarten where it shows you a picture of the animal and its name," Emmett said.

"You should join him. You asked me if it was a dinosaur a few seconds ago," Edward said.

"I did not!" Emmett replied back while darting his eyes to the side, attempting to look suspicious.

"I wonder if they drink coffee," Carlisle muttered. I'm kind of guessing that Carlisle has only ever spent time with animals when he's hunting them.

Time to get this mission underway, "Alright Cullen family. You know the mission. We must appear normal. If we are asked if we would like to taste test or sample something such as goat's cheese or cow's milk, we must not decline. Normal people don't decline!" I drilled them.

After that had sunk in, I continued, "When I say... or think so. Edward and Jasper will create a distraction from the workers as the rest of us work together to steal a llama. Any questions?

They were silent.

"Excellent," I murmured evilly.

We all walked up together towards the front building. As we approached the door, a middle aged man dressed in faded blue overalls and a red flannel shirt popped his head out.

"Good morning all! Ready to experience the wonders of farm life?" he exclaimed enthusiastically.

I'm ready to steal a llama.

"Yes," I said sweetly, answering for the entire Cullen clan. No one can resist my sweet, gentle woman voice. I should totally be the next woman co-star for the next James Bond movie.

Yes! Goal in life. Ooops rambling.

"Right this way. First off we shall visit the goat enclo-" the farmer was interrupted by Jasper.

"- got any llamas here?" Jasper blurted.

The farmer laughed to himself, "Why yes, young chap. Got a whole lot of them located in the north east pen paddock."

Jasper smiled to himself inwardly. Why does my son have 'hug a llama' on his bucket list? Why does he even have a bucket list?

We followed the man as he headed towards the goats. On our journey we saw the chickens, horses... and elephants.

When asked about the elephants, the man just shrugged his shoulders and quickly diverted the conversation to how he first began his farm back in 1980.

Meh, who cares. I was helping aid the reduction of rabbits in that year. Vampires are handy when it comes to an extreme abundance in animals, especially rabbits!

**JPOV**

I'm gonna get me some llama! I'm gonna get me some llama! I'm gonna get me some ll-"

"Dude I can read your mind. Shut up or you not gonna get you some llama" Edward imitated my sing song voice and words.

I have that copyrighted, bitch.

"Alright, while the others are busy pretending to be fascinated with feeding carrots to the horses, which are conveniently located right next to the llamas, we will gather up all the farm hands and ask them about the richness of the soil they use for growing potatoes in. Got it?" Edward asked me.

Emmett yelled at us in fast vampire speak, "dude, I'm not pretending. I am fascinated! Look at the teeth on these horses. Reoowwwwww."

Oh wow. Note to self: Buy Emmett a horse for his next something birthday. I forget his age.

OMG IM A HORRIBLE BROTHER!

Edward and I quickly whipped out our camouflage coloured clothing and whipped them on with all our speed and strength so that no one shall see our underwear! Well... not so much strength cause like hell would I want to rip my llama boxers. I only wear them on special occasions. Like today!

We were under the guise of checking out the soil. One of the workers who looked around twenty something was educating us on the type of manure and fertilisers they use to give their soil the extra 'richness'... and 'smelliness'.

Wait, why do we care? Hang on. This is excellent! We can only taste dirt! And now we can try some soil, which will taste like dirt, so in the end we're not missing out on anything.

If we eat skittles, instead of tasting like fantastic sugar, it tastes like dirt.

If we eat dirt, it tastes like dirt.

OMG WE'RE NORMAL THEN.

See my logic?

I could see Edward was trying to get into character. He should be an actor.

"So, I'm thinking of planting a garden at home. What type of soil should I use?" he asked.

"Well young man. It depends on what type of plant or flower you wish to grow."

"Ahhhhh what about outdoor plants. Hmm... flowers and vegetables?"

"Alright, if you want flowers and vegetables, sandy soil is best. A lot of fertiliser and water is needed to attempt to get the flowers to grow well. The key to successful organic gardening in sand is all about building up humus in the soil as well as facilitating nutrient cycling. This is basically recycling nutrients in the same spot rather than bringing them in from another source. Another tip is to gropu plants together based on their common soil fertility and water needs. Do you get it so far?"

Edward nodded but I raised my hand like the school student I am.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Just one question. Can we sample the soil?"

"Sure, would you like a small bag to take home with you to try on your plants?"

Awkward.

"No, I meant. Can we see what it tastes like? I bet it tastes exactly like dirt!" I exclaimed.

The poor guy looked freaked out. What? Esme told us to be polite and ask for samples so we can appear normal!

**RPOV**

Edward and Jasper were in charge of distracting the farm hands as we kidnapped one of the llamas.

As if this plan would work, I thought to myself sarcastically.

As the lady was educating us on the proper method of cleaning the horses hooves, like hell would I clean them shoes when I get Emmett to clean mine, we saw most of the farm helpers begin to surround Jasper and Edward.

Huh, looks like they may have succeeded in finally doing what Esme asks of them.

The lady then looked at us and politely excused herself as she went to see what the commotion was.

Esme turned to us.

"Right my fellow spy trainees. Carlisle will take the llama and run out with it into the forest in the opposite direction while the rest of us go up and see what Edward and Jasper are doing. If anyone asks where your father went, tell them he was called in to an emergency surgery. Any questions?"

"Why can't I take the llama?" Emmett whined.

"Boy, you'll eat it."

"No I won't!"

"Don't argue with me." I said in my motherly 'do as a I say' tone.

My husband is so stupid. But I love him.

"Alright go Carlisle."

We all watched as Big C leaped onto one of the black llamas and quickly disappeared into the bushes. Once he had completely disappeared out of view he was meant to carry the llama in his arms and run at vampire speed back to the house, which was forty minute car trip away, but only a five minute run.

We all slowly made our way over to the circle of employees. After bursting through the crowd I finally made it up the front and could see what Edward and Jasper were doing.

Oh my god.

They were on their hands and knees munching on the dirt in the same way that a goat munches on grass.

That is the oddest thing I have ever seen. We must never return to this farm again for at least fifty years.

They stood up and dusted themselves off and then we headed to the car as quickly as humanly possible, only to appear normal.

"Where's Emmett?" Edward asked.

Alice groaned, "Oh no! He's gone and taken a grey llama. He believes he won't eat it and that it can be a mate for the black one so they can have baby llamas."

"I get to hug two!"Jasper cried with glee in the back seat.

Once we were all seated back inside the 'Living' room, with Jasper and Bella outside, each sitting on a llama, we talked about how the plan had indeed, gone according to plan.

Cries of glee and happiness were being emitted from Jasper as he petted, hugged and fed Bella and the two llamas apples.

At least Bella was eating healthy.

Suddenly a thought came to me.

"If Jasper had 'hug a llama' on his bucket list, why didn't we just go to the farm where he could hug a llama there, instead of kidnapping two llamas for him to bring home and hug?"

The room was silent as they all processed my thought.

Edward was the one to break the silence, "meh who cares. I got to eat dirt."

**A/N: So... hey? Um... no excuses again. Been a long seven months. How is everyone? I've been hectically busy with school. I finish up for good in less than two months. It's been over two years since I first posted this fanfic. I'm terribly sorry to everyone. I promise that I shall finish this very soon. Only four more chapters until Bella is changed. Any ideas on how I should do that? And then five chapters left after that until I am completely finished. **

**By the way, did anyone get my mention to one of my very first chapters about how Jasper always kills the postman? That's why Alice is dressed as one, for seduction!**

**Everyone who reviews gets an extended preview. Here's a one liner:**

**Chapter Forty Two: **"You monster! You eat kangaroo! I hate this country!".


	43. Ahoy there Australia

**Chapter Forty Two: Ahoy there Australia!**

**Disclaimer: I wonder how much it costs to legally change my name to Stephenie.**

**APOV**

I have no idea what date it was, or the time, or the century, or the day. Actually, I lie. I totally know what century it is and the day. Judging by the type of fashion, with twelve year old girls in barely there skirts and tight see-through singlets, it is the twenty first century and judging by the fact that the shopping mall is now closed at 5pm in the afternoon, I can tell that it is a Sunday.

They only close early on Sundays.

Loud sigh.

Now to beat boredom.

I walked into the bedroom and saw Jasper battling it out on Mario Kart on the Nintendo DS. I sighed loudly.

I walked into Rose's and Emmett's room and saw Emmett braiding a barbie's hair. OMG it's Rosalita. He must be in the dog house again to resort to playing with that piece of plastic.

It's actually contains less plastic than Lauren Mallory. I sighed loudly

I walked out into the Library and saw Rose reading a book entitled, "Vampires for Dummies." They actually make them? Note to self: Buy one. I sighed loudly.

I walked into some random spare room that I never noticed before and saw Esme breaking out a dance on some dance floor with strove lights and a disco ball. Awesome. I sighed loudly.

I walked into the kitchen and saw Bella munching on a packet of Oreos. I sighed loudly.

I walked on top of the roof and saw Edward practicing Javelin. Yes, we have a Javelin practicing set on the roof. I sighed loudly.

I walked into the living room and noticed Carlisle pretending to have one of this middle-aged men naps. He fails. I sighed loudly.

Carlisle opened one eye and looked at me. Finally! Someone acknowledges me!

"What do you want pixie? I'm having my nap."

"Dearest father. You cannot sleep."

Carlisle evil glared me. "Don't mess with me child or I'll send you to your room."

I smirked, "Well father. Would you still send me to my room if you knew that Jasper was currently lying on my bed."

Carlisle looked shock, "Daughter, are you telling me that you plan on having sex with your dearest brother?"

"Yes father."

After I said that we both burst out in laughter. I just loved playing the Father/Daughter conversation with Big C.

"So, Alice. I know you have an idea in that little tiny vampire head of yours. Now tell me it before I go for my hourly cup of coffee and biscuit."

My father knew me too well.

"Well, we always do random things around the damn country! I wanna go to a different country to create havoc."

"OMG CANADA!" Carlisle screamed.

"That's like... practically still America. I wanna go overseas!" I whined.

I was that bored.

"Fine. What do you have in mind?" he asked. Dearest Daddy Carlisle was a push over.

"Australia!" I jumped for joy.

Carlisle sat up and yelled out to the house, "ALRIGHT GUYS WE'RE GOING TO AUSTRALIA!"

I love how he doesn't let anyone else have a say.

**EmPOV**

Finally we were off of that teeny tiny plane after a longgggg fourteen hours. How ever did I live through it? Oh, right, had no choice.

Once Carlisle had yelled out to us that we were going to Kangaroo country, we had twenty minutes to pack. Which was more than enough for me. Too bad we weren't allowed to bring the llamas.

After grabbing our bags, and some random luggage I found because it had a flower on the bag, we made our way.

Hmm, I wonder if Australia is funny. Because it's certainly shaped funny on a map.

Rose and Alice were freaking out because we weren't even staying in Sydney, but instead Canberra. Which was some like... around three and a half hours human driving from the Sydney airport. I don't mind, I'm keen to see me some kangaroos. Too bad I can't create an army of them and bring them back to America. Loud sigh of frustration.

Edward must have read my awesome inner monologue because he said, "Dude, they eat kangaroo."

I was so appalled that I screamed in some man's face outside of the airport, "You monster! You eat kangaroo! I hate this country!". After which, I stormed off and pouted against some pole.

"Man, I wouldn't say that you hate the country at the biggest airport of the country. They have some decent security here," Jasper said as he came up to me.

Oops. My bad.

"Alright family. I called forward and managed to hire a car and it's waiting for us somewhere out in the massive parking lot." Carlisle explained.

After twenty effing minutes we managed to find this really nice sleek eight seat van. I'm not usually a van fan... OMG THAT RHYMED... but this van was niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I would totally put that van on a pedestal and wax it everyyy day.

Don't judge me! My inner monologue screamed.

After we loaded our entire luggage into the back we all hopped into the van. It was so roomy that I could sleep in it. It might actually come in handy for when Rose and I have our little disagreements.

Dude, inner monologue, never ever call yourself little. You are not little.

I'm talking to myself. Excellent.

We all piled in. It was then that Carlisle realised that the driver's seat was on the right hand side instead. Which meant we had to drive on the left hand side.

Oooooooh! I like me a challenge.

We all watched on as Carlisle attempted to shift the gear stick into reverse using his left hand.

"This is difficult," he grunted.

We all then proceeded to watch Carlisle shoot out of the parking space in reverse and bang into the front of the car behind us.

"Well... crap. Let's just slip them two grand into their car from the gap in their window," Carlisle said sheepishly.

He can so not pay me out anymore for side swiping cars.

He just made a dent in the front of a car... IN AUSTRALIA!.

**CPOV**

Every single road in Canberra leads us to the damn Parliament House.

Alright, that's probably a hyperbole but meh.

"Oooh I wonder if the new female prime minister is just chilling in the Parliament House," Jasper exclaimed.

"Dearest eye candy Husband. Why don't we use a GPS to get to our motel?" Esme asked me sweetly.

I am a man. I know how to drive a car.

"Dude! Big C! There's McDonald's here! Pull over. I'm hungry."

Why is my eldest boy hungry? He's a freaking vampire.

"I'm hungry too," Bella piped in.

"Hey Carlisle, can I have a turn driving?" Edward asked.

Oh no my dear boy is not touching this van. At least I didn't leave a scratch on the rental.

"You need an international driver's licence boy," I replied.

"Well then I'll get one."

"You must be 21."

"I'm 107."

"Not according to your student idea my son."

Edward pouted. Hehehehe only Carlisle gets to drive... and Esme.

I love referring to myself in third person.

I decided to park about a block away from McDonald's despite the moaning and groaning from the children.

Sometimes I think they are four years old.

Not that that would bother Rosalie because she loves kids. Emmett would have a ball being tiny but buff.

Oh god I don't even wanna think about my adopted vampire children as actual children, children.

I wonder what it would be like to add a little vodka into my coffees.

Note to self: Try that.

As we were nearing the dear old fast food restaurant we overheard two fourteen year old girls as they passed us.

"Oh my gosh. I cannot believe that the Maccas ice cream machine was broken again. I really wanted an Oreo McFlurry. It was broken Friday arvo too," one of the girls said to the other.

"What's Maccas?" Rose asked me.

I shrugged.

Esme cleared her voice, "Well judging by the McDonald's take away bags they were holding and the mention of Oreo McFlurrys, I'm pretty sure 'Maccas' is some Australian abbreviation for McDonald's."

"What about 'arvo'?" Jasper asked.

Oooh I knew this one, "It means afternoon. They just love shortening their words, as Esme said."'

Finally we saw the Golden Arches.

"Totally getting a Happy Meal!" Emmett shouted.

Why does he insist on wasting money on that when he could just eat free dirt?

So here I sit as I watch all six of my children play on the equipment. Thank God it was quite in here. I was trying out some double shot caramel cappuccino or something along those lines.

I have learnt that McDonald's coffees are not that high of quality so caramel or honey is a necessity to add sweetness.

Not that I could taste it.

"I love Australian accents!" Alice exclaimed as we listened in on a group of people talking at their table.

"I would bottle their accent and totally try and make a scent out of it somehow," Alice continued.

"Alright children. Let's pack it up and head off to our motel," I shouted.

**BPOV**

I have a whole bag full of souvenirs! This is so fantastic! Spoons, cups, hats, stuffed toy kangaroos... which Emmett wants to steal to join his stuffed toy platypus.

I love Australia. But where Ayers Rock? And kangaroos and crocodiles in the wild? Aw, I wanna experience the Australian Outback. It's too bad that we could only spend the damn weekend here. School begins on Friday.

Senior year for Alice, Edward and I while lucky Emmett, Rose and Jasper were hanging around Forks for a year waiting for us.

Waiting for me to turn into a vampire so we can leave.

OOOH SO KEEN! I would totally give up Skittles to become a vampire. Which I won't need to. I'd rather still eat them and let them taste like dirt then never eat them again.

We were now back at Sydney airport on a Wednesday night after spending the entire Monday around Canberra experiencing Australian shopping malls for Alice, visiting Telstra Tower, the National Museum of Australia, more shopping for Alice and this science museum called Questacon.

Yesterday we headed back to Sydney and climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Yes, we totally climbed that thing!

When we went to the Sydney Aquarium, you should have seen Emmett and Jasper go nuts over the Marine life. Emmett was hilarious when he growled at a miniature shark.

And Edward when we went to a Zoo. He got to feed a kangaroo out of his cold, sexy hand.

Some Australian skank of a girl who worked at the zoo was totally perving on him as his amazing arm was stretched through the fence.

Australia was a pretty decent country. Too bad they don't actually use kangaroos for transport.

That would have been epic.

Suddenly Edward broke my silence, "Hey guys, remember when we went to the airport in Seattle and created havoc?" he asked his siblings.

I wasn't there. So while they discussed all their big adventures I pouted.

"OMG I MUST SEE WHAT KIND OF SPOONS THEY HAVE IN THEIR GIFT SHOP!" Alice shried and then proceeded to human run.

"Australian coffee tastes amazing!" Carlisle cried out as he sipped on his third cup this hour.

"Doesn't it just taste like dirt?" I asked.

"LET ME BE IMAGINATIVE!" Carlisle cried out, this time in agony instead of amazement.

Emmett came up to Carlisle and began whining.

"Can we go home? I miss Jack and Jill."

"Who are Jack and Jill?" I asked.

"Bella! How could you ask that? I thought you knew me better. It's mine and Jasper's llamas! You let me down!" Emmett looked shocked.

"Alright family. We are now allowed to board the plane," Esme announced.

Alice skipped up with two overflowing bags of spoons. Dear God. I'm gonna have fun eating chocolate spread with them.

Alice glared at me as though she heard my thoughts.

Oh no. Can she hear my thoughts?

"Where's Emmett and Rosalie? Jasper asked.

"Probably christening one of the bathrooms," Carlisle said.

The dear old father of the family just said that so casually? Excellent.

Emmett came wandering up holding a bag, "Dude's. I totally bought an Australian barbie."

Rose sighed, "I let him because I got to buy an Australian ken."

They really were a match made by venom.

HAHAH GET IT?

I have brilliant humour.

**A/N: Haha, as most of you know, I live in Australia and thought it would be fun to write a chapter about all the stereotypes. The idea randomly came to me when I was writing the previous chapter. A regular update! Fantastic! Thank you to those who reviewed last chapter. It really makes me feel happy that I still have some of my old reviewers with me (: I hope to reach one thousand reviews before the end of the story, which is eight more chapters after this one. Wow, it's getting closer. Thank you for reading. Tell me your favourite line or part in this chapter.**

**Everyone who reviews gets an extended preview. Here's a one liner:**

**Chapter Forty Three: **"I never thought that you would go that low."


	44. Back To School

**Chapter Forty Three: Back to School**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. There, I put it bluntly.**

**EsPOV**

My babies were growing up! Well... metaphorically speaking. They were growing up in age I guess? I mean Edward was turning 109 this year! Jasper, Rose and Emmett were now 'deferring' university for a year and were hanging around Forks so that all of the siblings, and Bella, can go to university together.

Such sweet children, always doing things together, I thought to myself.

Actually can I actually 'think to myself' because when I do I'm always thinking to Edward in a sense?

"Gosh Esme, please stop thinking. I'm trying to recite the principles of differentiating and integrating logarithms and exponentials," Edward whined.

Ah, I remember when I did school.

Way back when, when the girls took cooking and sewing classes and not all this mumbo jumbo about differentiating some weird mathematic things that involve the letter 'x'.

"Oh hush dear boy. You've done that topic like what, fifteen times?" I asked.

"Pfft more like eighteen," Emmett exclaimed.

"And you still don't remember," Edward yelled.

"Oh mummy! Edward's insulting my intelligence," Emmett whined to me. Boys will be boys.

Edward muttered, "What intelligence?"

I scowled Edward and glared at him.

Edward looked guilty, "Sorry mummy."

Bella came skipping into the kitchen and began raiding through the pantry, which was stocked completely with human food. All for my Bella, I thought.

"Mine," Edward growled.

"Esme! I'm hungry!" Bella pouted.

Rosalie cat-walked into the kitchen, "When are you not hungry?"

"Whenever you're not a bitch," Bella retorted.

"You're fat," Rose replied.

"You're ugly."

"You're a skank."

"You're a dog."

Emmett guffawed, "Damn Bella. That is the most ultimate insult!" Emmett high-fived Bella gently.

Suddenly I remembered what I had purchased from the grocery store yesterday, "Bella! I have a treat for you. You know how much you love Skittles..." I began.

Bella jumped up and down and nodded, "Yes!" she cried with glee.

"Well... I was wandering down the confectionary aisle and saw, "I reached into the pantry and took out her treat, "SKITTLES LITTLES!"

Edward groaned as, he too, came wandering into the kitchen, "Great mum. Feed Bella sugar just before school resumes."

"Don't give me that tone of voice young man or no Viola for a week."

Edward looked horrified. "Don't take away Viola the Volvo! I beg you!" he pleaded.

I laughed. I knew exactly how to blackmail all four of the men in my life.

Out of the corner of my eye I glanced the clock on the left wall of the kitchen. "Oh my goodness. Is that the time? Children, you must hurry to get to school or you'll be late, even with your speeding Edward."

"Alright, we're leaving mum," Edward said as he leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I handed Bella a SpongeBob Squarepants lunchbox for her lunch today. "Sorry sweetie for not making breakfast. Skittles shall suffice."

Bella looked as though all her dreams had come true, besides turning into a vampire, "Skittles for breakfast. I love you Esme!" she squealed as she jumped up and hugged me.

She walked out the door muttering to herself, "Skittles Littles, Skittles Littles, Skittles Littles."

"Have fun at boring old school," Emmett yelled out to Alice, Edward and Bella.

If he thinks that he's getting off then he's got another thing coming. I'm making him clean the bathroom today.

**APOV**

We had just received our new timetables in homeroom this morning. I was excited because I shared English with Bella, and Study Hall, Gym and Lunch with both Edward and Bella. I only had Art, Trigonometry and Spanish by myself.

I wouldn't mind as much but Mrs. Cope must hate me when she worked out the timetables because Bimbo One and Bimbo Two were in my Spanish class.

Suddenly I had the most epic premonition. Today was going to get interesting, I thought to myself. Gym third period shall be a laugh.

The morning passed by uneventfully.

If you can count uneventful being the Art teacher finding Tyler and Lauren in the art supplies closet, someone spilling oil paint all over the floor and someone asking Ms. Goss what Pythagoras Theorem was in Trig. Honestly, isn't that something you learn in middle school?

Finally third period came rolling around. Time had been going so slow that morning. I was on to my tenth piece of chalk. Don't judge me. Chalk doesn't taste any different then chocolate does to me.

I just pretend that the chalk is some kind of expensive candy imported from another country when someone asked me in Trig.

Like they'd know better.

I sat up straight as we saw Coach Clapp enter the gym. The entire class, boys and girls, were sitting on the indoor bleaches after we had gotten changed.

He stood in front of us and slowly skimmed from left to right.

"Alright troops. For today's gym lesson we're going to do something I would call fun."

"Running laps?" some random boy yelled down from the top bleacher.

"Liam, start running ten laps around the outside oval now," Clapp ordered. The boy groaned and jogged out of the gym into the pouring rain towards the oval.

"Now. We're going to be doing limbo! Both the boys and the girls will combine and play together. In order to bend that way the lowest you must be flexible."

Half of the guys sniggered and half of the girls giggled. I never will understand the minds of seventeen year old humans that seem to have dirty minds.

Only Edward can cause he has to listen to them all the time. I giggled as Edward read my thought and glared at me through his golden eyes.

That's right. We totally hunted last night.

Alice 2; bear 0.

Fifteen minutes into the contest that Coach Clapp had started, it was down to Edward, Mike, Tyler, Ben and two other boys who I've never bothered to learn the names of. It was now Edward's turn.

I never thought that you would go that low," I laughed as I watched Edward in gym.

Bella giggled at what I said. Ah, great minds think alike.

"It's the limbo!" Edward exclaimed.

"Just admit that you are flexible dear brother of mine," I shouted at him. Jessica, Lauren and some random tagalong chick, Bianca, ogled Edward as if he were meat.

He's meat alright. Deer, bear, fox, rabbit, and other wild animals.

"Meat and venom make up Edward," I whispered to Bella.

She giggled, "Yay! Edward's meat!" she exclaimed. Oh my jay. What was she thinking in that human mind of hers?

**MikePOV (Surprise!)**

Dude, first day of Senior Year has been annoying. As soon as I saw Cullen's Volvo rock up, I remembered that Emmett no longer went to Forks High.

Sigh.

I still remember the night that he rung me up and told me that he loved me. That was easily one of the top five best nights of my life.

I've just never had the courage to confront him again; not with his 'girlfriend' nearly always around him.

Rosalie and I are totally the same, almost. We both have blonde hair, are insanely gorgeous and always attract the attention of the opposite sex.

Why didn't Emmett choose me? I whined in my head.

I heard Edward Cullen laugh to himself next to me. Oh my, can he hear my thoughts? Am I saying them out loud thinking I'm saying them in my mind?

"What? Jealous because I won the limbo are ya Cullen?" I asked.

"Not at all Newton. I let you win. I didn't want to be branded with the title of 'Best at Limbo' for the entire year."

Damn. Who cares? I am Flex-i-ble with a capital F.

Honestly, I just don't know how I'm going to pass my time this year without constantly wondering what Emmett was doing in that mansion of his, or what he was wearing? Or how many reps he was doing each day.

Sigh.

I was abruptly brought out of my daydreams of Emmett frolicking in the water at the beach by Tyler's annoying elbow digging into my right side.

I looked up and saw Mr. Knight looking at me, "I am waiting Mr. Newton."

"Erh, could you please repeat the question?" I asked.

Mr. Knight straightened his back and sighed, "What was the title of John Donne's tenth Holy Sonnet?"

Oh crap.

"Um... The Apparition?"

Mr. Knight groaned. "Anyone care to enlighten Mr. Newton?"

I saw Edward raise his hand. Mr. Knight chose Edward. Go figure.

"Death be not proud," Edward stated calmly and simply.

He'd totally be nothing without his looks," I thought to myself.

After another twenty longggg minutes, the bell signalling the end of the day rang.

Wow, that was the last first day of high school ever," I thought to myself. Edward laughed again under his breath.

What was his issue today?

I raced out to the car park and was the first one to back out of the parking bay when I suddenly heard a small, distinct 'clang'.

Oh crap. I had left a little scratch of about 2cm on the left side of his Volvo towards the end of his car.

Hopefully he doesn't know it's me. It's not like he doesn't have enough money to get it fixed anyway.

Without any further delay, I peeled out of the school car park.

It wasn't me!

**EPOV**

Oh my god! I thought I was going to go insane having to listen to Mike Newton's thoughts all throughout gym third period. I wanted to scratch my mind reading ability with a sharp compass.

I couldn't believe that he sat there and bragged about winning Limbo. Well i certainly showed him because I answered Mr. Knight's question correctly in English. My timetable wasn't entirely bad for the year.

I had Chemistry, Calculus, Gym, Lunch, Study Hall, Biology and English.

Honestly, this day could not go any slower.

I WANT MY BELLA BACK! I WANT MY BELLA BACK! I whined to myself. And when I say 'to myself' I mean it because no one else has the awesome ability to read minds like myself.

Okay, awesome is a word that I wouldn't use to describe it sometimes.

I thought the girls would have matured and tamed their thoughts what with their being seniors now, but no! I walked into Gym and was instantly hit with a stream of thoughts.

"_Man, look at his shorts! Reow!"_

"_I would totally do the limbo with him."_

"_Let's get physical, physical. I wanna get physical."_

But I must say, I do love Angela's thoughts. She had such a nice, complex mind, "I wonder how many times it would take before I could lick my elbow? Maybe I could make Ben test it on himself first."

I chuckled to myself.

Only another two hundred and something days left before Alice, Bella and I will graduate from high school... again.

Well first time for Bella, about the fifteenth time for Alice and I.

Mr. Knight droned on and on about the metaphysical poet, John Donne. Does he even realise that I personally knew one of this great, great, great grandsons back in the 1930s?

I think not!

God, I'm beginning to sound stuck up.

Finally the end bell sounded. I decided to walk over so that I can accompany Bella and Alice to my beloved Viola.

Upon arriving at the car, I noticed something on the left hand side.

A SCRATCH!

Who did that?

I swear, if I was a train I would totally have steam coming out of my ears, eyes, mouth and arms!

"I totally saw this coming" Alice chimed up from my left.

I glared at her.

"What? You so did not ask me why I was giggling today in Study hall so nanananana."

I continued to glare at her.

"Stop looking at me like that," she whined.

I didn't stop.

She gave me the puppy dog eyes.

I still didn't stop.

We continued our puppy dog and glare stare down until Bella offered us each a lolly pop.

"Piece?" she asked.

She was just too damn cute.

"I'm gonna go tell Daddy that Mike Newton hurt my car," I whined as we sped off towards the house.

He'll comfort me and offer to buy me new seat warmers.

He knows how much I love my Viola.

Almost as much as I love Bella.

Ooh better not let her know that.

**A/N: I'm so happy that I'm actually getting ahead of myself and writing chapters in advance. Although there is one thing I should be doing right now that is extremely important but I cannot bring myself to do it so instead I'm writing fanfic. Only one more chapter left of Human Bella. I hope you're all excited! I still need to figure out how she will get changed. I'm open for ideas still. Also, has anyone heard of a TV series made in 1999 called 'The Tribe'? I've become addicted to it. It's being shown over here in Australia.**

**This is to Erin: Hey! I want to reply to your review but it's been a while so I forget your penname. So sorry. **

**Everyone who reviews gets an extended preview. Here's a one liner:**

**Chapter Forty Four: **"Guys, I thought I heard a microwave blow up."


	45. Carlisle Got a Tan

**Chapter Forty Four: Carlisle Got A Tan**

**Disclaimer: I live in Australia. The author of Twilight lives in America. Therefore I cannot own Twilight.**

**APOV**

Ah, the first four weeks of Senior year have already flown by. Bella' eighteenth birthday was two weeks ago and that went smoothly, well as smoothly as one event can when all the Cullens are involved.

There were no paper cuts, no blood spilt, no vampires pouncing on Bella, no furniture smashing... besides Emmett and Esme's new antique coffee table.

She was not happy.

She literally went red and totally proved the theory wrong that vampires don't change colour.

I suddenly got a vision of Carlisle heading into the tanning salon.

Well, vampires can change colour if they do it artificially.

Hmm, I wonder if his visit will turn out to be a laugh. I haven't seen the outcome because Carlisle is being stupid and taking his time deciding on what colour.

PINK, CHOOSE PINK!

Suddenly I had a brilliant idea. Let's all have a pink day!

"Jasper get up here!" I yelled out to my husband.

Jasper groaned. "But I'm winning at bowling at the moment!"

"We have a bowling alley?" I asked surprised.

"Pfft I wish. Edward dragged out the dear old Nintendo Wii! Kevin's back. I missed him. He had a layer of dust on him."

"You can stay down there on one condition," I told Jasper.

"And that would be?"

"That when I come down there in about half an hour I wish for the Wii and its remotes to be somehow made pink instead of white and that the living room be decorated with pink, meaning pink cushions, throw rugs, marshmallows, pink cellophane covering the windows, pink skittles, pink balloons and streamers and pink cups filled with creaming soda."

"Why all the pink?"

"DON'T QUESTION ME! I LOVE PINK!" I screamed.

I could hear Jasper's dead vampire heart begin to race. He was scared.

"Okay. Anything for Amazing Alice," he stated simply.

I love my Jazzimatron.

I walked into the closest closet on my left.

My pink closet.

Loud sigh.

Yes I organise my clothes by closets by putting them into colour coordinated closets.

Got a problem?

Hmm, now to chose out an outfit for myself. A pink pair of skinny jeans, with a flowing pale pink shirt with a dark pink belt just below my bust. Pink high hells, pink eye shadow, pink lipstick, and pink bobby pins to match.

I may or may not have also dyed the tips of my hair with washout hair dye.

I will admit to nothing though.

Bet you can tell that I love pink.

After I had picked out clothes for the rest of the family, but Carlisle, I locked up my closet.

Um... yes... I lock my closets. Emmett cannot be trusted.

Time to see if Jasper obeyed my loving orders.

**JPOV**

If you're wondering, I totally obeyed Alice's loving orders.

You'd have to be crazy and a dead man if you don't

Oh wait, but I am a dead man... kinda.

Alice entered the living room. But I literally couldn't tell it was Alice kind of. There was this pink blob. Like hectic pink blob. But ... a slender pink blob?

Sssh she may hear my thoughts.

I like airplane jelly. Airplane jelly for me," I sung in my head.

All better.

"Argh, Jasper. I can hear your thoughts," Edward spoke.

OHHH NOOOOO!

They're going to catch me.

I think pink gets to my head and plays tricks on my brain

I really need to give myself calming waves, because I have no idea what's wrong with me today.

At that particular point Emmett galloped into the living room, "Dude, why is the Wii and the entire room Barbie coloured?"

Alice shrieked, "It Is Not Barbie Coloured!"

"Pig coloured? Slight sunburn coloured? A cross between red and white coloured?" Emmett guessed.

"PINK!" Alice screamed.

Emmett looked confused. "What? The singer?"

The entire room sighed.

"No Emmett. Pink the colour!" Edward exclaimed.

Emmett had a look of realisation on his face, "Ooh!"

Alice jumped up and vampire ran to Emmett. "Just for that, you will be dressed up as Little Pink Bow Peep."

Emmett smiled widely and did a jump for joy. Well, that was hardly a punishment was it?

Half an hour later Emmett was dressed up completely, Rosalie was actually a Barbie (much to Emmett's delight), Edward was a pig with Bella his piglet, Esme was a pink fairy and I was a pink circle.

You could totally tell that Alice had run out of ideas when she had reached me.

Alice jumped up and headed towards the surround sound system control panel. "Yippee. Let's put on some songs that are from CDs that the covers of were a pink colour."

Man, I am getting mixed emotions here. Bella is high from pink skittles and marshmallows, Emmett was lustful towards a Barbie Rosalie, Edward was annoyed that he was dressed as a pig. Well it doesn't help his case that he keeps snorting his snout out loud in annoyance.

He glared at me. Oops he read my mind.

Esme was having a ball twirling around with Alice as she waved her pink wand, and Alice was just generally bubbly and happy.

Suddenly we heard the introduction to a song that we all know. Emmett picked it up.

"OMG IT'S PINK THE SINGER!"

We all watched as Emmett began breaking out into dance to the song.

He then began to sing. Oh joy. "This used to be fun house. But now it's full of evil clowns."

**CPOV**

You know what! I'm sick of being pale... like a deathly pale white colour. Like a ghost.

Because I refuse to be called a ghost. I AM A VAMPIRE! Oops accidently yelled that out loud.

Get it right bitches.

I've been researching something for a medical paper about how the continual use of tanning beds could be a contributing factor towards skin cancer.

It has given me an idea though.

In order to defeat the pale colour, I shall get a tan!

From a Tanning Salon!

Excellent, I did the Mr. Burns hand gesture from that Simpsons show that's been going on for like.. two decades.

When is that baby gonna turn twenty? I swear, I've seen its first birthday like seven times already.

Alright, moving on.

I decided to leave the hospital earlier than what I usually would. I don't have any surgeries or appointments schedules today. I was only going to work on the paper.

But, in a way I am? I'm observing the tanning environment?

Yes, I like that excuse.

But first, I must get me my two hourly coffee. Yes, I've given up on the hourly ones and cut back to only every two hours.

Proud of me?

I walked out of my office and went by the front reception desk. "Clarissa, I'm leaving for the afternoon. I shall be unreachable," I told my secretary.

She smiled at me sweetly, "Sure thing Dr. Cullen. Have a great afternoon."

"I smiled. "You too." I liked Clarissa. She wasn't after me like half of the population of the women in the hospital. Man I've got some stories I would share about notes and other unmentionables that have been left in the 'IN' box on my office desk.

I made my way to my black Mercedes that held it's on car parking spot in the hospital.

I am totally that important.

After spending half an hour weaving through noon traffic, I had finally found myself at the little Tanning Salon in Forks.

It needed one because the weather was so cloudly and rainy. But I liked it like that.

I parked the car, fluffed up my hair and walked up to the front desk.

As soon as my shadow covered the girl's face as she was leaning over the computer, she looked up. As soon as she saw me completely she flew back up and stood up straight with some little smirk.

You can't have me.

"May i be of any assistance?" she implied suggestively.

"Ahhh yes. I was wondering if I could book an appointment to become tanned?" Was that the correct terminology?

"There's actually an open space right now." How convenient. "Would you like the tanning spray shower or the tanning bed?"

"Ah the tanning shower?" I said, more of a question though.

"Alright. Would you like a golden colour, crisp autumn colour, an orange glow, or a tomato red?"

"Slight golden colour?"

She bit her lip suggestive, "Well right this way. Once in the room you can remove your clothes and stand in the shower. I will turn them on in approximately five minutes."

"Okay," I mumbled as I followed her to the shower room.

"Don't worry sir. There are no cameras in the shower," she giggled as she walked of the room.

Awkward.

After having that really awkward shower where the tanning spray shoots out from all sides of the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror.

Oh no!

**BPOV**

The entire family, but Carlisle were just chilling in the living room around the fire place roasting marshmallows. Since when was there a fireplace in this room?

"I was wondering the same thing, my dear child," Esme spoke up from my left.

How did she hear what I was going to say?

"I can't, but your face expression totally gives away what you are thinking."

Well damn.

Suddenly Jasper sat up straight, "Guys, I thought I heard a microwave blow up."

Everyone looked at him as if he were on drugs... again.

"Dude, just go and hug the llama," Edward said stiffly.

Jasper hung his head, "I can't. The female one won't let me hug the male one because she gets insanelllyyyyyyyy jealous, and the male one won't let me hug the female one because he is meant to be the alpha male. It's all really confusing really. I've been researching lla-"

I interrupted him, "Alice can we go bake a princess cake?"

Alice jumped up in excitement and grabbed my hand as she human ran into the kitchen. What a brilliant verb, 'human ran'. I'm excellent at English!

"Oh my gosh! This is one of the last times where I can actually eat human food and it tastes like everything but dirt. Oh... that's kinda depressing. Let's make a chocolate cheesecake with chocolate biscuit crumbs as the base, the middle with Toblerone and melted white, dark and milk chocolate, and a topping of whipped cream with Oreo crumbs," I mumbled as I salivated.

Probably should get me a napkin.

"Man I wish I was human right now," Alice said quietly.

"As if. Then you wouldn't be able to shop for 72 hours straight without having to stop for at least a short sleep, and multiple meals."

Alice giggled, "true that!"

By the time we had finished preparing the cheesecake, I swear we had added in about three kilos of chocolate. Mmmmm three kilos of chocolate.

"Bella you're dribbling again," Alice sighed.

"Sorry."

Alice began to laugh.

"Whuft?" I asked as my face was shoved full with Mini M&Ms.

"Nothing. Just a vision of Carlisle coming home. Which should be in about an hour."

"Cun waif," I said before I swallowed my chewed up and masticated chocolate.

Ooh now that makes chocolate sound appealing.

After Alice Emmett and I had devoured the cake, and gained about a kilo... in my case, we began to head back into the hallway towards the living room when we heard footsteps heading up the front steps. The door slowly creaked open and we saw an orange hand slowly creep into view.

Oh my gosh, it's a human carrot?

Suddenly a body appeared that seemed to own the hand.

It was Carlisle.

Emmett began to guffaw, "CARLISLE GOT A TAN!"

**A/N: Next chapter is it guys! Excited? I've got most of the chapter written but not Bella's change so again, I'm still open for last minute suggestions. I only got less than five reviews for the last chapter. If you want quicker updates then review? The more reviews, the quicker I post Bella' change, otherwise it will be roughly 5-6 days.**

**Everyone who reviews gets an extended preview. Here's a one liner:**

**Chapter Forty Four: **"Dude, are you salivating venom?"

**Follow the Yellow Brick Road to review.**

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**Yellow**

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	46. To Change, or Not to Change

**Chapter Forty Five: To Change or Not to Change**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. There, I put it bluntly.**

**~O~**

**EPOV**

So apparently today is the day that Bella becomes a cold, heartless monster doomed to walk the earth for eternity. Never eating, breathing, sleeping and living... like that of a human.

All I need now was for some deep, dark, ominous music in the background to match my deep, dark ominous thoughts.

Ooh this totally reminds me of a William Shakespeare character, Hamlet.

You know what. I'm totally going to rip off his 'To Be or Not To Be' soliloquy. But, to make it clear, I do not own the play or the soliloquy. No copyright intended.

I sound like those people who write stories about characters from a movie or book and post them.

Don't worry. I write fanfiction too. I have some a-maze-inggggg Gossip Girl fanfics if I do say so myself.

That's what you get for not sleeping.

And soon, Bella will be able to join me in writing them.

Oh, but wait, that's a bad thought. I don't want her to join me!

Well, here goes nothing:

To change, or not to change - that is the question:

Whether it is nobler in the mind to for her suffer

The bite and venom of monstrous misfortune

Or to take arms against a sea of vampires

And by opposing end their claim. To die, to change -

No more-and by a change to say we end

The heart, and the thousand natural human reactions

That flesh is heir to. It is a decision

Devoutly to be wished by her. To die, to change -

To change -perchance to be immortal: ay, there's the problem,

For in that transaction of change what pain may come

When we have shuffled off the mortal life,

Must give us pause. There's the respect

That makes the trouble of so long a life.

For who would bear the ageing and humanity of time,

Jaspers wrong, the proud Rosalie's rude expression

The pangs of Esme's love, my delay,

The offensive disrespect of Jacob Black, and the rejection that

That Bella takes,

When I myself might her change make

With my venom? Who would bear the burdens,

To hunt and sparkle under a soulless life,

But that the dread of something altering the change,

The undiscovered immortal life, from which no one

Can die, puzzles me so.

And makes me rather bear a human Bella,

Than to change her, despite her given consent

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native colour of a solution

Is covered with the pale cast of thought,

And the result of great change and death

With this regard my thoughts take a turn

And lose the name of action. - Quiet now,

The fair Isabella! – Beautiful young woman, in my thoughts

Be all my sins remembered.

**(A/N: So sorry if some of that did not make sense. I tried to simplify it and of course, changed it to suit Edward. I also hoped you kinda found Edward's monologue amusing).**

"I'd hate to be extremely melodramatic Edward. Would you like me to bring you some man sized tissues, a four litre tub of creamy ice cream, a pile of sappy girly movies and a large fluffy blanket?"

"Dude I am so up for a sappy girly movie day!" Emmett.

"Today is Bella's day," I snapped.

"Oh my gosh yes. I have her a dress just for it!"

"You have a dress just for her to be changed in? A 'Change Dress'?" Jasper asked his wife.

Alice smirked. "Well duh. I have a 'Last hour as human' dress, a 'change' dress, a 'first hour as vampire' dress, and 'first evening as a vampire' lingerie."

Bella walked in sucking a lollipop. Don't think bad thoughts. Don't think bad thoughts. She opened her mouth, "Keen as a bean served in French cuisine."

Where does she come up with her thoughts?

Alice dragged Bella from my room because she needed to pick out what perfume Bella should wear for when I bit her neck. Do I care what her neck smells like?

Well, yes. I do actually.

It better be some nice smell, or I will postpone biting her until she smells good. If the perfume smelt bad... then no! That is totally a turn off for me.

"Shut up!"Jasper yelled at me as he walked into my room. "I can feel everything! You're making me wanna smell Bella."

His voice was so loud that Alice and Bella heard.

"Do it Jasper! Smell me!" Bella yelled.

Alice was next. "Geez Jasper. I let you smell me almost every night. You should be satisfied."

Jasper yelled back to his wife. "I am sweetie but you hardly wear perfume."

Alice yelled back. "Fine I will!"

I interrupted. "Guys, can you take your yelling 'smell me' argument somewhere else?"

Jasper winked at me. "Alright. We'll take it to the bedroom."

I groaned.

Three hours later Bella was prepared for her change and up to Alice's 'change' standards. Why did she have standards for that?

We lined up downstairs and single filed out of the front door to get ready.

Errh... not keen.

**BPOV**

I saw Edward and Jasper sniff the air. Oh my, do I smell? Crap, I forgot to shower this morning. Oh no! I'm repulsive!

Repulsive vampire? MUST SHOWER!

Jasper looked at me, obviously sensing my fear and disgust. "Well Bella. I agree with your disgust but not your fear."

"What?" I asked. DAMN! He agrees that I smell disgusting!

"The werewolves? They're disgusting but there's no need to fear them," he smirked.

"Ooh, right."

Thank god I do not smell! Do I?

"Oh for the love of all things high-heeled. You do not smell... other than your blood!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"How did you know what I was thinking?"

"I didn't. But everyone here has just observed you take of your cardigan and sniff it, then sniffed under your arms, then your hair, and then your shoes. It's obvious you were sniffing yourself."

I shrugged. "Well, right. Thanks," I smiled.

I turned around and saw the werewolves, in their human form, emerge from the bush.

They trust the Cullens today?

Sam walked up to us. "So, Bella becoming one of you today?" He was leaning back and forward on his feet.

Alice scoffed. "What's it to you? Come here to stop us?"

Sam actually shook his head. "Nah man. We wanna see it. We totally bought popcorn!" He held up a family sized bucket of popcorn.

Man I crave KFC right now, looking at that bucket reminds me of it.

Loud sigh.

Alice helped me put on my left shoe again after I took it off to smell it. How I got off the shoe without falling, I'll never know.

While I looked towards the ground I heard Jasper's voice.

"Dude, are you salivating venom?" Jasper asked one of the werewolves, Seth.

Seth spat out venom. "It's not mine!"

Jasper raised his eyebrow." Sure!" he said sarcastically. "You're totally a hybrid vampire and werewolf."

"No I'm serious! Emmett just kissed me!"

We all stopped and looked at Seth then Emmett.

Emmett tried to explain himself. "What? It was on my bucket list. Kiss a werewolf."

Carlisle coughed to cover up his laughter. "Righto Bella, it's time for you to step up on the platform."

Yes I totally organised to have a platform where I will stand up on and everyone below will watch; like a stage! I'm the star of it.

I chose to be the star because in a few short days I will sparkle just like one.

"I'm a star!" I shouted.

Emmett pouted. "No fair! I am the start!"

Esme looked at her oaf of an adopted son. "Sweetie. That was a year ago in your duel. You lost remember?"

"Why did you have to bring it up mummy? Why must you rub salt in my wounds?"

Jacob piped in. "I'm no vampire expert or anything but a) you don't have any wounds and b) as if salt would hurt the nonexistent wounds."

Emmett just growled at him. "Shut up or I'll kiss you too, with tongue. That's totally on my list too"

Jacob cringed and fell back behind Seth, who visibly paled.

Carlisle coughed again. "Sorry guys. My coffee went down the wrong way." He waved his travel coffee mug up. At least he wasn't interrupting.

I liked seeing Jacob pale. He could almost pass for a vampire with a fake tan.

HA! Like Carlisle, who was now the colour of a pale carrot. Well that doesn't make sense. What about a carrot that has aged a bit? Or a piece of orange plastic that has been exposed to sun... you know how it fades over time?

I'll shut up now.

Here I was; standing on the stage. I looked down and saw the wolves, in their human form still, eating popcorn at the back. Esme and Alice were hugging each other dry sobbing tears of happiness. Rosalie was huffing and crossing her arms over her chest every two seconds. Jasper was with the llamas he brought over from their paddock to distract himself from my exposed blood when Edward pierces my skin.

Emmett was filming the whole thing. I asked him to, much to Edward's dismay.

Edward was next to me, tapping his foot with a force that would soon make a whole in MY stage. Carlisle was besides Edward in case Edward got carried away.

He better not, I said silently as I mentally shook my fist.

"Right. Everyone ready?" Carlisle called it. It reminded me of the one cross country I had participated in at school in Phoenix.

I came last because I didn't even finish the damn race! Well back to my change. Yes, it reminded me because before everyone starts running, the person who blows the whistle or shoots the starting gun says 'everyone ready?'

Moving on from my internal monologue.

I jumped up as I remembered something. "Wait! I want to have a piece of cake before I change! I want to taste chocolate one last time!"

Wow that thought is so depressing.

How would you feel if you knew that this was the last time you could taste the delicious, delectable chocolate taste?

Alice handed me a piece of marble chocolate cake. "I foresaw this." She smiled.

I love her better than Edward.

I choked down my cake and then sat back down, smiling at Alice again.

Oh crap. I need to have skittles again for the last time.

"Sit down Bella," Carlisle said in a tone that said 'do as I say or you won't get changed.'

I grumbled to myself and shifted in my seat.

Edward began speaking Chinese to himself as he prepared to sink his wonderful, pearly white teeth into my neck.

Ooh he should totally be in a toothpaste commercial.

"Already have been Love," Edward smiled to show off his teeth.

Oh I said that out loud. I nodded in reply.

Edward flexed and stretched his arms before he crouched down beside my chair.

This is it! So so so so so keen!

He looked at me in the eye before he brought his lips to my neck.

I felt his teeth pierce my skin.

I was changing! I was changing!

Wooh gonna be a vampire!

And cue burning fire!

**~O~**

**A/N: I really hope you guys enjoyed how Bella got changed. It was quite tough trying to write Edward's version of Hamlet's soliloquy. Excuse me for putting a Shakespeare reference in there but I tried to make it suit the situation and appear funny in its own sort of way. Please review your thoughts and opinions. I honestly had no idea how I would do it so I let the characters write themselves. Special mention to **Megan Geyer** for being my 1000****th**** reviewer!**

**Everyone who reviews gets an extended preview. Here's a one liner:**

**Chapter Forty Six: **"That almost pierced my skin!"


	47. Scissors Paper Rock

**Chapter Forty Six: Scissors Paper Rock**

**Disclaimer: I own Twilight, and the Earth. Pfft, I only own the Earth.**

**~O~**

**JPOV**

So Bella had been a vampire for exactly a week today, not including those three days in which she was changing. God Edward was such a complainer throughout the duration of her change.

I had to move into the Llama shed with my dear pets to escape his emotions.

Bella had complete control over her need for blood.

Bitch.

But at least Edward, Bella and Alice were able to complete high school at Forks still. Bella was living with Charlie as well until we all go to Dartmouth next year.

At the moment the rest of the family was watching Season One of the 'Big Bang Theory' on DVD that Alice had bought yesterday in her massive DVD shopping spree.

KMART had a sale on every DVD in store. She bought almost the entire store.

Loud sigh.

Bella and I had gotten closer this week, seeing as I no longer had the urge to bite her senseless. But I've taken my biting urges out on the new mail man.

I honestly don't get how the Post Office people think that giving the new mail man a motorbike will allow for him to escape the apparent 'dogs' we have that like to attack their employees.

I resent being called a dog.

But alas, we can't let them know that they're being chased by a vampire.

Now that would be awkward.

And could possibly create some problems in which we would have to run from.

Or eat the entire community.

I prefer the latter.

Bella flew into my room at vampire speed and hugged me.

"I want grilled cheese," she murmured into my chest. I felt a powerful sensation of pity.

Oh god. She was projecting the 'pity' emotion so that I would make her grilled cheese.

Despite being a vampire, she still liked to eat; even though the food tasted like dirt. For dry foods it tastes like dry dirt and wet foods such as cucumbers and drinks tastes like muddy dirt.

Emmett sauntered in. "Dude you're whipped," he remarked.

I glared at him. "No. My emotions are whipped. Edward is whipped by everything about her," I retorted.

""I love being whipped. It's so much better than being pouring. Get it? Whipped cream versus pouring cream?" Edward piped up.

No one laughed. That boy is just not that funny.

"Can vampires eat paper?" Bell asked Edward, Emmett and I.

"Vampires can eat anything," Emmett laughed.

"Aw cool. Really? Even pens?"

"Yes Bella," Edward sighed.

Bella looked like she had just witnessed her first Christmas as a vampire.

Trust me, that is an epic sight.

Bella leaped off of the bed and began to eat stuff located around mine and Alice's room.

I hope she doesn't eat anything important.

Five minutes later Bell had eaten her way through half of Alice's scented stationery set.

Well, she did eat important things.

It will be chaos now that her teeth can munch through things other than skittles and celery. It extends to computers, pens, and even vacuum cleaners.

**RPOV**

Now Bella Swan will never have a child. If it were HUMANELY possible for her and Edward dearest to have a child together, it was all ruined now.

Because she was a vampire.

Loud grr.

If she had of had a child I would have asked, no demanded, she called it Renesmee for a girl or Carlie for a boy. Renesmee was a cross between Renee and Esme, and Carlie was a cross between Carlisle and Charlie.

Yes, I was being equal to both sets of grandparents.

I heard Carlisle cheer loudly from the lounge room. I was in the kitchen, making cat biscuits because I was bored. I was feeding them to the fluffy orange cat that Carlisle once bought.

Carlisle was excited watching the 'Big Bang Theory' because he understood all of the science and physics terms that two of the main characters, Sheldon and Leonard, use.

Something about how integrating an area underneath a curve is different from differentiating a line underneath a curve.

All mumbo jumbo to me.

Esme entered the kitchen and looked around, with her hand above her eyes like what sailors seem to do when they scour the sea. She spotted me and winked.

"Hey," she said softly as she came up and began helping me cut up tuna.

"What aer you doing in here?" I asked.

"I had to escape Carlisle and his cheering. It's loud, even for vampires."

Esme suddenly jumped up and down excitedly.

"I have an idea, I have an idea. I have an idea," she chanted.

Why is she the one who has all the ideas?

Bitch.

Edward walked into the kitchen. "Everyone's getting called that this morning. Bella and Esme. Tut tut," he remarked.

Whatever, skank, I thought in my head, knowing he would hear.

Edward scoffed.

Alice flittered into the room. I'm surprised she didn't loud sigh.

"What's your brilliant idea Esme?" Alice asked with a grin as wide as the solar system spread out along her face.

"As if you don't know," Edward said.

"And as if you don't know," Esme stated to Edward.

Edward scoffed again. Does he have something in his throat?

I bet it's a Wii remote. I wouldn't put it past him to eat one.

"Listen up!" Esme yelled.

We all listened. Carlisle even wandered into the kitchen. But I think that was because he wanted another coffee, not because Esme yelled.

She never yells.

When Esme Cullen yells, you know craps about to go down.

"Alright. My idea shall be... drum roll... scissors paper rock!"

We all groaned.

"But that only involves our hands," Emmett complained.

I laughed inwardly. "Just because you're not good with your hands doesn't mean the rest of us are," I implied and winked at my husband.

That'll teach him for eating my Jimmy Choos.

What's with the family and eating non-food things?

But then again, who has the right to choose what is food and what isn't?

Was it that Isaac Newton guy?

Or Thomas Edison?

Bastards.

I'm full of it today, aren't I?

Esme shook her head at Emmett. "No sweetie pie. We're having actual scissors, paper and rock. The scissors are razor sharp and are six feet long. The paper is 20cm thick and six feet long, and the Rock is also around six feet long, wide and tall. It's the vampire version of Scissor Paper Rock."

We all murmured simultaneously.

**EmPOV**

Keen as a bean served with ITALIAN cuisine.

Yes, I may have adopted Bella's line and changed one word. But it is not copyright infringement. She totally had no patent on that.

Bite me.

"I'll cut you with the scissors," Edward threatened me.

Esme and Carlisle have a murderer for a son.

Oh the irony!

So, right now we were all lined up around five metres in front of Esme's garden. I was ten metres in front of the garden though because Esme apparently doesn't trust me.

As if I, Emmett Cullen, cannot be trusted? I mean, what is with that? I can so be trusted. I take offense to not being trusted.

I kept Jasper's secret about the time he had to wear womens underwear for a day.

"Erh... you kept quiet after you had told Mike Newton," Edward stated.

Well... it was not my fault Mike had called me on my phone just after I had found out. Whenever someone rings me I answer the phone and tell them what I have on my mind at that point in time.

It was reallll awkward that time that I was thinking about what being 'gay' would feel like.

Poor, poor principal.

Although, why he was calling my mobile, I will never know.

Anyways, back to the chapter in the mind of Emmett Cullen. Third person for the win!

Esme rounded the corner carrying the hectically big pair of scissors, paper and rock.

"Where ever did you obtain these items lovely wife?" Carlisle charmed the socks off of Esme.

"eBay my dear," she replied back with a smile.

"Ah, I'm pretty sure you can't buy a pair of razor sharp six foot long scissors. They might be mistaken for war weapons or something illegal that eBay can't sell," Jasper stated. Yeah, he would know. The war like vampire he is. He's totally evil. I remember that list he made of one hundred evil plans.

Esme smiled yet again. "Yes sweetie. But there is such things as 'Black eBay' which is kind of like the Black Market.

Esme opened her mouth again. "Alright troops, let begin. We'll play two on two. The four winners of the four pairs will then verse each other two on two again, and then the two winners out of that will go head to head. The winner will then not have to do chores for a month."

We all totally cheered. No chores for a month would be bliss. And a month for us was a long time. Seeing as it's like our fifty ninth billion month of being a vampire.

"I wanna verse mummy!" I yelled.

Esme shrugged. She threw one set of the three items at me and kept the other set. On the count of three we were meant to peg our chosen item into the empty field ahead of us that we play baseball in.

"SCISSOR, PAPER, ROCK!" Esme and I chanted together.

But you'll never guess what. Esme's freaking pair of scissors were aimed at me instead of the free space!

"That almost pierced my skin," I wailed.

"Oh sshh you. The scissors totally did not almost pierce your skin. You're a vampire," Esme said.

Mummy threw razor sharp scissors at me? Child abuse. I must call Social Services.

Edward bent over in laughter. He must be careful or he could get raped in that position.

"Dude, a) I will not get raped and b) You cannot call Social Services because who would believe that your mother threw scissors at you that are six feet long?"

"The authorities will believe me," I pouted.

"And so will the Volturi when you expose us, seeing as the authorities will wonder why you are not hurt when your mother pegged six feet scissors at you that are as sharp as a shark's teeth."

"Shut up Edward. I'm the favourite son," I cried.

Edward's all up in my grill today. He threatens me, and now tells me that I can't call Social Services. What's next? He's going to tell me that I'm adopted.

"You are though," Edward stated calmly.

That meanie poo!

**APOV**

In the first round Esme had beaten Emmett, Bella had beaten Carlisle, Jasper had beaten Rose, and Edward had beaten me. Edward and I had to wear those stupid, and totally unfashionable aluminium hats so that our powers were blocked.

In the second round, Jasper had beaten Bella and Edward had beaten Esme.

So now it was down to Edward and Jasper.

This should be interesting.

I still had to wear our helmets even though we were out of the game.

Bet I just made you all think of THE GAME.

Sucks to be you.

Anyways, moving on.

The game had taken a turn for a more... violent side where the opponents just ended up throwing the items at each other instead of the field.

Oh what a loving family we were.

Carlisle and Emmett had wandered off to introduce the llama to Mr. Muggles the fluffy orange cat that we've had for a year but I haven't seen in a while.

I bet Carlisle keeps the cat in his and Esme's room so us kids can't play with the fluffy, fluffy kitty!

Suddenly we heard Jasper and Edward chant. For some reason I had my back facing them as I was looking over at the tree in the distance.

What is wrong with me?

"SCISSORS... PAPER...ROCK!"

Suddenly I heard my husband's beautiful voice as I had my back turned.

"Dude, you just cut off my arm."

**~O~**

**A/N: There you have it. The first chapter of Vampire Bella. Yes Alice's chapter is only short but I decided to make it that way and just end it there and post it. Only four chapters left of this story to go. I can't believe it's almost ending. Review your favourite part/s of line/s.**

**Everyone who reviews gets an extended preview. Here's a one liner:**

**Chapter Forty Seven: **"It's the next pit stop!"


	48. All Over

**Chapter Forty Seven: All Over**

Hey everyone, as you may or may not have realised, it has been over a year since I have written a chapter for Bored of Eternity. During that time I have finished high school and am now on a gap year before commencing University next year. Basically, I'm just working my life away for money although I just came back last night from a week long in Cairns, Australia.

I've actually got inspiration for a story revolving around my trip but I do not intend on posting it until I have a moderately descriptive plot outline and at least 20 chapters of it pre-written. But back to BOE, I seem to have lost interest in this fanfic, and I know I only have 4 chapters left… I think, but I don't know how well… or funny my writing would even be. The main thing is that you all got to see how Bella became a vampire. I don't want you all to sit there and patiently… or impatiently wait for new chapters, so I've decided to end BOE here and make the status of this story 'complete'.

My next step is to complete the outline for my new story, and then write the very last chapter of Five Dates. After that I'll see if I'll either write more for Love in the Restaurant or put it on indefinite hiatus – because one day I plan to finish it.

I'm terribly sorry to anyone out there who would have loved to read the last 3 or 4 chapters of BOE. You never know, keep this story on alert and I may have a random moment one night and write a chapter. I started BOE in July 2008, over three years ago and I think that it's time I've put it to rest. I know that there are readers I've had since the story first began and you don't know how terrible I feel that it's been over 3 years! Life has just gotten in the way and I've matured. I mean, I was 15 when I first started BOE. I'm still the random person who created all of these chapters, most of them being things I've done myself, but now I've finished high school I seem to have grown up. Sure, I have weird moments with friends or I go insane by myself, but those are far and fewer in between.

All I can say is that I'm sorry again and a massive thank you to every single one of my readers. I'll see all you Five Dates readers in the next week. The chapter for FD is already a quarter the way written. But yes, thank you to those who have stuck with this story, and even for those who haven't, I hope that they've had a pleasant and humouress time reading what I had to write from 3 years ago until a year ago.

Anita.


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